Hard Digest March 18: Early Access Tre Cool, Voices in Your Head, Time Capsules, and More

Gruesome Evidence Suggests Ancient Green Day Fans Boiled Prisoners Alive Inside Bronze Tré Cool

By Jonah Nink 

SAN FRANCISCO — Pop punk archaeologists uncovered shocking evidence that ancient Green Day fans boiled captives alive inside of hollow bronze statues of Tré Cool, East Bay sources reported.

“We discovered human remains and melted nose piercings inside of a bronze statue of Tré at our Pinole dig site,” said chief UC Berkeley Pop Punk Anthropologist Dr. Tara Hernandez. “Evidence suggests that prisoners, most likely Sum 41 and Good Charlotte fans captured in battle, were slowly roasted to death inside the heated statue. The internal acoustics of the bronze Tré were modified so the screams of those inside sounded like the opening lines of ‘Basket Case,’ and steam would vent out of the statue’s ass and make a ‘Kerplunk’ sound in reference to the album. Turns out, a lot of torture devices throughout human history have been inspired by famous drummers.”

The “Bronze Tré” had long been considered a myth by the Green Day community.

“I thought it was just a made up story meant to scare children, like how the band used to be just three guys or that the bassline from ‘Longview’ was used to conjure ancient spirits at local Berkeley cemeteries,” said Green Day fan Chris Kornall. “I can’t say I’m shocked since listening to any album the band has release in the last ten years is still a form of torture. Is choking to death while watching your skin bubble and crack like bacon really worse than listening to anything off of ‘Father of all Motherfuckers’? I’d rather be burnt alive than have someone pander to my nostalgia.”

Punk memorabilia enthusiast Fred Burns says he has a fully functional Cool statue built for his private collection.

“We got to test the replica on a My Chemical Romance fan on death row,” said Burns. “The guy actually exploded inside because of all the hairspray, but the device was designed to account for that. Those Ancient Green Day fans were some real sick bastards. The torture method was so widespread that the full title of the band’s 2000 album ‘Warning’ is actually ‘Warning: Criminals And Hertics Will Be Burned Inside Of The Bronze Snoo.’”

At press time, archaeologists confirmed that the remains of the great wooden Mike Dirnt were used by Green Day fans in the siege of ancient Albany.

Ten Out of Ten Voices in Your Head Agree That You Should Grab the Gun Out of This Cop’s Holster

By Ben Friedman 

With so many dubious reports and “studies” flooding our news channels and social media, it is damn near impossible to reach a consensus on anything. So when a fact-based, independent report comes out where all parties involved are in complete agreement, you’d better believe it demands attention. If this consensus is indeed true, it could be the most significant breakthrough in modern thought since Jean-Paul Sartre invented hipsters.

The experts have spoken: ten out of ten voices in your head unequivocally agree you should grab the gun out of this cop’s holster.

This is a significant breakthrough. Rather than being driven insane trying to fight the voices goading you into spontaneous outbursts in public, the scattered fragments of your broken psyche have all agreed the cop waiting in line ahead of you at the deli would be pleased as punch if you snatched the gun from his waist and started waving it around wildly.

This is a huge step up from the time only eight out of the ten voices told you to steal a security guard’s taser and zap yourself in the nuts because you needed to be punished. We’re talking light-years of progress.

The congregation of experts who’ve manifested within your consciousness unanimously agree that the feeling of cold steel in your hands will allow you to, if just for a fleeting moment, become God. Why even worry about the consequences? If you have their gun, you’ll be in charge, and you’ll make the laws, and they’ll be powerless to stop you. Granted, this study was conducted in an open-carry state, but it’s safe to assume everyone else in this establishment is also getting itchy the longer you ignore the voices.

Maybe there’s a reason thoughts like this keep intruding, and that reason is you should absolutely act on them, ever think about that?

Is it a felony? Likely, but it’s negligible. What really matters is that the endless din of chattering in your skull has become a chorus of voices telling you it would be hilarious to grab that cop’s gun while he’s distracted while ordering a sandwich, and that the cop and everyone else in line will find it equally hilarious.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t go to therapy or take your antipsychotic meds? If the voices are all on board about this (which they are because why would they lie to you), then you should probably follow their advice on stealing your sister’s credit card and buying 6,000 rats in order to turn them into your personal army.

DO IT! DO IT NOW! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!

