Monday update: the hell am i doing (again)

When i opened this page to start typing, the prompt in the text box said, "Honestly, write anything- your members will love it." Maybe I should take that mindset into the new year with me.

This site isn't supposed to be a diary but I know most of you guys on here pretty well, and if you're paying to be here (especially for the lack of content I've put on it, my god, im so sorry) I imagine you're interested in, or at least willing to hear my thoughts. Frankly, I'm doing shit. I've never had holiday depression before but I guess this is it? I'm just... sad and burnt out all the time. I started my new year with a mental breakdown (happy 2024 btw). But at the same time I kinda, felt pretty hopeful lately?

I tweeted last week that I wanted to take a break, for maybe around a month. I didn't really specify what it'd entail but to me it felt clear. I don't want to make things simply under the pressure that everyone is waiting for me to make something. That's the only way I've been making things since my video essay came out- I feel like a "public figure" now, at least in the animatronics fandom. Someone asked me to join their server yesterday and when I asked why they straight up said "you're famous." I feel kinda like a douche being all sad about how success changes you lmao but man this shit sucks! I've never been so strongly hated and harassed, but also so idolized at the same time, all by people I don't know. I never thought it would be so in-my-face. I never thought it'd be so fast. I never thought I'd hate myself so much afterward, and for so many reasons.

So I took, what, five days or something so far to do kinda absolutely nothing. It felt great, and I found myself actually wanting to work again, rather than just feeling like I shouldbe working, because everyone wanted me to. I started a new script, about FNAF and how I think its approach to horror has changed over the years. (FNAF also really has me by the throat lately, so I think this one has enough passion behind it to be more than a few days of interest.) But I'm also not exactly shelving any of my other scripts- I'll just work on them when I'm in the mood to work on them. That feels like enough, right? I also started learning HTML literally just for the fun of it- I barely know anything yet but it's relaxing to code, and I forgot how much I enjoyed it. You should look at my neocities site if you haven't yet: https://chimeramanticore.neocities.org

I guess to cut a long introspection short, I like working for no one. I like just doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like it. But what about you? A nebulous expectant audience is unrealistic to try to appeal to, but you guys on this Patreon page are concrete and real. I can count you. I feel like I owe you something, don't I? I don't even have a monthly for December because we recorded it late into the month and it's really long, and I should probably edit it but... it's long and I don't wanna lol. But I owe you something. Right?

I complained about this to Packtion the other day, and they asked me, "has anyone gotten on your case about doing more for Patreon other than yourself?" And I guess they're right. Y'all seem pretty quiet, honestly. I don't know if I'm doing anything wrong on this page, but I also don't know if I'm doing anything right. I don't want this page to be post after post of me looking for reassurance. But if you're paying for a product (me) I want to make it worth it for you.

I guess if you're even still reading this, this is my question for you this post. What do you want? Are monthlies enough? Do you want more? If I posted less would you care? Does it not matter to you as long as I stop making these kinds of posts? Why are you subscribed in the first place?

"Honestly, write anything- your members will love it." Maybe you're just here for me. Maybe I'm stressing over nothing? Maybe this post is art in itself. I dunno. Maybe I'm just making too big a deal out of myself lmao. Maybe I should go- I have shit to do.