Hard Digest February 27: Early Access One Hit Wonders, Sapiosexual, Wet Food, and More

“One-Hit Wonder” Artist Sorry They Only Produced One Timeless Masterpiece Everyone Loves

By Matt Husser 

NEW YORK — Local one-hit wonder band Owl Tempest reportedly apologized today for failing their fans after only being able to produce one timeless masterpiece everyone adores, sources confirmed.

“When we wrote our hit song ‘Free Falling on a Broken Wing,’ we were just four kids in a garage pouring our hearts into our music, and through some miracle it resonated with complete strangers so much that it became the soundtrack to countless weddings, graduations, and first kisses. But then I’m ashamed to admit that it just never occurred to us to write a second global mega-hit that still gets airplay 30 years later, so for that I’d just like to say—our bad,” said Owl Tempest vocalist Brad Penny. “If there’s a silver lining to our monumental failure as artists it’s that our song at least inspired 30 seconds of fodder for Hal Sparks to riff on during VH1’s ‘I Love the ‘90s.’”

Owl Tempest fan Clark McEnroe long resented the band’s inability to make a second worldwide chart-topping hit appear out of thin air.

“I loved ‘Broken Wing,’ but I just never understood why making a second crossover hit that appealed to several key demographics, garnered broad critical acclaim, and presented a worthwhile investment opportunity to major labels so they’d push it on radio and MTV was so hard,” said McEnroe, looking at his old Owl Tempest CD. “Probably because they wasted so much time on the other songs instead of writing another all-time great. I mean who even listens to the ninth song on an album?”

Longtime music executive Tomasz Klein shared his frustration that so many one-hit wonders failed to produce a second crowd-puller that he could bleed money from.

“How hard can it possibly be for these ‘one and done’ artists to write a second global sensation? Biz Markie was just happy to stay in the friend zone? Never occurred to Nena to write about 100 luftballons? Doris Troy couldn’t take just one more look? Even Eiffel 65’s blue alien shit out a second single that charted,” said Klein, throwing darts at a “Bittersweet Symphony” vinyl. “They could learn a thing or two from the Red Hot Chili Peppers—give California a shoutout, scat some gibberish that sounds like a slurring Australian stroke victim and voila! Top of the charts for decades.”

Seizing on the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ formula, Chumbawamba announced plans to return to the top of the charts with their new California-inspired song “Malibubthumping.”

Sapiosexual? My Partner Owns A New Yorker Tote

By Josh Baumgart

Look at me, I’ve matured. It’s not all about hair, or style, or talent, for me anymore. What really gets me hot and bothered these days is intellect. All my partner needs to do to get me in the mood is plop down her New Yorker tote on our credenza and it’s game time. She doesn’t even need to tell me about the books she just checked out of the library, the tote is enough for me.

You see, I’m something of an academic. I’m out here at this farmers market, putting heirloom tomatoes in her tote, desperately trying to conceal my erection, and people are seeing us and thinking “This a man who respects a woman’s intellect. She probably makes more than him. But not in a sad ‘he hasn’t got back on his feet and owns a gaming chair’ way.” Like a “She just makes more than him, what of it?” way. I guess I’m just a little deeper than the average guy.

I saw the signs of my atypical sexuality early on. It just didn’t feel right I clicked the “straight” category on Hinge, when I always order oat milk and I drive a Subaru. One day, I finally realized I had only been attracted to people based on their Letterboxd Top 4 and their proximity to my apartment. I knew I was different; more interesting; more mysterious. Finally, now that there’s a word for people like me, I don’t have to hide who am.

When you’re not a shallow person, like me, people notice. I’m seen as a person with an advanced sense of humor. I’m someone who understands Shouts and Murmurs, but smart enough to not actually laugh audibly at something. What I do instead is say ‘that’s funny’ out loud.

If there’s anything I love more than promotional merch, it’s promotional merch that makes people think I’m dating a doctor, or maybe a teacher, or maybe even a student. Someone who reads. Or at least, someone who aspires to read. People who know what “speculative fiction” means and don’t and steal olives from Whole Foods by putting them in their cargo shorts and praying the person at self-checkout doesn’t notice how wet their shorts are.

I’m a guy who dates someone who believes in print media. Me, a renaissance man, a bibliophile if you will, a true sapiosexual.

Punk Treats Self to Wet Food

By Tim Graham 

HAMTRAMCK, Mich. — Local dumpster diver Kev Grubbs treated himself to some wet food that was beyond his typical dry diet, according to sources at Dollar General.

“I recently had a bit of a windfall while scrapping aluminum and decided to treat myself to something special,” said Grubbs as he pulled the lid off a can of chili. “I tend to get all of my food from dumpsters and it’s usually on the dry side. The bakery down the street tosses tons of bagels, but I rarely find any cream cheese so I just have to raw dog bread. I like to think of myself as a very good boy, if not the goodest of boys, so I figured I deserved some fancy wet stuff, like this one can here that contains salmon and chicken filets in gravy from some brand named Purina. Incredibly satisfying.”

