All Right! Fine! I’ll Take You! – Zaimokuza Gaiden – Chapter 1 [Complete]

Disclaimer: So that this story fits inside of Patreon’s Community Guidelines, it’s been revised so that it occurs in an AU where all the characters are legal adults. This includes the characters not involved in sexual events. Everybody is an adult, without a single exception. Sorry about the inconvenience.

The ominous ringing of the phone sounds against my ear like the tolling of the bells of a church with a dark secret that I have yet to come up with, but that will surely rock off any editor’s socks off!

Really, it’s not like a professional writer needs to have a good idea about what the actual solution to the mystery is before publishing the last volume! J.J. Abrams sensei says so!

“Yes?” The indolent, almost apathetic voice of my kinsman answers my call! He’s as coolly detached as a ninja who owns a dog café, as always.

“Hachiman! My noble vassal, it is now time for you to fulfill the compact we both engaged in so long—!”

“I’m hanging up.” Ah, as expected of my ancestor’s patron deity, his dignity is not to be trifled with.

“W-wait! Don’t hang up; you wouldn’t abandon your comrade in his moment of need, would you?!”

“Fine… It’s not like I was using those brain cells that are already committing suicide, anyway.”

“Ah, to brag once again of your superlative mental powers—”

“Hanging up.”

“Waaaaait!”

“Get to the point, Zaimokuza.”

“Uh, you see, I require your assistance in a field that I have yet to brave, yet you have no doubt successfully navigated already with success—”

“The. Point.”

“I have a date!”

Only silence greets my hurried proclamation. Of course, one as deft in the battlefield as Hachiman will no doubt exhaustively ponder any and all possibilities before choosing the ideal course of action and charging ahead like—

“I am hanging up.”

“Whyyyyyyyyy?!”

“Look, I have no time to waste with your imaginary girl—”

“She’s not imaginary! I have a date with Sagami!”

“… Come again?”

“Sagami Minami? From your class? Dark, reddish-brown hair cut in a bob, gray eyes, big boo—”

“I know who Sagami is, Zaimokuza, I just want to know how you have managed to land a date with Miura’s defective clone and why isn’t the sky being torn asunder as the seventh seal is released—dammit! Forget about that last part.”

Ufufu. ‘The seventh seal is released,’ yes, that will pair up nicely with ominous bell tolls.

“I think she was challenged by her minions, and now she has to prove her worth by accompanying my heroic, gallant self—”

“Punishment game. Right. Got it.”

“Must you be so negative about everything?!”

“When you of all people are rubbing in my face that you have managed to land a date before me? Yes. I pride myself on my pettiness, you know?”

“What? Haven’t you made a harem for yourself, Hachiman?”

“… A part of me knows what you are talking about. Too bad the rest of me is beating him up and telling him what will happen to his family if he ever snitches.”

“Wouldn’t that be your own family—”

“The point, Zaimokuza.”

“Uh… That I have a date and I want your advice?”

He sighs, as if letting go of any earthly woes with the simple act of expulsing the no longer fresh air from his body. How manly.

“Right, the punishment game. You do realize what’s going on, don’t you? You don’t need me to tell you that someone from Sagami’s rank lowering herself to our level is nothing but a prank forced on her?”

“I—I mean, I wouldn’t put it in such harsh terms…”

“Do it. Nothing less than this will spare you the suffering. Zaimokuza, if you go in there with any hope whatsoever, it will be crushed. No need to go through that when you can just be objective about the issue.”

“I—I may understand what you are saying, but…”

“No. No ‘may,’ no ‘if,’ no ‘she actually likes me but is too bashful to admit it.’ You know what Haruka and Yukko did during the sports festival—”

“Who?”

“… Haruka and Yukko? Her two closest hangers-on? They decided to sabotage Sagami for shit and giggles?”

“Uh, maybe I remember something like that?”

“… They were the two girls who said the cavalry battle was too unsafe.”

“Ah! Those wretches who tried to interfere with my efforts! Indeed, the vultures shall have their comeuppance soon enough. I dare say—”

“You are even more self-absorbed than I thought.”

