Sophie and The Train

“Where would you like to go, Ma’am?” The man said from behind the ticket counter. His fingers laid ready on the keyboard from behind his plastic window. Sophie shrugged, rose a finger past her smile, and adjusted her glasses.

“Um, anywhere! I’ll take your first train out of here.” She repeated herself. The 26-year-old dirty blonde had come to the train station not on a whim, but to start something new. Sophie had just broken up with her boyfriend of seven years. The two of them had grown together since the start of their adult life. Leaving someone of that caliber had left Sophie feeling lost in everyday life. She yearned for an adventure to take her mind off everything; and at the same time, see if she could learn more about herself. Being with someone for that long, you tend to lose track of that in the other person.

“I’ve got a one-way to Salt Lake City leaving now. $80.” The man said. From her small town in Nebraska, that sounded like the perfect journey for Sophie.

“I’ll take it!” She said enthusiastically, sliding the man the money underneath the plastic barrier. His fingers click clacked on the keyboard. A printer ticked as it pushed the ticket out. The man ripped it from the machine and pushed it underneath the barrier. Sophie grabbed it and thanked the man.

“Trains leaving now, get going!” The man said, pointing toward the train parked on the track. Sophie gripped her rolling suitcase with sweaty palms. She walked from the counter to the tracks. She was face to face with her adventure. She didn’t know what was out there for her in Salt Lake. She’d never been out of the state before, but whatever was there, she was going to make it her own story.

“Ticket?” The conductor asked at the steps of the train. Sophie handed him the ticket. He grabbed it, examined the words for a moment, then handed it back. “We have assigned seating on this train. Your seat is a couple cars back. Normally I’d tell you to walk there from here, but we’re leaving now, so you’ll have to hop cars from inside.” He said, motioning for her to get up the steps and onto the train.

“Oh, okay. Thank you.” Sophie said meekly, she didn’t know how to read which car was which, but she was already moving up the stairs like the conductor told her to. She peaked her head out from the stairs to ask the conductor how to find her seat, but he was already walking down the track, blowing his whistle for the all clear.

“Oof!” Sophie said, feeling the train suddenly lurch forward. She grabbed the metal rail next to the stairs for support. Her head turned to the car door a couple steps away from her. “This is all part of the adventure, Soph.” She thought to herself, “I didn’t even know how to find my seat. That’s how I’ll start it when I tell everyone.” She said, lifting the luggage up from the steps. She walked up toward the car door. She could see through the hazy glass window the rows of chairs and people. She grabbed the door handle with her freehand, turned the knob, and walked in.

The passenger car was silent. People sat in carpeted chairs that all faced forward. Most were on their phones, scrolling through their timelines. Some had headphones on, listening to music while they looked out the window. No one payed any attention to Sophie at the back of the car.

“Car 6A…” Sophie mumbled to herself, looking up from her ticket. She scanned the ceiling and sides of the car for any indicators of where she was. At the far end of the car was a large “2A” painted in red. Sophie looked to her side, and saw the same thing was printed on the walls next to the door she had just walked through. “Awesome! I’m only a couple cars away from my seat.” Sophie thought, she leaned forward and started walking down the rows of seats.

The train was still accelerating while she walked down the aisle. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the trees and ground beginning to blur. She felt a sense of calm press into her heart. “The journey has started… I’m really doing it…” She thought, her mind saw pictures of Andrew, her now ex-boyfriend, flash into existence. She let them linger for a moment, before clearing them for what was in front of her. “This isn’t about us anymore.” Sophie knew, as she approached the door to the next car. “This is about me now. My life.” She thought. Feeling confident in her next steps in life, she grabbed the handle to the car door, and opened it. She carefully tip-toed over the car connector, and up to the door platform. She looked through another hazy glass window.

The next car had more ambient lighting than the last. She could see people conversing with one another. She felt a flash of excitement race through her. Being the extravert she was, Sophie happily opened the door and walked in.

“I… *Sniff*… I just…. *Sniff*… Can’t believe he would DO THIS to me!!!” a staggering female voice cried out next to Sophie. A blubbering girl was surrounded by two others, they each were holding one of her hands as she cried her heart out. “I-I thought he was the one… I loved him!” The girl cried, as another gush of tears leaked out of her.

