I Wish I Was the Person People Thought I Was

What's it like when things don't go as planned? To put it plain and simple, it sucks. It fucking sucks. I wish I could lie and tell you all that each time I put on latex, adorn my skin in stale blood, and squat on the bathroom floor and piss, that a masterpiece ensues. Well, it doesn't, and in fact, it happens more than you probably think. These pictures abound I thought would be a success, but they failed miserably.

You know, if I've learned anything this past year, it's that when you reach a certain level of "excellence" per se--what's expected of you is insanely stressful. The old saying of a hobby is still a job rings true, and realistically, though we love what we do, it's still just that--a job. I'm not going to lie and say that what I'm doing now took a day, week, or even a year; it takes years to develop an identity, brand, and build a foundation upon which to stand. With those responsibilities, comes the stress of making sure that everything is answered, sent, and shared.

And sometimes life gets in the way. So, we naturally beat ourselves up, sulk, and let the infection of self-doubt permeate our precious mind and inflict damage on what we have worked so hard to build. The sad reality of being an artist is not as cut and dry as our stories may suggest. For every time that I used precious blood on my face, there's been double that time that something has failed. It's frustrating and infuriating--especially because blood is hard to come by, if you catch my drift!

Working three jobs and being an artist on the side is extremely stressful, but the long-term dream is what keeps me alive. There are times that my fascination with my art cycles in my brain so much that even I get tired of doing it. But, what most people have to remember is that you have to let things flow without resistance. Sometimes, you need that break; sometimes, you need that drink; and sometimes, it's okay to not want to do your thing for a little bit. Self-care is a necessary part of living a life immersed in limelight.

Within the next couple of weeks I'll be getting a Wikipedia page, and truthfully, I'm nervous. Things are going to change for me in a big way. With my first film, my first stage performance in Norway...there's a lot I'm fearful of, but as a wise woman once told me, "pray for a difficult situation, and be thankful for the lesson." And it's true. We often times tend to divert our fear away from our inner monologues and lull our minds to sleep with honeyed words, but where solace is present, fear must be the ingredient that produces a perfectly melded stew of balance.

You must face adversity head on, my friends. While being in a difficult situation is not easy, it is an integral part of growing as an individual and learning stoicism. Take away from this monologue the idea that you are the strongest person in your life. Do not hope that each piece of art you produce is great, but hope that each piece is a lesson in creating that next masterpiece. I love you all. Do all things with courage, strength, and passion.