Hard Digest May 21: Early Access Howard Stern, Crust Punks, Democrats, and More

Ride to Airport From Uncle Confirms Howard Stern Still Exists

By Tim Graham

BOSTON — Frequent flyer Kaitlyn Massey was surprised to learn that venerable shock jock Howard Stern is still alive and broadcasting, sources within her family’s group text confirm.

“It was nice of Uncle Craig to volunteer to drive me to Logan,” said Massey while eating a $19 airport Panera salad. “Unfortunately, he insisted on listening to Howard Stern the entire trip. I thought Stern retired like 20 years ago. My uncle understood that some of the subject matter they discussed made me a little uncomfortable, but he said he had to listen live every day and wasn’t willing to turn it off. Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Craig’s not a wholly inconsiderate person—he did crack the window whenever he lit up a butt.”

Uncle Craig Massey was resolute on listening to the show during the ride.

“I’ve listened to Stern every day of my adult life,” said the 55-year-old. “I wasn’t going to miss the live broadcast just because my niece was in the car with me. Sure, Kaitlyn probably didn’t enjoy hearing about Bababooey’s colonoscopy or High Pitch Eric’s taint rash, but she’s an adult, she can handle it. She’s just lucky Stern has toned it down in recent years. The old Stern was pretty liberal with the ‘R’ and ‘N’ words. He’d also do what overly sensitive people these days might call some ‘racist’ voices…That probably wouldn’t have gone over well.”

Stern’s mainstream pivot is what allowed him to survive when so many of his peers lost their gigs, according to ex-shock jock Nicky “The Boof” Monaghan.

“Times changed and anyone who didn’t adapt died off. I miss the halcyon days of the ‘90s when you had your choice of edgy jocks like Opie and Anthony, Bubba the Love Sponge, and Mancow,” said Monaghan. “Back then, any garage, workshop, or job-site you went to was blasting super graphic sex talk and boner sound effects every weekday morning. And yeah, I’ll say it, wokeness killed the shock jock. All of a sudden, regular working class guys were shamed for listening to stuff like fart sounds and porn stars moaning at high volume at work.”

At press time, Ms. Massey opted to spend $250 on an Uber for the return trip from the airport rather than spend any more time in the car with her uncle.

Inspiring! This Crust Punk Became a Doctor After Finding an Old Lab Coat in a Dumpster

By Ben Friedman

America at its best is the land of opportunity. It’s a place where (on paper at least) anyone from all walks of life can find success, happiness, and financial stability through hard work and perseverance. Of course we all know now that is complete fairy tale bullshit, but once in a while someone will come along who so thoroughly beat the crap out of the odds against them it’ll make you believe the American Dream is alive and well!

That is the case of local crust punk Jack “Jack Knife” Clemmons, who through grit and determination has become his scene’s doctor after scoring an old lab coat while dumpster diving behind an abandoned hospital.

“No one believed I’d ever amount to anything more than a purveyor of catalytic converters and stolen stereo equipment, but that was the old me. I knew I could be something more if I just applied myself, and the regional hospital shutting down was just the kick in the pants I needed to do something important. I was just planning on stripping the copper wires out of the walls, but the moment I fished that soiled lab coat out of the dumpster with all the other medical equipment, I knew I could totally use it to pick up chicks. So that’s Doctor Jack Knife to you all.”

For those of you questioning his qualifications, ponder this: is he any less qualified than anyone overseeing Health and Human Services? Exactly. And unlike those ghouls, Jack actually dresses like he belongs in the healthcare sector, stains and all. Plus he has like ten stethoscopes and a bunch of pens from pharmaceutical companies, so he looks totally legit.

“A few people have questioned my credentials, but I just show them all the tubes and syringes and shit I got in these coat pockets and they shut up pretty quickly. Plus this hospital threw out like, a hundred pads of prescription slips so I’m hooking up all my buddies with as much Valium as CVS has in stock. I just want to take care of my community.”

Talk about bootstrapping! And he did it in a fraction of the time than those super nerds who graduated Harvard at 17-years-old. It just goes to show all you need is a little ingenuity, a good eye, and the ability to stay ahead of when the town’s medical facilities schedule their dumpster pickups.

Democrats Hope That Putting “Gate” at the End of Trump Team Crimes Results in Something, Anything

By Tim Sheard

WASHINGTON — Democratic leaders praised their own strategy of placing “gate” at the end of Trump-led Republican crimes in the effort for something, possibly anything, to happen, confirmed sources.

