Hard Digest August 1: Early Access 3 Doors Down, Ratatouille, ISIS, and More

3 Doors Down Song Played at Baseball Game Somehow Worse Than 12-1 Loss

By Steve Packosky

DENVER — A devastating 12-1 loss incurred by the Colorado Rockies at the hands of the Milwaukee Brewers was completely overshadowed by the DJ playing the song “Superman” by 3 Doors Down at the start of the 9th inning, sources report.

“That was absolutely uncalled for,” said center fielder Brenton Doyle after the game. “I thought getting completely blown out was going to be the worst part of my day, but hearing the line ‘If I go crazy then will you still me Superman?’ definitely took the cake. I almost ran off the field and called it quits right then and there. It definitely would have been worth incurring a fine and getting skewered by the media, so I regret not doing it. Hell, I would gladly get sent back down to Triple A with a huge pay cut and drop my lifelong dream of playing in the majors if it meant I never have to hear it again.”

Fan Sam Darris couldn’t believe his ears despite completely his eyes with the final score of the game.

“It’s like DJ poured salt on an open wound,” Darris said. “I’ve been a Rockies fan my entire life, and that is the worst game that I can remember. This season, they’re the worst team in Major League Baseball by a country mile, but that doesn’t hurt nearly as bad as hearing such horrific early 2000s butt-rock blared in my ears for no fucking reason. I pay good money for my season tickets, and I deserve to have a good time and enjoy watching my favorite team get completely demolished for the umpteenth time this month. The team has no right to take that away from me by ruining my day with that garbage.”

DJ Wes Burfyn was contrite about his decision to play the derided song.

“That one’s definitely on me,” Burfyn admitted. “I got kind of sick of playing ‘Enter Sandman’ and ‘Crazy Train’ so much, and thought I’d spice things up with a little variety. I wasn’t thinking. Had I stopped to consider what I was doing for even a second I would’ve realized that I was giving thousands of people the worst experience of their day. I don’t know what I can do to make it up to the team and the great baseball fans of Denver, but I promise to do better going forward.”

At press time, the team’s management decided to focus all of their money and resources on making sure the DJ staff was properly trained.

Real Life Ratatouille: This Rat Yanks My Pubes and Makes My Dick Do Stuff

By Patrick Coyne

Most people will tell you Disney magic is something you only see in movies or after an unlicensed mushroom retreat. But to those cynics, I say, Disney magic is real! And I found it inside an Outback Steakhouse dumpster.

Several weeks ago, I had returned to my regular routine of dumpster diving after forming a fragile ceasefire with the local raccoons. I had come upon a garbage bag full of gently used bloomin’ onions when I came face to face with a common roof rat (rooficus ratticus).

I screamed at the rodent, threatening to “assfuck it in the mouth” if it didn’t turn tail and buzz off. But the rat, having no respect for mine and the raccoon’s truce, lunged at me, first working the face, before diving headlong into my already tattered pants.

Surely, this is the end for me, right? Or, at the very least, the rat would gnaw my dong until the head popped like a pimple. But wouldn’t you know it, the dang thing started getting cozy in my pubes like it was a Holiday Inn business suite. I couldn’t fathom the biology behind it. Perhaps my voluminous pubes and softened mound reminded the rat of its mother’s bosom. Or I had a special connection with the animal, like St. Francis, who tamed the wolf of Gubbio.

But the truly shocking moment was when the weird little freak started yanking on tufts of my pubes, causing my donger to start acting of its own accord. At first, the rat was tugging pubes seemingly at random, like an arcade patron trying to figure out a Mortal Kombat character’s moveset. But then it was deliberate, controlling my dong, trying to use it as a tool to aid in his rat endeavors.

Unfortunately, the ween’s lack of opposable digits makes it an ineffective grabber of food scraps, and its relatively fleshy and soft exterior makes it ineffective at cracking nuts or tupperware.

Still, it is obviously a marvel of animal-human symbiosis. No matter what those scientists who insist that the rat’s not controlling my dick and it’s just me getting an erection may say. And perhaps it’s not quite the same as running the kitchen of a Michelin star restaurant (I am working on a screenplay of my life story, by the way). But no matter what the pessimists and the doomers might say about Disney magic being some cockamamie fantasy, all you true believers can rest easy knowing that out there somewhere, there’s a guy in a dumpster getting his pubes tugged by a rat.

