Midnight Pals: A Whale of a Tale

Darren Aronofsky: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the whale
Stephen King: wow! sounds like a whale of a -
Aronofsky: do not patronize me

Aronofsky: i am no peddler of cheap thrills
Aronofsky: no two-bit carnival hack frightening children with spooks and spectres
Aronofsky: i am an artist laying bare the true horror of human existence
Aronofsky: like what if a guy ate 2 pizzas

Aronofsky: this is the story of a guy who's so fat
Aronofsky: that when you see him, all you feel is disgust  
Aronofsky: but not in a trashy way
Aronofsky: But it’s all shot by Herb Ritz so it’s really beautiful and you feel sorry for him

Aronofsky: ok picture this
Aronofsky: this guy is so fat, he doesn't eat like a human
Aronofsky: he eats like a monster
Aronofsky: like a cookie monster!
Aronofsky: it really makes you think

Aronofsky: just imagine
Aronofsky: he's making anchovy & nutella sandwiches
Aronofsky: limburger & siracha cake  
Aronofsky: you know, just eating like a cartoon character
Aronofsky: but we'll play the jaws theme while it happens so you know its scary

Stephen King: my god, this is the most terrifying story I've ever heard!
Aronofsky: just wait
Aronofsky: imagine we turn up the constant snorting & belching that a fat person does so you don't miss a SECOND
King: my god!!
King: and they call ME the master of the macabre!

Aronofsky: ok so the fat guy is a professor at a college
Aronofsky: but he's so fat that he has to zoom his lectures
Aronofsky: i've been working on this script for 10 years but its really lucky that covid happened or this detail wouldn't really make sense

Aronofsky: but when he's in the depths of a pizza binge, he emails his students all "fuck essays!! write me something honest!!"
Aronofsky: like some real dead poets society shit
Aronofsky: but turns out his students are nerds who love writing essays, so they get him fired instead

Aronofsky: in his last lecture, the fat guy is all "some of you wrote essays of heartbreaking honesty"
Aronofsky: and then he reads those essays to the whole class
Aronofsky: which would be kind of fucked up
Aronofsky: but luckily they didn't actually say anything interesting

Aronofsky: they all wrote "my parents are annoying"
Aronofsky: and "sometimes i feel sad"
Aronofsky: but the fat guy is so moved that he turns on his zoom camera
Aronofsky: to reveal the awful truth of his fatness!!
Stephen King: this story is getting way too scary for me

Aronofsky: the kids are shocked!
Aronofsky: they thought he kept his camera turned off because he was a chiseled adonis
Aronofsky: but now they know the awful truth that their professor is fat!
Aronofsky: then the fat guy smashes his computer
Aronofsky: in a fit of fat rage

Stephen King: wow! this story is terrifying! it just gives me chills!
King: maybe we can have a nice happy story to calm us all down next
King: hey meg why don't you tell us that nice story about the pill?
Meg Elison:

Elison: what
King: yeah you know that happy story about the pill that lets you lost weight instantly?
Elison: that's not a happy story
King: what? yeah, it is!
King: they lose weight!
King: now that's what i call hopepunk!
Elison: OH
Elison: MY
Elison: GOD