Hard Digest July 22: RIP Ozzy, MLK Files, Early Access GWAR, Colbert, Self-Care, and More

Rock and Roll Lifestyle Finally Catches Up To Ozzy Osbourne, 76

By Michael Roets, Jr.

LOS ANGELES — Decades of hard partying and wild nights finally caught up to legendary metal musician Ozzy Osbourne who died at the young age of 76 earlier today, familial sources confirmed.

“It’s time to say goodbye to one of the most influential musicians of all time. It’s always sad when a musician is struck down in their prime. He was fresh off an amazing performance with Black Sabbath that was seen live by over 42,000 screaming fans, not to mention all the people who livestreamed it at home. We hoped Ozzy would be with us for another five to six decades, but it wasn’t meant to be. I just hope the devil is ready to party,” said a representative for the family. “We are all familiar with the 27 Club, a collection of musicians who died too soon, and now Ozzy is part of the 76 Club, which is just as noteworthy and tragic given the advances in modern medicine.”

Fans across the globe expressed their sorrow over the musician’s passing.

“I just never saw it coming. Ozzy seemed so young and spry, so full of life. It’s just tragic to see him cut down like this. But I know he’s in a better place now, probably doing shots with Lemmy and then following that up with like a speedball or something before staying up for nine days straight and snorting a line of ants,” said longtime Black Sabbath superfan Clint Howell. “It makes me want to start taking better care of myself. I’m going to start drinking at least one glass of water a week, and telling the bartender to put more ice cubes in my drink so I can stay hydrated.”

At press time, Sharon Osbourne was planning a final world tour to display Ozzy’s body with tickets going for $175 each.

New MLK Jr. Files Show the Civil Rights Leader Considered President Trump A Close Personal Friend With No Ties to Jeffrey Epstein

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — The Trump administration ordered a trove of new documents related to the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr., which contains new information about Trump’s personal influence on the civil rights leader, sources close to Trump confirmed.

“Martin Luther King Jr. was a great man, I called him Marty, all his friends called him Marty, I’d say stuff to him like ‘Marty, you would look great with a mustache.’ I was actually the guy who gave him the idea to march in Selma, and I actually explained to him how racism worked. We hung out all the time, we were basically inseparable for years, so I never had time to meet that creep Jeffrey Epstein,” said Trump. “Those photos you see of me with Epstein are all part of an elaborate hoax cooked up by radical leftist lunatics like Joe Biden. There is plenty of evidence that Biden used Photoshop to doctor those photos, it’s sad that people believe it. But in the words of my good pal, my favorite Black guy, MLK ‘I have a dream, and that’s for everyone to stop talking about Epstein, because Donald Trump doesn’t know the guy.’ Beautiful words, more important now than ever.”

Trump supporters were thankful for the release of these new documents.

“The Deep State goons were afraid of MLK and Trump’s friendship. Right here on page one of the report it talks about how Trump would play basketball with MLK three to four times a day, and how Trump would never lose, and would get 75 rebounds,” said MAGA diehard Danny Sullivan. “What I found most fascinating was the transcripts of the secret government recordings in MLK’s home. There is one point where he is talking with Coretta Scott King about how Trump never wrote any birthday card to Jeffrey Epstein. Clearly we were never meant to see this, and I just wonder how the liberal media is going to spin this to make Trump look bad.”

Skeptics pointed out multiple factual errors in the new report.

“Nothing in the timeline makes sense. There is no credible evidence that President Trump and Reverend King ever met. Not to mention, Jeffrey Epstein would have been 15 years old when Reverend King was assassinated. The country’s most popular civil rights leader simply wouldn’t be talking about a high school sophomore,” said historian Amy Luy Lim. “There is even a part of this report that claims Trump convinced MLK Jr. to accept Jesus Christ as his lord and savior. It says Trump was doing charity work in Alabama when he met a young atheist named Martin, and Trump read to him from the Bible every night until Reverend King decided to become a minister.”

At press time, the Trump administration plans to reveal a new batch of documents about the JFK assassination that will prove Trump never had an affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels and paid hush money during the 2016 election cycle.

GWAR Concert Goes Viral After CEO of Tech Start Up Caught Having Affair on Analingus Cam

By The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Viral footage from GWAR’s popular Analingus Cam supposedly shows a tech CEO engaged in a lewd sexual act with his mistress, multiple people in desperate need of a fun distraction confirmed.

