Midnight Pals: The Big Knish

John Baltisberger: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this
Baltisberger: the tale of Schlomo Spade, Kosher Dick
Lovecraft: [sweats] oh no
Lovecraft: [sweats] o h n o

Baltisberger: there’s also a kaiju involved
Lovecraft: [stops sweating] oh good
Baltisberger: the kaiju is also jewish
Lovecraft: [sweating resumes] oh no

Baltisberger: it was raining in the big Knish
Baltisberger: the kind of rain that was thick
Baltisberger: like matzo ball soup thick
Baltisberger: Schlomo Spade was in his office
Baltisberger: when in walked trouble
Baltisberger: trouble on a real pair of pulkes

Baltisberger: she was hysterical. Shiksa usually are
Baltisberger: said she had a case for me
Baltisberger: apparently a couple of dybbuks were making trouble up in schlamazeltown
Baltisberger: “not my beat,” I said “get yourself a rebbe or maybe even a cohen”

Baltisberger: “I’m just a two-bit gumshoe slash exorcist slash ritual kabbalah magician”
Baltisberger: “though my mother wanted me to be a doctor”

Baltisberger: schlomo spade get the call to investigate a new crime
Baltisberger: seems some nogudnik is taking big shits on torahs all over town
Baltisberger: I’ve tangled with this schmuck before
Baltisberger: zombie toilet jesus
Baltisberger: [sucking on atmospheric cigarette] just another nittelnacht in the city

Lovecraft: i-i
Lovecraft: I don’t know what any of those words mean
Lovecraft: but their alien tonalities rasp on my delicate anglo-saxon ears like the croaks of an Italian
Baltisberger: well good news
Baltisberger: it’s not Italian
Lovecraft: oh good
Baltisberger: now here’s the bad news

Lovecraft: I still don’t understand these words
Baltisberger: don’t worry, I’ll footnote them
Baltisberger: all of them
Lovecraft: oh no that’s too many footnotes
Mark Z Danielewski: you are¹⁸ like a little²³ baby⁵⁶ to me³⁴⁵⁶