Hard Digest February 10: Chappell Roan, Early Access Lars Ulrich, Rodney Mullen, Reddit Comments, and More

Chappell Roan Wakes up With Pink Pony Head in Bed After Criticizing Record Industry

By Tom Scarcella

LOS ANGELES — Popstar Chappell Roan woke up to discover the severed and pink-painted head of a pony in her bed yesterday, seemingly a threatening response to her Grammys speech criticizing the record industry, sources confirmed.

“There I was, sleeping soundly, and I woke up like, ‘Bitch, what the fuck is this?!’ At first I thought it was a prop from a music video, then I saw the blood and realized this was a message from record industry scumbags who refuse to treat their artists with any respect,” Roan said of the super graphic scene. “The most frustrating part was how sloppy it was. You can tell whoever did this wasn’t an artist. They are just some buffoon who has failed upwards into a position where they intimidate gorgeous young women into staying silent. If you gave me a hot glue gun and some drugstore makeup, I could have a severed pony head looking fucking fabulous.”

Police apprehended suspect Jeff Rabano, an affiliate of the Grambino crime syndicate, which allegedly does dirty work for the Recording Industry Association of America.

“Listen pal, I was just following orders. They tell me they need something taken care of, then boom, I go hack the head off a small horse, spray paint it in my garage, and drop it in a young lady’s bed. It’s nothing personal, I actually really like Chappell Roan’s music,” the wiseguy said while trying to wash the pink paint from his hands. “We in the organized crime community feel she’s really given our people a voice. ‘My Kink Is Karma’ is our new anthem for vengeance whacks, ‘Hot to Go’ goes great with arson, and we always play ‘Pink Pony Club’ on our way to the races. Although I can’t really look at horses anymore after all this.”

This disturbing incident follows a long history of music industry giants being suspected of quashing dissent through illicit means, according to music historian Heather Li.

“It’s nearly impossible to prove these connections in a court of law, because big corporations are the real Teflon Dons. But the patterns are startling,” Li said. “Just look at Pearl Jam. Right after they criticized Ticketmaster in the ‘90s, dozens of Seattle’s flannel clothing stores were mysteriously bombed. Those bastards, the Big Three record labels, and Spotify are basically the Five Families.”

At press time, Roan posted a TikTok showing the words “DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK, BABE!” written in lipstick on her bathroom mirror.

Pull String on Talking Lars Ulrich Doll Roughly 7 Miles Long

By Chris Bowen

SAN FRANCISCO — Super7, the popular toy company known for its niche collectables, released a new talking Lars Ulrich doll that comes equipped with a pull string that is just shy of seven miles, confirmed sources who had to take off work in order to listen to the whole thing.

“After you open the package, you just have to spend a few short hours untangling the pull string before you can play with it,” metal fan Paul Andres said. “Sure, we had to have someone three towns over pull the string on the goddamn doll, but that just means you get to hear it say ‘ummm’ probably 4,000 times. It’s been going on for three days now. Three days! However, I thought the doll’s two-hour monologue defending the snare drum sound on ‘St. Anger’ was quite compelling, even though I fell asleep a few times. I’ll be damned if I let Lars ruin my circadian rhythm.”

Super7 representative Chase Fienold couldn’t be more excited for the doll’s release.

“We at Super7 are committed to the authenticity of our products, no matter how many times consumers have called them ‘useless’ in their online reviews,” Fienold explained enthusiastically. “That’s why we were dead set on creating the ultimate collectible. And with that, we created a talking doll that will never, ever shut the fuck up. We actually just asked Lars to record a few brief catchphrases, but let’s just say he’s not a fan of brevity. As of right now, we’re sitting on a warehouse full of 20,000 of these things, but we think it’ll take off once the Metallica-based gag-gift market upticks.”

Ulrich was honored to have the opportunity to lend his voice for the doll.

“Ummmm, yeah we were in the studio every day for about six months straight, and I’m super impressed with how it turned out,” Ulrich said while turning blue from not taking a breath in several minutes. “It was fun to record, just as much fun as being able to use a private jet to fly back home the night of a show no matter where we’re playing. People can pick on my drumming all they want, but I burn as much money in fuel in one night as they make in a year, so suck shit, ‘it should have been Lars’ people.”

At press time, Super7 announced their limited edition “Disgruntled Dave Mustaine” talking doll that is permanently frowning.

Help! I Met Rodney Mullen at the Grocery Store, and He Proceeded To Show Me Every Trick He’s Ever Invented Unprompted and He’s Still Going

By Sidney Conant 

Imagine my surprise when what started off as a run-of-the-mill midnight ride to my local Food 4 Less became a demonstration in shredding following a chance encounter with freestyle skateboarding legend Rodney Mullen!

I’ve been a disciple of this man and the embarrassment of riches that is his catalog ever since I was old enough to yoink my brother’s copy of his magnum opus: Rodney Mullen vs. Daewon Song: Round 1 (sorry Round 2 fans). So when he spotted me with my board and my old World Industries hoodie in the ice cream aisle and unpromptedly began showing off every trick he’s ever invented, I thought this was the best day of my life! But is there something up with this guy? Because it’s been like three hours and he’s still going.

I mean, I don’t want to sound like I’m ungrateful or anything. Following him out to the parking lot so he could perform a dozen kickflip underflips to some has-been with almost seven uncracked teeth has been a dream come true. And man can he explain things in a way that even this loser that used to collect concussions can understand, even if it does make me feel all inadequate both physically and uh…with the word stuff… Talkily? But I’ve got things to do, and I can’t for the life of me figure out a graceful way to tell Rodney I’ve seen enough.