“I have to say, I’m pretty proud of ‘Signalgate’ as an insult,” shared Senator Chuck Schumer. “It’s become an internal triumph for us. A rallying cry of sorts. AOC gave me a fist bump when that one was coined. Gotta wonder how Republicans will ever recover from such a presidential diss. Such a sick burn. If someone put ‘gate’ at the end of one of my snafus, I’d consider retiring early. Or even just plumb ending it all. Now, how do you spell ‘tariffs’ again? I’m trying to write ‘tariffgate’ on this little sign here for his next speech, but I can never remember if it’s double-R or double-F.”

Democratic think tank advisor Matt Glendale shared skepticism at the efficacy of placing “gate” at the end of controversies.

“It used to be that adding a ‘gate’ suffix meant they were over, period, donezo. That’s all changed, glory days are gone,” Glendale shared while sipping wine from a water bottle on a National Mall bench. “I say, let’s bring the word back. Let’s make it scary and shameful again. It’s become a mockery, another glib buzzword thrown around. I’ve got a little strategy up my sleeve: I’ve been pushing to call this entire era ‘Trumpgate.’ You like that? Now I think that would turn some heads. Barongate, Melaniagate — off the dome. Fresh ideas. Giving them away for free, baby. I’ll be here all day. Literally, since I lost my job.”

Conservative analyst Marie Fitz-Lerond has openly mocked the strategy.

“Nixon was super popular, so it’s actually a compliment if you reference Watergate. If anything, it’s so quaint, so fangless,” said Fitz-Lerond while stubbing a cigarette out on an unhoused veteran. “Nixon actually had huge approval ratings when he was bullied out of office. The ‘silent majority’ would’ve followed him to the ends of the Earth. I know I would, the handsome devil. Anyway, Democrats have been using this feckless tactic for decades in lieu of doing any sort of actual opposition. Look no further than ‘9/11gate,’ ‘mission accomplishedgate,’ and ‘freedom friesgate.’”

At press time, Democratic leaders in the Capitol continued their soft, uphill resistance against Trump, smirkingly warning of a “recessiongate” and snarkily tittering about the continued unwarranted process of “deportationgate.”

“Hello, Weary Traveler,” And Other Pick Up Lines Guaranteed To Seal The Deal

BY Jordan Liffengren

So you’ve slain a dragon, blasted a few aliens, and jacked a car while blasting Kenny Loggins—you can do it all. But does that fair maiden at the Olive Garden bar know you’re the ultimate catch? It’s time to let her know—we’ve got the pickup lines guaranteed to seal the deal.

• “Hello, weary traveler.”

This shows that you’re not like the other guys. You care about her commute. The 15-minute drive in her Prius probably felt like three days by horse. She is most likely in need of sustenance and you can provide her with something even better—a basket of endless breadsticks.

• “State your business.”

Try charming her with some professional energy. No frills, just hard hitting questions that force her to tell you, in detail, exactly what she’s doing at this Olive Garden and whether she is betrothed to another. Remember, women swoon when guys at the bar make them explain themselves

• “Why must ye keep bothering me like this?”

Opening with an accusatory question in a guttural dwarf voice is whimsical as hell. Add some merriment to her gloomy day. We have fun here and she should know. She’ll totally get that this is an inside joke between the two of you. You can follow this one up with a classic “I’m not like the other orcs—I’m bi.”

• “Allow me to offer you some unsolicited advice.”

The ladies can’t get enough of this one. Forget “Hi!” or “Come here often?” We’re not here to play a little boy’s game—we’re here to smash. When she says “no thanks,” hit her with some constructive criticism on her loudly displayed decolletage. She’ll be more than happy to sit and listen over two Sicilian Sunsets (if they’re on the happy hour menu).

• “Get a job!”

Playful, edgy, real—this pickup line has it all. I mean, what is this girl doing at the Olive Garden bar on a Tuesday at 3pm? Wait. She says she’s a server. Wow, a working girl. This means she has her own doubloons! Good for her! Well, it still works as a flirty way to grab her attention when yelled from across the room.

• “Bad time to get lost, friend.”

You’re two bowls of fettuccine alfredo deep and you grab the wrist of the waitress you thought was a lone patron. Don’t worry, this is not only acceptable, but encouraged at a family establishment like this. You know, statistically speaking, 60% of romantic relationships start at the workplace. This could be your meet-cute. She won’t be able to resist the raw sensuality of it all.

