Hard Digest March 2: Early Access Metalheads, Canada, and Democrats

Highly Recruited High School Metalhead Considering Offers From Multiple Local Pizza Shops

By The Hard Times Staff 

SAN ANTONIO — Local metalhead Spencer Leggieri is reportedly being scouted by multiple pizza shops across the city in hopes of securing his talent as a full-time employee after graduation, excited sources confirmed.

“The past few weeks have been overwhelming. Recruiters are calling me, sending me letters, and assistant managers are coming to my house to try to convince me to commit to working for them in the fall. And these aren’t just small pizza shops, we are talking big names like Tony’s, Tony’s II, Main Street Pies, and even St. Pizza,” said Leggieri. “The most important thing to me is the culture of the kitchen. I won’t be able to work in a place where people only play Slayer and Metallica. I need more than that, I need depth. I need to be surrounded by people who can make pizza while listening to metal that runs the gamut from Children of Bodom to Malevolent Creation. And this is the big leagues, I want them to show me obscure metal bands from the ‘80s that only released one demo tape before they all died driving drunk.”

Leggieri’s mother Aubrey is trying to gently push her son in the direction she sees as the most promising.

“I want the best for my son. He’s put in a lot of hard work growing out his hair, sprouting a terrible mustache, and layering his denim jacket with patches. And I hope he chooses Taste of Italy. His father worked there back in the ‘90s, and his brother worked there part-time. It’s our family legacy,” said Mrs. Leggieri. “Plus they have the best breadsticks out of everyone else in town. If Spencer is working there he will get to bring home some leftovers, and we get the friends and family discount. This is a life-changing opportunity and I’d hate to see him waste it.”

Retired pizza shop recruiter Dave “Grimey” Burdette warns that this decision should not be taken lightly.

“I’ve seen so many promising young pizza makers get a taste of the big time and burnout. There is so much more to the job than talking shit about every customer with your co-workers and getting so drunk after your shift you need your stomach pumped,” said Burdette. “These guys tend to forget it’s actually about the pizza. It’s about making a pie so good that most normal people will overlook how filthy the place is because they know the pizza is better than anything else in town.”

At press time, Leggieri was considering taking a gap year to study thrash history in the Bay Area.

Opinion: Maybe Annexing Canada Wouldn’t Be So Bad if It Means We Don’t Have To Hear Both National Anthems at NHL Games

By Stephen Bell

Look, everyone keeps talking about what a stupid idea it would be if the United States were to annex Canada and make it the 51st state. Something something this would cause a massive war and many deaths, something something fascist regime blah blah blah. And look I get that this whole thing sounds scary, but no one talks about the potential positives. Namely that when Canadian and American NHL teams play each other we would no longer have to listen to both national anthems before the game.

I think we’ve all been in that situation in which you come to watch your favorite hockey team filled with Russian and Czech players who are playing for the glory of Columbus, Ohio and you sit down ready to start the game but then you remember that you have to hear a song glorifying America’s loss in the War of 1812. It’s boring and it’s just a cynical ploy to recruit more soldiers into the military. But then that dreadful moment hits you and you realize you’re playing against Winnipeg and bam! Suddenly a rendition of O Canada comes out over the speakers and you’re just so bored that you wish you hadn’t come at all.

If we annex Canada then this situation would never have to happen again. Instead of having to listen to some song about how cool beavers and maple syrup are, you still only have to listen to that one shitty song. Except now it would be a reminder about revenge against Canada for that time they burned the White House. Really rub it in the faces of those people whom we just liberated by annexing their entire nation.

Finally, I should point out that a Canadian team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup since 1993. If the ghost of Lord Frederick Stanley who resides in his cup didn’t want Canada to be part of the United States, then he would’ve used his supernatural powers to make a Canadian team win. No, I think this Canada annexation plan is exactly what he would have wanted.

Democrats Give Book of the Year Award to “The Let Them Theory”

By Miriam Jayaratna

WASHINGTON — The Democratic Party announced their plans to respond to recent political upheaval by awarding the Book of the Year prize to bestselling pop-psychology book “The Let Them Theory,” which prioritizes self-care over conflict, sources confirmed while rubbing their temples.

“‘The Let Them Theory’ united us around the idea that there are many situations that the Democratic Party simply cannot control, and chief among them is the fate of the country,” said New York Senator Chuck Schumer. “If we tried to stop the Republicans, it would show them that we care, which is tantamount to giving away our power. At the end of the day, and possibly at the end of democracy, playing hardball is not a productive use of our energy. In fact, to cope with the ultimate demise of democracy, we recommend everyone read ‘The Art of Letting Go.’”

Mel Robbins, who wrote “The Let Them Theory” by lifting its major tenets from a poem written by Cassie Phillips, felt honored that her message had reached Capitol Hill.

“The elected and unelected leaders of this country are absolutely toxic, and as I write in my book, toxic people don’t change,” Robbins explained. “The healthiest thing the Democrats can do to respond to this illegal power grab is draw boundaries, disengage, and protect themselves — and their seats in congress. The worst thing you can do for your mental health is fight fascism for your constituents.”

While the book may be all the rage in the current moment, it’s far from a new idea, according to World War II scholar Gila Pfefferman, PhD.

“Many elected officials throughout history have decided to ‘let them,’ such as the Vichy government in France,” said Pfefferman. “They made the decision to work with the Nazis instead of getting their hands dirty and mounting a resistance, and we’re seeing Democrats practicing the same kind of radical acceptance now. Let’s be real, if ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ doesn’t make their way onto their bookshelves some time soon, they may never hold power again.”

At press time, the Trump administration was hard at work reestablishing diplomatic relations with Russia, while the Democrats were reaching across the aisle to hand copies of “The Let Them Theory” to their Republican colleagues.