How to Family the Ray Way; Advice For When Things are Bullshit

Ray, what’s your stance on having children? Who, when, where, why or why not, how many, etc. —Sam J.

Sam, 

Consider it like this: folks been havin’ children in every wacked-out terrible situation imaginable for all of history. (In a cave on a cliff while a hungry eagle is shrieking in the hole; behind the medicine table’s backdrop curtain at Dancing With The Stars, etc.) So, here and now’s always basically as good a time as any.  

If it sweetens the pot a bit, other people love to pitch in raisin’ your kids! I dig on messin’ their hair, gettin’ referred to as Uncle, all that happy jazz. I picture myself shoppin’ for a meaningful present that helps shape who they will become: Cross fountain pen = high power lawyer; wind-up wooden turtle = sports broadcaster. Then, when their behavior sucks, I can just bow out, so I don’t say anything regrettable!

Oh, and have as many kids as you can. Most don’t turn out that interesting, and you don’t want to be bored when you’re so old they’re the only people who have to hang out with you. 

=-Reychaldo Gulch, Known Pistolero-=

+ - + - + 

Hi Ray, the name's Jason, first time long time. I have two teenagers (twins, i'm very lucky) but they seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. I like to think I'm a fun dad, into all the nerdy stuff, but getting them to hang out with me is getting harder. Do I push and insist we do things together or do I let those kids be on their own? Signed, Frustrated Dad

Frustrated Dad Jason, 

You could be peak Johnny Cash on orangutan reds and they’d still think you were a bore. It’s the sad, hard road of dads — but also the main way civilizations advance — that those kids got to distance themselves from their home base to learn who they are. Did I ever tell you about the quarter I took golf at the community college? Mom’s voice mails were stackin’ up, and I felt bad about that, but I also knew it was just somethin’ I had to do. 

They’ll be back before too long. Maybe with a job, or just dreadlocks, but treat it all the same. Stay positive with them, so they’ll always sense the door is open. 

I truly hope Little Nephew starts this detaching process soon. 

>—R. Smunkle, Known Uncle—<  

+ - + - + 

Ray, I'm curious, you seem like the kind of guy that's skillfully navigated and overcome all sorts of adversity in his life. I feel that, for myself, there's gonna be hard days a-coming, and I don't feel prepped. My question is, is there a mantra or words of wisdom that you stick by in hard times, that gets you through the hard days? Any advice for us little folk to find the value in challenging times? Asking for a friend. Bungus B.

Dear Bungus, 

I bet The Highwaymen used to write letters like this to Ann Landers. 

(That may sound like I’m just not giving you a serious answer, but in truth, it’s a line I say to myself every time the universe shoots some bullshit across my bow: crazy driver almost sideswipes me, shopping cart wheel keeps jamming up, etc.) 

Ray_Of_Truth.exe

+ - + - + 

Confidential to Mercator_Projectionist: Ticklishness is all in the nature of the attack. Fingers that touch you gently can seem MORE tickly (they remind the brain of a spider), while confidently-placed hands that rest firmly upon the same area will not tickle. Incidentally, it’s the evolution of the latter property that allowed for the development of slow-dancing.