Hard Digest July 25: Early Access Teen Punks, Eagle Scouts, Sleep, and More

Teen Punk Teeters Between “Make the World a Better Place” Punk or “Total Piece of Shit” Punk

By Tim Sheard

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local teenage punk Mathias Schuler is teetering between the kind of punk that makes a positive impact on society or the type that ends up as a total piece of shit, confirmed sources wondering if there was a third option.

“I’m thinking of going to school for political science to enact real change in this world and maybe wrestle some control away from corporate America,” said Schuler while adding items to his Amazon shopping cart. “But then again, it’s gonna be all whiney lefties and dirty hippies. Plus there’s probably no money in that anyways. So I might just couch surf for a while, bumming beer and cigarettes and along the way. There are tons of freeloaders in society. If I set my goals high enough, one day I can be one of them.”

Schuler’s parents realize how precarious the situation is.

“Mathias’s father and I are just worried sick over the whole thing,” said mother Deborah Schuler. “Sometimes he’ll wear shirts from bands like Aus-Rotten or Defiance and we think we raised him right. But other times he’ll go on about how cool John Lydon is and we wonder where we went wrong. Just the other day he made insensitive comments towards the Latino community while wearing a Los Crudos shirt, and when we called him out on it he claimed he was only saying what Darby Crash said in ‘The Downfall of Western Civilization.’ I don’t know what to do.”

The teenager’s school principal weighed in on the matter.

“I actually have a bet going with his teachers about how he’ll end up,” said Principal Ernie Le Mans while smoking in the teacher’s lounge. “Last I checked the pool was over $1,000. Every year we see kids with Dead Kennedys patches and Crass butt flaps, but we know most of them will end up catcalling women from some construction site. But then again, we had a student that was a huge Skrewdriver fan some years ago that ended up as a lawyer for the ACLU, so you never know.”

At press time, the 14-year-old was seen stealing money from a charity donation box so he could give it to a different charity.

How to Pad Your Resume by Simply Stealing an Eagle Scout Patch

By Noah Dominguez

The job market is absolutely brutal right now. And when you’re someone like me, who doesn’t have a “bachelor’s degree” in the traditional sense, it can be tough to land that ever-elusive interview. I’m constantly thinking of new ways to at least give hiring managers a second of pause before they throw my resume in the trash. And I think I’ve got something, even if the lamest people on the planet will probably call it “stolen valor.”

I didn’t last long in Boy Scouts. Something about an attitude problem. Or maybe it was that thing about starting fires in places other than the designated campfire spot. Regardless, when my old, decrepit Scoutmaster wasn’t ranting about how Middle Easterners “hate freedom” or how he simply wouldn’t have gotten trapped by a rock the way Aron Ralston did, I recall him insisting that reaching the rank of Eagle Scout would open up all kinds of doors career-wise. I may not have made Eagle, but much like how any asshole can just buy a blue checkmark on Twitter and act like it makes them important, I’m not going to let a technicality stop me from reaping the benefits of that patch.

I know what you’re thinking. “Isn’t the BSA an antiquated, jingoistic organization that borders on paramilitarism while also somehow making all its members look utterly unintimidating?” Well, yes. But you have to remember that a lot of companies are run by dorky boomers who eat that shit up. All you have to do is put “Eagle Scout” on your resume, tell them your local Scoutmaster died and will thus be unavailable for calls (for all you know, you’re not even lying), and get your hands on an official Eagle rank insignia to show anyone who gets a little too inquisitive.

“How exactly does one procure said insignia?” I hear you asking. “Surely, they’re kept under heavy guard in some sort of armored facility.” Nope. They’re available at your local Scout Shop for $2.99. “They’re at least locked in a glass case or hidden behind the counter, right?” Nah, they’re just kind of there. “But don’t you need to provide paperwork proving you’ve earned the patch before you can buy it?” you ask? Well, I don’t know how tight you think security is at the Scout Shop, but let’s just say whether they know it or not, they got a 5-finger discount running 24/7.

Look, we both know that if you’re here reading this, you’ve probably swiped a band patch or two from the merch table in your time. Same basic principle. Get in, get what you need, get out. And for the love of God, don’t look at the security cameras. But if stealth isn’t your thing, you could always just snatch and run. Do you really think the dweeb working the counter is going to chase you?

