Hard Digest June 25: Cuomo, Early Access Recruiting, McDonald's, ICE, and More

So, This Is How Rank-and-File Mediocrity and Corruption Dies — Guest Post by Andrew Cuomo

By Dan Rice

My fellow centrists,

As of this writing, I have just gotten off the phone with Zohran Mamdani, a democratic socialist, congratulating him on winning the democratic nomination for mayor of New York. It is a formality I fear may be part of a bygone era. It is in this moment of defeated surrealism that I realize this is how mediocre and massively corrupt Democratic leadership ends — with thunderous applause. This is haunting stuff.

What the hell happened? The Democratic Party was never about raising the quality of life for the masses! It’s about performative hollow gestures and doing whatever large financial institutions would like us to do. It’s about letting republicans trample civil liberties and saying “No, please, stop,” with all the enthusiasm of a child getting raisins for Halloween. It’s about distracting people from the fact that you are getting disgustingly rich while accomplishing nothing you said you would do during your years in office, and getting handsy with a couple dozen pieces of tail while you’re at it. This? Now? I don’t know what this is.

This country was founded on bribery, milquetoast compromise, and Zionism. I look at Mr. Mamdani and his ilk, and I see a grim future. A future where single mothers are no longer too downtrodden to actively participate in their own government. A future where working-class New Yorkers make enough money to ugly-up the crowds at our precious Broadway shows. A future where sexual advances are no longer about power, but about consensual pleasure between two people who like each other.

What will I do? Where will I turn? Who is going to pay the bill the next time my sexual harassment racks up $61 million in legal fees, now that the burden is no longer on New York taxpayers? Did you animals even think about that when you voted for Mr. Reliable Free Public Transportation and Livable Wages?

Again, to be clear, I never sexually harassed anyone; I was just being Italian! You know! Shitty!

The worst part is I probably won’t get any credit for Mamdani’s future successes, despite giving him a massive head start. You know what makes a fare-free bus program way easier? The 6000 elderly members of the surplus population my Covid-19 policies directly killed, that’s what! That’s a lot fewer stop bells being rung, my friend. Enjoy it.

Well, to the hundreds of financial elitists and mobsters whose interests my nomination would have actually served, I say goodnight, and good luck. I’ve got some serious soul searching to do, and there’s a warm Michelob Ultra in Chuck Schumer’s penthouse with my name on it. Here’s hoping he brought that aid with the huge cans. Cuomo out.

Recruiter Wraps Up Another Exhausting Day of Deleting Inbox Full of Unread Resumes

By Robert John Scucci

MOUNT KISCO, N.Y. — Veteran Recruiter Nina Masellis is ready to head home after a long, grueling day of indiscriminately emptying her inbox of qualified applicants desperately seeking any kind of employment, sources working three part-time jobs to afford their daily commute confirmed.

“People think we just use AI to ghost qualified candidates, but there honestly aren’t enough hours in the day to be an effective recruiter,” lamented Masellis while unlocking level 12,411 on Candy Crush Saga during her ninth coffee break. “What’s most exhausting is keeping a straight face when a job seeker asks about compensation for an entry-level data entry position that requires a master’s degree, seven rounds of interviews, and a four-hour unpaid online assessment scheduled during work hours. But I know the perfect rockstar is out there, so why settle for anything less?”

Chronically underemployed college graduate Bryan Nichols is tired of jumping through hoops in order to get his foot in the door for even the most degrading of positions.

“After paying out the ass for a resume-writing service, crafting hundreds of humiliating, custom-tailored cover letters to flatter potential employers, and applying to every single position that LinkedIn and Indeed have to offer, I don’t know what else I should be doing to find some semblance of gainful employment,” stated Nichols after being prompted to provide four professional references in order to be considered for a seasonal cashier position that pays $13 an hour. “Also, how the fuck can somebody have 10+ years of experience with Google Gemini when it’s only been around for two?”

Longtime HR Generalist Gregory Hanson offers insight on how to mitigate the frustrating job-hunting process that candidates need to hear.

“Most companies actually have no plans to hire anybody despite their myriad job postings,” confirmed Hanson while thumbing through his well-worn Rubik’s Cube strategy guide. “What you need to realize is that these companies have to maintain the illusion that they’re in a phase of growth in order to placate their shareholders. Realistically, the best thing you can do is apply for a position in the recruitment industry because we could use all the help we can get. Otherwise, we’ll fail to meet our quota of insincere rejection letters addressed to ‘Applicant’ this fiscal quarter.”

At press time, Masellis was spotted on LinkedIn promoting her $1,500 “Land Your Dream Job” seminar through her unlicensed career coaching business.

Top 10 McDonald’s Secret Menu Items, Number 4 Will Blow Your Dick Clean Off

By Theia Hawkins

Holy fuck you guys won’t believe this shit. McFuckingDonald’s secret menu is real and it will change your normal dumbass lunch for the better. I tried the whole goddamn menu. These are the best ones and if you disagree you can shut the fuck up.

