Exercise: “What if it feels like I'm always putting in more effort?”

We’ve likely all been in dynamics where it felt like one person was reaching out more often, picking dates / times / activities more often, was always the one to start hard talks, etc. Sometimes, this is mutually agreed upon. But when it’s non-negotiated, it can be frustrating or exhausting. If you relate, and feel ready to talk about it, this resource is for you.

I’ve developed some questions for consideration below. As always, please only take what feels relevant or useful to you, and feel free to adapt it to suit your needs.

We’ll start with some prompts for self reflection, then for mutual reflection, and then some more nuanced questions to dig into the details.

1. Self check-in (Solo)

• What actions or inactions make things feel imbalanced? What examples do I want to bring up with them? Are there any patterns, or fear of something becoming a pattern, that I want to name?
• What is my part? Am I aware of my own role in this dynamic?
• What’s an ideal outcome of the conversation? e.g. Am I hoping they’ll agree to change what they do? Am I planning to change to my own behavior? Could I be nervous that we want different things, so I’m wanting clarity? etc.
• Does imbalanced labor carry historical weight? e.g. Does it bring up past trauma or abuse? Are there any gendered or racialized expectations about who should do which kinds of labor? Could there be minimizing or ignoring of a person's chronic illness or disability? Let’s be mindful of the context of an imbalance within the 1-to-1 dynamic, the community, and larger social systems.
• How do I hope my words will come across? e.g. “You don’t do this enough” vs. “Would you be open to doing this more often?” Both would get to a similar point; the first one’s more adversarial, the second is more collaborative. I don’t think there’s a “right” way to say things, nor can we control how we’re heard. Just in general, before we enter this kind of chat, are we intentional about the approach?

2. Getting on the same page (Together)

• Does everyone see this cognitive and emotional labor as, well, labor? Do we agree to the premise that starting conversations, coming up with ideas, making decisions, etc., are all forms of work?
• What are the current typical patterns, and does everyone see them the same way? e.g. If one person brings up heavy topics more often, while another comes up with all the date ideas, both people could feel like they do more than the other. And both might have a point, to an extent, but are just fixated on different aspects of the relationship.
• If we don’t see it the same way, can we try to understand their perspective / vice versa? While seeing things from their point of view doesn’t mean we agree to everything they’re asking, can we still try to recognize where they’re coming from? Validating each other can support everyone to come back to a teamwork mentality.
• What is the intent behind actions or inactions? e.g. If one partner is less likely to suggest a date night, is it because their ideas are often rejected? Are they feeling depressed or exhausted, so have less desire in general? Are they not aware of it, and would be happy to do it more, if asked? etc. Basically, if we trust everyone to be introspective and honest, can the intent behind actions or inactions be openly explored?
• Is it loaded to have asymmetry of labor? In the self reflection, if any historical weight was flagged for concern, is it safe to discuss that together? e.g. If a person grew up in a home where they had to always give and never ask for things; if a femme sees imbalance benefitting a masc partner; if a polycule of mostly non-Black people assume the only Black woman will shoulder the emotional work, etc. Can we keep an eye out for any trauma sensitivities, perpetuation of stereotypes, or assumptions based on identity?
• What kind of change(s) might everyone want, if any? Does each person have clarity on what they’d like to do more of / start doing, or do less of / stop doing? (In a bit, we will get to whether it’s possible. Can we first share the ideal scenarios?)
• What kind of dynamic(s) might everyone want, if any? Does the conflict stem from wanting different things in this connection?

3. Details and Brainstorming (Together)

From here on out, this will assume everyone is on the same page, and wants to work towards the same goal.

• With each person’s stated preference of what they’d like to do more or less of, is there any pushback? Could a request bring up new stressors that weren’t previously considered? (And if yes, is everyone open to brainstorming alternatives?)
• What is the intent behind requests? e.g. Are we seeking something more equitable? Is there any desire to punish? Are we scared we can’t follow through on this new expectation? The goal here is to understand why we say Yes or No. If it’s a No, the “why” can offer insight to other options.
• At the 1-to-1 level, what kind of work is easier or harder for each person, and why? Can we factor in mental health, disability, chronic illness and neurodivergence? e.g. Person X gets anxious and fears uncertainty, so planning the calendar gives them relief. But Person Y gets avoidant and fears being controlled, so planning the calendar gives them stress. Planning is tangibly more work for Person Y than Person X. This doesn’t mean Person Y never does it, but can we explore why tasks may have different barriers for different people?
• What obstacles beyond our control also play a factor? In addition to considering personal history, health and ability, do other things get in the way of finding balance? e.g. The variables that come with raising children, inflexible work schedules, housing insecurity or money stress, etc. While these things might not be 100% responsible for how a division of labor plays out, can we still consider the options each person realistically has to change what they can offer?
• With all this factored in, can we revisit the ideal outcome(s) together? Have any more solutions revealed themselves?
  If yes, what specific actions can we try in the next days / weeks / months? What’s the short term game plan, and when will we check in about it?
  If no, what is still the sticking point, and can that be explored more deeply (potentially in mediated discussion)?

While this can’t cover every possible scenario, I hope it may be a starting point to exploring this kind of imbalance with nuance and respect. If you see that I’ve left out anything that’s important to include, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

Warmly,
Morgan