Ray's Place: Party Tunes, Definition of a Gentleman, Bores

Hey Ray! Nothing shits up a night like bad tunes. What’s the Ray Way to ensure you’re the DJ guiding the party action and not your friends who insist on the same “This Is Paul Simon” playlist no matter the situation? —Aaron

Paul Simon? What, are you guys sittin’ around discussin’ barefoot shoes and New Zealand? I’m sorry Aaron, but that is not a party. That is just where one of the guys has slight BO, and another guy probably thinks he looks cool with an acoustic guitar even though he looks like that dude from Jim Cramer Money Madness. (Incidentally, the third guy who's there, the one with the really soft forearms, will be dead within a year from choking. Total freak accident. I’m sorry to tell you this.) 

In basic, maybe just don't call every time you hang out low-key with friends a party. Sometimes, you're just some guys in a room, and it doesn't turn out special.

-=Ray's Got Diamonds in the Dank in his Donk=-

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Dear Ray, I confess that despite being a longtime reader of your column, your place in the Generations is an enigma. I have more respect for you as a gentleman of taste [than] to simply ask your age, but can you advise me on how to tell what generation a person is? Best, Yelahneb (Gen X) 

Yelahneb,

A true gentleman’s generation will not be evident, so classy and timeless are the elements of his style. And by style, I also mean his conversation and pastimes. But he can also be a bit of a maverick...for example, you typically won’t find a gentleman gettin’ carried naked-‘cept-his-cologne outta Top Golf, but I think I mighta’ had food poisoning that night, which interacted with this new mezcal that Mayor C was passin’ around, so I still get to call myself a gentleman. If the scene you caused was actually because the nacho chef at the driving range still had doodoocrack doo on his hands, then you are still in the club. 

Getting back to your question, though, count the wrinkles on the neck. Start at twenty, then add ten years for each one.  

-=OuCh!=-

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Dear Ray, is there a good way to tell a long time friend that they have become a bore, and that I don't care for or about their gym routine, and to suggest a more entertaining hobby such as bassoon tooting or transmutation? — Funkulus

See, I got to quibble with you here, Funkulus, and my quibble game is pretty bouncy these days. Check it: anything is interesting, if you ask the right questions. What do you think therapists are doin’ that whole hour? Some moanbag is sittin’ there goin’ all, “I can’t get anything done! Whyyyy WHYYYYYY” so the shrink has to be all, “Did you ever burn yourself when you were a kid?” The patient assumes psychiatrists know some classical reason this might be relevant to later-in-life performance issues, so they actually start tellin’ a neat story about a firecracker or welding incident, and the clock hands actually start movin’ again.

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Confidential to Marky_J: Most coffee is decaffeinated using a water-based process, so I don't think you have to worry about mites.