Hard Digest May 7: Early Access Violent Femmes, Nirvana, Binaca, and More

Violent Femmes Finally Spring for Bass Drum

By Jeff Bender

MILWAUKEE — Legendary folk-punk group Violent Femmes announced Thursday that the band has finally bought a bass drum after 44 years of using just a snare and, occasionally, a 22” Weber Kettle Grill, excited sources reported.

“I want to be clear that this is just a trial period. We found a used bass drum at Rick’s Music and Christmas Shoppe on Brady Street and got a really good deal on it. But it’s fully refundable after 30 days,” said Gordan Gano, the Femmes’ guitarist and lead songwriter. “So we figured, eh, we’re going on tour, we have tons of expensive violins and acoustic basses, John [Sparrow, the Violent Femmes’ current drummer] has been a good boy. We’ll see how it goes. But if he gets at all uppity and starts thumping that thing more than once every four beats, we’re taking it away and sending it—and maybe him—back to Rick’s.”

Sparrow, the band’s intermittent drummer since 2005, reported nothing but excitement for his new piece.

“Wow, this really opens up a lot of avenues for me as a drummer,” Sparrow said. “I mean, the Femmes might have a completely different sound from now on. Instead of just brushing the snare with one hand and striking it on the two and four with the other, I can now go brush-dum-BAP, brush-dum-BAP—the ‘dum’ being the bass drum. Think how I could drive the beat in something like ‘Add It Up’ or go ‘bum-bum, bum-bum’ on ‘Blister in the Sun.’ I really think this could be my defining era as a drummer.”

Danielle Haim, songwriter and lead singer of the sister-group HAIM, advised Gano to tread lightly in terms of “feeding” a drummer.

“I’d be really careful with what you let him get away with,” said Haim, who’s been known to replace her drummer willy-nilly with a machine. “Make sure he knows this is a one-time thing and not by any means a ‘promotion’ or an invitation to play louder or—dear God—a fill. Otherwise, they can start building expectations for outrageous things like a tom-tom, a seat on the bus, or even a hotel bed. Whenever my drummer gets a little too ask-y, I just dub in a drum machine and have him sit in the corner and think about his choices.”

At press time, Gano was overheard denying Sparrow’s request for a cymbal.

Sad! Kid in Nirvana Shirt Doesn’t Even Know the Words to “Moist Vagina”

By Zack Zagranis

It was P.T. Barnum’s angsty cousin who once said, “There’s a poser born every minute,” and the older I get, the more I think truer words were never spoken. On the one hand, it’s cool that ‘90s alternative is experiencing something of a resurgence with today’s youth culture, but how sincere is it? On a recent trip to my sisters place to do laundry I met Trevin, her 12 year old son’s snot nosed friend, who I noticed was sporting a Nirvana T-Shirt but who, when pressed, couldn’t even recite the words to “Moist Vagina.”

I politely attempted to test my nephew’s friend by asking them, “ If you’re such a big Nirvana fan, what song is ‘I’ve been sucking the walls of her anus’ from?” and the kid just looked down at the floor and shuffled their feet awkwardly. He seemed deeply uncomfortable right away; that’s how embarrassed he was to be outed as a poser. Sorry Trevin, you may have the wherewithal to cut the Hot Topic tag from your oversized “In Utero” tee, but it’s clear you’ve never bothered to track down the Japanese “All Apologies” import with the “Moist Vagina” B-side. Pathetic.

As true audiophiles know, there has been an influx of “fake fans” lately — people who wear merch from bands they don’t know anything about just because they like the design. My nephew’s friend fit the fake fan profile perfectly. There was no patchy scruff below their chin, no interrupting people with, “Um, actually.” This pre-teen puke didn’t even say “I prefer their earlier stuff, before they sold out.”

I hate being a gatekeeper, so out of fairness, I gave the kid another chance to prove they weren’t a poser. This time, I threw them a softball. “Hey kid, what song is it where Kurt sings “Beans, beans, Jessie ate some beans?” It was painfully obvious from their one-word answer of “Huh?” that they had never experienced the lo-fi awesomeness of “Beans” from Montage of Heck. At this point, I doubted the kid could even tell the difference between “Mexican Seafood” and “Hairspray Queen.”

Oh, the kid knew “With the lights out, it’s less dangerous,” of course, but when I grilled them on the meaning behind “Pee pee pressed against my lips,” from “Floyd the Barber” suddenly I was “being inappropriate,” and “embarrassing” my nephew “again.”

Look, I’m just trying to do my part to educate today’s youth. Do you want a whole generation walking around in Iron Maiden T-shirts because they enjoy Steve Harris’s nuanced, gallop-style bass playing on “The Trooper” or because they think the zombie guy on all of Maiden’s albums looks cool? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Being a Nirvana fan isn’t about buying a cool-looking shirt and listening to “Nevermind” on Spotify. It’s about going on eBay and paying through the nose for an Australian copy of the “Hoarmoaning” EP on vinyl. It’s about knowing the difference between the “Outcesticide II” bootleg and “Outcesticide III.”

The encounter may have ended with my nephew and his friend running upstairs while muttering derogatory comments about me under their breath and my sister telling me I’m barred from her house because I “have no chill” but if that kid in the Nirvana shirt comes away from it with a new appreciation for the band’s music then it was all worth it.

Study Finds Strong Correlation Between Binaca Use and a Hot Date With a Total Babe

By Steve Packosky

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Sociologists at the University of Michigan have discovered a shocking correlation between Binaca use and an upcoming date with a smoking hot babe, sources report.

