After AnimeCon 2: Everyone's Personal Business

    In splendid awkward fashion, Rebecca seemed to arrive at the turn-off to Aunt Mattie’s driveway just behind Will’s rusty old van as it was pulling in. So she slowed, unsure whether or not she should give him a friendly beep of recognition, and then followed him on down the long path, pulling in beside him as he parked. She wasn’t particularly close to William or Michael, but she did remember them and Tanya going to the last Bear Valley Renn Faire along with Emily. Like most college-aged guys there, Michael and Will had taken to swinging padded glaives at each other with unbridled enthusiasm… but they were newbies, the kind which had to be outfitted in drab ‘loaner’ tabards to wear over their mundane clothes, because they didn’t have their own garb.

    After they both shut off their engines, Rebecca hit the button to unlock her rear hatch and stepped out, and likewise saw that Will was going around his van to open up his back doors.

    “Hi, Will!” Rebecca flashed him a smile and a wave.

    “Uhh,” Will stared at her for a moment, squinting in apparent confusion in the dim light. “Candace?”

    “Rebecca, actually!” Rebecca took the mistake in good stride. “We met at the one renaissance faire, I—”

    “Right right, Rebecca,” Will nodded, eyes roaming up and down her figure as if to confirm this. “Yeah, sorry. I uh, I should have guessed? Since… you’re dressed up in like, a medieval tunic again, already? For some reason?”

    “Just getting back from a bit of a campout,” Rebecca confided, leaning deep inside the rear hatch and grabbing the leftover pack of strawberry-flavored Pedialite. “Do you need a hand?”

    “Uhh, yeah, actually,” Will said. “If that’s cool.”

    “Of course!” Rebecca said, closing the hatch of her Suvaru.

    Crammed into the very back of Will’s dark van—which smelled a bit like musty clothing and appeared to be just a curtain behind his living space in there—were a stack of six pizza boxes, atop which were several more take-out containers of food stashed away in carry bags. There were no drinks or drink carriers apparent, so Rebecca just stepped in and simply grabbed all of the carry-bags in her free hand.

    “Can you manage with the rest?” Rebecca asked.

    “Yeah, yeah no problem,” Will said. “Thanks. I’m actually a lot stronger than I look? I swear. Was actually hitting the weights a lot, back in December. I do this all the time.”

    “I didn’t say anything!” Rebecca laughed, ambling down the yard towards the house. It’s just pizza, you’re not exactly hauling lumber or roofing slate. “Just, yeah—be careful and don’t drop anything!”

    “Hey wait—wait up!” Will called. “Probably a weird question, but—do you have a boyfriend?”

    “Why?” Rebecca teased. “Are you asking just because in group chat everyone’s saying Brian’s single, now?”

    “What? Ugh, no, I meant like—”

* * *

    Introducing their lives to each other had conversation with Candace inevitably turn from their jobs to their personal life, and for both of them it turned into a bit of a therapy session as they were forced to grasp large swaths of their life which they were typically too close to to see. And then articulate them to a stranger. For him to sum up a great deal of different events that were difficult to work through, Brian went from a pretty troubled and abusive home life, to stumble out at eighteen into a group of friends that were much more like proper family—the people gathered here around this very fire. 

    Candace listened to him with interest, and her quiet fascination with him and his story only seemed to amplify the attraction that Brian was trying to put a lid on. Her own story was just about the inverse of his; she had lived an idyllic perfect life with a loving and supportive upper class family and friends, and had been on a fast track through law school to where a lucrative position at a law firm had long been prepared for her.

    Then, a random weekend fling saw her pregnant with Tobias.

    “I fell in love with him before he was even born,” Candace shrugged and put on a wry smile. “My parents were just, yeah. Mortified. Mom kept talking to me about abortion, which back then I thought we completely supported. I guess that changed, when it came to my Tobias? I became the hypocrite. My dad, he had pulled every string to set up this perfect career path for me, wanted me to—I don’t even know, anymore. Do whatever I had to, to make sure I didn’t lose track of everything I’d been working so hard towards, throw all that away. Find a surrogate family for Toby, put Toby up for adoption, stuff like that. Which, I realized right away I wasn’t going to be able to do. I couldn’t. Toby, he was mine. My friends all—well, some kinds of life circumstances have this nasty way of revealing who your real friends really are.”

