LP II ch 4

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Lunar Phases II: Manifesto

Crocodile Tears

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"'One of these days, Alice. One of these days. Bam, Pow, Zoom! Straight to the Moon!' An oft paraphrased quote from comedic actor Jackie Gleason's character Ralph Kramden of The Honeymooners. The implied physical assault was considered darkly comedic, as it was an exaggeration of domestic abuse that was (and to some extent, still is) vastly under-reported. Given the era of this paper's drafting and the social climate around the topic, naturally this 'humor' is viewed as misogynistic and 'unfunny'. This is where the defense for the controversial topic of the depicted 'physical humor', and point out where one must draw the line from 'parody and satire' to 'tasteless and mean-spirited' is only able to be done with the advantage of sociological and psychological knowledge as well as time…"

"Satire and Parody in the Modern Era" by to-be Prof. M. Namikaze, for Advanced Sociology 307, Harvard. Found in the Olympian Library adjacent to the Temple of Athena, next to the French Declaration of Rights of Man and of The Citizen.

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"Annabeth, you didn't say anything about working with The Hunters." Thalia grumbled, holding a long glare with the who-knows-how-old pubescent girl that glared back at her. They were gathered up in a nondescript apartment just a block south of where the Harpies were last reported to be seen for some last minute planning and to rendezvous with their allies. Thalia's favorite group of girls, including one sourpuss in particular that was overdue for some rough, unsolicited unprofessional rhinoplasty courtesy of a certain demigoddess' fist.

Likewise, Naomi's lip curled in a small sneer, which made her beak-like nose scrunch a bit and become even more of an enticing target.

"Please, you wouldn't even know of this outpost were it not for our Lady's benevolence toward the Mountain's bastards."

"What does that make you, huh? A nymph on the wrong side of a suckling?" One of the older Cabin Five members – Marcus, Thalia thinks his name is – asked as he stepped up to back her. To be fair, he struck an imposing figure, six-something feet tall and built like a brick house, but that's all it was. He had only been in camp for a month, which spoke of how valued he was by the God of War, to either have been overlooked for so long or ignored outright said a lot. Still, in that month, Clarisse came to value him for his prowess and combat capability. His temper needed management, but thankfully, Thalia wasn't babysitting today. Annabeth was.

"You watch your tongue, Boy, before I carve it from your mouth and–!"

"Okay, okay! We've all got some issues with each other. Focus on the task at hand, Naomi," Bianca, still the shrimp she was when she and Thalia first met, but her eyes had a harder steel in them as she cowed the taller girl before she returned to discussing their assault route with Annabeth. Wow, it was almost as if being in charge of the immortal 'Bratz Pack' had made her grow up a bit. Well, more than she already had anyway; the girl had kept an eye on her little brother during their stay at the Lotus Hotel and for some time after.

On an unrelated note, according to Kelp Head via Annabeth, Nico still hadn't turned back up since he almost got them all trapped in the Labyrinth because he was tricked by some ghost or something. Shame, too, because she wanted to talk to him about the loss of his sibling. Granted, her little brother was dead as opposed to Nico's now immortal older sister, but their situations were similar enough that maybe they could use it as an olive branch to become a little less hostile toward each other. At least, that's what Whiskers suggested after their last run in with Bianca and Naomi – who got away with her nose mercifully unblemished only due to injuries on both the daughter of Zeus and her boyfriend's end – during their day of recovery after their first run in with Minato.

The memories of that missed opportunity brought her ever racing mind back to the topic at hand, Bianca and her remarkable personality shift from nervous wallflower to a confident leader of a goddess' handmaidens. Thalia didn't think that sort of gig would be 'cakewalk', what with being expected to manage upwards of fifty-something teenage girls constantly moving, ignoring their trauma – yeah, psych student Thalia was not, but she'd still seen the same sort of things the hunters were known to suffer from in the streets and she had awful nightmares from time to time – and venting their issues on every human with a Y-chromosome? Seriously, Thalia was so glad she didn't have to take that route to escape the 'coveted' Child of Prophecy title, and she would have considered taking it if Whiskers hadn't cashed in that non-favor.