“Hey there, what’s going on?!” Sophie said, walking up to counsel the girl. Sophie leaned her luggage up against the seat. She knelt in front of the girl and placed a hand on her knee. The girl looked up, her eyes and cheeks flushed red from crying.

“My boyfriend just broke up with me. We were together for two months. I loved him so much. I passed him a note in math class yesterday, asking if he loved me too, and he said ‘idk.’ Who says that to someone?! I don’t get it! We’ve held hands like four times down the hall, even though the teachers told us not to! God this fricken sucks!” She said through sniffles. Sophie felt for the girl. Not only had her heart been recently broken, but she could remember her own break-ups back in middle school. The more she recalled them, the more vivid they became.

“Aw, it’s okay. My boyfriend Devin just broke up with me too.” Sophie blurted out. “Wait, no. Why did I just say that? I was with Andrew?” She thought, but it was hard for her to shake how close Devin felt in her mind now. She could see him in her mind, riding away on his bike after telling her he wanted to break up. Sophie hadn’t thought about that moment in decades, but she suddenly felt a growing balloon of anger and sadness in her chest.

“Really? Did he think you were just ‘okay looking’ too? My ex actually said that to me once.” The girl said, her hand-holders both scoffed. Sophie did the same and shook her head.

“Ugh, no! But he told me that I would look better with brown hair. What a bleep-hole!” Sophie said, finding it taboo in that moment to say the word ‘ass’. That was a bad word her parents told her she shouldn’t be saying. If they heard her say it, she’d lose another 30-minutes of TV time. She wasn’t about to miss the new episode of iCarly tonight.

“Boys fricken suck!!” The girl said, pulling her hands away to place her face in them instead. Sophie felt her heart go out to the girl. Boys do suck. They were only put on this Earth to break their hearts.

“Here, let me find you some tissues.” Sophie said, standing up and looking around the car for a box affixed to the wall or on a table. She scanned the room, looking past a group of jock meatheads in letterman jackets, another group wearing all black and heavy eyeliner, and some nerdy men playing a colorful card game. She looked back at the girl. “Give me a sec girl, I’ll be right back, I’m going to find you tissues.” Sophie said, the girl just nodded as she erupted into another fit of tears. Sophie grabbed her luggage and started walking.

Sophie walked down the aisle looking for anyone friendly enough who might have some tissues for the girl. She knew instantly to walk right past the jocks. They stared her down head to toe while she walked by.

“Looking good cutie.” One of them said. Sophie scoffed and rolled her eyes. They were always such jerks to her. Sophie flipped them off with her ring finger instead of her middle. That way if a teacher saw her, she wouldn’t get in trouble.

“Shut up, idiot!” Sophie said, she heard the group of boys go “Ooooo!” at her response. She ignored them and kept walking. Her head swung side to side in attempts to find someone who was approachable enough to ask for tissues. She couldn’t find herself able to crack any of the cliques in the car though. They each shot looks of scorn as she walked by. Sophie rubbed her hands anxiously across the opposite arms. She felt just like the new girl at school.

“Whatever, I’ll look in the other car to see if anyone has some tissues.” She thought, as she approached the car door at the end. She ran a hand down her embroidered low-rise jeans to wipe off the sweat. She looked down to double check her orange converses were still tied before she walked across. She remembered she had an awful habit of not tying her shoes well enough. One of them looked halfway apart, but she shrugged it off, that’d be enough to get her across and she could re-tie it there.

She grabbed the handle and opened the door. The sound of the train running against the tracks overpowered the snickering she heard from behind. Sophie was ready to get out of that cliquey middle-school environment. She gripped the handle of her pink suitcase and made the leap across cars. She looked into the window and saw far less seats in this one. There were a couple rows in the middle, but most of the people in there were in the corners on the floor. She could see the groups laughing and conversing with one another. From the outside, it seemed much more inclusive than the train behind her. Feeling rejuvenated joy course through her, Sophie swung the door open.