    “Yeah,” Brian gave her a sober nod. “Can definitely understand that.”

    “Not their, fault, really,” Candace said. “I guess I just became a different person? One I never thought I’d be. Because, suddenly Tobias was all I could think about, and all of the stuff from before—the associate position, law school, everything—just… stopped mattering much to me, anymore. The guy I’d uh, I’d been with, from that fling? He’s a good guy, he stepped up and we did try real hard to make everything work, somehow. For a while. But, maybe I’d changed too much, or both of us had? I don’t know. It didn’t work between us, and I feel like we were lucky to realize that early on, before we really made each other just absolutely miserable.

    “I realize that I, uh,” Candace let out a bitter laugh. “I’m not exactly doing a great job of selling myself, here, am I? I just feel like finding out you’re already in a big weird relationship thing came as some sort of relief, and the stress of—I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought I needed—or what Tanya thought, but it’s like this has been even better? Just feeling like I can open up and vent, instead of doing the whole dating dance thing, where I’m trying to be careful and dance around things. It’s like I can just talk to you.”

    “Know exactly what you mean,” Brian offered her his hand. “But—yeah, this is way better. No pressure, or anything? Easier to just bare my soul about a lot of stuff that’s, yeah, hard to talk about with everyone. With anyone. What my parents did to me. How my ex treated me, and how much all of that was really fucking me up. It’s weirdly nice? Cathartic?”

    “Yeah,” Candace looked deep into his eyes, taking his hand and allowing her fingers to intertwine with his. “Yeah, exactly. Except… it weirdly makes you seem more and more attractive?! Does me saying all of that—about, you know. Me having a kid, and everything, me uh, throwing away a whole picture-perfect life to just… moonlight as a legal clerk to pay the bills, help run a public library for chump change, because I needed flexible hours? Would all of that make you treat me differently? If we were like, about to start seriously dating?”

    “Oh, absolutely,” Brian told her. “It would make me like you a lot more. I can appreciate how hard it must have been to make those kinds of sacrifices. To feel like you have this, this perfect path laid out for where your life is supposed to be going, and then have the courage to step off of that, and into the unknown? And, to do that for someone else, for your Tobias? That’s amazing, and I really have to respect that.”

    “Hahhh,” Candace forced herself to look away, exhaling a breath that could have been a laugh or could have been a sigh. “I really wish everything could have been with a guy like you. Uh, what I mean to say is—well, thank you! I, uh, well I guess you realize this is what makes it so hard to get back out there into dating, for me? Hah. Like, I can’t ever promise anyone much of anything, because my Tobias comes first, and he also comes second, and third, and me and my wants and needs, they’re already like a distant fourth place. Let alone anyone else. So, yeah it’s been tough.”

    “I definitely feel like my life has also uh, taken me in a very unexpected direction?” Brian admitted with a laugh. “It’s hard to complain, though. I uh, I guess I always thought I wanted to just find the one and then do everything I possibly could for her. For the one I loved. Devote my life to her. But, then I fell in love with several girls at once, or uh, I guess I should say we all fell in love with each other? I know that sounds like the typical guy thing, where he’s just wanting to dick down everything in sight that he can, but. No, I really, honestly, am just deeply in love with multiple girls. All at once. And, them me. And, all of us—for each other? I know that sounds crazy. It is crazy.”

    “Truth can be stranger than fiction,” Candace let out a giggle. “I’m super happy for you, though. For all of you. And uh, intensely, insanely jealous. Of course.”

    “Sorry,” Brian apologized with a wince. “Really.”

    “I’m kidding!” Candace said. “Mostly. Well I mean I am jealous—who wouldn’t be—but, I wasn’t trying to make it out like my life is some kind of tragic struggle session. It’s honestly been great, I’ve been super blessed. Get to spend a lot of time with Tobias, which just lights up my whole world and has me feeling giddy with joy all the time. My father, uh, well I hate to say it, but he was already way past senior associate and had already made full partner. Nepotism is real. For what hours I do put in as a legal clerk, I’m making… way more money than I really should, there. I can’t complain at all. Another year, and my savings will be squared away, and then I’ll just work at the library full time. There’s—well it’s not exactly a real day care, but there in the Seneca branch there’s a kiddie area where I could keep an eye on a toddler there while I worked no problem—so. Yeah.”