Housemate Erin Stamp says the excitement among the other residents of their punk house was palpable when Grubbs brought home the canned goods.

“Kev came in the door like Santa Claus carrying a big bag of moist goods,” said Stamp while devouring some SpaghettiOs. “As soon as he punctured a can with the opener, everyone in the house came running. We all queued up in the kitchen as he passed out the food. I got a tin of sardines, which is considered a delicacy in some parts of the world—or at least in our house. Kev was kind to share but he can also be kind of a dick. He actually made one of our housemates balance a cocktail frank on his nose for thirty seconds until he said ‘okay!’ and let him eat it.”

A balanced diet including both wet and dry food can be important for overall health, according to Dr. Wendy Scofield.

“While a consistent diet is ideal, it’s not a good idea for it to be restricted to a single type of food,” said Dr. Scofield. “If a diet mostly consists solely of dry food, I recommend incorporating more saturated nourishment on occasion to add a variety of nutrients and vitamins that the dry stuff may lack. Additionally, introducing wet food can help with hydration, gut health and encourage a shiny, healthy coat. Wait, I’m talking about dogs—what are you talking about? You do know I’m a veterinarian, right?”

At press time, Grubbs’ mother texted her son, telling him to stay out of dumpsters and just come home to eat a decent meal if he’s hungry.

How to Unlock Luigi through Jury Nullification

BY Ted Kindig 

From his playable debut in Super Mario Bros. 2, through his surprise cameo in the original Super Smash Bros. all the the way out to the distant planetoids of Super Mario Galaxy, longtime Nintendo fans know that Luigi always seems to leap just a little bit further than everybody else — that’s why he’s such a fun character to unlock!

In his latest adventure, you encounter Luigi in an even spookier setup than one of his eponymously ectoplasmic mansions: this time, he’s on trial for a very serious legal crime — mama mia!

Lucky for dedicated Luigi fans, they can unlock him if two simple conditions are met: a defendant cannot be re-tried for the same charge once acquitted, and jurors have final say over their verdicts and can’t be punished for issuing an “incorrect” one — even if, hypothetically, they privately decided to free someone for moral, political, or philosophical reasons other than the reasons prescribed by law.

As longtime Nintendo fans like to say, “Now You’re Playing with POWER!”™

Preparation:

One thing to keep in mind: the “jury nullification” method for unlocking characters is controversial, with some arguing that it should be considered an illegal exploit or cheat — as always, be sure to consult the Nintendo Software End User License Agreement before making any moral decisions.

At the same time: a whole lot of human choices go into creating a virtual world, and it’s not like Luigi is in this game by accident. Intentional mechanic, unintentional glitch, or sneaky little Easter egg from Mr. Miyamoto himself, it’s ultimately the players’ choice whether Luigi gets unlocked, or whether he gets executed by the state.

Another thing to keep in mind: this guide is explicitly intended for whimsical, fictional Nintendo adventures, and bares no specific relation to any legal proceedings other than the colorful case of Wario v. The Second Mario Bro. in the kooky Court of King Koopa, with the dishonorable Judge Bowser Jr. presiding — our whole angle here is just that Nintendo likes lawsuits and legal stuff; anything else is purely coincidental.

Walkthrough:

While jury nullification is an ethically and philosophically complex topic, it’s extremely simple in practice:

Step 1: The player chooses “not guilty.”

And just like that, Luigi is unlocked! The rest of the game is up to you.

Throughout history, the jury nullification bug has been used by abolitionists to acquit people that assisted escaping slaves, by opponents of prohibition to effectively nullify alcohol and marijuana laws they disagreed with, and in countless other small victories for common moral intuition between neighbors over centuries. On the other hand, there’s good reason to be cautious of the tactic’s power: forms of jury nullification have also been abused as a tool of oppression, as in the notorious misconduct of all-white juries during the Jim Crow era, or in reflexive deference to law enforcement even in the case of extreme civil rights violations — the parallels to Nintendo Switch Online regrettably continue.

As wise old Grandpa Toad says in the Valley of Sleepy Toadstools, “the power of kings and magistrates is nothing else, but what is only derivative, transferred and committed to them in trust from the people, to the common good of them all, in whom the power yet remains fundamentally, and cannot be taken from them, without a violation of their natural birthright.”

Grandpa Toad is quoting John Milton there. Good luck, Nintendo fans, and power up!

We Spoil the Endings of 10 Games in This Article and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It

BY Steve Packosky

You’ve been getting pretty smug with our articles, haven’t you? Reading them at whim without a care in the world, complacent in the assumed knowledge that clicking on one can’t possibly backfire in any way. Well, that ends now. The days of worry-free scrolling through this site are officially over, pal. Time to pay the piper.

As such, here is a list of endings to 10 different games, and if you don’t like it, tough. There’s nothing you can do about it, so sit back and cross your little fingers that we don’t spoil one you haven’t played yet. Maybe you’ll get lucky, but then again, maybe you won’t. There’s only one way to find out.

