Hard Digest January 25: Early Access Rush, Dry January, Militias, and More

High School Rush Fan Spends Seven Minutes in Heaven Making Pretty Girl Listen to “Working Man”

By Ryan Werner 

ST. LOUIS — Local Rush fan and high school senior Micah Kirby spent the entirety of the make out game Seven Minutes in Heaven playing “Working Man” by Canadian prog rock trio Rush to his fellow classmate Kaylee White, confirmed sources.

“I’m not sure the exact rules of the game, but there’s nothing more heavenly than the sound of Geddy Lee’s voice for seven consecutive minutes,” said Kirby. “Time sure flies by when you’re listening to a Rush song, so it’s hard to balance that feeling with really wanting the other person to savor the instrumental competence, creative structure, and sly breakdown of capitalism. I just wish there was more time for Kaylee to hear something longer and more expansive from their catalog, but I guess that’s just not how the game works. Anyway, I just hope we get another turn. Next time I’m playing her the three and half minute-long ‘Fly By Night.’ Twice.”

White was not terribly impressed with the experience.

“It wasn’t until minute five of the same exact song that I realized that we were not going to be making out in this closet whatsoever,” said White. “He’s not a bad looking guy. Actually, I always thought he was kind of cute. The only other time I’d talked to him before was when I was wearing a kimono and he came up and told me about something called 2112. There were priests? And a kid finding a guitar in some rubble? He went on for a while, just like at the party. I don’t know, I thought I looked pretty good that night. He didn’t even try to kiss me — he just told me that we’re going to make this count, played some song, and then closed his eyes while we listened to it. I thought about kissing him, but I don’t even think he remembered I was there.”

Young adult psychologist Dr. Josephine Wilson believed there was a deeper meaning.

“Certain young men get so attached to the minutiae of their interests that they forget about the human aspects that lend meaning to those interests as well as when it’s time to shut up and make out already,” said Dr. Wilson. “In this case, Rush is standing in for person-to-person connection. Micah thinks he’s relating to people through his fandom, but it’s having the opposite effect. He’s alienating because he can’t stop talking about the bass shredding long enough to ask someone how they’re doing. Kissing a girl? Completely out of the question. Also, he picked ‘Working Man’? Kind of a poser choice, honestly.”

As of press time, Kirby played the Rush song “Limelight” to a girl in lieu of kissing her during a game of spin the bottle.

Why People Are Ditching Dry January for “Just Do Different Drugs Month”

By Matt McInerney 

As millions of Americans are committing to a “Dry January” in earnest, millions more are realizing, “Hey, wait, what the fuck, I committed to being sober the entire month and my friend Bobby is just doing different drugs instead. Do I still have to do this?”

This recent backlash has led to protests and forced many to finally admit that, sure, they weren’t really planning to stop doing all of the drugs, they just weren’t going to drink IPAs for a month but still drink those THC seltzers you can finally get at the liquor store instead of having to cross state lines to that town that people only go to for the dispensary that looks kind of like a Forever 21 inside but smells better.

As we tried to learn more about this movement, we took to the streets to ask people why they were doing it. We couldn’t find anyone willing to talk to us, so we asked people back home instead.

The Hard Times: Lex, why are you doing this?

Honestly, I was just doing it to prove that I’m better than Sarah. She gave up mid-month, and I beat her by a day, so now I’m doing ‘Different Drugs Month’ too. Well, she doesn’t know that, so I’ll keep rubbing it in until she finds out.

Hey Bobby, we couldn’t find anyone else to ask about this. So what’s going on?

I was telling people I was doing Dry January. But I didn’t drink much anyway, and I was planning to smoke the same amount of weed. Maybe also try mushrooms. A few friends got upset when they found out, so I told them I was trying a new thing instead. That’s why I made up ‘Different Drugs Month.’

Learning that Bobby just casually made the whole thing up to cover his tracks was a pretty big blow to our own commitment to Dry January. But after thinking about it more, it just proves we’re better than everyone else. So if we’re the only ones actually doing this—and already so much better than everyone we know—it’s cool if we have like, A beer to celebrate, no?

Cop Infiltrating Far-Right Militia Just Happy to See Colleagues Outside Work

By Alex Vlahov 

AKRON, Ohio — Officer Brian McCarthur of the Akron Police Department shared his delight at seeing work friends while infiltrating local far-right militia, the Sons of 1776, confirmed sources.

“Domestic terrorism is no joke, but there’s nothing like a beer with your work bro,” shared Officer McCarthur from an Elk’s Lodge while deep undercover. “The disguise is a formality, they all know it’s me, old Bri-Bri. This is the chillest assignment ever, it’s like work but without any bullshit oversight. No one monitoring our comms, no civilian complaints. Hell, half our lieutenants organize night patrols. My old partner Ryan is putting together a chapter, might have to ‘infiltrate’ him sometime. My boy Kev made sergeant last year so I never get to see him at work anymore, but in here, I get to bro-out with Kev every night. And Kev is hilarious. He records Rogan for our patriot brothers that don’t know how to work podcasts. Heart of gold.”

Akron PD Chief Jim Fairbanks discussed the seeming contradictions of the assignment.

“We take threats to politicians and public spaces seriously, but sometimes ya gotta let boys be boys,” shared Chief Fairbanks from a crowded Jimmy John’s. “Everyone needs to let off a little steam after work. Let ‘em scrap it up a bit, holler, let the fur fly. Can’t let things get outta hand, though: that’s the balance. Don’t have the funds to replace civic structures, should our boys cause a ruckus. Still, didn’t America start with a revolution? I’m sure the whole idea was thought up by the Founding Fathers, all drinking ales together after a long day’s work.”

Johns Hopkins political analyst Maria Holdecott insists this is nothing new.

“We even see judges leading extremist brigades,” said Holdecott from her Baltimore office. “It’s a social club for lonely men harboring antisocial attitudes towards minorities or leftists, but with a penchant for dumb pranks. A lot of these guys grew up on ‘Jackass,’ which explains the showboating. Note the recidivist loop here: We see non-radical members edged out by violence subsequently join their local police force, only to re-enter the militia as a seasoned inductee. The snake from the ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ flag has become the Ouroboros eating itself: Desperate. Illiterate. Horny. Alone.”

At press time, Officer McCarthur barely contained excitement over his next assignment to infiltrate a human trafficking ring by grabbing a covert coffee with their leader, his own Captain.