“Thank you!”

“It wasn’t a… Never mind. Look, if somebody is going to destroy what remains of your meager self-esteem and grind it under his heel, that’s gonna be me. Sagami is likely trying to fit in with her usual circle, and this is her penance for daring face up to them last time. I can come up with a plan to get you out of this without any issues, just let me—”

“Hachiman… As disturbing as your moral support is, I… don’t want to get out of this?”

“Zaimokuzaa… I just told you…”

“Yes, right, and I…” Deep breaths, Yoshiteru, deep breaths. No matter how much your pants’ waistline complains. “I already knew this wasn’t something… I don’t know, genuine? But it’s still the first time a girl has asked me out. I just want… my friend to give me some advice?”

He sighs once again. Quieter, not as over-dramatic, with a hint of exasperation mixed with something else. I can easily picture him with a lit cigarette as he lets smoke lazily drift upward with nary a glance. Ah, how manly.

“Sure. Let’s plan your date.”

“Thank you, Hachiman! I knew my brother in arms wouldn’t desert me in such a—”

“Hanging up.”

“Whyyyyyyy?!”

***

‘You want to be there early. She will likely arrive late and say something cutesy like “I hope you weren’t waiting for long,” and the expected answer is “No, I just got here.” That is likely the least conflictive thing you can say, but it depends on how assertive you are feeling. That is, just say that and save yourself the trouble.’

As expected, the wisdom of the harem gatherer has yet to fail me, because it’s been twenty minutes since the agreed-upon time, and Sagami has yet to show up. Truly, his foresight in the dating field is as keen as what he displayed in battle. Love is war, after all!

“Hey. Let’s get going already,” Sagami says as she walks past me without even looking back, nonchalantly displaying her confidence in being followed.

“No, I just got here!”

She pauses at the line, shooting me a weird look over her shoulder until I (not nervously) rub the back of my head.

“Riiiight…” And she sighs. Ah, how manly.

I rush up to her level (because she resumes walking without waiting for me).

“So, I was thinking a movie and tea afterward?”

‘You don’t have any common ground. A movie is a good way to start the date, because it will spare you from painful conversation and then, when it is over, you will have a common topic to discuss.’

Sagami raises an eyebrow at my assertive display. All right, the advice seems to be working, so far.

“Sure, whatever. As long as you are paying.”

‘I am a firm believer in not paying for a date. It shows you are pushing your expectations on her at best, and makes you a simping credit card at worst. That being said, I doubt Sagami shares my point of view. Simp away, Zaimokuza.’

“Of course. What kind of man would let his date pay for a movie ticket? I have taken the liberty of buying the tickets already.”

She nods in what seems to be reticent approval, and we make the rest of the way to the movie theater swiftly and without incident (nor conversation—truly, my kinsman’s insight is as keen as expected).

“So, what are we watching?” she asks while we line up to buy popcorn (and ramune, and those chocolate-covered peanuts that just—uh… and varied sundries).

‘A good raijuu would likely already know the tastes of the girl and propose something she will be happy with, or even something romantic that lets him discreetly throw his arm over her shoulder or even hold her hand like a degenerate. You are nota raijuu. Don’t even try to guess her tastes, because you will fail, and don’t try to get her involved with your tastes until she is at least tolerant of them. Instead, don’t show her a movie you want her to like, but a movie you cannot stand her disliking. It would have been a dealbreaker anyway, so don’t worry about pleasing her.’

“I… They’re showing Princess Mononoke. I have already watched it a few times, but I like it… a lot?”

She looks at me with surprise, but nods without protest. Success!

After getting our supplies, we make our way to our seats and watch the trailers and increasingly plentiful ads. Paying so much money to get subjected to a stream of publicity is a bizarre experience, and makes me think of salarymen spending their paychecks on women who sit and spit on them. It still doesn’t make sense to me, but a good author should be broadminded!

‘If you see any of those around, give me a holler,’ interjects the quasi-Hachiman voice that sometimes tries to bring me down, but my fortitude is enough to withstand its barbs!

‘So “fortitude” means “lard.” Good to know.’ Shut up, inner Hachiman. We are on a date.