Not to mention, she couldn't see herself taking Bianca seriously as Artemis' voice in her stead. Maybe if their roles got swapped, it would be different, but Thalia didn't want to wrest the younger girl's title just because the Daughter of Hades' innate leadership ability wasn't as developed as Thalia's. The Daughter of Zeus had the 'handicap' of leading a pair of runaways across the East Coast with Bianca's patron goddess' son helping toward the home stretch. Granted, she could've done without her yet-to-be boyfriend's abrupt disappearance before their first interaction with The Hunt, but–

"Thalia!"

"What, Annie?" Thalia snapped her eyes to meet Annabeth's stark gaze. There was a hint of concern behind the stern annoyance there, but the rest of Annabeth's posture said more than words alone could. It was probably from the use of her nickname.

"Don't call me that in the field." Yeah, definitely the nickname. Annabeth huffed and beckoned her toward the map that was spread across a rotting table. "We want a third set of eyes on this."

"And you're asking me? I'm flattered." Thalia rolled those eyes with a huff and sent a parting glare Naomi's way before she went over to get the details of their raid. She stepped up beside Annabeth and looked down at the map. "So, what's the plan? Hey, Bianca."

"Thalia." The Lieutenant nodded at her. She pointed at the wrapped Jolly Rancher – Blue Raspberry? Ew. Thalia preferred Strawberry flavored – in the center of the makeshift map. "We believe the Harpies are being held here."

"So, we just have to get in and break open a cage? Figured as much." Thalia shrugged.

"What?" Bianca frowned. She groaned and glared at Annabeth. "I told you to relay that this isn't a rescue mission anymore."

"I have explicit orders from Olympus that say otherwise." Annabeth frowned.

"Artemis, guide me." Bianca muttered as she rubbed her forehead. She sighed, then looked up at Thalia. "Look, if the Harpies are compromised? Don't just break the cage."

"…Meaning?" Thalia arched a solitary brow, and wondered what the dramatics were for. Then she remembered, oh yeah, the children of Greek Gods tended to be just as freakin' dramatic as each of their respective divine parents could be. The flat stare the Lieutenant of Artemis gave her brought pause to these musings. Her next two words made the daughter of Zeus blink.

"Fry them. Leave them extra crispy so we know they aren't a threat." Bianca rolled her hands. "More harpies can be captured or hatched to replace the ones we lose here."

"..And then?"

"I don't know, they're technically Cabin Seven's issue, but the Head Counselor refused to help us." She huffed and crossed her arms. "Something about our Lady offending their father."

"One can only wonder where they got that idea." Thalia muttered. The counselor of Cabin Seven, Michael Yew, was a piece of work for someone who didn't even reach her shoulders. Well, that's what she estimated, anyway. She didn't give much of the new Half-Bloods much thought after Chiron introduced them when she stopped by the Big House earlier.

"Shame we can't get Naruto's help on this. A ranged fighter with his unique skillset would have come in handy." Annabeth muttered. And there's the typical inquisitive stare only a child of Athena could give. "What'd you say he was up to again?"

"He got roped into helping out some kid with a crocodile. I didn't get details." Thalia frowned. "He'd better not be doing anything stupid."

"Well, he is cursed." Bianca snorted

"I thought Apollo and Asclepius made him a herbal remedy for his lycanthropy?" Annabeth frowned. Bianca arched her brow.

"I was talking about his y-chromosome."

"Oh." Annabeth blinked before she shrugged. "Yeah, I guess outside of hormonal treatments, there's not much we can do about that."

"Could you two not talk smack about my boyfriend right in front of me?" Thalia frowned. It was only for an instant, but Annabeth made a weird face that she'd have to decipher later, while Bianca visibly gagged.

"Don't use that word again. I think Lady Artemis put a charm on our blessings if it comes up at a certain age." Bianca grumbled.

