Midnight Pals: Signals

[a scottish castle with a 4 foot fence]
JK Rowling: finally!
Rowling: after yearss of sstruggle, i have achieved my life goal
Rowling: to be the final arbiter of lesssbianisssm
Rowling: i'm not gonna let some uppity lessbianss tell me what they are!

Rowling: but what'ss next for JK Rowling?
Kathleen Stock: dark lord, its time for a new era in evil
Stock: it's time to pivot to racism
Rowling: a brilliant gambit! no one will sssee it coming!
Rowling: well actually i think everyone ssaw it coming
Rowling: but still

Stock: it's time to hang up my larynx measuring calipers
Stock: and bring back my skull measuring calipers!
Stock: [caressing calipers] oh Pinchy, how i've missed you!
Stock: no one's every gonna take you away from me again!

Stock: anyway it's not racist to say that black people have a special extra muscle in their legs that makes them good at crime
Rowling: excussse me i'm getting a phone call
Graham Linehan: dark lord! it's me! your best friend graham linehan!!!
Rowling: shit

Linehan: i, your most loyal minion, urgently request your help post haste!!!
Linehan: have i not served you faithfully these many many years??
Rowling:
Rowling: how did you get this number

Linehan: i've been framed by the famously pro-trans british police!
Linehan: as we all know, there's no greater friend to the trans community in this country than the police
Linehan: that's why they're so always so welcome at Pride

Linehan: sempai notice me!
Rowling:
Linehan: sempai!
Linehan: sempai!
Linehan: sempai notice me!
Linehan: sempai!!
Rowling: [quietly disconnects]

Rowling: ugh thisss ssuckss
Rowling: i should be assssociating with the real upper crussst
Rowling: i mean, i'm sssuper rich AND ssuper transsphobic
Rowling: why am i not in any of those evil billionaire ssignal chatss?

[evil billionaire signal chat]
Marc Andreessen: hello this is the signal chat for evil billionaires with perfectly egg-shaped heads

Andreessen: have you ever seen such a perfectly egg shaped head as i?
Andreessen: i maintain
Andreessen: you have not
Tyler Winklevoss: does anyone want to buy an ape?
Winklevoss: anyone?

Erik Torenberg: oh man marc andreessen is so smart
Tyler Winklevoss: he's the smartest
Tucker Carlson: no man with such a perfectly egg shaped head could be dumb
Carlson: my calipers wouldn't lie to me at a time like this

Andreessen: hey does anyone else here hate woke
Torenberg: yes
Carlson: yes
Winklevoss: yes
Andreessen: does anyone else here hate pluralistic democracy
Andreessen: maintain low tones!!!

Andreessen: ugh, pluralistic democracy sucks ass
Andreessen: there's got to be a better way
Andreessen: hmm what if we created a dictatorship of tech elite with perfectly egg shaped heads?
Andreessen: and know just the tech elitist with the most perfectly egg shaped head for the job...