And don’t get me wrong—I realize how lucky I am to witness this. Rodney’s impact on the sport of street skating will forever be felt in the hearts of pros worldwide, and in the brittle, pathetic ankles of amateurs like me that just couldn’t seem to land a 50-50 sidewinder back in 2003. But come on Rod, you’ve got, what, thirty tricks to your name? Not saying those are amateur numbers by any means, but it’s 5:28 in the morning and there’s no way it should be taking this long.

Is this the same kind of OCD I had playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 where every trick I attempted needed to be perfect otherwise it didn’t count and no one would love me anymore? Because I promise the stunts you’re pulling are top-of-the-line, and you can stop at literally any point and we can both go home.

I think it’s around 2:00 in the afternoon now, and this man is in his own little world with his own little tech deck toys that he pulled out a few hours ago. I have never once seen anybody make them look cool, but Rodney’s spent the last 45 minutes performing handstands on them somehow and maybe they kick a little more ass than I thought they did. Or maybe I’m just delirious at this point. Doesn’t he have a wife that’s worried about where he is? I’d ask him myself but I don’t think he’s heard my voice since the sun came up.

I bet this wouldn’t have happened if I was smart and wore my Thrasher shirt like every other poser I know.

Ailing Man Dies Despite Several “You Got This” Reddit Comments

By Tim Graham 

KOKOMO, Ind. — Local man Andrew Stoltz succumbed to an illness even though he received multiple positive reassurances online, according to users of the fantasy football subreddit he frequented.

“We’re all shocked that Andrew’s gone, because he had such a positive attitude,” said Stoltz’ friend Bruce Bolinder. “His optimism was bolstered by all the nice comments he got on Reddit when he revealed he was sick. They told him, ‘You got this!’ and he took that to heart. Unfortunately, the universe or God or whatever had other plans in store for him. Sadly, it turned out those internet strangers weren’t quite right—he didn’t actually ‘have this.’ I’ve taken it upon myself to go back and reply to each of those well-wishers with the sad news.”

Stoltz’ doctor had tried to warn his patient that while receiving online niceties can be comforting, it’s no substitute for traditional medicine.

“Everyone likes to be told that everything’s going to be okay,” said Dr. Emil Dahl. “And the people posting these ultimately worthless comments get to feel like they did something good for a stranger. Ordinarily, such platitudes are innocuous, but it becomes dangerous when people like Mr. Stoltz put too much faith in the power of internet comments. He was so encouraged by his anonymous online supporters that he cavalierly decided to forego my attempts at treatment, feeling it was unnecessary. The last time he left my office, he simply said, ‘Thanks, doc, but I got this’ while giving me double-finger cannons.”

Dr. Sarah Hemphill of Johns Hopkins University recently led a study which tested the effect of comments on illnesses.

“Two experiment groups received positive or negative comments from unknown commenters,” explained Dr. Hemphill. “The group which only got positive comments fared the same or worse as the control group, showing that positive comments from strangers have little importance. Surprisingly, the group that received negative comments had a better prognosis. We attributed this to what we call the ‘Fuck You’ factor, where a person’s immune system will sometimes kick into overdrive when there is an incentive to survive long enough to seek vengeance on your tormentors.”

At press time, many users of /r/fantasyfootball responded to Bolinder’s announcement of Stoltz’ passing with a response of “sorry for your loss” which surprisingly didn’t make him feel any better about the death of his friend.

More From The Hard Times:

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Judge Asks Defendant to Stop Calling the Jury ‘Chat’

BY Garrison DeSieno 

TACOMA, Wash. — A local judge has repeatedly reprimanded a Twitch streamer charged with defamation for referring to the jury as, “chat,” sources outside the courthouse confirm.

“Look at this clip, chat,” said Todd Gardner, who is being sued for making spurious claims about competing speedrunners. “There’s no shot this dude can whistle sprint out of the Shrine of Awakening that fast! It took me 100 hours to perfect that out of bounds clip. And as you know, truth is an iron-clad defense against claims of defamation. Thanks for the bits. Sorry, force of habit.”

The plaintiffs in the case attest that Gardner used his large sub count and influence to defame all other top 10 Breath of the Wild Any% speedrunners, directly resulting in official reviews from speedrun.com and removal from upcoming Games Done Quick lineups. 

“He told his mods to time out anyone who mentioned other runners because it was messing with his flow,” said Jaylen Graham, who competes in the same category as Gardner. “It’s just like how he keeps trying to get the bailiff to ‘kick’ any of my co-plaintiffs and I whenever we take the stand to testify against him. Yeah, when he refers to the ‘mod,’ he’s talking about the bailiff.”

After several similar outbursts, Gardner was held in contempt of court.

“You have blatantly disrespected both myself, my bailiff, and this jury with your failure to abide by the rules of this court,” said Judge Sandra Cooper. “It’s not just that you can’t string two sentences together without pausing to shout out gift subs. It’s not even that you asked to run a poll to audit the jury’s reaction in real time. No, the final straw was after I reprimanded you, and you told the bailiff to ‘ban’ me. Your Gen Z vernacular, after being explained to me by my niece, is completely out of line!”

At press time, Todd Gardner has been sentenced to a six month ban from Twitch along with the repayment of every gift sub he had received during his latest 48 hour stream. His 9th place BOTW Any% run has also been scrubbed from the leaderboards.