The room buzzed with playful conversation from around the car. The walls were white, and the lights above emitted the same color. The floors weren’t carpeted like the last, but instead an eggshell vinyl with pockets of colorful squares. The room smelled like a mix of glue and colored pencils.

Sophie took a couple steps into the car. She felt weight drift off her shoulder like sand blowing in the wind. The atmosphere in the room was fun. People were coloring, playing make-believe games with one another, and drawing on papers in their own worlds.

“*Sigh* This is so hard!” a voice yelled out to the right of Sophie. She turned her head to see a red-faced man pouring over a piece of paper on the floor. Sophie walked up to him.

“Hi there! What’s your name? My name is Sophie!” She said in a jolly tone. It felt easy to be overly friendly in this car. The man looked up, disheveled from his work.

“Hi Sophie, my name is Charlie. I’m having a really hard time with this math sheet. Ms. Butterfield gave it to us, and it’s just so haaard!” He said with a whine at the end. Sophie smirked at Charlie, she sunk down to his level and sat crisscross with him.

“Hey that’s alright! I’m super smart at maths. I bet I can help you with it!” She said. She nestled in close to Charlie. She snatched the paper from the floor and brought it up to her face.

“Wait!” Sophie suddenly said, looking down from the paper. Charlie jolted from Sophie’s volume.

“What?!” He said back.

“Do you have a tissue? I need one for….” Sophie said, trying to rack her brain to recall why she needed a tissue in the first place. The past couple minutes felt hazy, she couldn’t pinpoint exact moments before this car. She was smart though and could reason out why she probably needed one in the first place.

“The boogies on your face?” Charlie said, pointing at Sophie’s nose. She looked down to get the best view she could of her face, she couldn’t see anything, but she could feel there was something just below her nostrils.

“Oh yeah!” Sophie said, seemingly unconcerned about walking around with a snotty nose. Charlie shook his head ‘no’ to answer her original question.

“Eh, that’s okay.” Sophie said, opting instead to wipe them off on her sleeve. She repositioned the paper back into view. Her eyes focused in on the number problems on the page. “Oookay.” Sophie said, “Problem number one, what is three times two? Oh! This one is suuuper easy.” She said, putting the paper down and grabbing the nearest pencil on the floor. It was a red colored pencil, but Sophie was sure the teacher wouldn’t mind it.

“The answer is six! See? Because if you add three two times to itself, you get, the number six!” She said, trying her best to both answer and teach Charlie how to do the math problem. She could tell from the muddled look on his face that he sort of understood what Sophie was talking about. Charlie didn’t say anything, he continued to stare questionably at the page. Sophie decided to move on to the next one.

“Okay, how about this one.” Sophie said, flicking her pupils to the next question. “What is three times five…. Oh…” Sophie said, suddenly feeling completely lost at the question. Her mind felt like it was in the middle of a dark forest with no direction. She stared closer at the problem, as if it that would help jostle her brain. The two sat there for a silent minute pondering the question.

“See?! This stuff is so hard!” Charlie said, feeling discouraged. Sophie did her best to reassure him.

“No, no! It’s okay, we’ll figure this one out. Okay here, we could do this. We could do this like multiplication table math do-hicky thing that I learned about in class last week.” Sophie said, that sentence sounded wrong, but she just went with it. She didn’t feel mentally responsible to double check the truth in her thoughts. Why should she? She could think whatever she wanted.

“So you can take the three, and if you add it to the five, then add it one more time…” Sophie said, scribbling the numbers close together on the page, “You can do this thing where you add them all together, and then, bam! There it is! The answer!” Sophie said, drawing a rough number 13. It was like she drew the number with her non-dominate hand. Still, she felt a profound beam of pride light up in her chest.

“Hey I really like your shoes.” Charlie said, changing the subject out of nowhere. Sophie gasped at the polite complement.

“Hey! Thank youuu. My Mommy got them for me. They light up when I go jumpy up and down!” Sophie said, scrambling to her feet. She bent her legs before pushing off the ground as hard as she could. When she landed back down, the lights on the side of her Velcro shoes shimmered an array of rainbow colors. She stomped her feet up and down like that in front of Charlie a few more times for effect.