The movie finally starts, and I get dragged in like I always do. The weird feeling of having an attractive girl sitting by my side is quickly replaced by the marvel that the gorgeous scenery inspires in me, by the subtle feelings the superb animation drags to the surface, by the emotional voice-acting. At the appropriate points, I almost manage to hold back my manly tears, running slowly down my face as if through a sunset-facing Kenshiro.

Sagami also seems to like it, but I don’t pay too much attention, to be honest.

After the credits, we march out of the cinema and make our way to a classy café nearby. It doesn’t even have maid uniforms or cosplaying waitresses!

So we sit and order our respective beverages, Sagami quietly sipping on her coffee slushie’s straw while I twirl my tea with my spoon, trying not to make a racket while I most definitely not look nervously up at her.

“So, did you ask my brother?” She says after a while.

“Uh? Your brother?”

“Drop the act. Nerdy, tall, thin, challenged you to board games of all things?”

“Wait… Shigeru Sagami is your brother?”

She looks at me, slightly dumbfounded.

“What do you mean? We have the same surname! The twerp even has copied my hairstyle!”

“I thought it to be mere happenstance! Ah, I see fate has brought me closer to the younger sibling—”

“There’s nothing fateful about his weird challenges for nerd supremacy.”

“I disagree! Fate can be seen in every action! Every meander of the river of time is a sign about what one may find downstream!” Sagami, forced to recognize the depth of my strong beliefs, groans in defeat as she covers her face.

“Right. So you haven’t asked him what my favorite movie is. One stalker point deducted, congratulations.”

“Ah! Princess Mononoke is your favorite movie? That is such a relief!”

“A relief?”

“Yes, a dear friend of mine counseled me to bring you not to a movie I thought you may like, but to one I could not stand you disliking. It would be far better to do away with pretenses if there was some deep-seated incompatibility from the start.”

“That’s… I never thought of it like that. Your friend seems to know what he is talking about.”

“His prowess in the field of romance is long-storied.”

She chuckles at that. Yes! Good going, Yoshiteru, they say the way to the heart lies through the sharing of mirth.

“Hard to believe, but I will have to take your word for it,” she brushes her hair back, her pink earring flashing with the movement, bringing my sight to her delicate earlobes that I—uh. Focus. After a moment, she looks at her empty glass and then back up to me. “Well, it seems like I have finished my drink, and I don’t feel like ordering anything else after what we got at the movie theater…”

“Ah, would you then like to go for a walk?”

She hesitates, before a small smile lights up my day—I mean, her face.

“Sure. Why not.”

***

I don’t know much about the area, but we manage to find a street lined up with some interesting-looking shopping stalls, and Sagami seems to entertain herself by looking at the displayed items amid short bouts of conversation.

“So, you are hanging out a lot with the little twerp, aren’t you?”

“Sagami is an outstanding individual, and I am proud to call him a comrade in arms.”

“… Do me a favor and call him Shigeru, will you? It will make this slightly less weird.”

“Ah, but isn’t weirdness the spice of life? Isn’t dreadful normalcy nothing but a bore that pushes down the masses?”

“Zaimokuza…” she vacillates, seemingly unable to fully express her appreciation for my words.

“Yes, Sagami?”

“Shut up and tell me what you think about this bracelet.” She points at a thin circle of metal lying on the mantel in front of us, apparently uncaring of the contradiction in her instructions.

“Ah… Its slender band of silver, coupled with the three garnets, would beautifully compliment your gray eyes and the reddish hue of your hair when gracefully hanging off your delicate wrist.” Oh, she’s blushing. I wonder if I said something wrong, unthinkable as that may be, given my prowess with the written word.

That rarely translates to the spoken word.

Or that, according to the fiendish Yukinoshita (and how Hachiman has tamed that demon of ice will remain a mystery for the ages), never translates to the written word either.

Sagami, say something and deliver me from these monstrously editorial musings!

“I.. thank you.”

“You are welcome? It’s just pretty.” Don’t say ‘like you,’ don’t say ‘like you,’ don’t say ‘like you ’…

“Yes, it is. Well then, let’s move on.”