10. The McGangbang – The McBoys did it on this one — this sonofabitch is better than getting a handy at church. A double cheeseburger with a McChicken patty in the middle. I would have called it the McEiffel Tower, but whatever.

9. Big McChicken – Fuck bread. This slop beast is for you hardocore gym rat mother fuckers. It’s a Big Mac with McChicken Patties instead of buns. Get your macros or whatever the hell you freaks are always going on about.

8. Caramel Apple Sundae – First of all this shit goes hard. It’s appy slices in a sundae with caramel sauce. Don’t let those fucks lie to you about “ThE iCe CrEaM mAcHiNe Is BrOkEn” That shit works and they know it. Fight them outside if you have to. My move is I go “Do we need to get the manager involved?” and then I flash my custom brass knuckles with the word “Manager” bedazzled on the top. That usually gets Ronnie’s ice-cool sweet cream dick sauce flowin right quick.

7. Hashbrown McMuffin – At night when I can’t sleep from all the goddamn white Monsters I drink, I think about this breakfast orgasm. It’s a McMuffin with God’s perfect hashbrown in the middle. I love the crunch of hashbrown and eggshells.

6. Land, Air, Sea – This fucking abomination was made to prove that the kid who would eat weird shit at lunch in school could keep doing it. It’s a McChicken in the middle of Big Mac with a filet o’ fish patty. I choked this mistake down like I was a seagull in the parking lot, but you know what? It’s a goddamn right of passage. Toss that candy-ass happy meal and prove you got a pair by choking one of these bastards down your dickhole.

5. McKinely Mac – The Big Mac is for pussies who don’t love meat in their mouths. The McKinely is a Big mac with quarter pounder patties instead. That’s a half pound of the finest McMeat you can get with cream sauce. This one will seriously put some motherfucking balls on your chest for real dawg.

4. Apple Pie McFlurry – McPies are always the fucking tits. Now put one of them sons of bitches in a McFlurry. Hot and Cold tango in your mouth like when you eat a pizza roll fresh out of the microwave. I slammed one of these motherfuckers after I got kicked out of a Misfits cover show (for just drinking and having a good time mind you) and I am telling you bro I saw the face of GOD the second that culinary cum shot of apple goo and vanilla hit my tongue.

3. The Mc1035 – The cusp of breakfast and lunch, which by the way who the fuck is asking for hamburgers and nuggets at ten thirty in the god damn morning. It’s a McMuffin and McDouble combined. It’s so good you’ll shit your pants while reaching flavor nirvana. That ones not hyperbole, I actually defecate in my pants every time I order this piece of shit and I still get it all the time, that’s how fucking good it is.

2. The McGrilled Cheese – My mom’s special friend Debra introduced these to me. It’s just cheese and buns but she gets them with tomatoes and Mac sauce. I know she likes them because when they are in my mom’s room I can hear moaning about how good they are.

1. All American – The broke ass burger that reminds you that sometimes simple is the best. No cheese, no onion. Just beef, chup, and pickles. Never forget this is where it started before corporate America tried to upsell you with cheese and 401ks. Stay humble.

The McDonald’s secret menu isn’t for the masses. Gatekeep this shit from the losers who think that Mickey D’s isn’t healthy. I will personally come down to your house and flame-broil your ass if you give away this secret to someone who thinks “Burger King is better than McDonald’s”. Order from here and I promise your life won’t suck ass anymore. The people in your life will finally respect your dumbass decisions. Your kids will finally show you some goddamn respect. Your doctor… man FUCK your doctor, McDonald’s family restaurant for mother fucking life yo!

Heroic Suicide Hotline Worker Hangs Up on ICE Agent

By Tim Sheard

DALLAS — A local 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline worker abruptly hung up on a caller from U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement who was despondent over not ruining enough lives, proud coworkers reported.

“We are taught to never hang up on a caller- with a few exceptions, of course. Not everything in life is so black and white,” stated Katie Turner, who started working for 988 Lifeline after the death of her best friend by suicide. “A few exceptions are made for ICE agents, IDF soldiers, people who use speakerphones in public, and Stephen Miller if he ever calls. But if you don’t fall into one of those categories, we will work with you no matter how hopeless you feel. Your life has value and is worth saving. Those other guys? Not so much.”

The ICE agent in question, Troy Larrimer, has been showing signs of extreme depression ever since a February 2025 raid incident.

“I just can’t live with myself anymore. Back in February, I had a moment of extreme weakness where I didn’t handcuff this family’s elderly abuelita,” recounted a despairing Larrimer, who has tripled his weekly arrest rate since in an attempt to justify his existence. “She had an oxygen tank hooked up to her nose and was crying. While my squadmates were beating the shit out of everyone else in the house, I just kind of froze. How can I live with myself after such a show of cowardice? Since then, I’ve been dividing families and throwing teenagers into the back of vans but nothing quite fills the void I feel.”

Social workers described the devastating effects that ICE enforcement has on families and communities.