Well, that's only extremely concerning. Thalia decided she'd unpack that later when she was back in her apartment with her boyfriend. After she dealt with Olympus' issues.

Again.

Seriously, though. She thought with a frown as the two brains behind this assault got back on task. Whiskers better not do anything stupid.

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"That was so utterly stupid." Naruto grumbled as he stared at the baby alligator he held outstretched in one hand, no longer donned with the fancy necklace Carter held in his, while he flipped through a book with the other. The magician was muttering references and deciphering the symbols on the necklace while Naruto was stuck holding the croaking newborn. He glowered at the little reptile, annoyed that the bruises, cuts and scrapes he'd earned over the last hour came from this yet fully grown fierce creature. That was before they got introduced to the whole 'water-bending crocodile' situation with a violent torrent of water that was shot from the creature's mouth.

Not to mention his truck had been totaled.

That's your own fault. The Fox jeered, not one to miss an opportunity to poke fun at him. Some 'partner' he was. I told you that was a stupid idea.

Shut up, Energizer. Naruto sent back as he glowered at the distressed crocodilian child. He raised his free finger and poked it on the tip of its nose. The croaks it was letting out quieted for a moment.

"So, that is you." He muttered with a frown. "Why are you doing that?"

"It's calling for its mother, but I doubt it'll be heard." Carter explained quickly before he dove back into his research. Naruto stared at him and then looked back at the crocodile he'd started to gently stroke down the snout. Little guy was probably really scared, maybe a little hungry. He could spare a few bites from his protein bar.

Wait, stop, don't do that! The Fox snapped.

Do what? Naruto frowned. "Not even doing anything. Right?"

"Are you talking to–?" Kane looked up from his book and got a pair of hard blues glaring at him.

"No."

"Ah, so another bout of insanity I shouldn't concern myself with. Works for me."

Wh-? Rude. Naruto glared at the younger boy even harder. He saw the bead of sweat forming on his brow, he knows he can feel Naruto's glare. Just look up and he can initiate the correction he wants to make.

He isn't wrong. The Fox sneered. For that, Naruto aimed an implied glare at the non-physical entity while he kept his physical glower aimed at the muttering boy beside him.

Despite what his girlfriend, The Hunters (both those he was raised with and the newer members), the few individuals that he could call his friends, the other demigods that knew him personally, and the aforementioned Fox that resided within him claimed, he wasn't insane. Both his divine Uncle and adoptive Cousin, two of the divine Olympians that presided over the domain of Medicine, had cleared him of being so! Granted, only one of those evaluations would be defendable, given that the other came from his oafish Uncle…Best not to think about it too much.

Seeing as his glare for the dig at his mental state was being ignored, Naruto looked back down at the crocodilian child he held in his hand. It's croaking had slowed to a soft chirp and it leaned into where his finger stroked along its head and spine.

"Ignore him. I'm not crazy. Just like you aren't a monster." He muttered. He felt the muscles in his cheek tug up as the little critter continued to chirp, even as they made eye contact. "Hm. Maybe crocodiles aren't as bad as snakes...You are technically a dinosaur, which makes you kind of cool...What should I call you?"

Nope! There it is! That's where I am drawing the damned line! You are getting attached to it, you moron! That is a terrible idea! The Fox barked. Naruto winced and huffed.

"Didn't ask for your opinion."

And I didn't ask to be stuffed inside of another Sage-forsaken member of a clan full of suicidal, long-lived idiots! The Fox growled. Naruto hummed.

"Hey, there's an idea. Minato might have a good name for you. And I could check on his progress with that other thing." He muttered as he continued to stroke the crocodile hatchling. It curled up in his hand and he instinctively drew it close to his chest. He looked down at the half-lidded predatory gaze of the hatchling. "What do you think, Connor?"

Dammit, Brat! Do not name it! Once you name it, you get attached to it!

"Who is Con–?" Carter looked up from his book once more and frowned. "Um, I really should take it back with me. It will be safer within the House of..Er, with me."

Naruto disagreed with both of the opinions presented to him.