For a moment, I am tempted to just buy the jewel for her, and then I look at the price tag—nani?! Do you know how many light novels I can buy with that? How many Gundam models? How many eroge—never mind.

So I follow after Sagami, whistling innocently like anime has taught me I should do in these circumstances. If one cannot trust the romantic advice of such masters as Urashima Keitarou or Manaka Jumpei, then, truly, humanity is doomed to fumble around in the enigmatic darkness of the heart while desperately grasping for an answer that may not exist.

Oh, I should write that down…

Taking a few steps forward, I see Sagami has stopped in front of another stall, this one full of miscellaneous occult goods. Interesting.

I give it a once over while the old woman attending the stall plies her trade.

“A young thing like you… I see bad luck has befallen you, young lady,” I reallyhope that look she shoots me is not meaningful in any way. “What you need is this talisman to banish evil spirits, blessed by the yuta of Okinawa themselves.”

Sagami seems to listen to that nonsense. I guess it befalls me to save her hard-earned savings from being misspent.

“That is a standard ofuda dedicated to Amaterasu.”

“Oh, you have a keen eye, young man—” she starts to say in what a charitable man might call a slightly panicked tone. Thankfully, being well-acquainted with the likes of Hachiman and Yukinoshita, I don’t feel shackled to the plebeian concern with charity.

“And why would a yuta, a shaman of the Narai Kanai Shinkou faith, bless the kind of ofuda that one might find in any temple in Tokyo?”

“Ah… The glory of the Sun Goddes transcends the limits of the land and—”

“If you don’t stop, I am going to google this and tell you from which page you downloaded it.”

She shoots me a mean-spirited glare that I need all the courage built over multiple clashes with Hachiman and Yukinoshita to withstand. Ah, scary! Old swindlers are scary!

“I will just take my friend here and leave, if you don’t mind…” Sagami says in a small voice as she starts dragging me away by the sleeve of my trenchcoat.

How refreshing. I wouldn’t mind being carried like this more often.

“So, how much of that did you pull out of your ass?” She says when we are a few steps away from the irate shopkeeper.

“Uh? What do you mean?”

“That whole thing about that being a standard Amaterasu ofuda and… you know. That.”

“I didn’t make any of it up? Astounding as my creative process is, I need to have a slight grounding in reality, at the very least.”

“Wait, wait, are you telling me you study actual magic so you can write about it?” She looks at me over her shoulder with curiosity. She still hasn’t let go of my sleeve.

…

Ah! Don’t blush, Yoshiteru, just tell the pretty lady everything she wants to know!

“Well… I…” I swallow as I try to come up with something that may be palatable to uninitiated audiences without drifting into the despicable lands of untruth. I finally give up. “I have a legitimate interest in it, beyond fiction, I mean. It is… fascinating.”

I now realize we have stopped walking and I am facing Sagami, who has tilted her head to the side as she looks at me with intrigue clouding her features.

“Really… Well, tell me about it.”

I goggle at her, not daring yet to believe the chance presented to me.

“Are you sure? Not everyone is interested in the… intricacies.”

She smiles now, and it seems to me, though it may just be my fanciful reckoning, that it is a freer smile than the ones I have seen throughout the rest of our date.

“Sure. Come on, start talking.”

***

It is after a couple of hours that we stand in front of the train station, just as I bring to a close my impromptu lecture on the commonalities between the concept of Taoist inner alchemy and the expected results from the dutiful following of the practices of Shugendou, and how fascinating it is to see so many parallels between a discipline mostly dedicated to inner discipline and one that seeks unity with the spirits of the world.

Sagami hasn’t interrupted me once, just asking for clarification and further elaboration.

Is this love? Tell me, Hachiman, Lord of the battlefield of Love that is War, is this actually love?!

“I… I should be going,” Sagami says, with a hint of what may actually be remorse?! Yes!

“I understand. I had a most excellent time, thank you for accompanying me on this day.” Considerate, gallant, may I even say corteous? Yes! Nailed it, Yoshiteru.