“Once ICE separates a family, there is no timeline for when they might be reunited. Sometimes it never happens. That’s why we call on everyone to resist ICE whenever possible,” stated Irene Garland, Child Advocate at Dallas Independent School District. “If you work at Starbucks? Jizz in an ICE agent’s coffee. Or maybe you’re a mechanic and are repairing an ICE agent’s car- whoops, you just didn’t happen to notice that new leak in their brake lines. If Congress will never have the backbone to eliminate ICE, we can at least make their lives miserable.”

If you are an ICE agent experiencing thoughts of suicidal ideation, remember this: your choices and actions have led you to be undeserving of the life you were gifted, and the world is better off without you.

Freddy Dunning–Kruger Vastly Overestimates His Ability to Murder Kids in Dreams

BY Shane Pauker

SPRINGWOOD, Ohio — Attempted murderer Freddy Dunning-Kruger has overestimated his ability to adequately slay children while they sleep, sources on Elm Street report.

“I kill kids in their dreams. It’s kind of my thing,” Dunning-Kruger reported from the subconscious plane of a psychosexual nightmare. “I’m pretty good at it, too — top 25% of nighttime dream murderers, I’d say. You’d think that if you killed them in their sleep, they would die in real life. It barely works. Half the time they wake up in a puddle of bed piss and I have to kill them from scratch again! And don’t get me started on when they lure me back into reality and murder me instead. Murdering a murderer who you hate because he’s a murderer? It’s so hypocritical.”

Dunning-Kruger’s survivors have noted patterns of inefficiency and shoddy work in his murder plots, despite his high-level self-assessment.

“Freddy talked a lot without really doing anything,” Dunning-Kruger survivor Patricia Granger admitted, apparently confused by Dunning-Kruger’s lack of ability. “He wanted to torture me with my deepest fears. I’m really only scared of public speaking, though, so he just sat in the audience while I gave a PowerPoint about the history of Ohio. He wiggled his knife glove at me a little bit, but I don’t think he was even trying to scare me: he was trying to check his watch. By the time he got up to kill me, my alarm had gone off and I was safe.”

Investigators familiar with Dunning-Kruger’s crimes claim his incompetence is common for paranormal serial killers.

“Yeah, Freddy, I’ve heard of him. Trying to murder kids in their dreams. Real bad at it. Seen a few cases like it before,” recalled crime scene investigator Elijah Landsman as he smoked in an office he was no longer allowed to smoke in. “They set unrealistic expectations — high quarterly goals for their murder quotas. Always think they’re gonna kill a whole group of horny teenagers or some shit, but at least one gets away — usually a girl, usually white. They try to look all macho with a knife glove or a hockey mask, but the form breaks the function; they can’t see jack shit through those masks. Can’t say I’m surprised that this guy is failing. He needs to nail the basics before he can add the pizzazz.”

At press time, Dunning-Kruger was seen entering a nightmare about a forgotten final exam.

Progress! A Woman Programmed These Breast Physics

BY Testament Crux

For decades, we’ve seen countless video games objectify the female form with tacky, over-the-top jiggle physics on comically large breasts. Ever since the dawn of 3D graphics, titles like Soulcalibur, Dead or Alive, and Zenless Zone Zero have pandered to young male audiences with childish caricatures of what teenage boys find sexy.

The male-dominated realm of game development has long perpetuated these harmful, unrealistic beauty standards, but studio Hilltop Games has said enough is enough: in their upcoming title Killhammer 3, the breast physics were programmed by a woman.

This unprecedented move was described by Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as “a huge victory for feminism.”

We spoke with the visionary behind Killhammer 3’s breast physics: Diana Baker, who herself possesses only a modest bust size. “Yeah, no, I just love being assigned stupid crap like this,” said Baker in a deadpan monotone. “That’s absolutely why I got into game development, so I could help fifteen-year-olds—and grown men with the brains of fifteen-year-olds—jerk off to my work. After all, are you really even gaming if you’re not staring at tits the size of basketballs flop around like a pillowcase in a wind tunnel? I just love my job.”

“Whatever,” she concluded. “At least I’m not working at Blizzard.”

Baker’s male supervisor, Evan D’Andrea, had nothing but praise for his loyal underling.

“Diana’s great. She’s a real broodma—I mean, workhorse. I don’t have to micromanage her at all since she takes feedback really well. For the breast physics, I mostly just told her to crank it way the hell up. If a woman in the game so much as takes a single step, those puppies ought to be slapping the ceiling. Aw yeah, video games are awesome.” D’Andrea then took some time to show off the small figurine collection at his workstation, including characters such as pre-reboot Lara Croft and the Sorceress from Dragon’s Crown.

“Women’s rights are constantly under attack these days,” said Hilltop Games’ male CEO Nicholas Wagner. “That’s why we pay our female employees 90 cents for every dollar we pay a man, well above the national average of 83 cents. It’s also why we have the women at Hilltop tackle sensitive issues like this, so that we can use them as a shield in case of criticism.” Wagner went on to tout the success of throwing female employees under the bus, citing credulous gamers constantly on the search for a woman to blame for absolutely any perceived wrongdoing.

At press time, online right-wing activist Mark “Grummz” Kern posted on X that he was “conflicted” by this development.