Journal Entry #3 I Wish I Could Just Punch Some People

Short one today y'all, but I will be providing you with value for your support. 

So, I have been procrastinating on doing my taxes all for a long time.  I got an accountant to help, but today I woke up with the idea that I was going to do them.  Well, it was such a pretty day that I decided to go for a walk.  I went down to the pier and sat and watched the water.  I mean really, it was  such a great and enjoyable experience. As I made it back home, I had to wait downstairs for an elevator.  I normally only ride one to a person because I don't trust that people will follow the rules when they inconvenience them. I know this because I have a tendency to not do so as well, but with something like this, me not following the rules could put someone else's life at risk.  Well as I was waiting on the elevator, one came down and it was "full by coronavirus standards" and what that means is, there was one other person in there, a cleaning lady, and I decided not to take it.  I motioned to the lady behind me that she could go ahead, but she missed it. 

Then this straight white male comes barreling through and exclaims "Come on guys".  Now one thing you guys don't know about me yet is that although I am an empathic person, if you are not my friend or my client or my family I will fuck you up.

Seriously.

I used to not be like this. I used to have more patience, but that really was just me being a submissive door-mat in order to not arouse or anger white people.  When I say "straight white male", I am saying "satan", "asshole", or "racist".  It is very difficult to call these people by their name because as soon as you do, they say they aren't it.  But I know who I am talking about because I have dealt with them my entire life.  

So instead of apologizing, I looked him in his beady eyes and asked "who are you talking to me or her?".  This placed him in a very uncomfortable situation because I do believe that he was talking to me because I had a takeout bag in my hand.  This is why white supremacy and racism makes me so angry.

Sometimes yall, I just want to fucking be a human being. I just want to experience what it is like to go by food, come home, go up an elevator and get back in peace without having to deal with someone's fragility.  I'd also like to tell my story without a white person immediately cosigning about a similar experience.   I hope that I have a built a community that includes individuals that have dealt with their own bias and understand that sometimes we just need you to listen.

In the same way I have had to listen to members of the LGBTQ community or the deaf community or the tic community and many others.  

When I asked this question, I made sure to stare him in his eyes. He was significantly taller, but many times the tallest and most intimidating people are the one's most afraid of getting roundhouse kicked in their shit.  Because I will do it. I often fantasize about roundhouse kicking someone in the face and I do practice them often.  

I think he saw a black man and assumed I was a door dash worker (which there is nothing wrong with being) and decided to "express himself".  What he wasn't expecting was for me to question him.  

I simply stated "do you want to call the police or do you want me to call them on myself?".  He became extremely exasperated and left me alone. 

I really wanted to punch him in his face.