Dear Old Dad

I wish I could say that my dad not being in my life didn't bother me. Don't get me wrong, most of the time I don't care, but there are times, like this weekend, that I do think a lot about my father.

For those who don't know, my dad left when I was 3 years old. The only memory I have of my dad is him arguing with my mother. I was screaming and crying in front of him, asking him to stop yelling at mama. I can't really remember anything, but that...and it bothers me. All I've known for so long is my mom as the father. Ultimately, I don't hate my dad at all. Do I disagree with his lifestyle, yes. Do I dislike him for always putting blame on my mother for him being absent from my life, absolutely; but, at the end of the day, I don't hate him.

My father was born and raised in Long Beach, CA, and was a rough neck, in a biker gang called The Grim Reapers. My dad is a pretty tough guy, and I guess you could say he did things that were...arguably awful, but that's the lifestyle. My mom was very smitten by him, and the heavily-tattooed gang member became a dad.

Long story short, here I am at 32 without a dad. Father's Day, to me, is an amalgamation of mixed feelings that I truly wish I didn't have to experience. Ya know, I grew up really, REALLY poor, and I always like to share my story of poverty, because I'm not ashamed of where I came from. I had a rough-ass life, but it was okay because of my mom being the leader of the pack. Albeit, when this dreaded holiday rolls around, I do find myself becoming slightly melancholy. Sometimes I find myself becoming angry at my dad for letting us struggle the way he did, or I often think how I didn't get the opportunity to go through college, because my dad left me. It's not his fault for what happens in my life, but there are times that I wish he gave a fuck...just a little bit....just a little bit enough to say, "I don't want you to starve."

You see, I'm not someone who denies the fact that some of my habits were based on what I experienced growing up. It's ignorant to say that our upbringing is not somehow based on what we saw as kids, but it's also ignorant to place blame on every poor decision BECAUSE of this. You can still have a good life and come from nothing.

When I was a kid, my bully, Sonia Curtis, used to ALWAYS call me "Cory Daddy Issues," and I hated her. Ever since that day, I've hated people that slander others because their parent left. I do wish I could have had the opportunities other kids had. I wish I wasn't the only kid in class without a dad, but shit happens, and there's nothing that can be done to change it.

And when I see the way Elin treats Jim. It makes me sick. It makes me sick because you have a father who put his daughter through college, paid for everything, and she graduate with ZERO debt. ...And I say to myself, "she has no idea what it's like to struggle." Jim, now, is suffering because of it. He has no 401k left because he sacrificed himself for HER. And then, again, I think back to my dear old dad and his blatant not giving a fuck. And it hurts...a lot.

And I'm writing this because, I love you all, and I don't want you to think because your parent wasn't there, that you have to relegate yourself to bad life. As stated prior, I don't hate my dad, but I do remember. And when every time something wonderful happens, and all the great things come along...I often times tell him that he's missing out.