Tubi Tales: Brothers in Harm

I got some damn fine and groovy tubi movies for ya. Movies about bros being bros. Brothers in arms, brothers in farms, brothers in genocidal massacres, and brothers in the trade of their chosen profession, which is the most polite and sane way i can describe the first film of the evening.

Dead Ringers

This wildly demented Cronenberg feature is about twin Gynocologists who like to seduce their patients and take turns banging them. Not creepy and weird enough for you? Let me finish. Both twins are played by Jeremy Irons. Yeah, exactly. Now it’s something you need to see.

Irons is the all time master of portraying superficially charming and strangely sophisticated perverts, and he gives two very different, but equally insane performances in this one. This dude is simply captivating to watch, he could read cheat codes out of a Tips n' Tricks magazine and make it sound as sleazy and slimy as Nabokov’s most lurid passages. 

Based on the premise, I don't know what I was expecting, but it kept surprising me. You can not predict where this movie is going, so don’t even try. But I assure you, it goes. It goes hard, and it goes wild, and when it arrives, you’re gonna feel like you took a long ride on the What-The-Fuck-Train.

I don’t wanna give too much away, but this movie is fucking psychotic. Watch it if you love having weird nightmares and seeing Jeremy Irons being an unhinged freak. Avoid watching it if you have a vagina and don’t wanna be traumatized.

Rams

In this one Sam Neil is an old man who raises sheep and hates his brother, who also raises sheep. It’s a family drama, and also kind of a disaster movie. 

There’s a deadly and highly contagious sheep virus going around so the government is making everyone kill all their sheepies. Sam Neil says fuck that, and hides them inside like they’re Anne Flank.

He and his brother live on the same land, but never speak, and soon realize they must overcome their disdain for one another and work together to stealthily shepherd the flock somewhere safe.  They both love those dumb smelly animals so much that it heals their hateful relationship. 

All of that probably sounds like the most boring hillbilly movie imaginable, that no one would ever watch, for any reason, ever. Well, I can’t argue with that, but I did watch it, and I did like it. Almost as much as I liked those big fat rosemary lamb steaks that Wal-Mart doesn’t sell anymore. Bastard corporation, probably hoarding them all to themselves.

Hotel Rwanda

This is one of those true story movies, and also one of those genocide movies, and also one of those Don Cheadle movies, so I'd be shocked if it hasn’t won 50 awards. This crazy shit happened in the 90s, when Bill Clinton was too busy getting blown to lift a finger about it. Only one man had the big fat balls to say fuck it, everyone can hide out in my swanky hotel.

The real guy this is based on has basically been a target ever since he did this hero shit. Assassination attempts, kidnappings, exile, time in prison. They could make 5 sequels to this if they wanted. The ongoing saga of one African Chad. And by "African Chad", i obviously mean an an African who is a Chad, not an African from Chad. He's from Rwanda, dummies.

Black hawk down

All you need to know about this movie is that 5 minutes into it, i turned to my cat and said “this game sucks”.

She agreed.