Midnight Pals: The Real Victims

[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have good newsss
Rowling: I have ssuccesssssfully ssssued my criticssss into sssilence
Rowling: my british criticssss, that is
Rowling: [mumbling under breath] lousssy ssstinking americansss

Rowling: confound those americansss!
Rowling: with their free ssspeech!
Rowling: and their maverick, can-do attitude!
Rowling: AND their yankee ingenuity!
Rowling: did you know that they put actual spices in their food over there?

Helen Joyce: no they don’t, I’m sure that’s just a myth
Joyce: like intersex people
Rowling: no it’s true
Rowling: they have all these ssspicessss
Rowling: like
Rowling: cumin
Rowling: and
Rowling: oregano
Rowling: it’s awful, they really irritate my Jacobsssson's organ

Jesse Singal: mommy mommy help me
JK Rowling: oh here comesss a sssspecial boy
Rowling: whatsss the matter jesse
Singal: it was that big bully gretchen felker-martin
Rowling: FELKER MARTIN
Rowling: why that
Rowling: OOO how I hate
Rowling: OOO i wish i had sssome eyelidsss to narrow

Rowling: what did she do jesssse, tell mommy all about it
Singal: well see
Singal: i was just minding my own business
Singal: thinking about the importance of inspecting childrens genitals
Singal: you know to make sure they're gender-conforming
Rowling: right right of courssse

Singal: [sobbing] and then out of nowhere she said
Singal: [sobbing] she said
Rowling: there there baby let it all out
Rowling: tell mommy what she said
Singal: [bravely holding back tears] she said

Singal: [blubbering, snot gushing from nose] she said i was responsible for fostering a moral hysteria that kills trans people!!
Singal: [ugly crying] just because i was ask
Singal: [ugly crying] ask
Singal: [ugly crying] asking questions

Singal: [ugly crying] she was mad at me because of the murder of a trans teenager
Singal: [ugly crying] it was like she didn't even care that i was the real victim
Singal: [ugly crying] cuz people were very very mean to me online
Rowling: oh yesss baby i underssstand

Rowling: that felker martin!!! first she kills me in her book
Rowling: which is exactly like dying in real life
Rowling: now she insssultsss my ssspecial boy!
Rowling: well!
Rowling: i won't sssstand for this anymore!!
Singal: [sobbing] what are you gonna do
Rowling: i'm going to build a 4 foot fence SO tall...