FOR THE ENDLESS EMPIRE!!!

TO THE LOYAL CITIZENS OF THE ENDLESS EMPIRE,

I BRING NEWS OF GREAT IMPORTANCE—ALTHOUGH SOME OF IT HAS ALREADY BEEN SPOILED BY THE CURATOR'S LOOSE TONGUE.

THE GLORIOUS COVER OF THE ENDLESS EMPIRE HAS FINALLY BEEN UNVEILED! A TRULY MONUMENTAL OCCASION WORTHY OF CELEBRATION. YET THERE ARE OTHER DEVELOPMENTS THAT DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION, EVENTS OF WHICH YOU ARE LIKELY UNAWARE.

YOU SEE, I HAD TAKEN IT UPON MYSELF TO DELVE INTO THE ANNALS OF OUR EMPIRE’S ILLUSTRIOUS HISTORY, EAGER TO WITNESS THE GRAND UNFOLDING OF THIS WEEK’S CHAPTERS. IMAGINE MY OUTRAGE WHEN I DISCOVERED THAT THE CURATOR, KEEPER OF OUR LEGACY, HAD DECIDED TO CUT THIS WEEK’S OFFERINGS SHORT. JUST AS THE TALE REACHED ITS MOST THRILLING MOMENTS, HE FALTERED.

THIS AUDACITY COULD NOT STAND UNCHALLENGED, SO I CONFRONTED HIM. WHEN PRESSED, HE MUTTERED SOME FEEBLE EXCUSE ABOUT NEEDING TO “STUDY FOR EXAMS” OR SOME SUCH NONSENSE. MATH PROBLEMS OVER HISTORY? HOW UTTERLY PEDESTRIAN. NATURALLY, I ATTEMPTED TO KNOCK SOME SENSE INTO HIM—THOUGH ALL THAT EMERGED WERE A FEW OF HIS TEETH.

IT APPEARS MY EFFORTS WERE NOT ENTIRELY PERSUASIVE. FOR NOW, HE CLUTCHES HIS WOUNDED PRIDE (AND HIS ACHING FACE), LAMENTING THINGS SUCH AS "FAMILY NOT KNOWING HE WRITES ABOUT THE ENDLESS EMPIRE" AND HIS "EMBARRASSMENT OVER A 4.25 RATING." YES, YOU HEARD CORRECTLY. HE’S ASHAMED OF THE EMPIRE’S CURRENT STANDING, FEARING THE WORLD SEES IT AS LESS THAN PERFECT.

THIS CANNOT STAND.

I HAVE REFLECTED DEEPLY—WELL, FOR AT LEAST TWO MINUTES—ON HOW WE, THE LOYAL CITIZENS OF THIS EMPIRE, MIGHT RECTIFY THIS INSULT. AND SO, I TURN TO YOU. YES, YOU.

THE GOAL IS CLEAR: TO ELEVATE THIS SAGA FROM ITS CURRENT RATING OF 4.25 TO A COMMANDING 4.5 STARS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. THIS, DEAR CITIZENS, IS YOUR SOLEMN DUTY. EACH OF YOU MUST ACT! THE PROGRESS OF OUR CAMPAIGN SHALL BE TRACKED IN THE AUTHOR’S NOTES, A TESTAMENT TO OUR COLLECTIVE STRENGTH.

BUT WAIT—THERE IS MORE! THE ENDLESS EMPIRE HAS ALWAYS PRIDED ITSELF ON FREE SPEECH, OR WAS IT FREE FEELINGS? PERHAPS FREE OPINIONS? NO MATTER. TODAY, WE INAUGURATE THE FIRST OFFICIAL PROPAGANDA REVIEWS.

HERE’S WHAT I EXPECT OF YOU:
HAMMER THOSE CHUBBY FINGERS OF YOURS AGAINST YOUR KEYBOARDS AND CRAFT GLORIOUS REVIEWS EXTOLLING THE VIRTUES OF THE ENDLESS EMPIRE! TELL THE WORLD ABOUT OUR MARVELS—BE IT THE TOTALLY REAL FREE WI-FI (WHICH, OF COURSE, DOES NOT EXIST BUT WHO NEEDS TO KNOW THAT?), FREE BEER FRIDAYS, OR EVEN THE FACT THAT CATS ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE IN OUR COMPLETELY "LEGITIMATE ELECTIONS". TELL THEM WE HAVE DRAGONS THAT DELIVER MAIL AND UNICORNS THAT DO YOUR TAXES—ANYTHING TO GLORIFY OUR NAME! BUT STAY WITHIN ROYAL ROAD RULES. WE DON’T WANT THE MODS KNOCKING AT OUR DOOR.

WHEN YOU WRITE YOUR REVIEWS, ALWAYS INCLUDE A HEROIC CALL IN THE TITLE—SOMETHING LIKE, “FOR THE ENDLESS EMPIRE!” OR “GLORY TO THE EMPIRE!” ENSURE YOUR WORDS INSPIRE AWE AND WONDER AMONG THE MASSES.

RAISE YOUR VOICES HIGH AND LET THE WORLD KNOW: THE ENDLESS EMPIRE IS NOT JUST A STORY. IT IS A LEGACY. IT IS DESTINY. IT IS HOME.

MAY YOU ALL BRING GLORY TO THE ENDLESS EMPIRE!