Hard Digest April 12: Early Access Rap-Rock, Feminism, and Hulkamania

Right Wing Rap-Rock Band Releases New Single “Cop Kisser”

By The Hard Times Staff

GAINESVILLE, Fla. — Local rap-rock band Antagonyze released their latest single “Cop Kisser” which they say should act as a blueprint on how to appreciate and respect all members of law enforcement, sources close to the band confirmed.

“Yo, it makes me sick how much hate I see for cops online. These brave men and women put their mothafuckin’ bodies on the line for us every single day and the best way I could show my appreciation is to write a dope ass song about how we all need to be kissing more cops right on the lips,” said frontman Krazy Karl. “I love cops so much that I’ll speed through school zones hoping to get pulled over. When they ask for my license and registration I’ll give them a little smooch on the hand, and then it’s time to french. This country would be so much better if we all got a little bit more mothafuckin’ comfortable with showing physical affection toward cops, that’s what this dope song is all about.”

Gainesville police officers are aware of the new song and fully support the message.

“Most songs you hear about law enforcement are about how we are all monsters and how cops should be killed. It’s nice to finally have a hard-rocking song about tenderness towards police,” said Officer James Torres. “Sometimes the stress of this job can get to me. Just the other day I had to sit in my car for 45 minutes while two people sorted out a minor traffic accident. People don’t understand how mentally taxing it can be to just sit in a car for eight hours straight. But then a band like Antogonyze comes along and cheers me up. I’m lucky enough to have kissed two members of the band already.”

Music critics across the country have roundly dismissed the song as nothing more than cop-aganda.

“I was expecting Dick Wolf to be a producer on this song. The lyrics are mainly about how cops are superheroes and the least we can do as citizens is gently kiss a cop’s lips to show our appreciation. I roundly disagree with the sentiment and believe we need massive reforms to law enforcement,” said Lauren Terria. “Not to mention, musically the song is a mess. They lifted entire basslines from Korn, the vocals sound like they were recorded in a tin can, and I think they used GarageBand to fill out the drum parts. My version of hell is listening to this song on repeat.”

At press time, Antagonyze announced on Truth Social they were just tapped to perform at the Gainesville Policeman’s Ball.

Feminist Icon? This Woman Ruined Her Life Without Any Help from a Man

By Dom Turek

Feminism is a scary word for men. Like “dentist” or “accountability,” it evokes visceral reactions from guys who think maternity leave is “woke.” The idea that a delicate, right-brained woman could change a tire, read a map, or employ decades of piss-poor coping mechanisms that will ultimately derail her own life without any outside assistance is unfathomable, spine-tingling, and possibly even sacrilegious.

Historically, women have relied on men to get things done for no other reason than that societies tend to prioritize the male viewpoint, and function as such. Though our grandmothers and great-grandmothers might have dreamed of being trailblazers, it was illegal for women to wear pants back then, and it’s not easy to blaze trails in a poodle skirt and Victorian corset. Thankfully, times have changed, and this local woman is taking advantage of the freedoms her ancestors couldn’t enjoy by fucking up her life with no help from a man.

After years of being chided by older members of her family asking, “When are you going to settle down and find a nice-passing guy to undermine your confidence, strip you of your identity, and ultimately ruin your one god-given life?” local feminist icon Tina Kirk posed a revolutionary question to herself. “What if I could ruin my life more effectively than any man ever could?” Armed with the knowledge that anything is possible as long as you believe in your self-sabotage, she set out to do just that.

Kirk doesn’t expect the older women in her family to understand, and how could they? She comes from a long line of great aunts who were given lobotomies for staying out too late at barn dances and grandmothers who couldn’t buy a car without a permission slip from their husbands. Their inability to accept the fact that an unmarried, single woman can fuck up their own life so badly that even strangers advise them to “just give up,” and “find god” is just a symptom of generational trauma.

Why employ a man to impart doubt, imposter syndrome, and poor self-image when you have a wide range of anxiety disorders to do it for you? These days, women have the freedom to vote for one of two presidential candidates who will both actively try to dismantle their rights. Now that’s power. A woman can legally file for divorce and spend her entire settlement on Venetian blinds in the fit of mania without being institutionalized, and that, ladies, is progress.

Scientists Concerned After Discovering New Strain of Hulkamania in Livestock

By The Hard Times Staff

DALLAS — Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control raised warning flags about a new strain of Hulkamania found in livestock that, if left untreated, could spread and cause an epidemic of unbridled pride in America, sources confirmed.

“This particular strain of Hulkamania seems to really affect the brain’s ability to function properly. We’ve had multiple farmers report that their cattle have had discolored secretions, loose stool, but the easiest symptom to identify is all the animals with the disease stare at the closest American flag while stomping their feet in unison,” said lead scientist Dr. Shelby Lee. “We are worried this could spread to human populations. Hulkamania was very prevalent in children in the 1980s, but the worst side effect was that people reported being nostalgic for watching wrestling with their dad. If this strain of Hulkamania spreads today we could see seemingly normal people declaring their love for Trump and tearing their shirts off to protest DEI measures.”

Cattle farmer Dale “Dutch” Savoy is very worried about the latest outbreak.

“Yep, my buddy over in Plano runs a farm and he says all his cows went bald right on the top of their head. It ain’t pretty what happens to these cows. Their muscles grow out of control, their skin turns a weird hot dog color, and I swear to you I’ve heard some of them say the N-word, yep,” said Savoy. “We had a pretty bad case of Hulkamania in the early 2000s. The pigs on the farm started growing dark black mustaches and acting real nasty towards authority. Not sure what that was all about, but I don’t want to go back to them times, yep.”

Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. says the general public has nothing to worry about.

“Transmission of Hulkamania from animals to humans is very rare and there are easy ways to prevent it. All you need to do is pull a stone off of the bottom of a lake and keep it in your mouth for five to six hours while sitting in direct sunlight, the disease can’t survive in those conditions,” said Kennedy while scraping an armadillo off the side of Interstate 45. “If that doesn’t work then all you need to do is put two pints of your blood into a bowl, mix it with yeast, bake it for 45 minutes at 350 degrees, then consume the sludge. You will be healthy as a horse.”

At press time, scientists worried the outbreak was spreading faster than anticipated after a herd of horny cows were seen outside Bubba the Love Sponge’s house.