“I…” She brushes her hair back as she looks aside, not meeting my eyes. “I may… I mean, I didn’t expect it to, but I…”

I await with saintly patience her answer to my proclamation.

…

Come on! Speak up already!

“I also had fun, actually…” she says, with a thread of barely audible, yet musical voice.

Hachiman, I shall light a candle upon your shrine!

“I am glad. I know you were forced to do this, but I would have felt bad if you actually had to… you know… waste your evening.”

“No! Not at all,” she hurries to amend my impressions. “I mean, it’s true that Yukko and Haruka were mean to treat a date as a punishment, and maybe I shouldn’t have gone through with it, but I…” She hesitates, her head still to the side even as she looks up at my imposing figure that is no doubt dramatically highlighted by the low sun casting its reddish rays through my silver hair. I can’t fault her for dithering.

“Truly, you have been most direly affronted by those who would call themselves your friends. Yet I am sure your genuine strengths will overcome the trappings of those who need to rely on others to stand firm.” A loner’s teachings won’t desert you when friends may, after all.

Sagami chuckles and looks up at me in a way that makes me want to squirm and yell ‘moeeeeeeee!’ at the top of my lungs. How powerful are her mental techniques!

“I sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it, you know? Maintaining the façade just for the sake of shallow relationships that can just turn on you whenever it suits them…” Oh, a fellow loner in disguise. How fortuitous.

“Isn’t that the nature of the game? A person can only have so many deep connections before they all turn shallow. It’s a matter of choice, and those who live in groups have made theirs clear.”

“I don’t think it’s that clear-cut… But you may have a fraction of a point.”

“Of course I do!” I boisterously laugh at her slight chuckle. “After all, who better than a veteran loner to see from the outside what cannot be discerned from the inside?”

“Right. I am just so glad you didn’t turn out to be like that gross Hikigaya…”

I… I may have heard that wrong.

“Hikigaya?”

“Yes, he…” she seems to waver before making up her mind. “He’s just the worst. Everything that went on during the Sports Festival… if he hadn’t treated me like that during the Cultural Festival, none of that would have happened. I don’t even know what his deal is… but I hate it.”

Oh.

“I… I see. He’s a… peculiar fellow.”

“Peculiar? Try weirdo. Always looking creepily at people, as if dissecting them. He acts like he’s so much better than us when he’s the one who is a friendless freak.”

“I am sure it’s not quite that bad… I mean, he seems to get along well with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama…”

“Ha! And I am starting to wonder if he has some kind of blackmail on them. Why would two girls like that follow after a creep like him?”

Why, indeed.

“I think… there’s genuine affection there. It doesn’t matter their background; if they can connect, find something in common…”

“Yukinoshita is an elite among elites, and Yuigahama one of the top beauties of the school; what could they ever have in common with someone like… him.”

I see. Hachiman, as usual, your foresight has been keener and more unpleasant than I expected.

“You may be right. Well, farewell then, Miss Sagami.”

“Eh?”

“I think your train may be leaving soon, and I wouldn’t want to subject you to my company for longer than necessary.”

“Uh, I guess I… Wait a minute, Zaimokuza, are you getting rid of me?” There’s incredulity in her tone, which seems rather incongruous given her tirade.

“Far be it from me. I am just pointing out the facts.”

‘And if everything goes down in flames like it will likely do… Don’t get confrontational. Be polite. Politeness is high-grade armor in any social confrontation, he who discards theirs is the first to lose.’

“Uh, I guess the time kinda ran away from me.” Sagami takes out her phone to check the hour. Something she hadn’t done since our chat started in earnest.

“Just so. Safe travels, Miss Sagami.”

“Ah, right… Listen, do you think we could, I don’t know, keep chatting a bit more? Some other day?”

‘Girls usually don’t give straightforward refusals. It’s always something like “I am busy that day, because I have to wash the dog’s hair after my grandmother’s funeral.” Do the same. Don’t be forceful when there’s no need to.’

“I am sure that would have been enjoyable. Fare thee well, Miss Sagami.”

And I turn around and wave at her over my shoulder before my voice gets strangled. Because of course your first date would end up in tears, Yoshiteru, who were you trying to fool?