"Egyptian magic is the whole reason Connor got in this mess." He said. He stroked his thumb under Connor's chin. "Besides, what do you know about taking care of a crocodile? Let alone an infant?"

"It just needs a tank and a heat lamp. Right?" Carter furrowed his brow. "I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out. I mean, I have a pet griffin."

Yes, let the idiot take the crocodile and get himself eaten.

"One, regardless of how exotic your initial pet is, that doesn't qualify you to care for a totally different animal, let alone one that was misplaced by the whim of a god." Naruto deadpanned at the mystic. He gently stroked his fingers down the back of Connor's back – he ignored the echo of a groan from a certain spirit bound to his body – and narrowed his eyes when Carter made to speak again. "Two, gryphons don't strike me as the type to share caretakers."

"Maybe not the ones from the Greco-Roman pantheon, but Freak was bestowed to me by Horus himself–."

"Let me stop you right there." Naruto paused mid stroke as he stared at Carter. "Your gryphon, bestowed unto you by the God of War and Pharaohs, the defacto leader of the very pantheon you serve, is named Freak?!"

"Yeah, well, because he's kind of–"

"That's so unbelievably messed up." Naruto groaned into his free hand.

As a child, he, his mother and Zoë had hunted a few stragglers that strayed from their sanctuaries and sought demigod blood to sustain themselves or became nuisances to local populations for their thefts and love of all things shiny. Still, he (and most of the modern world) viewed the monster species with a hint of respect. Were Poseidon not as generous to gift a stable's worth of pegasi for the demigods of Camp Half-Blood back when it started, his mother confided that the Olympian Council had considered a hatchery of Gryphons.

The only one that had strongly protested the decision was Apollo. Mostly because the amalgamative beasts of Eagle and Lion tended to harass him and his kids more than others. Granted, he was also an oaf that liked shiny objects, so that wasn't too surprising. Still, it was enough of an argument to give Poseidon leverage when debate over the Pegasi Stables started.

A debate that Athena had lost, but that was a story to consider on another day.

"So? Freak doesn't mind it! It grew on him. I think," Carter said, heat in his words though his soft utterance at the end was still heard. Naruto stared at him and then readjusted Connor in his arm.

"No. I'll take Connor and you deal with the necklace. Khonsu sent me to deal with him, and so I will until he requests otherwise."

I'm not healing you after you shock her with this. Your mate is going to kill you. The Fox grumbled. Likely with lightning.

Naruto snorted at the pun. He didn't disagree that Thalia might initially turn down his proposal of sheltering Connor, but he could probably get Thalia to change her mind once she meets him and gets his backstory. A little one thrust into the world by the whimsy of a Divine Pantheon and left without trustworthy parental guidance to seek out? Yeah, she'd be more likely to sympathize with Connor after she heard that.

Yep. You're going to die. You're going to die and it's going to be your fault, Idiot. The Fox grumbled. It sighed and he could imagine that it was rubbing one of its massive hand-like paws over its face. I should focus on the positive here; at least I'll be free of your stupidity afterwards. Sure, being lost to the whims of the Ginnungagap doesn't sound ideal, but it can't be any worse than being stuck inside another damned Uzumaki.

Get over yourself, Energizer. Naruto rolled his eyes. Geez, and Demigods called the Greek Gods dramatic…Well, Uncle Fred certainly was.

"Well, if you're sure about it." Carter chewed on his lip and looked at the necklace in his hand. "I should probably get this back to the H–er, get it somewhere safe."

"You do that." Naruto muttered as he turned and walked away. His mind was already going over the requirements of care Connor would need him to fulfill, and a terrarium was not something subtle he could sneak up into Thalia's apartment. He hummed and lifted Connor to look him in the eye. "How do you feel about meeting my mom?"

"Uhh–"

"Wasn't talking to you, Kane." He sighed and lifted a hand. "Let's do this again, never."

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AN: Yeah, a bit shorter in this chapter, sorry about that. Hopefully all the snark makes up for it a bit.