Hard Digest July 9: Early Access Prison Architecture, Glenn Danzig, Math Rock, and More

College Graduate Who Majored in Prison Architecture Flooded With Job Offers

By Tim Graham

PHILADELPHIA — University of Pennsylvania graduate Nathan Swain says he’s been inundated with calls from recruiters since completing his degree in prison architecture, jealous sources confirm.

“People keep talking about recession, cutbacks and layoffs,” said Swain while preparing for another interview. “Meanwhile, I can barely keep up with all the proposals I’m getting. Currently there’s a huge demand for new, high-tech detention facilities all across the US—and even some abroad. It turns out my dad was right when he told me to major in designing prisons rather than my first choice, which was English literature. I guess he foresaw there would be a need for lots of new prisons in the future. Of course, he’s on the board of a private prison corporation, so he knows a thing or two.”

Swain’s former classmate Sarah Hall had less luck finding work after graduating.

“I was an idiot and majored in Computer Science,” said Hall between double shifts at Target. “Everyone said, ‘learn to code’ but now I can’t even get a reply to any of the hundreds of jobs I’ve applied for. Between tech layoffs and the rise of AI, there’s just nothing out there. I’m thinking I should probably go back to school and try to get into the private prison racket myself. You’d have to kill off your conscience or soul to work in that industry, knowing that your livelihood is contingent on the suffering of others, but at this point it’s something to consider. It beats having four roommates and no health insurance.”

Historian Henry Schmidt says there are certain fields that flourish during times of tyrannical rule.

“Some industries are not only immune to downturns during tumultuous times, they actually prosper,” said Schmidt. “Arms manufacturers tend to do well under authoritarian regimes, for example. And the alcohol sales never suffer in such periods as people tend to increase consumption in an effort to cope with the nightmare of their existence. My own great-great grandfather was an entrepreneur who made his fortune by satisfying a growing demand. He founded Schmidt’s Shackle Co. and manufactured all manner of manacles and restraints in the Southern US in the early 19th century.”

At press time, Swain accepted a job with a private prison contractor which was impressed with his innovative reimagining of the classic “panopticon” prison structure.

Since the World Is Ending, It’s Time I Admit Werewolves Are Fucking Terrifying – Guest Post by Glenn Danzig

By Ben Friedman

Hi kids, it’s your Uncle Glenn here. I won’t sugarcoat it, but it looks like the world is finally on the precipice of destruction. I’m a little disappointed our undoing will be from nuclear bombs and not something cool like being obliterated by the hand of some vengeful, long slumbering Lovecraftian deity but I’ll take what I can get.

That being said, since I have nothing to lose there is one thing I have to get off my chest before civilization goes tits up. This’ll sound crazy, given the breadth of my work, but it’s time you should all know that I am scared shitless of werewolves.

I know this may come as a shock and even bigoted but I’ll have you know I’m friends with many evil creatures beyond human comprehension. Vampires, take my neck please. Demons? I’ve met several, and they were all cool as hell. But if I ever came face to face with a werewolf I’m hightailing it the fuck out of there. Sure, the thought of our planet being engulfed in the fires of nuclear war is scary. But it’s nowhere near as terrifying as a half man, half wolf hybrid. It’s enough to make a man shit his bootcut jeans.

In the days of the Misfits I thought maybe I could confront my fear of werewolves if I wrote a bunch of songs about them. Spoiler alert, I wrote exactly one and it took me three months to record it without throwing up all over the studio. It didn’t help that I grew up in northern New Jersey where 85% of the population is super hairy Italian guys which made me extra paranoid about them lurking just outside my vision. I haven’t left the house without a gun full of silver bullets for over 40 years now.

Before you all give me shit, would you risk derailing your entire career, merch rights, and image admitting you pulled the covers over your eyes watching the “Werewolf” episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000? Doyle has been holding that over my head since the reunion!

Honestly, the biggest upside to the world ending will be not living in fear of cursed dog men anymore because I’ll be chilling in hell, unless that’s where they all end up when they die. Shit, I might have to look into converting to Christianity if that’s the case.

