Hard Digest May 23: Harvard, Early Access Metalheads, Newsies, Ms. Rachel, and More

Harvard Asking Around To See If Anyone Knows Any Good Lawyers

By Dan Kozuh

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone knows a good lawyer who might be able to take on the Trump administration, sources confirmed.

“In a bit of a pickle here. Anyone out there got any good lawyer recs? Hopefully nothing too expensive, any leads are appreciated,” said the official Harvard account in a post on X. “Can’t talk too much about it here, but really looking for a lawyer that specializes in tax code, immigration, free speech, constitutional law, and has experience in front of the Supreme Court. DMs are open if you know anyone good. Kind of a rush job. Please help!!!!!”

Harvard Law Professor Jane Krueger hopes that some of her past students went on to become lawyers and might be willing to help out.

“I’ve been a professor here for nearly 20 years, so I’d expect at least a handful of the thousands of people I’ve taught eventually passed the bar exam. The only person that comes to mind right now is Greg Giraldo, but he died years ago,” said Krueger. “This would be easy if we needed a good doctor or a dentist. But lawyers are tricky; a lot of them just seem to disappear into the gears or corporate America and never really stick their heads out again. But hopefully we find something soon before Trump signs an executive order demanding Harvard be lit on fire.”

Legal scholar Edward P. Finnegan believes Harvard is just looking for free legal advice.

“This is the problem with being a lawyer sometimes. You have these major institutions with billion-dollar endowments hitting you up just to be like ‘Hey, the President of the United States is assaulting our right to operate freely, do you do free consultations?’ And it’s such a waste of time, because at this point, a lot of these major universities just end up using ChatGPT to get legal advice,” said Finnegan. “Also, Harvard loves to trade for services. They want you to represent them in a case that could set a legal precedent for decades, and they will let you take a semester of night classes at their School of Visual and Performing Arts for free. It’s not the best deal.”

In an effort to move public opinion to it’s favor, Harvard is also asking around to see if anyone can put them in touch with a good comedy writer.

Metalhead With No Hygiene Habits Inexplicably Owner of Most Beautiful Head of Hair You’ve Ever Seen

By Steve Packosky

MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report.

“I grew my hair long so I could headbang to Kreator and Demolition Hammer,” Clark said as he ran his hands through his nonsensically luscious locks of auburn curls. “It feels awesome to windmill it back and forth while listening to ‘Epidemic of Violence’ and pounding beers with my friends. I spend all of my money on booze and metal shirts, so I definitely don’t bother with buying shampoo. Having long hair is great, but sometimes it gets in the way, like last night when I puked my fucking guts out after drinking 11 cans of Miller High Life. I actually got some of it in my hair, but I wiped it out with a paper towel and I’m pretty sure I got most of it.”

You were absolutely bewildered at Clark’s hair.

“I just don’t get it,” you complained. “I spend a goddamn fortune on hair care products and salon visits. Not to mention the time I put into it every morning. Yet this dude has the nicest hair I could imagine without bothering to buy so much as a comb. It’s not fair. I doubt he would even notice if he started going bald, so why should he be in possession of something so beautiful if he won’t even appreciate it? Maybe I would get similar results if I stopped caring for my hair and became a total slob like him.”

Hair care expert Stefan Katsaros provided his expertise on the situation.

“There actually is a rationale behind this,” Katsaros provided. “We tend to cause damage to our hair by worrying over it and using excess amounts of product, when in reality it’s better to just become disgusting like the average metalhead. That way we’re letting our oils provide natural upkeep to the hair instead of harming it with excess chemicals. My advice to people looking to add volume and sheen to their hair is to stop showering, shotgun a Budweiser, and listen to some Municipal Waste. I would recommend tying it back if you have to vomit, but honestly, neglecting to do that doesn’t appear to have deleterious effects on any metalhead I’ve ever met.”

At press time, you also became jealous of Clark’s sewing prowess evident in the Morbid Saint patch on his vest.

The Next “Newsies”? These Children I’ve Employed Won’t Stop Complaining About How I Don’t Pay Them

By Steve Packosky

These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to inflation and tariffs can be absolutely devastating to the working class, so I fully support cutting any corners necessary to keep your bottom line as fat as possible. Let’s talk about regulations concerning child labor.