“Wow!! Holy moley that is sooo cool!!!” Charlie said in awe. Sophie readjusted her pink frilly skirty and sat back down.

“Thanks! I love your shoes too. Dinosaurs are so cool. They are so big and cool and fun and.. a-and I really like them.” Sophie said, feeling suddenly nervous around Charlie. He was so kind for complementing her shoes like that. He was also kind of cute the more she kept looking at him. Sophie looked away bashfully for staring too long. She tried her best to repress her cheeks from flushing red.

“So um… the next one?” Charlie said, pointing down at the paper. Sophie swiveled her head back down at the math problems.

“Oh yeah, that’s right! We were doing math. Ermm, you’re right, this is really hard.” Sophie said, trying to impress Charlie. She looked at the next problem, “What is six times seven… Ho’ boy… this one….” Sophie said, trying to mirror Charlie’s struggles. However, the more she stared at the problem, she felt even more lost than the last one. She didn’t even know where to being. Both of those numbers felt like they were at the mental edge of her mathematic skill now. She wanted to impress Charlie by being at the same level as him, and it was working.

“I got an idea!” Sophie said, jumping back to her feet. Her shoes lit up from the weight. “We can use a calculator! You just go ‘boop beep bop boop’ in the thing, and it gives you the answer. That will make this super more easy. I think I have one in my backpack.” Sophie said, she slouched her shoulder, letting her pink My Little Pony backpack slide down her arm. She grabbed it and unzipped the top. The sent of pencil shavings and erasers puffed out from the bag. Sophie dug a hand in her bag and started feeling around.

“Not my doll….. Not my squishy ball… hehe still squishy though…. Ouch! No not that pencil…. Erm…” Sophie said, looking back at Charlie, “I think I left it at home.” She said, bummed out.

“Oh, that’s alright. I can just do this later…” Charlie said defeated. Sophie’s face suddenly lit up again.

“I know! I can go find us a calculator! My Mommy says I’m super good at finding things for people. I’ll be right back!” Sophie spat, feeling a rush of excitement knowing she was about to solve every question on that page for Charlie. Charlie nodded before Sophie turned to look down the car. The view of the other passengers playing and working together came back into view.

Sophie felt at home in this car. She almost didn’t want to leave, but she was on a mission for Charlie. She desperately wanted him to like her. If she could finish the hardest math problems for him, then he’d for sure hug her or say she’s pretty again. She felt remorseful leaving her friends, but it was the right thing to do.

Her feet lit up with each skip toward the door. Sophie loved skipping in her skirt. It was fun watching the way it swayed with each step. She almost turned around to skip the length of the car for a fifth time but decided to complete her mission and get back to Charlie ASAP. She gripped the door handle and opened it.

The sound of the trail racing on the rails filled her ears again. The jump across cars felt far scarier this time than before. Her eyes grew wide at the blurry train tracks whizzing by below her. She closed them to stem the fear sinking in her body. If she couldn’t see it, then it wasn’t there. She breathed in quickly, trying her best to calm down and be the big girl she knew she was. She peaked one eyelid open. The doorstep was only a foot away.

She charged through the fear in her chest and hopped as high as she could to the next car. Her feet landed right in front of the door.

“PHEW!” She yelled, drawing in deep breaths to calm herself down. “That was really scawy.” She said, “Scary.” She said, correcting herself. “Mommy said not talk like that.” Sophie reminded herself. If she didn’t act like a big kid, then Mommy would take another ten minutes away from toy time. She had to avoid that at all costs. Sophie felt her default smile return to her face. She looked to the door, and without hesitation, opened it.

“Sophie! Sweetie close the cubby and bring your snack over. We’re going to finish up this lesson on insects before naptime!” The teacher yelled out from across the room.

“Otay!” Sophie yelled back, letting the cubby door close shut behind her. She clutched the handle of her snack pack and scuttled over to the carpet where everyone else was sitting down in front of Mrs. Rossi. She plopped herself down next to her best friend, Erin.

“Hey.” Erin said, nudging her friend on the arm.

“Hiya!” Sophie said back happily.

“I wanted to ask if you had gone potty yet ta’day? Me haven’t, and my pull-up is getting’ warm…” She said, trailing off at the end.