    “Oh, no,” Brian laughed. “Then, I’m already in trouble.”

    “Oh, no?” Candace repeated, blinking up at him.

    “We uh, well we haven’t had a ton of chances to talk about it yet,” Brian said. “But, I do think that if Stephanie is working there, while you have Tobias there? She is absolutely, one-hundred percent going to go baby crazy. I think she maybe already was, so…”

    “Oooh, yeah,” Candace gave his hand a squeeze. “Definitely. Sorry about that! My Toby, oh my God, he is such a cutie. He makes me baby crazy, and I uh—well I can’t really put that happening again in the cards, for right now? It’s hard to say. What do you think, are you uh, are you considering it? Having a kid?”

    “Honestly, more than I ever thought I would,” Brian shrugged. “But. I guess it’s weird if that turns into like, a group discussion with uh, with the girls? It already seems hard to navigate just as like, a one-on-one thing. Let alone with—”

    “Yeah, ‘cause what if they all get baby crazy?!” Candace giggled again. “Oh my God. Can you imagine? Instead of just one on the way, it’d turn into—what, five? Six? Six or seven? Getting ready to have a kid is one thing, and preparing to have a whole damn soccer team is another? Is that what you mean?”

    “I mean, soccer might be a stretch,” Brian joked. “Isn’t that fourteen? But, yeah we could definitely field a team for volleyball, I figure? Or, maybe a small hockey team. I think I lean more towards that, because we could start them all out real young with roller skates and—”

    “Oh yeah, you’re in for it, mister,” Candace teased, pressing herself up close against him. “You would, uh. Brian. You would make some real fucking cute kids. Not as cute as my Toby, of course, but—”

    “Is that a challenge?!” Brian said. “Because—”

    “But, I uh, if I was getting myself baby crazy, and uh, needed a donor? Like, wow. I guess if you’re throwing out a whole damn soccer team anyways—”

    “Hockey,” Brian corrected. “S’gonna be a hockey team. I’ve got it all worked out, now. Already cooking up some breakout plays for my team.”

    “Hah, then yeah, you might as well just give me one, too?” Candace cooed in a sweet voice just beside his ear. “If nothing else, it can take a lot of practice to make a baby, Brian…”

    If he hadn’t been getting a hard-on before, he definitely felt one growing into place now, and it was hard for him not to fixate on the very soft feeling of Candace pressing her breast in against his arm. Brian felt a heady rush of arousal almost like adrenaline, and he also felt himself grow increasingly exasperated—because he felt sure that the wooden charm in his pocket was working away at the both of them, unraveling knots and picking locks in an attempt to open up their hearts to each other. Once those certain paths were opening up and a certain interpersonal chemistry achieved, the unstoppable attraction emulsifying into outright lust became hard to ignore.

    Definitely the effect is getting stronger the longer we sit together like this, though—

    “Brian,” Emily hissed out an interruption.

    When he remembered she was sitting just on the other side of him, he turned to see that she was wearing a huge grin.

    “You just remember what I said!” Emily whispered. “If you give me a girl, we’re naming her Titania. Middle name will be Raven, that’s non-negotiable. If it’s a boy, it can be either Blaze, or Blade. I’ll let you choose which.”

    “Oho~!” Candace overheard anyways. “I mean, I do like Titania, but isn’t that a bit—”

    “Pizza’s here!” Kelly announced, leading Christine, Will, and Rebecca into the bonfire clearing with everyone.

    “Pizza! And—Rebecca!!” Emily squealed out, hurrying to bring the phone back up. “Steph babe sorry, food’s here, gotta go—love ya, muah muah muah MUAH! Gonna have Brian call you later so you two can whisper sweet nothings and do the phone sex and all that kinky jazz then, okay? Byyyee~!”

* * *

    Christine had apparently insisted on helping carry half of Will’s armload of large pizzas, so that they now were each hefting a more comfortable three boxes each—although the fact that ‘Chloe’ would offer any help at all seemed to throw Will through a loop and had him walking forward with a confused look. Kelly in turn had assisted Rebecca with the other take-out bags, and now she took the opportunity to start pulling styrofoam cartons out and reading the labels scrawled upon each in marker.

    “Spaghetti?”

    “Mine,” Monique stood up.

    “Think these cups of marinara go with it,” Kelly doled them out. “Wings?”

    “What kind?” Michael hollered.

