Hard Digest May 12: Early Access Chrome, Posers, Festivals, and More

Punk-Designed Chrome Extension Stops Google From Asking You If You Want to Kill Yourself Every Time You Look Up “Suicidal Tendencies”

By Noah Dominguez

SEATTLE — Punk web designer Priscilla Prange published a new Chrome extension that stops Google from asking if you want to kill yourself every time you look up the band Suicidal Tendencies, sources wondering if this is super necessary confirmed.

“Obviously, it’s important for people struggling with their mental health to have access to helpful resources. But I think I speak for all punks and metalheads when I say I don’t need to see a popup for the crisis line every time I Google one of my favorite bands to find tour dates or new album updates or whatever. So, I decided to use my tech smarts to tackle this pressing issue,” Prange said. “It always just bummed me out, you know? I don’t want to be reminded of the harsh realities of the world when I’m just trying to relax and listen to songs about being violently depressed, nuclear fallout, getting stuck in a dead-end job, or being deprived of my favorite soft drink.”

Tommy Chacon, Prange’s roommate who tested her Chrome extension, isn’t certain making it was the best use of her time or talents.

“Yeah, getting that popup all the time can be kind of annoying for ST fans like us. But is having to scroll for an extra half-second to get to the results you actually want really the worst thing in the world?” Chacon pondered. “I think if Priscilla really wanted to make an impact, she’d come up with something to bypass the crisis filter on Facebook. That site won’t even show you any results if you type the band’s name into the search bar! So, if you want to get to their page, you have to open a new tab and Google ‘Suicidal Tendencies Facebook’ like some kind of animal.”

Suicidal Tendencies drummer Jay Weinberg found the extension quite useful in his day-to-day life.

“It’s really revolutionized my online experience,” Weinberg said. “I Google ‘Suicidal Tendencies’ once or twice a week just to make sure the guys didn’t fire me without saying anything. I’ve had to scroll past the crisis line popup plenty of times. Enough was enough. By the way, do you want some Slipknot enamel pins? I really need to get rid of these and Goodwill stopped taking them.”

At press time, Prange was reportedly having less luck coming up with ways to stop people from asking why her Suicidal Tendencies t-shirt has a picture of Charles Manson on it.

Poser? All This Guy’s Friends Are Alive

By Dom Turek

Being part of a subculture isn’t just about having the right look, going to the right events, or rubbing elbows with the right people. It’s also about having amassed a respectable number of dead friends before turning 35. All the rare first press records and Sonic Youth tote bags in the world won’t help you establish scene cred if someone finds out most of your friends are alive and well, which is exactly what happened to local Trader Joe’s employee, Donovan Headrick.

When a coworker shows up late for their shift hungover, smelling like cigarettes, and wearing the same threadbare Hüsker Dü t-shirt day after ever living day for three months, you just assume this person is an ally who has also lost at least eight close friends due to unnatural causes. Who could have known the same guy sporting a raccoon tail keychain on his pants would be revealed as a complete poser with not a single dead friend to his name?

Finding out the closest thing Headrick had to a dead friend was an uncle who died from a peanut allergy 15 years ago was a slap in the face to anyone who considered him a legitimate scenester. How are his peers supposed to commiserate over their friend who died from autoerotic asphyxiation while he’s sitting next to them at the bar pouring one out for his grandpa who died of old age surrounded by friends and family? That’s just twisted.

He has a pet rat named Ellios after Ellio’s pizza, for Christ’s sake. I didn’t even think pet stores allowed people to purchase rats unless they could prove at least two of their friends had died from early-onset cirrhosis or gout. No one blames him for his friends not being dead, but everyone is certainly feeling misled. It’s like finding out the sweet old lady who lives next door to you spends her weekends picketing planned parenthood.

It’s tragic to think a 33-year-old with ties to the arts and music scene never had the chance to boost his social capital and cash in on pity points by having a close friend die from drugs, suicide, or violence. Some people just can’t catch a break.

Festival Promoters Promise Perfect Mix of Incredible Lineup and Being Too Expensive for Anyone Who Actually Likes Music

By Reuben Blanchard

LAS VEGAS — The promoters for the buzzworthy music festival The Good Old Days are extremely excited for the amazing lineup to blow the minds of the few people who can afford tickets, confirmed sources.

“We really wanted to make sure that every artist on the bill was a once-in-a-lifetime must-see while also keeping our firm commitment to the idea that only influencers and the super wealthy will be able to attend,” said festival organizer Duff Blakeson. “This is one of the most insane lineups you’ll ever see, with a reunited Minor Threat sharing the stage with Taylor Swift, not to mention a reunited White Stripes, REM, and the Smiths. And the best part is that there won’t be any poors there to ruin your experience.”

Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg is one of the few people wealthy enough to afford a ticket and has expressed his excitement for the three-day event.

“I look forward to seeing the music program. I like the music. I like all music. And because America is back, music is back,” said Zuckerberg. “So I’ll watch the music be performed, which is something I love and have always loved. As a cool guy, which I have always been, I listen to the rock, but also the rap and the pop. So pretty much all the music. This is a thing people have always said about me, that I listen to the music that is good and know which music cool and should be listened to.”

Veteran music journalist Jen Walker thinks the festival’s lineup is great but feels there’s a real issue with accessibility.

