Midnight Pals: Sex guide

Graham Masterton: it may interest you to know
Masterton: that when i'm not writing horror
Masterton: i'm writing sex guides
Barker: oh yeah? how's that work? i thought you were british
Masterton: i
Masterton:

Barker: how you gonna write a sex guide when you're british?
Masterton: you're british
Barker: ah ha ha oh you got me ha ha ha!
Barker: this guy's good
Barker: he's real good!

Edward Lee: bro you write sex guides?
Masterton: yup!
Masterton: like 'Mr and Mrs. Erotic Briton'
Masterton: and 'Tepid Sex Teatime Soiree'
Lee: bro

Lee: bro i'm trying to get my buddy howard laid
Lee: you got any advice bro?
Masterton: let me see the client
Lovecraft:
Masterton: ah
Masterton: no i don't

Lee: bro c'mon bro
Lee: help my bro out here man he's dying
Masterton: ok um well
Masterton: ok first you need to woo the lady
Masterton: try buying her some chocolates
Lovecraft: [sweats] oh i can't do that

Lovecraft: I've heard chocolate's from Belgium
Masterton:
Lee: oh i shoulda mentioned that
Lee: my bro here is racist against Belgians
Masterton: yeah no that's right and proper
Masterton: fuck Belgium!!!

Masterton: but actually chocolate's not originally from Belgium
Masterton: it's from south America
Lovecraft: what??? that's even worse!
Lee: yeah bro you're not really helping your case bro

Lee: bro c'mon give my bro some advice on how to get a lady
Masterton: well my expert advice is
Masterton:
Masterton: have you considered just jerking off?
Lovecraft: [sweats]

Graham Masterton: listen ladies
Masterton: here's a tip that'll really rive him wild in bed
Masterton: next time you're out hiking, pick up a small flat stone


Masterton: and when you're getting in the mood
Masterton: surprise him by pressing it against his perineum
Tabitha King:
Sonia Greene:
Angela Carter:
Masterton: that means his taint
Tabitha King: oh! his taint! well, of course

Masterton: they love me in Poland!
Masterton: see, they erected this statue of me as a dwarf
Barker: oh yeah they gave you the Keebler elf hat and everything
Masterton: it's not a Keebler elf hat!
Masterton: it's a dwarf hat!
Masterton: there's a difference!

Poe: why are you a dwarf?
Masterton: you know, because
Masterton:
Masterton: look, it's because
Masterton: look, dwarves are very important to the polish people, okay?
Masterton: they're, like, really big in their culture!
Masterton: really big!
Masterton: not literally, tho

Barker: yeah for real, why are they putting up statues of you in Poland
Poe: it's probably like when they put up that statue of me in boston
Barker: i thought you were from Baltimore
Poe: yeah but i did visit boston once
Barker:
Barker: yeah ok sure that counts