We all know these can be very strict, which is why I’ve managed to circumvent them by refusing to pay the children I’ve hired to work in my meatpacking plant. The first few weeks of this actually went pretty smoothly, with them toiling happily under the misguided notion that there would be fair recompense for their time and effort. However, as more weeks have passed, the constant complaints have evolved into talk of striking, much like the characters in beloved 1992 musical “The Newsies.”

While their umbrage with their lack of compensation has yet to show itself in catchy song and dance routines, who knows what my refusal to give in to their completely reasonable requests will yield in the coming weeks? Because let me make one thing clear: I am a man of principle. I like my shirts starched, my coffee black, and my child laborers unpaid. Call me old-fashioned, but I refuse to budge on this. No outside force, be it the ACLU or striking teens singing and dancing to a foot-tap inducing rendition of “Seize the Day,” can change my mind.

I should identify the leader and… adopt them? Is that what happens in the movie? Did it backfire?

I’m going to be completely honest here: I’ve largely forgotten the plot of “Newsies.” It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen it, and a middle-aged owner of a plant full of unpaid minors packing dubiously-sourced meat doesn’t really have the time to revisit old cinematic experiences. I just know that, when these kids inevitably decide to rebel and refuse to provide me with the unpaid labor that has so benefited me financially as of late, I’m going to have a real problem on my hands. History is full of unfairly treated adolescent newspaper hawkers winning the hearts of the public, and there’s no reason why this shouldn’t translate to the meatpacking industry. However, as I said earlier, we are in tough economic times. Compensating your employees is a privilege enjoyed by those during periods of positive GDP growth.

So what am I going to do here? Am I to just sit idly by while my tiny employees contact workers in other meatpacking plants throughout the city, much like the Newsies did when organizing their strike? That simply will not do, as other plants almost certainly pay their staff, who are also almost certainly fully grown adults. I run the risk of the media getting wind of my little scheme as well, as Bill Pullman’s reporter character definitely helped the Newsies break through to their curmudgeon distributor. No, I’m going to have to take a step back and think for a bit.

In the meantime, I’ve recently noticed that these kids have just befriended some teen across town who carries a slingshot everywhere. Again, it’s been a while since I’ve seen the movie, but something tells me this can’t be good.

Pro-Life Conservatives Boycott Ms. Rachel Over Controversial Anti-Baby Killing Stance

By Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Popular YouTube children’s entertainer Ms. Rachel sparked backlash from pro-life right-wing commentators for her brave stance against ongoing infanticide in Gaza, confirmed sources.

“After we’re finished protesting at Planned Parenthood, we’re gonna picket the YouTubes next,” shared Fran Amber-Sheridan while trying to re-download the Newsmax app. “It doesn’t make sense for Ms. Rachel to take a stand when we have hypothetical future taxpayers to advocate for here on American soil. These faraway ethnic babies will never contribute to our economy. We have all these poor unborn domestic fetus darlings, theoretical sweethearts, yet their reluctant and ‘supposedly unhealthy’ mothers want to hijack the entire conversation. Selfish. Look, I’m out here protesting to ensure babies aren’t killed before they’re born, what happens after is God’s plan. And I’m talking about my white God, just to be clear.”

Ms. Rachel’s talent agent Liza Madison weighed in on the controversy surrounding her client.

“We support our client in any decision she makes,” shared Madison from her CAA office. “This outspokenness can rattle internal relations, but we’re standing firm behind Ms. Rachel. Also, children are her main demographic. Of course she is going to make a statement when the audience is impacted. She needs tomorrow’s viewers still alive; to not speak out is bad business. Plus there is no way I’m having my 10% fee eaten into.”

Popular conservative AM radio host Buzz “The Rightman” Oroville addressed the topic on his nationally syndicated program.

“This liberal coastal educated anti-Semitism has to stop,” opined Oroville between Trump memecoin ads. “How dare Ms. Rachel talk about dying babies. Stick to the ABCs, not the ICUs! This is a craven attempt to expand her brand into international markets, and for what? Brown babies in conflict zones have zero spending power. Total waste of time. Stay in your lane, Ms. Rachel! Just stick to singing. It takes us far-right thought-leaders outside the lamestream media to set the record straight and stop the lies. Why not mention the billions of babies killed today on those California abortion farms? Old McDonald had a clinic, and the wheels on the bus go to Gavin Newsom’s adrenochrome lab.”

At press time, Israeli authorities are working with the federal government to raid Ms. Rachel’s studio and conduct a search for extremist militant Gaza children learning how to spell for future manifestos.