    “Uh. Hot?”

    “Them’s mine,” Michael came to collect. “Thanks, Big K.”

    “Sure. More wings?” Kelly called. “Smells like… garlic? Spicy garlic?”

    “Mine over here,” Mark answered. “Right here.”

    “Mark go get them yourself,” Mary chided him. “S’not her job to fuckin’ hand deliver your stupid fucking—”

    “Stromboli?” Kelly called. “Dunno what kind.”

    “Ooh, that’s mine,” Mary raised a hand. “You can bring it right over here, please?”

    “Right, yeah so it’s fine when you do it—”

    “At least I said fuckin’ please—”

    “Are there any Condor Lites left?” Becky asked. “Ooh, hell yeah. Gimme it over here.”

    “I only took one,” Aunt Mattie raised her beer. “These’re good, though. Thank you, Candace.”

    “No problem?”

    “Hells yeah,” Becky clinked bottles with Aunt Mattie. “Cheers, love.”

    “Half pepperoni, half pepperoni and banana pepper?” Christine called out, peeking inside her topmost box.

    “Ours!” Katie and Dottie perked up.

    “Who’s got my anchovie pizza?” Becky asked. “Will?”

    “Gimme a sec, I’m looking,” Will complained, awkwardly trying to balance his boxes. “Uh. Barbeque and chicken? Think this one’s Aunt Mattie’s.”

    “Thank you, William.”

    “Does anyone want strawberry pedialite?” Rebecca asked. “It’s hydration formula… but, it’s basically like a sports drink?”

    “Strawberry? Sure,” Katie said. “Yeah. We’ll take two?”

    “Chloe?” Rebecca teased. “Strawberry pedia—”

    “Keep those things away from me—”

    “Geez, lighten the fuck up,” Becky groused. “She was just offering, calm down.”

    “Last one here is—cheesy breadsticks?” Kelly called out.

    “That one’s mine,” Will answered. “Here, thanks.”

    “Meat lover’s pizza?” Christine asked.

    “That’s us,” Emily hopped up, exchanging a smirk with Kelly.

    “Uhhh I really don’t think that it is, if you know what I mean?” Mark laughed. “Hah, the fuggin’ lesbos think they’re meat lovers. That’s rich.”

    “I mean, we can’t compare to you?” Emily sassed him. “You do looove that meat.”

    “Where’s the—”

    “Uggghhh Jesus Christ Becky, that smells fucking ATROCIOUS—”

    “It’s really good, actually! Here, try one. Anchovies and parmesan is—”

    “Hell fucking no, ugghphlpp—”

    “Try just one slice! You big fucking baby—”

    “Michael, trade,” Mark offered. “Three spicy garlic for three hot wings.”

    “Deal, just gimme one sec—”

    “The other pizzas are—looks like one’s a supreme, the other’s just plain cheese,” Will said. “Gonna set ‘em here by the wood pile. Napkins’re here.”

    “Candace, Rebecca—help yourself to whatever you like,” Tanya insisted. “There will be extra of everything. Emily can only eat half of one slice.”

    “Nuh-uh!” Emily protested. “I can eat like, nine. If I feel like it.”

    “Rebecca, hey,” Brian patted the empty spot on the couch next to him. “Over here.”

    “Oi, that was my spot!” Emily growled. “You traitor—”

    “You can sit on Kelly’s lap,” Brian grinned.

    “Yeah, sit on Kelly’s lap,” Mark echoed. “Talk about whatever pops up!”

    “I… don’t think that joke works the way you think it does?” Katie said, setting one of the pizza boxes in her lap and opening it up. “Somebody pass me napkins? Please.”

* * *

    Although for a few brief moments it seemed like they had ordered altogether way too much food… the brutal reality was that there were sixteen people gathered around the bonfire, tonight. Pizza was pulled apart slice by slice by the many hands and devoured, wings were demolished and the gnawed bones summarily consigned to the fire, beer bottles and cans were tossed back and emptied. Mary seemed to all but inhale her stromboli and then circled around with her empty box grabbing different slices of pizza to try, and Rebecca sat cross-legged in the ash and sand in front of the couch and shared Kelly and Emily’s meat lover’s.