Besides, I’ve always been more of a cat person anyway. Danzig out!

Math Rock Band Submits New Album for Peer Review Before Releasing

By Steve Packosky

WALTERBORO, S.C. — Math rock band SKULK submitted their newest album “Infinities of Perplexion” for peer review before releasing it to the public, sources report.

“It’s standard practice in our field to do this after wrapping up production,” said drummer Larry Kremer. “Peer review is absolutely necessary in math rock to ensure each work meets the standards of the genre and contributes to advanced knowledge for society on the whole. Can you imagine a world in which math rock bands could just unleash whatever crackpot pieces of music they want without them undergoing a rigorous review process? It would be chaos, and not in an enlightening, non-linear dynamical systems sense. Thankfully, we have institutions in place to ensure every album has been studied by experts before reaching the ears of consumers.”

Dave Hernandez, drummer for the band Integrals, peer reviewed SKULK’s new album before it was released.

“I just gave ‘Infinities of Perplexion’ a thorough listen and uploaded my notes to our academic portal,” Hernandez said. “Overall, it was an extremely thoughtful piece full of insightful songwriting. I especially liked the three time signature switches in ‘Strange Attractors,’ that ultimately revert back to 5/4 before the song transitions to the masterful ‘Fractals.’ However, the songs tend to get a little too uniform towards the last couple tracks, particularly with ‘Conjecture’ and the album’s closer ‘Abstract Plane,’ which would both benefit from the use of counterpoint and extended chords. I recommend this album be accepted after these minor revisions.”

Fan Willem Krotoshinsky was surprised to learn the processes behind his favorite bands’ releases.

“Oh wow, I didn’t know every math rock album went through that,” Krotoshinsky admitted. “I’m a huge fan of SKULK, so I guess it makes sense that they’re doing everything to ensure their music is a mentally stimulating representation. It would be nice if other genres of music did something like this, but I guess most of the stuff on the radio wouldn’t be released if the albums had to be put through peer review, so I understand why they don’t. I can’t see music by bands like Staind and Puddle of Mudd standing up to a procedure like this, so I wish there was some sort of regulation that required it so I wouldn’t have to hear “It’s Been Awhile” on my drive to work.”

At press time, Kremer was seen celebrating after having reached tenure in SKULK.

Nationwide Heatwave Forces Population to Flip to the Cool Side of the Anime Girl Body Pillow

BY Garry Kerls

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a recent report from the National Weather Service, experts have concluded that close to 90% of all Americans flipped to the cool side of their anime girl body pillow during the recent widespread heat wave, sources confirm.

“We’re not sure what to call this specific phenomenon,” says Chief Meteorologist, Nick Ramirez. “But we are excited to use this new found data of anime lovers and hentai freaks across the country, hopefully to more accurately predict future weather emergencies.”

Across the country, sweaty Americans have shed layers, kicked away blankets, and flipped the four-foot-long plush cushion depicting beloved animated waifus.

“Every time I do it I feel like an unfaithful husbando, but this heat has been unbearable,” said Tucker Morrow, local anime fan and outspoken body pillow flipper. “I know the memory foam is going to remember this, please forgive me Kamiko-san.”

While the widespread heatwave has caused power outages and uncomfortable citizens, it has also produced significant positive data for the anime girl body pillow industry, which hopes to use this information to increase future sales.

“A microfiber case, body-cooling foam technology, and double-sided designs are just a few key breakthroughs we’ve had studying this recent heat wave and its effects on our clientele,” said Courtney Nyguen, head researcher at mangamanifest.com, a website specializing in custom waifu pillows. “It’s honestly something we should’ve caught years ago, but our customer base tends to direct their complaints to more specific areas.”

As the future forecast shows lower temps, Nyguen and her team will continue to monitor message boards and social media for any more leads on how to optimize their customer experience.

At press time, dozens have been saved from the Central Texas flash floods due to their body pillows unexpected buoyancy.