Trash Of The Royal Family: CH003

-CHAPTER 3-

-JOFFREY BARATHEON POV-

Needless to say, the breakfast was awkward as heck.

Everyone except Robert was there- probably lying somewhere in a drunken coma –and by that I mean, all the Lannisters… You know, the primary “villains” of the series?

Cersei, Jaime, Tyrion, Me, Tommen and Myrcella.

Sure, Cersei was probably the only one who truly deserved that moniker on this table but that didn’t mean others didn’t do fucked up shit too- including the original Joffrey. All except my brother and sister… they were the only ones truly innocent on this table.

And it made me feel even more complicated when I remembered their original fates.

Tommen would kill himself when he see what his own mother had done- blowing up a good chunks of Reach’s nobility and a lot of innocent civilians because of her jealousy and anger. 

And the last thing I know about Myrcella was that some Dornish Knight had attacked her and scarred her face… And if this took after the show then she would die too.

But I was like 90% sure this world was following the books. The only evidence I had was mine and everybody’s looks matching their book counterparts but I was willing to bet. But to be honest not many things were different between the two mediums until the last two seasons.

Moving back to the topic at hand. She probably wouldn’t have had a good ending in the books either.

That’s just what happened in this fucked up world after all. No happy endings for anyone.

At least this time, they hopefully would not have those bad ends happen to them.

-And that made it even more awkward for me to act like the OG. Despite my tries I couldn’t- for the life of me -act like that shithead even though I had 16 years worth of memories telling me exactly what to do!

My nature was just different.

So that was why I just stayed silent and distant most of the time as Tyrion and Jaime laughed at some jape, Myrcella and Tommen followed my example and ate silently, and Cersei gossiped with some of her handmaidens.

I can see why people said she was perhaps the most beautiful woman in all seven kingdoms. I thought as I observed everyone on the table from the corners of my eyes, eating another bite of the elk steak on my plate. Hmm… Needs more spice.

Cersei looked very different from the actress in the show, if I had to say then she looked almost magical.

She had long luscious, curly blonde hair with emerald green eyes and fair skin. She had a slim but graceful figure with full breasts and wide hips. Wearing a fine deep sea green colored gown over which she wore a fur coat- because even in what was supposed to be ‘summer’, North was a little too cold and windy for people from the South –and adorned in tens of different kinds of jewelry that no doubt valued equivalent to a small noble house’s whole treasury.

She was definitely a MILF. I nodded like the cultured man I was. Too bad her personality is worse than a rotten apple.

I drank another sip of my goblet, nodding at the fruity taste even water seemed to have. At least they mix in some wine in this so that bacteria and fungus die… Not that I can assume they even know what bacteria is.

At least I didn’t have to worry about getting some medieval disease from just drinking water. Truly I am part of royalty here.

A satisfied smile crept up my face as I took another bite of the meat- even if the spice was bit on the low side it was still cooked to perfection. 

Near me Tommen flinches as he sees my smile, quickly focusing back on his plate as he starts shivering. Hmm, wonder why? Did he catch a cold or something?

-But then I remembered the very dire future ahead of me and my good mood evaporated like the dreams of dragons that the Unlikely had during the fire of Summerhall.

Honestly my life would have been just peachy if I was in “normal” medieval world- one primarily with no magic sorcerer assassins, no undead ice zombies and no flying fire breathing lizards. Politics were almost bearable in front of those things!

But it wasn’t, and I had made the situation worse by adding kaijus to the mix. And now I had to find a way to kill them when they eventually threatened my kingdom.

Sure, while I wanted Bobby B to live a long life- so that the war doesn’t start –I had no illusions about the fact that his lifestyle would be the death of him that is if Cersei didn’t arrange his assassination first.

So yes, sooner or later this would be my kingdom if I managed to emerge victorious in the many events that were going to be taking place in the next decade.

That brought me to another point. Preventing the War of Five Kings from happening. Keeping Bobby B alive was a band-aid; because once he dies the rest of the power hungry vultures would still swoop in. That is if Dany doesn’t come back with her Dragons and army of slaves and savages.

Gacha was an unreliable element in all of this. Kind of like a wildcard. It could make all of my problems vanish with just a single overpowered roll… but the chances of that happening was slim and as I said unreliable.

I shook my head. If I tried to think about all the elements before acting then I wouldn’t be able to act at all… So what is my first step?