“We had expectations going into our field experiments, but this completely blew them out of the water,” said head researcher Carrie Robergh. “We performed an extensive field study over the course of several months, and Binaca was used as an accessory to anticipated intimacy with a totally bodacious hottie in over 80% of our findings. Moreover, the babe in question was completely out of the league of the Binaca user in almost 60% of cases. I don’t even think I need to say it out loud, but this can have staggering implications for horny nerds everywhere.”

Socially awkward dweeb Simon Dorkus reflected on the experiment as he prepared for a date.

“I’m not at all surprised by these findings,” Dorkus said while pushing his thick-rimmed eyeglasses up his nose. “I spend most of my time in Mathletes or playing ‘World of Warcraft’ with my friends, so it’s not every day that I get to go on a date with the prettiest girl in school. Of course I’m going to give myself a spritz of Binaca beforehand, as well as make sure my pants are properly hiked up above my bellybutton and my TI-83 is safely secured in my front left pocket protector. I can’t wait to see how impressed she is when I show her my prowess in calculating logarithms with bases other than 10.”

Dorkus’ date Katelynn Kapranski didn’t see eye to eye with him.

“I initially thought my date with Simon was a tutoring session,” Kapranski admitted. “I’m not doing very well in algebra and my parents won’t let me go to Sunday’s big game against the Wildcats if I don’t ace the midterm tomorrow. I’m the Homecoming Queen, so there’s no way I can miss it. However, when I saw Simon use Binaca before knocking at my front door, I knew this was in fact a date. I’m actually kind of impressed at his boldness, but my boyfriend Brett Norris is not going to be happy when he hears about this. He’s the captain of the football team, so Simon better be careful.”

At press time, the research team made a breakthrough discovery of a link between getting a kiss from the babe and hearing a resounding “whoooo” from an unseen audience.

Shigeru Miyamoto Confirms Yoshi has a Cloaca

BY Brendan Osorio

KYOTO, Japan — Surprising news from Nintendo this week as Shigeru Miyamoto has let the world know that yes indeed, Yoshi has a cloaca. It’s unclear how much this quandary was affecting the public consciousness, but regardless the matter has been settled.

“I get this question all the time when I make public appearances and frankly I just wanted to put the question to bed,” Miyamoto said when asked why Switch 2 games would be priced so high. “The rumors are true though, all yoshis have cloacas and were always intended to. Fans have always wondered if Yoshi has a penis! Of course he does not. I intend to go into great detail about the anatomy of Yoshi to answer all inquiries into his genitalia.”

Reporters were vexed why the video game mogul had decided to talk at length about such a topic in the wake of questions about the Switch 2 and Mario Kart World, but Miyamoto pressed on:

“You see when two yoshis mate they perform what is called a cloacal kiss. It’s a beautiful process that we’d like to show our fans up close in a new Yoshi Story game coming exclusively to Nintendo Switch 2 for the very reasonable price of $149.99.”

Some fans have reacted positively to the news while others have not been so enthused about learning more into the body make-up of their beloved character. Many wonder what this means for other Nintendo characters.

“So everytime Yoshi lays an egg it’s coming out of a cloaca? I mean I guess that makes sense but it feels weird to know that I guess,” said Sam Toniton of Chicago, Illinois. “I like to play as Yoshi whenever I play Mario Kart but now it just seems different. What does this say about Birdo? Does Birdo have a cloaca too?”

Oddly enough, Miyamoto later answered that question when asked why Nintendo products never seem to come down in price saying, “Yes it’s true Birdo does have a cloaca, but in that big snoot thing on her face. She does have a butthole though.

Nation’s Antiheroes Announce You Must Be Pretty Desperate To Come To Them For Help

BY Spenser Willden

NIGHT CITY — The nation’s antiheroes convened on a dark rooftop in Night City last Friday to announce that the situation must be pretty dire for you to be seeking their help.

“Well, well, well, what have we got here?” read group spokesperson ‘Killswitch’ from a statement prepared and ratified by each of the group’s most heavily-tattooed members. “You always thought our methods were too extreme. We guess the tables have turned.”

According to antihero “Hooded Gun”, who began as a pointed allegory for the danger of right-wing masculinity but who now is just sort of an edgy guy, the priority of the group remains what is in it for them.

“There’s just one thing we want to know: what’s in it for us?” read Gun. “You may think we do this out of the goodness of our hearts: but no. We’re cool and ‘2016’ in that way.”

The group also announced that the going rate for their antihero work will also be increasing, in line with the increased workload due to the negative state of the world.

“Where once we worked to protect our own lives and, occasionally, for the promise of a one-million-dollar payday we would ultimately reject at the end of our character arcs, now we work for the promise of a TWO-million-dollar payday that we will ultimately reject at the end of our character arcs,” Killswitch announced to the gathered group of police commissioners, driven reporters, and hard-edge government handlers.

Though the state of the world is now desperate enough to require the assistance of antiheroes, not everything is so bleak: according to mall employee Blaize Embers, sales at every Hot Topic have never been higher.

“Our stock has shot through the roof. When these characters first appeared, they were villains. And they still kinda are, but now they’re more palatable to parents. And that has merch implications,” said Embers. “If there’s one thing teens love, it’s misunderstood heroes with merch implications.”

At press time, the group has also declared that “we’re not so different you and I”