Midnight Pals: Penguins on Parade

Edgar Allan Poe: i feel like there's been way too much drama here lately
Poe: too many cranks just venting obsessions and paranoias!
Poe: can't we just hear a nice, simple, old-fashioned horror story?
HP Lovecraft: i-i've got one
Poe: ...son of a bitch

Poe: ok howard let's hear it
August Derleth: wooo! yeah!
Derleth: go off Howard, you got this!
Lovecraft: y-yeah ok
Derleth: a-grade storytelling, right here! modern master!

Lovecraft: a premise occurred to me one night while in the throes of fitful sleep
Derleth: yes! yes! tossing and turning! sweat that plot out
Lovecraft: about an ill-fated expedition to the Antarctic
Derleth: cold as ice! chilly like my willy, baby
Lovecraft: p-please stop

Poe: ah, the South Pole
Poe: a promising location for a doomed voyage
Poe: not to spoil anything but
Poe: they all drown in the magnetic whirlpool, right?
Lovecraft:
Poe: that resides at the bottom of the world, right?
Lovecraft:
Poe: perhaps they're slaughtered by hostile peoples of the inner earth?

Lovecraft: n...
Lovecraft: no, there's a continent there
Poe: oh, fantasy! fun!

Lovecraft: even the beginning of this terrible journey is fraught with peril
Lovecraft: for they must encounter that most loathsome of all birds
Lovecraft: THE PENGUIN
Clive Barker:
Barker: ah ha ha
Barker: oh man
Barker: let's fucking go, curtain up

Dean Koontz: i like penguins :)
Koontz: stephen let me watch happy feet
Koontz: it was funny
Koontz: except for the seal
Stephen King: we had to fast-forward past the seal
King: and the orcas
King: pretty much the entire second half
Koontz: i like when they dance

Lovecraft: b-but these are no ordinary penguins
Lovecraft: the average penguin is black AND white
Lovecraft: a hideous mixture in itself
Lovecraft: yet these massive creatures are ALBINO

Lovecraft: so pale as to be mistaken for snowdrifts at a distance
Lovecraft: you might say they are passing for white
Poe: uhh
Derleth: shhh, let him cook

Lovecraft: t-the group found a perplexing frozen specimen
Lovecraft: i-it was only when they discovered the ruins later that they realized it was a being of great intelligence
Lovecraft: for, you see,
Lovecraft: the thing had no skull to measure

Lovecraft: millions of years ago, the Old Ones flourished upon the continent
Lovecraft: they built a society dedicated to pure scientific achievement
Lovecraft: yet, in the cruelest irony
Lovecraft: they were overwhelmed by sheer brute strength
Barker: lol
Barker: get owned nerds

Lovecraft: i-it was a most grand civilization
Lovecraft: accomplished universities. safe to slither the streets at night
Lovecraft: and then a certain kind of creature
Lovecraft: i shall not say whom
Lovecraft: took over
Lovecraft: and the property values... they plummeted

Derleth: okay look i'm getting a little sick of all of you calling Howard a bigot
Derleth: i keep telling you he's simply a man of his time
Lovecraft: the shoggoths were faceless slaves of the deepest black hue
Lovecraft: possessing a fiendish malevolence to compensate for their lack of a brain
Derleth:
Derleth: oh and i suppose you're just going to take THAT out of context

Lovecraft: most chilling of all the shoggoths' attributes was their infernal piping
Lovecraft: it imitated the structure of the Old Ones' music
Lovecraft: but it was as if they spoke rather than harmonized it
Lovecraft: and inserted coarse references to anatomy

Lovecraft: there were indeed some horrors in this house
Lovecraft: and they were wet and gushy
Lovecraft: no bucket or mop would suffice

Lovecraft: they escaped with their lives, yet Danford was tormented by visions of the shoggoth unto madness
Lovecraft: for knowledge of the unknown has a terrible price, and death and ignorance are our only mercies
Lovecraft: the end
Derleth:
Barker:
Poe:
Koontz:
King:
King: so, Dean, I have this DVD of Norm of the North

John W. Campbell: say, that's a pretty good yarn, but couldn't more happen with the shapeshifting
Campbell: what if the shoggoth was able to fully mimic its human prey
Campbell: then the threat could be both external and internal
Lovecraft: a-a THING like that?
Lovecraft: fully ASSIMILATED among men?
Lovecraft: there is cosmic horror, sir, and then there is simply bad taste

(Thanks to guest writer my pal Morbiose for help with this thread!)