I chewed my lips as I arrived at the solution with determined eyes.

Preventing North from becoming an enemy would be a good first step. If I could make them my allies then even better as they would give me the legitimacy I would need to keep the throne against Renly, Stannis and Aegon.

Plus they would be the first line of defense against the enemies in the North. But to do all of that I would have to somehow prevent both Bran’s fall and Ned Stark coming to the South…

Stopping Bran’s fall- and subsequent assassination attempt -would stop the Starks from becoming my enemies. And preventing Ned from coming to the south would stop him from getting stuck in the webs of Baelish and Varys while also primarily stopping him from finding out about my bastard origins.

Both of these would be crucial in making sure they stayed my allies, and Ned Stark’s honor would bind him to defend my position then. Especially if I give him back the New Gift as my first order as the king…

If I did so then two of the Seven Kingdoms- Westerlands and North -would firmly be on my side regardless of what anyone else says. With North, the Riverlands should also come in a package as Robb shares blood with the Tully.

The Reach and Stormlands would side with Renly as long as he was alive. Vale was lost to Lysa Arryn’s madness and Baelish’s machinations. Dorne could not be trusted even if I served them both the Mountain’s and Amory Lorch’s heads on a silver platter. And the less said about the Iron Islands the better.

But the main question was how would I do all of that? Stopping Bobby B’s stubbornness of having Ned as his Hand was almost futile and stopping Bran’s fall could prove to be problematic if he still saw the proof of my bastardry…

I still had time to think though. Bran wouldn’t fall until a few days after our arrival in Winterfell.

I guess I could also start fostering some loyalty in the Crownlander Noble houses? I rubbed my chin in thought. But something told me that it wouldn’t be as easy as I was thinking it to be, even with Novice Charisma at my disposal.

It was frustrating that my lack of experience and knowledge about these things could potential define my doom, and yet I could do nothing to solve it in the immediate future- except maybe by reading books. I guess my life as a salary man really didn’t prepare me for this stuff. 

And there were practically no teacher I could trust to guide me in this that wouldn’t try to manipulate me at the same time. Even Tywin would rather just turn me into a figurehead than teach me how to rule.

There were multiple examples for me to follow though. Like the loyalty based on fear that the early Targaryen’s had built on the back of their dragons- that I didn’t have, or the loyalty based on convenience that the Targaryen’s after the Dance had brought- that I also didn’t have.

Maybe the loyalty based on charisma, martial might and justice against injustice like Robert himself had used…

There were so many options… yet all of them carried their own obvious problems.

But in the end, I only had to start small. Martial based respect it is then!

For one, it was the easiest way for me currently. To make my name through participating and winning in tourneys.

There was a reason half of the seven kingdoms had risen in support of Robert. And it was not just because he was the grandson of a Targaryen. It was also because he was a warrior akin to myths and legends in his prime.

Westeros and the Andal Culture in particular practically demanded physical martial might from their kings and lords- even above intelligence. Because to them, a weak man was a weak king. 

That was why people at least bothered remembering Maegor the Cruel- other than his actions –compared to someone like his brother Aenys. Who was famously remembered for the multiple rebellions in his reign.

To start with that I would need to build up my body from the ground up. Joffrey really didn’t make much progress in his physical prowess despite wanting to…

Maybe it also had to do a little with Cersei’s constant mothering of him but he was exceptionally lazy despite wanting to excel martially and gain his Robert’s approval.

Not anymore! Like hell, I was going to waste something like Battle Growth because Cersei became a little mother hen! 

The Hound would probably agree to train me without a fuss. And he was probably the best guy to do so too. Jaime would just tattle and the other Kingsguard were probably too busy guarding the drunken king.

I stood up as Cersei looks at me in askance. “I’m done.” I reply before she could say anything and quickly walk out of the tent with my cloak fastened to my shoulders.

Today was going to be long journey. I knew, we had just crossed Moat Caitlin yesterday so Robert had wanted to sprint the next two days until we arrived at Winterfell.

So tomorrow then, training early morning! I’m sure Sandor would not appreciate me springing this on him tomorrow but I couldn’t take the chance of him tattling to my mother.

Let’s see if I inherit Joffrey’s skill of riding a horse!

…

[EDITED FOR SPELLING MISTAKES]