“We had just sprayed the crowd with gallons of alien cum and everyone was whipped into a frenzy. We cut to the Analingus Cam and a few couples were going at it, having a fun time slurping a butt, and having their butt slurped. Then we cut to this one couple and the entire mood changed,” said Blöthar the Berserker. “There he was, tongue so deep inside her that I’m pretty sure he was licking the back of her eyeballs. That’s when he realized the camera was on him. He dove off screen and I said something like ‘Nobody licks their wife’s asshole that clean, he’s either having an affair or he’s a scumdog whose appetite for ass knows no bounds.’ The clip really took off, my grandmother High Priestess Ejaculah even shared it on Facebook.”

Internet sleuths quickly identified the man as Kenneth Baines, the CEO of the tech start up Golaxiar.

“Kenneth Baines is 52-years-old, he has two children. A 17-year-old boy who goes to Washington High School named Asher, and a 19-year-old daughter who is going to school at Northwestern. His wife of 21 years, and we can assume soon to be ex-wife, is Emily Baines, and she is not the woman whose ass was being absolutely devoured,” said amateur detective Lonnie Wilson. “The woman in the video is Golaxiar CFO Linda Olsen. She is also married with one adult child. I was able to hack their work email and found multiple pornographic photos they have sent to each other which I have already posted on Reddit.”

The Golaxiar CEO admits this was an embarrassing mistake and hopes to move on.

“I want to apologize to my wife, my children, my entire family, and the employees at Golaxiar who trust me. I had a major lapse in judgement. I was trying to enjoy a private moment with a work colleague, and things went too far,” said Baines. “But what does this say about our society? Where two consenting adults cannot even enjoy mutual anal satisfaction without it being broadcast across a Jumbotron and plastered on social media. We should all be ashamed. This is a societal problem, GWAR shows should be a safe space for ass eating, and this is making a mockery of a beautiful sexual act.”

At press time,Tech CEOs began forwarding a new memo with best practices on how to properly cheat on your wife without ever getting caught.

In Light of Stephen Colbert’s Politically Motivated Cancellation I’m Taking a Stand and Unsubscribing From Paramount Plus as Soon as “Dexter: Resurrection” Wraps up and I Watch “Pet Semetary 2” and a Couple Other Movies

By Dan Rice

For those of you not aware, CBS has just cancelled “The Late Show” a show that has been one of the most-watched late night shows since it first aired 32 years ago. The network claims this is a “financial decision,” to which I say BULLSHIT! That would be like Coke saying they aren’t going to make Coke anymore because they can’t compete with RC cola.

We all know the real reason “The Late Show” is being taken off the air is because of how critical host Stephen Colbert has been of the Trump administration. This is an extension of the same cowardly boot-licking CBS displayed when it settled out of court over Trump’s bogus Kamala edit lawsuit, a case they could have easily won if they had anything resembling a spine. Well I for one will not stand for such cowardly bootlicking! I’m proud to announce that I will be canceling my subscription to Paramount Plus just as soon as the new season of Dexter ends!

Have you seen “Dexter?” It’s a show about a serial killer who only kills other killers. I know it sounds a little tacky but it’s actually good! Well, it starts good, then it gets super tacky, but then that like kind of becomes part of the charm? Anyway, much like Dexter, I’ll keep my Paramount subscription alive long enough to serve my needs and then as soon as I get what I want it’s going right on my table, because FUCK AUTHORITARIANISM!

Obviously I want to take action immediately, but I’m already three episodes in on “Dexter: Resurrection,” and I would really hate to not finish it. It’s not great, but “Dexter: Original Sin” was surprisingly good, so I feel like they might stick the landing better than they did with “Dexter: New Blood.” But yeah once I get real closure on this Dexter/Harrison story line I am taking a stand against tyranny and pulling the plug on Paramount Plus, permanently!