Jet Grind Radio (2000. Dreamcast)

You might remember this cute and catchy little cel-shaded romp from the early 2000s, but did you know that the “Devil’s Contract,” the mysterious vinyl said to possess the ability to raise a demon, is actually just an old record with no supernatural capabilities? Did you also know that Goji, the demented CEO you face in the final battle, is just crazy and never actually posed a real Stygian threat to the people of Tokyo-to? Well, you do now! Could’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble with those sick inline-skating tricks and works of street art. Honestly, if we just spoiled it for you, good. We did you a favor. You’re welcome.

Inside (2016. Various Platforms)

This mysterious platformer ends with the anonymous child protagonist coming across, and conjoining himself to, the Huddle, which is a seething mass of groaning human bodies. After a destructive tear through a scientific facility which kills numerous people, the Huddle escapes the confines of its prior captivity and comes to rest on a grassy hillside. While the meaning of this ending is cryptic and open to interpretation, one thing is crystal clear: we’re going to keep on spoiling games in this article, and your chances of stopping us are at absolute zero. Shall we continue?

Beethoven: The Ultimate Canine Caper (1993. SNES)

The premise of this game is pretty cut and dry: Beethoven and Missy have four puppies that have gone missing, and your job as Beethoven is to find the puppies and bring them back to Missy. And guess what happens: all parties involved enjoy a happy ending as the four puppies are returned to their mother, with an accompanying screen reading “Hooray! You saved the puppies.” The self-pity you’re likely experiencing as the result of having this game spoiled contrasts sharply with the joy of these adorable St. Bernards, but here’s some breaking news: that’s life. We’re sick of coddling our readers. On to the next one.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (2006. Wii)

Let’s cut right to the chase here: Link kills Ganondorf with the Master Sword and Midna returns to her home in the Twilight World. How do you like that? God, the impotent rage coursing through your veins must be building with each new ending we spoil for you. While it’s true that we’re doing this as a way of putting our collective foot down, we’d be lying if we said we weren’t deriving some amount of sick pleasure from it. We’d increase the article to 20 games had we not already cleared this with our editors. Consider yourself fortunate.

NFL Fever 2003 (2002. Xbox)

If you’re expecting an endless stream of adulation coated in confetti and champagne after winning the Super Bowl, think again. Your season’s worth of exhausting effort will be met with an announcement of the game ball winner and a highlight reel brought to you by Pepsi. That’s it, bud. Thanks for competing. This may be a spoiled ending, but it’s the one you deserve. You’re not entitled to post-Super Bowl victory fanfare any more than you’re entitled to spoiler-free games journalism, and how dare you think otherwise.

Elden Ring (2022. Various Platforms)

Oh, what’s the matter, you didn’t want to know that the Tarnished claim the Elden Lord title and usher in one of several new ages depending on the alliance chosen by the player? Well, we didn’t want to know that our readers were a bunch of whiny crybabies, so it seems like nobody’s happy here. Guess we’ll just trudge along and keep spoiling these video games for you.

Super Mario Bros. 2 (1988. NES)

Mario defeats the evil frog Wart in the land of Subcon, then wakes up and isn’t sure whether the entire game had been a dream. He then goes back to sleep, which is what we’re sure you’d love to do right about now, but too bad. You’re in this one for the long haul, buttercup, and you’re not heading off to the Land of Nod until three more games have been spoiled for you, so buckle up and get yourself good and ready for the next one.

Duke Nukem 64 (1997. Nintendo 64)

Duke battles and defeats the Cycloid Emperor, which is the leader of the alien race that menaces the dystopian Los Angeles setting throughout the game, after which he retires to bed with a total babe, in true Duke Nukem fashion. We know his character is pretty problematic and oftentimes downright stupid, but there may be something worth emulating in his frank and unforgiving attitude. We were starting to feel sorry for you having all these endings spoiled, but that’s all changed now. Time for us to hunker down and put you through your paces for these last two.

Green Day: Rock Band (2010. Various Platforms)

Completing the career mode in this game is rewarded with a live video of Green Day wishing goodbye to their fans at one of their concerts before playing the song “She”. You know what? We started spoiling these games under the vague pretenses of this being some sort of haughty new stance we were taking, but to be completely honest, we’re doing it simply because we can. The ability to do something like this has completely gone to our heads, and if you don’t like it, you’re more than welcome to start your own website. It’ll only be a matter of time before you do the same thing yourself. We all know absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Phantasy Star IV: The End of the Millennium (1993. Sega Genesis)

If you were worried whether Chaz and his friends would be able to enter the dimension of the Profound Darkness and destroy it before it can effectively destroy the entire galaxy, rest assured! They take care of the threat without issue! We bet you’re wishing you could do the same thing and eliminate a certain pesky source of video game news from your life, but you can’t. We’re here to stay, and who knows? Maybe we’ll make this a weekly column just to make you suffer. Looks like you’ll have to wait and see.