If you go with option two, you might as well also steal one of the Eagle Scout medals they put on the pocket flap just above the patch – because THAT’S not redundant. And at that point, go ahead and grab a Pinewood Derby Car Kit, too. It won’t help with your job hunt, but it’ll give you something to do while you wait to hear back from recruiters. Fair warning: it’ll still probably be a while.

Nihilist Doctor Recommends More Sleep So Your Meaningless Life Goes By Faster

By RJ Atkinson

NEWPORT NEWS, Va. — Local doctor, and self-described nihilist, recommended more sleep for better mood, improved brain function, and a faster return to the endless void we were ripped from at birth, confirmed sources.

“First and foremost, I went to medical school to help people,” said Dr. Michael Oberhoffer. “But one day, amongst the countless thousands I’ve spent wandering our vacuous, Khafka-esque hellscape, I realized the best way I can help those people is by expediting their merciful return to the sweet cradle of oblivion. And sure, I could just give ‘em a wink and prescribe enough pills to kill a rhino, but unfortunately I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath. Which means I can only speed up the cruel, senseless existence of my beloved patients by recommending a good 12 to 16 hours of sleep per day.”

Dr. Oberhoffer’s methods, while controversial, are undeniably a hit amongst some of his patients.

“My God, it’s already October!” exclaimed Marry Blevins, who has been seeing Oberhoffer for almost a year. “I just can’t believe it. About 10 months ago, I went in to see if I could get a referral for a shrink, or maybe some Vicodin. But the good doctor made me see the truth. Which is that nothing on this Godforsaken rock hurtling through nothingness is worth being present for. I’ve recommended him to all my friends and family. Although I don’t see them much these days, because of all the sleeping.”

The fad is impacting the world of pharmaceuticals as well.

“Our advertising has taken an admittedly darker turn, but we can’t argue with these numbers,” remarked Jason Trailon, marketing executive of a notable pharmaceutical giant. “Simply changing the slogan of our sleeping pills to ‘Go to Sleep, Nothing Matters’ has increased sales 800%. We literally can’t keep those bad boys on the shelves for more than a few hours before a swarm of people buys every bottle. I guess some people really just don’t want to exist anymore. Which is fine by me. They’re asleep, speeding through life. I’m in my Ferrari, speeding through empty streets. It’s a win-win!”

At press time, the Surgeon General thanked Dr. Oberhoffer for his contributions, commenting how the nation’s workforce has never been more well-rested, albeit unmotivated.

Continuity Error? This Marvel Character is Pregnant in a Sexless Film Franchise

BY Garry Kerls

HOLLYWOOD — Marvel fans are up in arms after learning the baby between Mr. Fantastic and The Invisible Woman was conceived via intercourse, an act that was strictly forbidden in the MCU up until now, our sources confirm.

“I don’t know what that sick freak Kevin Feige is up to,” says one Marvel fan after watching the most recent MCU film The Fantastic Four: First Steps. “But the idea of two physically fit and attractive actors having sexual relations as characters from my beloved comic books is vile and wrong.”

Without spoiling the MCU’s most recent entry, the public relations team for the film has been hard at work doing damage control across social media.

“The MCU Multiverse is vast and expansive,” said head of Marvel PR Janice Copper to an angry mob outside of the company’s Burbank location. “FF:FS takes place in a universe where sex isn’t just a normal occurrence, but the ideal way to reproduce, something Earth 616 is not accustomed to.”

This mass hysteria has even made its way to the lead actors of the film, who were bombarded with questions this past weekend at the premiere’s red carpet event.

“Aren’t these the same fans who wanted Ant-Man to go up Thanos’ butt?” said Pedro Pascal to a reporter for IGN. “Marvel fans need to expand their horizons and watch more sexual cinema. Something like Y tu mamá también might scar them for life, maybe start with When Harry Met Sally.”

Even Kevin Feige himself has had to face the criticism and defend the creative choices of his writers.

“It was a decision that we grappled with for weeks. If a baby is in the picture, sex is implied, and that’s a big Marvel no no,” he said during a roundtable last week promoting the film. “The only other time we implied sex is when Deadpool gets pegged, and everyone seemed to love that! But this? Not so much.”

At press time, MCU fans have forgotten whatever they were mad about after seeing Silver Surfer and having a whole new thing to bitch about.