    Brian helped Candace find a stick and roasted them each a hot dog over the fire, and then the two turned their attention towards the supreme and cheese pizzas both Will and Chloe were taking slices from. Monique finished her spaghetti and then attacked the pizza—between Becky wolfing hers down and Michael stacking slices in pairs to make sandwiches one of the first larges vanished completely and its box went into the fire.

    No one seemed interested in the rest of the hot dogs, but after seeing Mark discover the stuff for s’mores everyone wanted one, and there was a brief scramble with a dozen people stumbling through the darkened woods in search of decent skewer sticks—and then after a minute of different marshmallows bobbing in place above the fire, all of the stuff for s’mores was quickly gone.

    “Oh, man,” Becky burped. “Excuse me. I’m stuffed. Couldn’t fit another slice.”

    “Yes you can,” Michael said. “I believe in you.”

    “...Yes I can,” Becky admitted, reaching for another. “Damnit. I didn’t have much of anything for lunch, so. Damnit.”

    “I’m gonna start getting fat,” Michael sighed, rubbing a hand across his belly. “I think just one more. Last one, last one for sure.”

    “I know four fat people,” Mark called out, taking a moment to chew his food and then swallow. “And you are three of them.”

    “Shut up, Mark!”

    “Yeah, rude.”

    “I had two whole slices,” Emily groaned, clutching at her stomach. “And then… and then I had… half a s’more.”

    “She’s never eaten so much in her whole life,” Brian nodded. “Goddamn, Emily.”

    “Yeah, save some for the rest of us—”

    “Uh, I can chip in for food!” Rebecca offered. “I feel bad eating all that, when—”

    “You’re fine, you’re fine,” Tanya waved her off. “Everyone chipped in, and there is still food left.”

    “Not for long,” Mark vowed, leaning out of his chair to grab another slice from the boxes on the woodpile.

    “And you call me the pig,” Mary scoffed in disgust. “Slow the hell down.”

    “Can’t,” Mark said. “Gotta get all that booze soaked up, or there’s no way in hell I’m drivin’ home.”

    “Um, you are not driving,” Tanya decided. “You know rules. If you’re drinking, you’re staying. Can crash in living room or front room, places everywhere.”

    “Who all’s staying, tonight?” Mark looked around the fire. “Fuuuck.”

    “Me, Will,” Becky glanced around. “Maybe Monique?”

    “I’m probably still good?” Monique said. “And, I don’t think Chloe has had any. So, she can drive me.”

    “We rode with Brian,” Katie fidgeted with her beer can. “We’re good.”

    “I only had one,” Candace said. “If anyone else lives in town and needs a lift, then yeah.”

    “You should stay,” Tanya insisted. “Fresh bedding in upstairs room, Brian can show you.”

    “Woooow,” Emily teased. “So it’s like that, huh?”

    “Yee—up,” Michael said. “It’s like that. We’ll holler and poke the ceiling with a broom if they get too loud up there.”

    “Maybe not on a first date, hah,” Candace gave them a grin. “But, thanks?”

    “Gross,” Monique remarked.

    “Yeah, and Brian can’t show you to a room, he’s our ride,” Katie repeated for emphasis. “So, yeah. Sorry.”

    “Guys, I’m right here,” Brian sighed.

    “But anyways,” Aunt Mattie cleared her throat. “Emily—you never finished your story for us!”

    “Yeah,” Katie agreed, eyes narrowing. “How did you and… Kelly, was it? How’d you two meet, again?”

    “Alright. So,” Emily cleared her throat. “This is all way back at AnimeCon.”

    “Duh—”

    “Get on with it—”

    “Sssh, let her talk—”

    “Kelly’s an AnimeCon kinda chick?”

    “I could see it. Bright red hair—”

    “Let her talk, damn—”

    “I met Kelly ‘cause I was runnin’ around tryin’ to find Brian,” Emily spoke up over everyone. “And, man oh man he was not easy to find.

    “Like, he wasn’t answerin’ his phone, wasn’t readin’ his messages, wasn’t anywhere I could find him in the big lobby area, and I went through the vendor’s room like, scanning up and down each aisle, an’ everything. Everywhere! Nada. I went and got a big ol’ stack of Lost Puppy flyers with his photo an’ everything printed. Stapled them up around the whole neighborhood—still nothing. No social media posts, no digital footprint, nada—the dude’s a ghost, I had nothin.’”

    “Uh-huh, yes, you did all of this,” Tanya rolled her eyes. “Surely.”

