Why I Stopped Modeling

There was a time a couple of years ago when the page you see today was very much different than now.

I was big into the metal scene and obsessed with buying every black metal tee I could get my hands on. I was severely unhappy, severely anorexic, and severely on the edge of wanting to kill myself every day. I was also a promoter for bands across the world, being sent free merch, being asked to pose sexy for some of the death metal bands here around Florida--and truthfully...I fucking hated it.

What they never tell you about modeling, is that you begin to become so obsessed with how you look, how you behave, and how you act that you start to develop a sense of hatred. Not only for the people around you but yourself. I can distinctly remember in the pictures above how much I hated my life every day. I said to myself, "why am I doing this?"

And why was I?

Getting free shit and being asked to model a shirt and show some skin was something that I truly detested each time I was asked. Not only was I inundated with hordes of men asking to jerk them off with my hair, or getting incessant amounts of dick pics...but I was also being published in articles BECAUSE of that. If you do a google search on my name, one of first things you may find are articles about "hair jobs," and guys, I'm honestly so appalled that THAT'S what I was known for. I became a staple in the diet of hair fetishists across the world, and I became a mockery of who I was and my true potential. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't cut my hair for anything in the world, and to a certain degree, I am happy that's one of my most distinguishable traps...but it's not me on the inside.

Modeling is a trap, you see, and while I do support everyone's hustle no matter how big or small--it's just, it can manipulate you into a monster you don't recognize. I started to lose touch with my potential and relegated myself to this pretty-faced bitch who was good at contorting my body in a manner that was suitable to the human eye. My first music video gig was, by all rights, a way just to see me in fishnets seducing a man. And again, I fucking hated myself. I felt I was being pimped and exploited every day. And what's worse, I was the one doing it to myself. As much as I wanted to blame all these bands and people for doing what they were doing, I had to swallow a pill I barely managed to swallow.

I was the only one I could blame.

I was the one that kept up the persona of a cold-hearted bitch that never smiled, and this facade of being a big shot, when I was realistically no different than the next Insta model a wandering-eyed boyfriend would follow. It wasn't right that these people would send me the things they did, but in a world where we are so quick to denounce reality, it's only real life to not think you would receive images like this. It's shitty, it doesn't make it right, but at some point, you have to accept that it's REAL life. I didn't like being hateful in every picture I posted; I didn't like being known being a face and not a human, and overall, I didn't like being an object.

I ditched it, denounced it, and well, said "fuck you" to a life that served me none. I found out pretty fast that I DID like smiling, and WAS capable of so much more than wearing a shirt and showing some skin. I'm not here to shit talk people that do it, but I guess what I'm saying is, don't think that you need to be nude to or act a certain way to get the respect you DESERVE. I still on occasion speak about my hair and still wear those band tees, but I realized that my true potential was helping, supporting, and builiding this beautiful community of folks on here. Platforms like this are the reason I quit, and if I were still doing modeling to this day--I think I would still be that girl doing things that ended in a very dark place.