Punk Time Capsule Just Filled With Drugs

By Jason VanSlycke

PORTLAND, Ore. — A time capsule that a local punk buried 25 years ago was recently unearthed and discovered to have been filled with nothing but drugs, confirmed highly intrigued sources.

“Typically, we honor time by celebrating a past that we find ourselves removed from,” said Mayor Walace Tracy. “Some time capsules remind us of technology we once depended on that is now laughably quaint like a Discman or a Tamagotchi. Other time capsules contain newspapers and magazines to remind us of pop culture trends of the past such as the Bill Clinton scandal or the Jonathan Taylor Thomas phenomenon. This time capsule is full of narcotics, methamphetamines, psychedelics, cannabis, and bath salts. Turns out, drugs never age. The same can’t be said about Beanie Babies and Spin Doctors CDs.”

One local punk was brave enough to come forward and claim the time capsule, which authorities returned assuming there’s no chance any of it was still psychoactive after being underground for more than two decades.

“Oh shit, is that where I put my stash? Can’t believe I buried it instead of those Pokémon cards, I must have been tripping so hard,” recalled Suzi Renita. “There’s, like, a whole sheet of acid in here. And a bag of shitty weed full of seeds. Remember when you’d buy weed and you had to spend an hour pulling out all the seeds? Wow, it really makes you think about how far we’ve come as a society. It also makes you wonder whether LSD and cocaine have expiration dates. Only one way to find out.”

Local sociologist Gemma Bobbie reflected on time capsules as a chance to reconnect with a past that may have fallen prey to our social amnesia.

“A few decades ago massive technological progress would happen once a generation, at best,” said Bobbie. “But with our current age of exponential advancements we find that, ugh, sorry, these shrooms taste like shit. Where was I? The myopia of our current news cycles has forced us to live in the present for so long that we find ourselves often forgetting that we even have a rich history filled with really potent illegal substances that often pair well with Alan Watts recordings. Either way, drugs belong circulating in your bloodstream, not a few feet underground.”

At press time, another time capsule buried by a gaggle of local goths was discovered to be a box full of random bones and a fully decomposed crow.

Kennedy Center Announces New All-White Production of Hamilton

BY Patrick OConnell 

WASHINGTON D.C. — Fans of musical theatre and historical hip-hop are rejoicing this week as the Kennedy Center announced that their upcoming production of Hamilton would feature an exclusively white cast based on meritocracy. 

“It’s something we’ve wanted to do for a long time, but the temperature of the room was never quite right for merit-based casting, if you catch my meaning,” said executive producer Jarold Stevens, appointed by Kennedy Center Chairman, Donald Trump, three days before the announcement. “The original show just reeked of reverse-racism to me. I argued with my teenage daughters for years that the original casting didn’t make sense because they looked nothing like the founding fathers. It was an obvious case of race-based casting. While dropping them off at their mom’s house, they said I ‘didn’t get it’ and accused me of reverse-reverse-racism, which is almost as bad as reverse-racism.”

“Luckily, our new chairman is much more open-minded about theatre,” he said, referring to Chairman Trump. “All I’m saying is if they can do The Wiz, then Hamilton with actors who look like the founding fathers should be fine too.”

When asked what he meant by ‘they’, Mr. Stevens refused to comment. Despite the controversies, an exciting star-studded cast list was announced earlier this week via TruthSocial.

“Once everyone sees the raw hip-hop talent we’ve pulled together, the audience won’t be able to tell the difference,” said casting director Bernice Claire. “We’ve got Kid Rock as Hamilton, Lil Dicky as Aaron Burr, the two remaining Beastie Boys somewhere in there, and then of course beloved olympic breakdancer, Raygun, as Elizabeth Schuyler. We’re so excited to finally see what a merit-based cast of Hamilton looks like.”

Outside of the theatre community, scholars have been celebrating this brave new depiction of America’s roots.

“Does Kid Rock look more like Alexander Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda? I mean, I guess,” said renowned American Revolution scholar, Dr. Charlene Seville of NYU. “If the only way you’re measuring ‘merit’ is by how much melanin they have, then sure, Kid Rock is more qualified to play Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda, but I’d hardly call that an endorsement.”

At press time, the president has declared any boycott of this show to be ‘illegal’ and threatens deportation to anyone not engaged in a 30-minute standing ovation.