Hungry For Hulu

Yum Yum eat em up, that's what i say when the prey is near. I pick up my spear... and i throw it. Into a buffalo's big meaty rear. Here's two happy hungry food shows i smelled wafting out of my hulu screen.

Fuck, that's delicious

This is a travel foodie show starring that big fat rap master, Action Bronson. I respect the man for making music exclusively about Sega Genesis and 80s WWF. He's a man after my own heart, and I also enjoy eating big food. But the problem with these kind of shows is that I don't wanna watch people traveling and eating, i wanna do it myself. It fills me envy and rage.

Plus, its not like the guy is some knowledgeable chef. He's just a big fat rapper, and his enterouage is annoying. The conversations these guys have around the table are insipid. It's like if jesus gathered everyone for the last supper and the all started belching and farting.

I bet the reason Action Bronson is so huge isn't because he's a hedonistic foodie, but because he stress eats. The life of an artist can be a silent battle. That's why i smoke Backwoods and can't afford food. Action Bronson can live on a bus with his friends and stuff his face happily, but i can't even enjoy a show about delicious food when all i can smell is my own cigar stink.

Kitchen Nightmares

Of all the 10,000 shows with that sellout Gordon Ramsey, this is the best one. He goes into people’s shitty restaurants, eats their sloppy food, tells them why they suck, and then explains how to be better, which they almost never listen to. Despite his best efforts to save these assholes from themselves, most of them go out of business the second he leaves. 

It fills me with great joy and gives me a vicarious thrill watching any kind of professional yell at stupid morons for not doing their jobs right. But the best episodes are the ones where the food is actually good, or Gordon actually likes the restaurant, and there’s some other problem that can actually be solved without too much resistance or hassle. 

These heartwarming moments are rare and to be savored. Most of the people on this show are just incompetent buffoons who seem to resent the very show they signed up to be on. Perplexing. Gordon’s criticism is tough but fair, like how I refuse to leave a tip when the waiter farts in my soup, or when the waitress doesn’t. 

The Bear

This is one of those prestige dramadies where the joke is that everyone's stressed out and miserable all the time. This Willy Wonka lookin fuck inherits a restaurant and has to make it worth a shit, but everyone's too busy yelling and screaming at each other to get anything done.

Some people say this show is too stressful to watch. Those people are pampered babies. Running this little restaurant would be a literal cake walk compared to my daily trials. This show's pretty pretty cool, and it's got that black girl in it that I like. That's the secret ingredient for a show I'll watch.