Yikes, I am REALLY not doing well, huh?

Anyone who knows anything about me probably knows that I'm depressed. I've been depressed most of my life, to the extent where I don't actually remember any point of my life at which I was not depressed. It sucks. It reframes how you see everything, and turns every last positive aspect in your life into something hateful. It systematically destroys every piece of support you manage to build up during the rare periods where the depression quietens, meaning that every time you attempt to recover from it, you get dragged straight back down to rock bottom.

Sometimes my depression is bearable. Sometimes I can deal with the depression that I'm constantly faced with. Other times, it is all encompassing. I find it impossible to see the things I create as anything but terrible shite, and even when I have the energy to push through it and try to create something new, ideas don't even come to me. Seriously, for the past two months, barely any interesting ideas have managed to squirm their way into my head, and hell, I can't write without having things to write about.

It's not all a barren creative landscape though. There's a few things I think about writing, and the vast majority of them make me break down into tears. My favourite kind of thing to write is utopic sci-fi, and unapologetically positive queer fiction in general. The only problem with that is that the moment I'm writing about the life of a trans person, I end up feeling so jealous of them that I have to lie down and cry for a while. I'm not going to go into details here, but I've been desperately trying to gain access to HRT since I was 14, and I'm still no closer than I was back then. I vehemently loathe every aspect of myself and writing about people like me that are able to love themselves hurts too much for me to manage.

I hope I get better at this soon. I hope I can get back into writing. I hope it doesn't take me until July for me to get over this again. I just want to get back to work.