Magic Item Monday - Ridiculous Magic Items

In reading through the old texts, whether it be for a Deep Dive, a Rewind post, or for Magic Item Monday research, I'm always coming across some of the most insane magic items you wouldn't believe. So this week is a tribute to just a tiny handful of them, which have been converted to the 5th edition to make them useful. Of course, they are still ridiculous in one way or another, so if and how you use them is entirely up to you. Below is each of the original items, so you, my dear reader, can get a glimpse into the insanity that was 1st and 2nd editions. 

Armband of Death
This  armband  appears  to  be  an  armband of healing, but when locked on the arm, the snakes of itsinsignia animate  and  bite the  wearer.  Both  hiteach  round,  with  no  attack roll  required.  Eachinflicts  one  point  of damage per bite  and requiresa saving throw vs. poison per bite—failure resultsin death. After the  snakes  are  animated,  the  arm-band cannot unlock until  destroyed

Bottle of Graffiti
This ornate brass bottle has a lead stopper covered with special seals and  Sigils that are better left untranslated.  If the stopper is removed,  four air elementals armed with spray cans pop out and paint rude slogans and obscenities all over everything (and everyone) in the area. They cannot be ordered back into the bottle or restrained in any way except by a censer controlling air elementals.

Wedding Candle (based on Candle of Convocation)
These large candles can be found in all sorts of garish colors. When one is lit, the lighter and the entire party find themselves instantly teleported to a high school pep rally in an alternate plane of existence, where they remain stranded until the candle burns out or until they lead their section to victory in the cheering competition.

Franklyn's Incredible Chair
Although this appears to be an ordinary wooden chair, when seated in the chariot, the user can see seven gems inlaid in the right arm.  These gems are actually controls.  The gems and their functions are:
•    Emerald:  Chair glides forward at the pace of a walking man.
•    Ruby:  Chair moves forward at the pace of a running man.
•    Diamond: Chair reverses direction, turning to face the opposite way.
•    Sapphire:  Chair turns to the left.
•    Topaz:  Chair turns to the right.
•    Peridot:  Chair slows to next slower speed, from running to walking, from walking to stopped.
•    Amethyst:  Chair stops—instantly.
All movements are silent.  The chair functions best on level ground,  slowing as a man on foot would for rugged terrain and halting in areas where a man could not walk. It will bear a burden of up to 200  Ibs, in addition to the weight of one human-sized passenger.

Silver Quipper Figurine (Based on Silver Carp Figurine)
When its command word is spoken, this 4-inch carp animates and grows to a length of 2 feet. The animated carp has beautiful,  scintillating scales of many colors.  If placed in water, the carp purifies up to 100 gallons. If held in the air, the carp produces a  stream of fresh water from its mouth, pouring one gallon per round.  If a second command word is spoken, the carp writhes, whether held, on the ground or in the water. Unless the carp is in total darkness when this occurs, light then reflects brilliantly from its scales. Any sighted creature within10 feet of the carp must make a saving throw vs. spell or be blinded for 2d4 rounds  (a successful saving throw indicates that the individual turned away or was not looking). While animated, the carp has 1 HD and AC 5 and has the usual vulnerabilities of these figurines. The carp may be used for up to one hour once per day.

Stick of Standing
The sticks of standing were developed to support Orlow's tomato plants. These are l4-inch-thick, 2-foot-long pieces of wood. When placed perpendicular to any horizontal surface, they remain standing unless moved by a living creature.

Lute of Puppies
When played by any character, this flute immediately polymorphs I d4 attacking creatures, of 4th level or less, into neutral puppies. When a bard performs with this flute, 1d10 attacking creatures (4th level and below) arc polymorphed into neutral puppies