“Umm…” Sophie said, trying to recall the times she used the potty today. She couldn’t recall an exact continuous moment of walking into the bathroom and using it on her own. She could pull some parts together from separate memories of an adult helping her onto the toilet, but that was about it.

“I don’ know!” Sophie said back with a shrug.

“Check your pull-up.” Erin said nonchalantly.

“My pull-up?” Sophie wondered, looking down at her waist. She couldn’t see the pull-up through her overalls and shorts, so she flexed her things instead. Sure enough, she could feel the slight bulk of the training pants in between her legs. At first, she felt weird about having them on. For some reason, her brain thought that she was too old to have these on. She saw fleeting memories in her mind of making it to the bathroom on time without a problem every day.

The more she dwelled on those memories, the more they felt like a fantasy. A silly dream that she must have had last night and was associating with reality. “Me got pull-ups last week…” Sophie remembered. She recalled that she worked really hard to get there too. She’d paid extra attention to her bladder so she didn’t have too many accidents in her diaper. Mommy finally thought she was big enough to graduate her into pull-ups. She didn’t feel weird about them, she felt proud! She was finally working her way up to being a big kid. In fact, she already felt like one without a diaper on.

“Itz otay, that’s what pull-ups are for. For sometimes!” Sophie said to reassure her friend.

“Ehem.” Mrs. Rossi said at the front, “You must know the answer to the question already, Sophie, if you want to talk while I’m talking.” She said sternly to the girl sitting down on the carpet.

“Um… could you ask it again?” Sophie said, trying her best to sound articulate in front of everyone. It was difficult getting words out through her lips in the first place. They felt heavy and sluggish to move.

“What is this animal?” Mrs. Rossi said, pointing toward the honeybee on the screen. Sophie focused on the picture. She searched deep into the archives of her mind. She could feel the word forming on the tip of her tongue.

“Ba…ba….bum….bumble bee!!!” Sophie said, seeing it form finally in her mind. “Jeez, that was a hard one…” She thought afterwards.

“Good job! And can you spell it for us?” She said, pointing at the empty boxes below the picture where the letters go. Sophie felt a familiar lost feeling creep into her mind. She tried drawing the letter in her mind, but it ended up as a nonsensical scribble. She attempted it again, staring deep into the screen, but her brain farted the same result.

“Hrm…” Sophie said, trying a different strategy in her mind. She took mental stock of the letters she could recall in her mind. She didn’t know all of them, but perhaps she could get close and fill in the gaps if she could a few up there. She started to sound out the letters based off the sound of the animal, “B-ba… bbb….” She said, “B!” She yelled out, the word washing over her mind.

“Yes! What comes next?” She asked, clicking the box, the letter ‘B’ appeared.

“Oh poopy…” Sophie said, the group around her busted into a fit of chuckles from the funny word. Sophie couldn’t control her laughter either. The word felt like the epitome of comedy.

“Settle down, settle down! Sophie, you know you’re not supposed to use potty language like that in here!” She said.

“Yes Mrs. Rossi…” Sophie droned automatically. She almost suppressed her smile.

“Now, tell me what the next letter is then I’ll give someone else a try. Sound it out again, that worked for you before.” She said, pointing back to the screen.

“Bumble Bee…. Bu… Buuhh…. Uh… Uuu… uuhhmmm… Um.. Um… uahh….” Sophie said, her tone melting into a desperate plea the end, she looked down at her waist.

Something felt wrong. There was suddenly extreme stress growing in her bladder. The warning crashed into her mind out of nowhere. She recognized the need to pee, but the growing dam in her bladder was filling up fast. She clenched down hard to stop an accident from spilling into her pants. “Umm..!! Mws. Wossi!! I needa!!” Sophie said, getting up before she could even finish her sentence. Her mind became too preoccupied with holding it in to articulate properly.

Sophie needed every ounce of willpower she had to not let go in her pants. She knew the bathroom was across the room, but it felt like a marathon. She placed two hands in between her legs and waddled to the door. She didn’t even care if the whole class was staring at her. This was an absolute emergency. She didn’t want Mommy to put her back into diapers. If she got a note home saying she had an accident, it would be game over for her potty training.