“I’m flabbergasted. Two-hour sets from Wu-Tang, Joni Mitchell, and the Original Destiny’s Child lineup. I mean, somehow they got Blur and Oasis to agree to do a set together where they cover each other’s songs. It’s incredible,” said Walker. “But as far as I can tell, no actual music fans can afford to be there. I mean, Mr. Beast just tweeted, ‘Can’t wait to see Rage Machine at The Good Old Days!’ Does he mean Rage Against the Machine? Because they aren’t playing, right? Are they? At this point, there’s 475 artists playing so I’ve kinda lost track.”

At press time, The Good Old Days sold a total of 23 tickets to who organizers referred to as, “the right kind of people.”

Civ VII Disables Warmonger Penalties When Playing as Israel

BY Nick Lundquist

BALTIMORE — Following a recent patch to “Civilization VII,” Firaxis Games has confirmed that they have disabled all warmonger penalties when playing as Israel. 

“We strive for realism,” said Creative Director Ed Beach while interviewed on the street without warning. “Our approach to turn-based strategy games is to reflect every nation’s trademark culture and attributes. For France, you can build the Eiffel Tower. For Israel, you can drop white phosphorus on a hospital without the United States getting mad.”

Designers at Firaxis have reportedly spent months developing the unique units, buildings, civics, and buffs of the Israeli civilization without breaking the game’s meta.

“We had to jump through some hoops on this one, that’s for sure,” said Game Designer Joe Weinhoffer in a candid interrogation. “Israel is unique in our lineup in that it doesn’t follow practically any of the rules, laws, regulations, expectations, morals, or restrictions of our other more modern civilizations. So, we baked that into their core gameplay! For example, their unique unit ‘20-Year-Old IDF Soldier’ is extremely effective against civilians.”

Gamers have unsurprisingly mixed opinions about the update, with many voicing both support and condemnations regarding the controversial civilizations addition.

Trump Issues 100% Tariffs on All Fuckable Popcorn Buckets Not Made in USA

BY Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump promised on Sunday to increase tariffs on all foreign made popcorn buckets that can double as a sex toy. 

“The Movie Industry in America is DYING a very fast and flaccid death,” said the President in a long and rambling post on Truth Social over the weekend. “Other Countries are offering all sorts of incentives to draw our VERY FERTILE men into theaters with silicone popcorn bucket toppers that are TOO SMALL for the average American man.”

The post was sent out on Truth Social only minutes after the President exited a matinee screening of Denis Villeneuve’s “Dune: Part 2.”

“He’s a year late but still demanded all the toys, cardboard cut-outs, and popcorn buckets from the film’s release,” said a White House movie theater attendee who makes slightly less than minimum wage. “He also demanded we complain about the 2024 ‘Biden economy’ and how he’s the reason movies like this won’t succeed anymore.”

Trump’s fixation with the film industry came only days after his remarks at a White House press briefing regarding an expected doll shortage for the spoiled little girls of America. 

“It’s difficult for the President to grasp complex socio-political topics, so we break it down to him in terms he can understand,” said the President’s Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles. “Toys, movies, pencils, sharks, windmills, and tattoos are just a few of the terms President Trump gravitates towards. He’s got a big, beautiful brain capable of so much, we are so lucky.”

The fuckable popcorn bucket industry, which is based primarily in China, welcomed the 100% tariff as it is 145% less than the nationwide tariff promise Trump made just a few weeks earlier. 

“The viral sensation of the Dune popcorn bucket is too profitable not to eat this insane price hike,” said AMC CEO Adam Aron. “We come to this place for magic, we come to AMC theaters to laugh, to cry, and to stick our penises into a buttery pocket pussy sold at the concessions counter.”

At press time, President Trump had commissioned Elon Musk to have Tesla pioneer an American made alternative to the popcorn bucket that can be used in all of his computer cars. 

PBS Assures Supporters They Know How to Deal With Smug, Little Assholes

BY RJ Dralle

ARLINGTON, Va. — After President Trump cut federal funding to the Public Broadcasting service, CEO Paula Kerger assured fans that she knows how to deal with smug, little assholes after putting up with Caillou’s shit for years. 

“If you’ve dealt with one whiny, little bitch, you’ve dealt with them all,” explained Kerger. “They just want attention and will do anything for it. Name-calling, hair-pulling, pinching. No matter how hard it is, you just have to ignore it. But if you can’t or they really get under your skin, you can call their mommy. Or in Trump’s case, call his daddy—Putin.” 

Another PBS employee also sounded frustrated at the President’s threats. 

“We already have one Caillou who is a complete and total bitch baby! We don’t need another,” yelled Dennis Feldman, senior operator of audience and revenue growth. “Why doesn’t that arrogant, selfish jackass go bother Ms. Rachel or hassle the crew at Nick Jr.? We have enough on our plates trying to deal with that bald, fucking shithead, Caillou.”

While the world watches PBS and Trump go head-to-head, broadcast historian, Bill Grant, explains what this could mean for the future of television. 

“On one hand, none of us would have to suffer the agony of listening to loud-mouthed, dickhead Caillou ever again,” said Grant. “But on the other hand, millions of children would never get the education that they so desperately need if they lose PBS. So it’s a tough thing to think about. But the good news for those that are worried, no matter what, one prick is going to lose.” 

At present time, neither the Trump or Caillou camp were willing to speak to reporters. The only thing reporters were offered was a loud, fart noise coming from their mouths.