    “But then, lo and behold I remember seein’ from the forums there’s supposed to be this big Hero Hero Haruki cosplay meetup, like they’re doin’ a whole ass photoshoot—so I’m like, a super sleuth. Emily; International Detective. Brian’s doin’ a Darkmask this year, so yeah, surely Brian’ll be there. Right?”

    “Right?” Michael prompted.

    “So, I show up there—still no fuggin’ Brian,” Emily growled and raised her hands towards the night sky to convey her frustration. “I was like I want my Brian. Where is my Brian. And I’m like, outta breath from runnin’ around everywhere, I’m way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere, like ‘cause the Hero Hero photo thing was over at this fuckin’ big parking garage—and then. Then!

    “Kelly materializes out of the fucking shadows, like an actual fucking demon. No lie. One hundred and ten percent magical mystical voodoo shit. One second, I’m like, trying to catch my breath, there’s literally not a single soul anywhere near me, the next second—Kelly is there. There. Right next to me. Looking like her badass beautiful self, except yeah at the time she was also in like, a full gothic lolita demon getup, has these big-ass giant evil horns and scary smile and everything. She leads with like, ‘Oh, I know JUST who you’re looking for, Emily…’ like she’s reading my actual thoughts and shit with her magic powers and—”

    “I was standing off to the side a bit, Emily just didn’t notice me at all,” Kelly added. “So yeah, there’s your super sleuth. And, when I step up, she squeals like a little girl and jumps like five feet in the air. I did not have horns. And, I already knew who she was, ‘cause—”

    “Uh, no, no I didn’t!” Emily blustered. “Bull~shit! I totally didn’t. I didn’t squeal. You just freaked me out a tiny—”

    “Pffft—” Becky doubled over with laughter.

    “And it wasn’t fuckin’ five feet, I’M like five feet—”

    “Okay, well she squeals and jumps and she’s like—super spooked, only because she had like, zero awareness of her surroundings,” Kelly smirked. “Which isn’t super safe, when you’re a ninety-pound cutie-patootie Latina running around the downtown area? Wearing nothing but fishnet and like, itty-bitty scraps of colored cloth?

    “Which she kept lettin’ just slide down her sexy shoulders, and show off big eyefulls of her l’il jubblies. Anyways, I knew who she was, ‘cause Brian talked about her all weekend, and she shows up asking people for a dude in a Skullmask outfit named Brian. Yeah, I can fucking put two and two togeth—”

    “That’s it, I’m usin’ boob tape next time,” Emily swore. “Tapin’ my itty bitties right the fuck in. Fucking Akane Kurokawa—”

    “Why was Brian harping on about Emily all weekend?” Katie asked, confused. “Of all people. Did he mention me?”

    “Kelly—it’s Darkmask!” Brian groaned. “Not Skullmask. ‘Skullmask’ was actually one of the Darkmask captain dudes, from the shadow city arc. He’s the one who gets beaten by the rival dude, Tomoshi—”

    “Um, because I’m his bestie?” Emily addressed Katie’s question. “Duh?”

    “Whatever! Darkmask, then,” Kelly scoffed, sticking her tongue out at him. “Nerds.”

    “She’s probably confusing it ‘cause in the localization they’re Skullfies?” Michael theorized. “So, she got herself mixed up halfway between Darkmask and Skullfie—”

    “She is a bit of a dumb bimbo, sometimes…” Emily confided to them all in a loud whisper. “S’okay. My big-tiddy bimbo. I still love her, even though she’s got dat shoe-sized IQ.”

    “Shoe size IQ?” Kelly arched an eyebrow. “You know, you’re gonna pay for that later.”

    “I’m in danger!”

    “The Hero Hero Haruki dub is like, mainstream shit,” Will scoffed. “It’s capeshit, total normie-bait. Not for actual real nerds. Now, the subbed version, on the other hand? Totally different story. One of my buddies was actually the typesetter on the scanslation team that did—”

    “Hey, Will? No one cares!” Becky cut him off. “You’ve told us all that a bazillion times, already. Old news. So—Kelly, was it just, love at first sight? With you and Emily?! Did you, did you fall for each other right away?!”

    “She did,” Emily gave a solemn nod. “One smoldering look was all it took, yeah. I fuckin’ seduced the shit out of her. Had her all flustered and gettin’ all oozin’ wet like right away. Was drippin’ everywhere all over the place, shit was insane. She was all like ‘ooOOoh, Emily—!’”