• “I do not fear death. Paradise awaits me.”

Time to show her who you really are. You’re a deep soul who’s lived a thousand lives. She may be calling her manager over to talk to you. Apparently you’re “creeping the staff out,” and “not wearing shoes,” but that’s just her way of playing hard-to-get. Later on in the night you’ll both laugh about this.

• “Obviously, you were raised by a naughty wizard.”

With just a tip of your fedora, this line will bring her to her knees. Be sure to add a sultry wink after the word “naughty” for full effect. She has no idea that you’re a dungeon master—a powerful storyteller and rogue warlock. Your magical staff will have her screaming for more, not unlike the way you begged for more grated parmesan.

• “By the way… Do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking.”

Looks like the cops just showed up. I wonder who they’re here for? What a bummer to have to deal with this in the middle of your mating ritual. Anyway, this pickup line is just for funsies. Everyone loves a joke about sex with the dead! Especially Jessica Hawthorne, part-time server at the Olive Garden on Central Avenue who lives seven blocks down and drives a red 2014 Corolla.

• “My hotel’s as clean as an elven arse.”

Seal the deal with next steps. Women love men with a plan. Let Jessica know you don’t have a hotel room, but you do have a bedroom at your parents’ house . You’ve also bleached your asshole for this very occasion. “Why the hell are you doing this to me?” she may ask. Before the authorities drive you away, let her know you’ve been waiting a lifetime for a woman like her to crush your balls in razor-sharp stilettos.

D&D Player Protesting Book Burning Just Gonna Toss In 4e Handbook Real Quick

BY Trevor Hazell

MURFREESBORO, Tenn. — Reports have emerged that last Thursday, during a protest against nightly book burnings by a group of radical Christian fundamentalists, one protester was seen quietly switching sides. D&D fan Brett Stacks was spotted sneaking away from the group and casually tossing what appeared to be the 4th Edition Player’s Handbook into the flames.

“This just isn’t the kind of supporter we want joining our movement,” said Regina Kraft, local Librarian and one of the protest’s organizers. “Frankly, we’re all appalled by Mr. Stacks’ actions. Up until the incident, he had shown nothing but support for our cause. I’m not really sure what sort of intense hatred suddenly possessed him to momentarily join in on such a heinous act. I don’t know much about Dungeons & Dragons, but I can only hope he was attempting to make some sort of ironic statement about the Satanic Panic that surrounded the game in the 80’s? I’m just still baffled as to what could be so horrible about that book to cause him to do such a thing.”

Others from the protest were quick to also share their disapproval for the ritualistic destruction of years of attempted gameplay balancing.

“I think burning books of any kind is abhorrent,” said protester Mike Burnsap, owner of Legacy Coins and Cards. “Why do these people burn books? Because they’re cowards, that’s why. They have hatred and fear in their hearts towards anyone that doesn’t conform to their outdated ideals. How people live their lives has no effect on these hateful souls, and yet they refuse to leave them be. Just because 4th Edition exists doesn’t mean you can’t just continue to enjoy 3.5e. Maybe it doesn’t fit your idea of “The Traditional, Nuclear Gameplay” but you and your campaign can believe in your own ruleset while leaving others to believe theirs. What does burning books even accomplish in the digital age? Unless you plan on somehow burning every digital handbook on D&DBeyond, it accomplishes nothing.”

Despite the backlash, Brett refused to disavow his actions. Instead releasing a statement on his Roll20 account to hopefully provide some defense for his actions.

“I agree with everyone at Thursday’s protest that book burnings are detestable,” writes Brett. “These are churchgoers who parrot the opinions of others, who are told what they should hate, and I guarantee everyone who burns books like this hasn’t even read them to experience first hand what it is they’re so opposed to. No, I haven’t played 4e. But I know when something spits in the face of everything the game stands for. I mean, why even have different classes if they all become trivial in combat? And why lean so hard on combat in your TTRPG? Did they forget what the RP stands for? Listen, I support people no matter their gender identity, sexual orientation, race, background, or their preferred method for determining ability scores. But some texts are better left unpublished. It’s not unbridled hatred if the thing I hate genuinely sucks.”

At press time, Brett further elaborated on his feelings towards the 2024 Player’s Handbook, taking a firm stance against the newest edition unless Wizards of the Coast finally officially adds the Mystic class into the game.