Borderlands 4 Priced at $80 to Fund Randy Pitchford’s Trip to Magic Camp

BY Johnny Amizich

FRISCO, Texas. — Facing backlash over the announcement of an $80 price tag for their upcoming game Borderlands 4, Gearbox admitted the bump in price was a means of funding CEO Randy Pitchford’s trip to magic camp.

The publisher defended Pitchford’s actions in a press release posted on social media.

“Randy Pitchford is a brilliant, brilliant man who has entertained and delighted gamers and enjoyers of magic for decades now,” The company said. “Frankly, the least you ingrates could do is foot the bill for the six weeks he will spend at Criss Angel’s magic camp this summer. Criss and Randy really hit it off when they met at a Medieval Times last year and after swapping phone numbers and USB drives Criss invited him to attend his magic camp. Randy accepted but like all rich people he isn’t used to paying for things so we decided to pass the cost on to you, the consumer, and frankly the response has been appalling. You have the chance to make a multi-millionaire’s dreams come true, and frankly it’s about time the working class did something to show their gratitude.”

Pitchford himself sounded off on X – The Everything App, Blaze Your Glory, to defend himself from the ire of angry gamers.

“Anyone who complains about a little bump in price for Borderlands 4 is a fake fan,” Pitchford said. “We’ve given you fucks literally billions of guns to play with over the years, the least you can do is give me a few million bucks to cover the cost of Criss Angel’s magic camp. God knows I won’t be spending my own money, and if any of you tries to cross me I swear to God I will cut you in half. But you best believe it won’t be any kind of magic trick. I’ll leave your mangled corpse on the front porch of your parent’s house along with an $80 invoice for Borderlands 4. I invented Claptrap and Tiny Tina, the two most beloved characters in video games, and this is how you repay me? Just remember, don’t cross Pitchford unless you wanna get Pitchfucked.”

An anonymous source from within Gearbox who is currently working on Borderlands 4 spoke under the condition of anonymity to Hard Drive

“For the love of God please buy our game to get this guy out of our office for the six weeks he’ll be at magic camp,” The employee stated. “I have a whole drawer full of quarters Randy has found behind my ear and a dozen paper flower bouquets he won’t let me throw away for some reason. I know paying $20 more for a game will suck, but I promise you it won’t suck as much as seeing him sulk and terrorize us around the office if the game doesn’t make enough to pay his way there to share his weird porn with Criss Angel.”

At press time, Pitchford was seen flagging down random cars outside Gearbox HQ and asking the drivers to donate to his Criss Angel’s Magic Camp or Bust fund.

Sly Cooper Joins Bungie Art Department

BY Matt Fresh

BELLEVUE, Wash. — Formerly unemployed master thief Sly Cooper has landed a new job. Bungie has confirmed that raccoon will be joining the studio as the lead of the Marathon art department.

Game director of Marathon Joe Ziegler believes that Sly’s skill set will take the game’s art direction to the next level.

“We couldn’t be more thrilled to have Sly joined the team. I honestly can’t believe that Sony has just been having him sit at home for the last 12 years. With him on board we’re gonna get so many people’s art to put in the game and now we don’t even need to pay anyone other than him. With the money we’re saving on artists thanks to his expertise, we’ll be able to implement an even more complex microtransaction system.”

Sly himself is excited to get back to doing what he does best.

“I’m a master thief, it’s in my blood. Literally. My whole bloodline is thieves, I was born to steal things but Sony has just had me sitting at home for almost 15 years. Thanks to Bungie I’m finally able to get back out there and show that I still have it. As lead of the art department, I pledge that Marathon is going to have some of the finest art that gamers have ever seen no matter who I have to steal it from. No artwork is safe or my name isn’t Sly Cooper.”

Sly’s appointment to the position comes after a long hiring process that saw multiple master thieves apply.

“I’ve been enjoying retirement but I saw the ad posting that Bungie wanted a master thief as head of the art department and figured a new challenge would be nice at this stage of my life,” said DB Cooper from an undisclosed location. “I’ve never stolen art before and I’m not quite sure what a video game is so I thought it would be fun to give it a shot but it is what it is. At least the job still went to a Cooper. That raccoon seems like a good kid, I’m sure he’ll do such a good job that artists won’t even notice their work has been stolen until they play the game.”

At press time, Bungie has announced a commemorative Sly themed Destiny 2 event where players can buy over priced cosmetics based on Sly’s first thefts for the studio.