Uplifting ISIS Re-Heading Video Goes Viral

By Tim Graham

RAQQA, Syria — Terrorist organization ISIS is taking credit for a stylish TikTok video showing masked figures successfully reattaching a man’s severed head, according to pleasantly surprised sources.

“We met with a public relations agency and asked plainly, ‘Why do so many people hate and fear us?’ They said it probably has to do with all the bombings and beheadings,” said ISIS spokesman Kassem Al-Azraq. “They helped us produce the video, which has done so much to rehabilitate our image. The agency used CG to make it appear that a man’s head had been restored to his body. The smiling man then stands up, shakes all of the ISIS members’ hands, and they pose for a photo together. The swelling score really makes it quite moving. Hashtag isisgoodguysnow.”

TikTok users have been excitedly spreading the video and sharing their reactions to the heartening content.

“The mainstream narrative has been that ISIS is this evil terrorist group who goes around killing people or whatever,” said new age TikTokker Sandra Bassinet. “But after seeing this video and how it has lifted so many hearts around the world, I have to say my opinion has changed. Everyone makes mistakes, and it looks like these guys are invested in growing and making amends for some of the uncool stuff they’ve done in the past. Check out my reaction video to get a coupon code for a crystal that is charged with positive energy that the video gave me.”

Top-level PR firms are accustomed to the challenges that come along with infamous clients like ISIS, according to Anderson Gein, partner at Gein, Gein and Gacy.

“We’ve handled many cases for high-profile clients with similar negative public opinion,” said Gein. “Correcting these perceptions boils down to our capability to lie very effectively, and on a grand scale. Our main tactic is to flood the zone with bullshit. Ever hear people say online that the January 6 insurrectionists were ‘mostly peaceful’ or ‘just sightseers’? Yeah, that was one of our campaigns. We’ve recently been hired by Russell Brand’s team—if we do our job right, in a year or so Brand will be out promoting a new comedy special, and everyone will have forgotten about those allegations.”

At press time, the Taliban had released an announcement teasing their upcoming series of mukbang videos.

Ms. Pac-Man “Happily” Embraces The Tradwife Lifestyle

BY Brian Wishart

PAC-LAND — Ms. Pac-Man is back in the spotlight after fans of her video game have discovered her TikTok channel dedicated to promoting a tradwife lifestyle. Many are concerned that her perky demeanor is hiding something sinister in her relationship with her husband, Pac-Man.

“After getting married to Pac-Man we realized that I was much happier taking on a different role around the home,” said Ms. Pac-Man. “He goes out and brings home the white pellets and I get to do laundry and make meals for our seven children: Jr. Pac-Man, Baby Pac-Man, Larry, Donald, Bubba, Kieran and Stephanie. I get to interact with some of the outside world when grocery shopping. The TikTok channel is nice too. My fans really like my videos of me making cherry, strawberry, orange, bell, and key pies. Pac-Man does a great job of letting me know what videos I should make.”

Her husband, Pac-Man, is proud of her decision to stay at home and take on a more traditional housewife role.

“I told her she would never be happy making more money than me,” said Pac-Man. “I told her we would be happier if we returned to traditional values. It is what made Pac-Land strong in the past. Pac-Land was built by women building strong homes while men did the hard work. We are raising our children to have these same beliefs. She is having our eighth kid soon. I hope it is a strong male. We already have little Stephanie to help Ms. Pac-Man with chores.”

In one of her videos where a young woman asks if it is worth giving up independence and career aspirations to take on a purely supporting role to a man Ms. Pac-Man begins to cry.

“I never really wanted to use my Masters degree in kinesiology anyway. I am a lot more fulfilled and happy being married and focusing on gardening and keeping the household tidy for when Pac-Man gets home,” said Ms. Pac-Man. “It took too much effort cooking for my husband, keeping up my appearance, bringing beer for my husband and his friends and having my own opinions on politics. This is just so much easier and happy for all of us. We are both so very happy. I am happy.”

At press time, Ms. Pac-Man has over 700,000 followers on TikTok. Comments on the video where she cries, “How To Ask Your Husband For Permission To Open a Bank Account,” have been locked.