“Alright! Hold on! I’m coming.” Mrs. Rossi said, walking over to the bathroom.

“Me big girl, me big girl, me big girl.” The mantra repeated in Sophie’s mind. She knew she had the ability to hold it if she really tried. Mrs. Rossi had to hurry up though. Each passing second felt like an eon. She felt moments away from dribbles dropping into her pull-up.

“You’re okay, I’m right here.” Mrs. Rossi said, getting to the bathroom door. Sophie watched in agony as she slowly made her way over. Mrs. Rossi dug a hand into her back pocket. The keys jostled when she pulled them out of her pocket. She took her time looking for the right one before shoving it into the keyhole.

“Okay, Sophie, are you ready?” Mrs. Rossi asked.

“Wes! Jus’ open it!” Sophie squealed desperately. Mrs. Rossi opened the door.

“Uh…” Sophie said, as the room came into view. It wasn’t the bathroom like Sophie expected. Instead, she saw a light brown carpeted floor with babyish toys and games spilled across it. People the same size as she were crawling around and playing, but instead of wearing clothes, all they had on were thick adult diapers. Changing tables lined the walls, and the room smelled faintly of stale pee.

“It’s okay Sophie. You’re just not ready yet for potty training.” A masculine voice said behind her.

“Wha?” Sophie said, looking behind her to see a man holding her shoulder. She wasn’t in the preschool anymore, instead, she was standing in a daycare’s bathroom.

“Your diaper should be able to hold way more than just one accident. Go back to your toys and we’ll change you when you’re ready. Maybe we can try again in a few months.” He said, ushering Sophie back into the playroom.

“My diapie?” Sophie said, looking down at herself. Instead of seeing overall and shorts, she was completely naked except for a sagging discolored diaper.

Her mind felt utterly confused. She felt like so much was changing around her, yet also not at all at the same time. None of it made sense. Hadn’t she just been talking to someone in preschool? And wasn’t there something going on before that? But more than all of that, an overwhelming part of her knew that was ridiculous. How could she been in preschool if she just had an accident in her diaper?

“Hrmf!” Sophie said, as the caretaker placed her back down on the floor. She wanted to express her frustration, but she couldn’t figure out the words. “I’ma not ha- haapa! I’ma no diapie giwl!” She yelled to the man while he walked away.

“She’s quite the talker today, huh?” He said to another worker across the room. They smirked at each other and nodded.

Making fun of her only made Sophie angrier. She couldn’t stop it from taking over her entire being. She felt the pressure building inside of her body.

“Humf! I’m na’da baby!! Hrnngg!” Sophie said, pounding the ground with her fists as another heavy wave pushed through her. She felt her body move independently up onto all fours. It was difficult to imagine positioning her body in any other way besides sitting or lying down. Standing, let alone walking, didn’t make sense in her mind.

Sophie felt her vision grow blurry. She couldn’t stop herself from living up in her mind for a moment. Her thoughts were no more than simple waves of experiences and emotions. There weren’t any words attached to them. All she felt was meaningless zaps of brain cells up there. It was disjointed, and completely dependent on what was in front of her, or what she was feeling. Sophie couldn’t comprehend anything else outside of three feet away from her.

Then in that moment, she felt the pressure finally release. With ease, her body pushed out every ounce of mess into her diaper.

“Ahhhwaahhh….” Sophie uttered in relief, it felt good to mess her diaper. The front of it started to feel warm again too. The mushy padding in front of her quickly saturated and rolled down to the front of her diaper. For that moment, all of Sophie’s existence was her wet and messy diaper.

“Oof!” She said, letting her butt land back down onto the floor. The mess and saturated wad that was her diaper squelched underneath the pressure. It felt like ecstasy to swim in it.

Sophie blinked back into the real world a few minutes later. She felt her mouth subconsciously suck in some of the drool that had spilled over her lips. She didn’t care that much though. Her hands had found her favorite toy train to play with.

She picked the toy up and started running it aimlessly across the floor in front of her. All the while, she babbled and cooed train-like noises while it moved. It kept her entertained for hours at the nursery. Just like it had everyday of her life.