Midnight Pals: the trans mummy returns

King: hey clive i read online that you were pro trans rights
Clive Barker: what an odd thing to say
Barker: why ever would you feel the need to remark on that
Barker: when it's the obvious opinion held by all right-thinking people
Barker: but yes

Clive Barker: ya know, i had an idea to make a trans version of the mummy
King: really? i don't remember that coming up before
Barker: oh no?
Barker: then enjoy this midnight pals classic™ about my trans mummy idea
Barker: you better fuckin enjoy it cuz we got nothing funny to say today
[theremin flashback sound effect]

Barker: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the mummy
Barker: but I got a twist for ya
Barker: what if this time
Barker: the mummy
Barker: was
Barker: tra
Dan Simmons: THAT'S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD
Barker: ns

Simmons: how are you gonna know if a mummy is trans?! archeologists would just LOOK at the mummy's pelvis and KNOW the mummy's BIOLOGICAL SEX
Barker: uh no
Barker: it would be obvious
Barker: this mummy wears a choker
Barker: probably with a big ol' scarab on it or something

Barker: of course ancient egypt considered cats sacred, so naturally my trans mummy wears cat ears
King: right, right
Barker: and post orchiectomy she carries around her balls in a canopic jar
King: sure, sounds legit
Simmons: I AM
Simmons: SO MAD ABOUT THIS

Barker: i really think my trans mummy idea has some legs
Barker: where's joanne? i wanna tell her about this haha
Poe: she's not here tonight clive
Barker: oh what a shame haha
Barker: maybe i'll just head over to her scottish castle to tell her haha
Poe: clive
Poe: clive

Poe: clive don't be an instigator
Barker: me???? an instigator??
Barker: edgar
Barker: you wound me
Barker: i'm not instigating i just really think hahahah she's gonna be SO FUCKING mad
Poe:
Barker: C'MON! it'll be funny!

Barker: hey joanne guess what
JK Rowling: shut the fuck up
Barker: haha what? i didn't say anything
Rowling: i know you