***

“So…” Hachiman’s voice trails off after he picks up the phone. It seems that, for once, he’s hesitant in her choice of words. How kind of him.

“It… didn’t work out.”

“Oh… I am sorry to hear that. Do you want to plan revenge?” And I can’t help my snort at his immediate offer. Truly, a brother in arms to the end.

“No. It was no one’s fault.”

“I would say the two bitches who maliciously put you up to this aren’t precisely innocent.”

“Still, theirs was a small evil, and it would be petty to pay them in turn.”

“Oi, I am proud of my pettiness, you know?”

“You have often claimed so, yet I remain unconvinced of its merits…”

“Pettiness is akin to the survival of mankind. Tigers are big and strong, so we avoid them, as any sane, non-shounen protagonist should do, right?”

“I… guess?” I must confess I don’t always follow the twisted meandering of his logic, but it is always amusing to try.

“Then one tiger catches a peasant unaware. He eats the poor bastard, and what do all those sane humans do?”

“Hunt the man-eater?”

“Hunt? Hunting is a dignified profession, a test of skill, the cunning of man against the might of nature. No, they don’t hunt him. They exterminate him.”

“I am not sure I get the difference.”

“Then picture a whole village of very pissed-off people who may have drunk a bit after the funeral marching through the jungle, all of them carrying torches and spears, ready to burn down the tiger’s lair and stab to death anything bigger than a housecat that looks at them wrong.”

“Ah… very graphic, indeed.”

“Precisely. Now, picture that happening every time some stupid beast forgets who has claimed the top spot of the food chain, over centuries of petty, systematic violence, and now ask yourself why everything on four legs runs the fuck away whenever they so much as catch a glimpse of a human being prancing through the forest like a cartoon character. Pettiness, thus, is fundamental in saving lives. To be human is to be petty, to refuse pettiness is to refuse salvation.”

“Hachiman, have you ever thought about writing Kotomine Kirei fanfiction?”

“I am not into slash.”

“Uh, yes, that may be a problem. It may also break Totsuka’s heart.”

“Oi, fatty, don’t get ahead of yourself just because I am in a forgiving mood.”

“You just tried to convince me to orchestrate a revenge plan and praised the systematic murder of anyone who ever wronged you!”

“Exactly. And that’s me on a good day.”

I can’t help it, I start laughing like a madman.

After a while, his scratchy voice comes across the phone once more.

“Hey, Zaimokuza… Are you feeling better?”

I stop to think about the answer. I am… not yet feeling like my usual self. Tomorrow is Monday, and I will have to see her again—though we don’t share the same class, so maybe I will manage to avoid her… But tomorrow is tomorrow, and today…

“Yes, I think so.”

“Glad to hear that. Take care, fatty.”

“Take care, my kinsman.”

And I hang up before he can let out a vitriolic retort. Because, by this point, I already know Hachiman well enough.

***

The morning classes have been as tedious as usual, because, apparently, schoolwork doesn’t care about a mending broken heart. Ah, how terrible, how cruel, how editorial!

Still, there’s a solace awaiting me after the tolling of the bell (which, unpleasant as it is to ponder, can be not ominous under certain circumstances), and so it is with eager anticipation that I take out my lunchbox as my fellow classmates start drifting toward their preferred spots for the period.

The classroom door opens to let them out, and, after they have started emptying the room, I can see a figure standing there in wait.

Sagami Minami.

Our eyes cross, mine in open astonishment, hers narrowed unpleasantly, and she stomps decidedly into my classroom before rushing up to me and grabbing the front of my shirt.

“You. Me. Lunch. Now,” she growls as she pulls me up from my seat.

I… may need an adult?

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This was commissioned about a month ago by the incredibly generous aj0413, who paid 25k words in advance. It will be regularly updated every Saturday from now on until the word bank runs dry, and hopefully a bit beyond, if the story catches on. Please, enjoy the haphazard adventures of an aspiring, out of shape writer who doesn’t know what the Hell he’s doing, neither with women nor with his work. And Zaimokuza’s story too, I guess.