Tubi Tales: Hood Movies and Good Boobies

Buckle up, whitey. I'm taking you to the hood today. This is what real life is like. This is how it be in the inner cities of this crumbling cunt-country. Gangsta shit, vampires, and butt-kickin babes with big bouncy boobies and beautiful black afros.

That's the kind of shit we dealin with out here that you suburban kids don't know about. That's why I'm here to educate you. So you better listen, and don't go snitchin, or my trigger finger's gonna be itchin, ya bish. You're about to witness some fine funky crimes and some hot rockin knockers. Now can you dig that, sucka?

Coffy

This is my favorite movie now. Pam Grier is the hottest babe you’ve ever dreamed and she spends half the movie with her voluptuous bouncing jugs out, wild and free. These are some seriously handsome honkers, some real bonafide breasty-boobz, some GREAT GODDAMN GAZOOMS! 

What's the story? She's coffy, and she's real pissed offy. Those lawbreaker lowlifes got her sister hooked on smack so she does a little hookin of her own to lay the smack down. She becomes what is now referred to in polite circles as a "sex worker", but it's all an act, really she's a death worker.  

That's the premise. The finer details of the plot... are her finer details, and she's fine all over, from plot to petunia.

The coolest thing about the movie, aside from Pam’s Perfect Power-bags, is Pam herself. She’s awesome. In fact she's so cool, she'd still be cool even without her massive motherfuckin milkers, the fact that she has them is just a big bouncing bonus. Did I mention how big and cool they are? 

The best parts of the movie are when she has the bad guys where she wants em, and starts cutting promos on them. She's out for revenge and it’s very personal, so she alway makes sure to deliver a furious fuckin tirade on the scumbags about how much they suck and how bodacious her bod is. I could listen to Pam Grier yell at guys for being pigs for as long as I could watch her running around with her unga bungas out, and that’s a pretty long time. Like, forever.

Blacula

This is a far more famous movie than it deserves to be. People just love the name, Blacula. It’s inherently memorable and as such is regarded as a blaxploitation classic. But I finally saw it, and it kinda sucks. It’s boring, and lame. The vampires look like shit, the plot is listless, and it’s not even all that funky or cool like other flicks in the genre. 

The one good thing about it is Blacula himself. He’s got a certain charisma. I like that he just goes around and hangs out in nightclubs without anyone noticing or caring that he’s a vampire. If you saw a guy dressed in a Dracula cape anywhere else, vampire would be your first guess, but because it’s the 70s and he’s black, he just looks like a pimp. That’s pretty cool. 

There’s barely a story. Blacula is an African prince who goes to visit Dracula of all people, imploring him to somehow end slavery. I don’t understand what his plan was, and clearly it doesn’t work out. He gets vamped and wakes up in modern day, looking for a replacement for his dead wife. 

That’s it, that’s the whole story. He just kind of wanders around the city, occasionally killing people, until the girl he likes dies and then he kills himself by shambling into the sun. Pointless and gay. He's an icon, but his movie sucks. More like Wacula.

Training Day

If you thought Blacula was scary, that fool ain’t got nothin on Denzel, here in one of his most legendary roles. This dude is an absolute menace, one of the all time movie scumbags. 

He’s a crooked ass cop who’s supposed to be showing little baby Ethan Hawke the ropes on his first day. Oh he shows him some things alright. He teaches that boy all kinds of important lessons, the main one being don’t trust Denzel, ever.

This is one of those prolonged anxiety attack kind of movies. One of the first things that happens is him bullying Ethan Hawke into getting high on angel dust. Then he goes off and gets up to all kinds of even fuckier shit, and eventually just decides to leave our boy alone with some gang bangers to get killed, because he’s just that much of an asshole. 

Ethan Hawke survives that though, because he actually was doing his job earlier and saved the gang banger's cousin. This all leads to a showdown, but here I am telling you the whole story of the movie when you should just watch it yo damn self. It’s a classic, fool.