Hard Digest March 22: Early Access Butthole Surfers, Cargo Shorts, and Democrats

Butthole Surfers Harassed by Territorial Surf Locals Trying to Keep Favorite Butt Breaks Secret

By Matt Husser

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — The Butthole Surfers were harassed today by territorial surf locals that were reportedly trying to keep their favorite butt breaks secret, confirmed sources who have been searching for the best buttocks-friendly waves for years.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the Butthole Boogie Boarders trying to bogart our bodacious butt breaks, well you boys better get back on whatever pussyhorse you rode in on because the Bay of Bungholes belongs to us and we don’t like outsiders,” said local surfer Kai Willows. “I know every baby-smooth swell like the back of my own ass, so if you get in our way the only thing you’ll be surfing is your adult diapers back at the old folks home.”

Butthole Surfers singer Gibby Haynes said the band was not intimidated by the surf gang.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re a first-time taint tickler or the baddest badonkadonk bomber this side of TaHeinie, everyone deserves a fair shot at parting these mighty waves for a little hang tenalingus,” said Haynes while demonstrating proper butthole surfing form. “We’ve been into rear-end watersports since these dingleberries were in pampers, and I know a posterior poser when I see one. Besides, you can’t own a fine fartbox beach like this any more than you can own an independent worm saloon.”

Local Mark Barker was reportedly so inspired by the band that he immediately grabbed his board and took up butthole surfing.

“Seeing those old guys stand up to those bullies gave me the courage I needed to buy a board, get out there on the waves, and grab the starfish by the chocolate,” said Barker. “Feeling that rusty dusty spray on my face, the calm before the mud flaps barrel over you—the pink eye is a small price to pay for the freedom to surf these bootylicious breaks.”

At press time, the Butthole Surfers reportedly called Pee Pee the Sailor for backup after the tushie turf war reached defcon fanny.

The Death Metal Fan’s Guide To Finding the Perfect Pair of Camo Cargo Shorts for Your Tinder Date

By Steve Packosky 

We all know dating sucks, but one of the Internet’s few redeeming qualities is its ability to match you with someone you have a better chance of connecting with than the old methods of singles bars and awkward setups from well-intentioned friends. Now, you can find someone with whom you share an attraction without even having to leave your home. What an age we live in!

Which brings us to the next step: you’ve matched with your dream girl on Tinder, and you two have bonded over your shared love of “Severance” and your frustration over the long wait for the next novel in Patrick Rothfuss’s “Kingkiller Chronicle.” She wants to meet up at a local bar, and you’d like to wow her with the perfect outfit. Up to now, she’s only seen selfies you’ve taken at work and one picture of you in a casual dress shirt at your grandmother’s birthday party. Rest assured that she’ll be blown away when she catches a glimpse of your casual wardrobe!

While musical tastes have not yet been broached in your dialog, your outspoken affinity for blast beats and death growls is about to become extremely apparent. Here are some tips to make sure you find the perfect pair of camo cargo shorts for your big date.

Color is key.
We know you love your traditional Army green shorts, but they’re bound to clash with whatever choice you make from your bountiful cache of black shirts. You’ll only get one first impression here, and you don’t want that to be of somebody who doesn’t know how to coordinate his ensemble. Go with the black camo Levi’s and tell those greenies not to feel bad, as you’ll be donning them with pride at next month’s Obituary show.

Excessive pockets are essential.
You’re a busy man of the 21st century, and she’ll appreciate that your attire reflects that. Not everybody has the ability to retrieve old, empty packs of Marlboro Reds and crumpled Target receipts from the sides of their legs, but that’s exactly it: you’re not just another guy. Additional storage around your lower extremities is something you can offer on top of an attentive ear and caring shoulder to cry on, and you want that to be obvious from the moment she sets eyes on you.

Don’t forget those strings at the bottom!
We’re not sure about you, but we don’t consider them cargo shorts unless they have strips of material randomly hanging out from the bottom and dangling around your ankles as you walk, and we can almost guarantee that your date will have an even more discerning eye than we do. You may be able to regale her with tales of the time Glenn Benton walked right past you after the Deicide show in Cleveland, but it’ll mean bupkis if your shorts aren’t reflective of your love for Floridian death metal. Let those bad boys hang!

Keep the fraying to a minimum.
Come on, this is a first date we’re talking about! Save the super frayed pair you wore to last week’s Defeated Sanity concert for the third or fourth date. We’re not suggesting something ridiculous like washing them, just that you wait until you know each other better before you bust them out. Plus, they still have that bloodstain on them from the wall of death, so you better make a mental note to lick your fingernail and try to scratch that out before she sees them.

Don’t forget the belt.
And we’re not talking about the good work belt you shelled out $14.99 for at Kohl’s either. That’s right; we of course mean the grey cloth one that came with the shorts you plan on wearing. Once she sees that those aforementioned strings hovering in front of your shins match the rope-like belt twisting over itself at your waist, she’ll fall head over heels. Trust us.

There you have it. If you adhere to these easy-to-follow guidelines, your days of being single will be drastically numbered. So match that perfect pair of cargos with your Gorgasm logo shirt (shelf the one with the artwork from “Lacerated Masturbation” for now) and get ready to change your relationship status on Facebook! Oh, and that Obituary show you’re going to next month? You’d better buy an extra ticket, if you catch our drift.

Democrats Will Continue Relentlessly Doing Nothing if You Just Pitch in $5

By Arielle Andreano

WASHINGTON – Top Democrats have revealed a groundbreaking plan to combat Trump’s fascist takeover, and, according to Chuck Schumer, it doesn’t take much and it’s already working.

“We are more dedicated than ever to the American people. We have always fiercely combated fascism. Remember that time I kneeled for 8 minutes and 46 seconds? That ended racism for Biden’s entire term. But it’s back now because of Trump. Along with all those other isms. Which is why we are rolling out a plan to relentlessly send out fundraising emails and nothing else. That’s our promise to the American people. You give us $5, we will never give up on doing nothing for you.”

A top political analyst who has been studying the Democratic Party for decades weighed in on the bold new strategy.

“Based on the plans I’ve seen, this really is a big deal and it’s going to create a lot of change. I mean, it’s a huge step up from their past policy of doing very little for $5. They used to occasionally pass legislation. To promise to continue relentlessly ask hardworking citizens for money while making absolutely no concrete promises in return is a bold new era.”

A few lucky citizens have already seen this plan coming to fruition. Lifelong Democrat, Terry Christopher, shared her experience.

“I’ve never seen promises fulfilled by politicians in this way. Usually it’s “I’ll do this, I’ll do that.” And then before we know it, none of those promises have been fulfilled. But these e-mails have been vaguer than ever in terms of their plan to do anything other than take money. I mean, I got the text, I pitched in $5, and they gave nothing their all. Just like they said. We really can trust them. I just know they’re going to keep doing it. Their dedication to the American people is unparalleled. They are working as hard as possible to do absolutely nothing at all.”

When asked if they had considered either doing anything or not taking money from hard working people, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer reminded reporters that responding to questions is a form of action before evaporating into a fine mist before reintegrating into their corporeal forms in their respective offices.