Well, okay actually, I’m looking at my queue and there are a lot of movies here I still really wanna watch. I’m deleting all the ones that are available on other streaming services, but it’s still a lot of movies. “Pet Semetary 2?” Damn, I haven’t seen that since I was a kid. If I remember correctly, it’s not as good of a movie as the original “Pet Semetary,” but it’s more fun in a schlocky way? So yeah, I’m gonna finish Dexter, see if my take on “Pet Semetary 2” holds up, watch a couple dozen other movies not currently available on other platforms, and then it’s by by to the bootlickers over at Paramount!

Oh fuck they have “Smile 2?” I mean, I thought “Smile” was overrated, but I heard the sequel really blows it out of the water. Alright, I’ll add it to the que. But that’s IT.

Millennial Woman Who Starts and Ends Each Day With 3 Hours of Screen Time Really Into Mindfulness, Self-Care

By Kal Perry

LOS ANGELES — Local 34-year-old Meris Johnson reportedly stares at her phone for hours at a time in the morning and evening despite constantly championing her mindfulness and self-care routine, confirmed sources.

“I didn’t want to get to the end of my life and realize that I never really lived, you know? I think Taylor Swift came up with that,” mused Johnson from her studio in Atwater Village. “I came to the conclusion at the start of the year that I just needed to be living more intentionally. So instead of going back and forth between apps on my phone all day long, I now stick to one for a few hours at a time at the beginning and end of each day. Yes, sometimes you do have to trudge through some unsavory beheading and/or domestic terrorism videos before you get to the really emotionally grounding content, but it is always worth it.”

Friends and family of Meris are a little split on the outcomes of her “wellness era regimen.”

“For someone so well-adjusted and grounded, it does seem like she gets into online screaming matches with random people kind of a lot,” commented friend and roommate Chelsea Tipton. “But I guess the arguing and the daily manic crying are just all part of the process, because she always posts about her wellness journey in between inspirational quotes with nature backgrounds. Please do not tell her that I suggested otherwise. I’m slightly afraid she might slash my tires.”

Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor Sarah Highland provided insight on how she has been able to retain Meris as a client for longer than one month, as several therapists before her had failed to do so.

“Sessions were contentious at first for sure. She didn’t respond very well to any sort of pushback on her time allocation habits,” said Highland. “I learned over time that our therapeutic relationship was best served by affirming that her social media consumption was actually a form of self-care. This idea is backed by data. You don’t need to fact check that. It’s scientifically proven that the more time you spend online, the more susceptible you are to health and wellness content despite rotting on your couch for hours at a time.”

At press time, Johnson started a comprehensive skincare routine despite refusing to wear sunscreen.

“Here’s How We Can Still Restore the Snyderverse,” Says Man Taking James Gunn Hostage at Knifepoint

BY Brian Wishart

LOS ANGELES — Self-proclaimed Snyder superfan Jason Morris has taken matters into his own hands to #RestoreTheSnyderverse and is holding James Gunn at knifepoint on a Hollywood street, LAPD sources confirm.

“Zack Snyder is a visionary filmmaker and he has legions of fans that demand for his full vision of a DC cinematic universe to come into fruition,” said Morris. “Warner Brothers sabotaged the box office because they wanted to Marvelize the universe with this stupid James Gunn Superman reboot. I am here to rectify this betrayal and ask James politely to give Henry Cavill the role of Superman back and to finish what Zack started. Here’s how we can still restore the Snyderverse: we put more pressure on the jugular.”

James Gunn said that he believes that some superhero superfans are being a little unreasonable.

“Zack and I are friends,” said Gunn, blood dripping down from the knife being pressed into his neck. “He did a good job bringing his vision to the screen. He has moved on, though, and it’s my job to help lay the groundwork and shepherd in a new universe with a lot of talented creative voices that I hope people will love. For the love of god officer, please take the shot. He’s going to kill me.”

Zack Snyder admires the passion of his fans but thinks people are taking it a little too far.

“Hostage situation? Sounds pretty badass!” said Snyder. “James is my friend and I hope that he lives long enough to keep making his movies. I’m excited to check them out. James promised me he would watch my Rebel Moon movies when he had some time. I don’t think violence is the answer, unless it involves Superman or Batman committing acts of mass violence on-screen. I don’t condone my fans taking extremist action. They should keep that energy just on social media.”

At press time, Snyder fans were quick to remind anyone who would listen that Man of Steel made more domestically than Gunn’s Superman if you adjust for inflation and that if we besmirch the Snyderverse that they know where we live.