    “Can you not—?” Katie groaned.

    “Nah, she seemed like a dork,” Kelly rolled her eyes. “Still does, kinda? I did give her the spare keycard we had back then, though. So she could meet up with us later. I had to go take care of some bullshit with my sister, she’s this bigshot cosplay girl, and like—”

    “Kelly’s sister is…” Brian revealed, looking towards Will with a grin. “Sarah Star.”

    “No fucking way,” Will blurted out. “You’re related to Sarah Star?!” The fucking celebrity cosplayer?!”

    “My little sister,” Kelly smirked. “She’s hardly any kind of celebrity, though? Or like, maybe she’s ‘big,’ but only with weirdo cosplay convention stuff.”

    “Sarah Star, no she’s like—she’s huge,” Will argued. “She has a Feralsoft Games sponsorship. She did like, the official fucking cosplay for HeartPiercer III.”

    “Will must be one of the simps who stalks her online?” Mark nodded. “Yeah, I could see it.”

    “Uhh, Kell baby, you do realize AnimeCon alone pulls like, sixteen thousand people?” Emily explained to Kelly. “Weirdo cosplay stuff? Each coast has like, ten similar sized cons throughout the year. Let alone with how huge cosplay is on the internet with—”

    “Yeah, well—any random band going on tour will pull those kind of numbers every single weekend doing concerts,” Kelly shrugged. “Sarah works her ass off twenty-four seven on her cosplay crap, and okay, I can respect that. But, she’s not famous, not real famous, and she doesn’t make decent money. She works for influence, clout, and internet fame—she still lives with our fucking mom. I definitely remember she did this one meet and greet thing, with all of her Sarah Star superfans, at this Books and Noble? Not even thirty people showed up. She was bawling her eyes out afterward.”

    “She’s had bigger event things,” Will argued. “There was that big red carpet thing for the launch release of Blessed Time. Hundreds of people showed up, there was like, news vans. Media. Sarah Star’s a big deal.”

    “Okay, and random jackass comedians doing comedy shows can fill a hall with a couple thousand people?” Kelly shrugged. “And, since Sarah’s brand partnerships are all anal about her image, she can’t just whip her tits out and make decent money. I’ve seen her tax shit, most of the time Sarah actually makes less than thirty thousand a year—she could launch an OnlyStars, and be making that much every month.”

    “Hey, hey,” Emily’s voice softened. “Ease up on her, a bit. I’ve seen your sister—and she doesn’t have your tits.”

    “Hah, yeah,” Kelly snorted. “It’s just so frustrating, that every time her and I—”

    “She’s doing what she loves!” Emily said. “And, she can make a living at it. Whatever personal arguments you two have aside, you have to respect her for that. I’m not just sayin’ she doesn’t have your tits, she doesn’t have your… your you. Maybe she just wants to cosplay? Let her just be a huge fuckin’ weeb, if she wants. Once she gets her tits out and puts them out there, she can’t take ‘em back. S’like a whole different career path for her to embark upon, it leads somewhere else in this drastic other direction, and yeah sure there’s money, but—”

    “Don’t take Sarah’s side, she’s a fucking idiot,” Kelly growled. “She literally—”

    “I’m not taking sides, or playing favorites, or anything!” Emily said. “I’m gonna be the kind of girlfriend who can call you out on your bullshit, when you actually are wrong. Because—I love you.”

    Ugghhhh—” Kelly groaned. “Yeah. Fine. Whatever, shut up. Love you, too.”

    “What the fuck,” Katie murmured, staring at her sister in open disbelief.

    “But, still, that’s all so cool!” Becky exclaimed. “I’ve literally watched some of her makeup tutorials, before! You’re Sarah Star’s sister! You could have her like, show you all sorts of makeup tips and tricks for free, or like—”

    “The day Sarah has anything she can teach me will be a cold day in hell,” Kelly snorted. “Never gonna fucking happen.”

    “Your makeup is very nice,” Tanya complimented her. “Did you do Emily, too?”

    “Yup,” Emily said. “Kelly’s amazeballs at that stuff. She was all like, sit still you little fucking twat—”

    “Hah!” Katie laughed.

    “—But, yeah I can’t fuckin’ argue with the results?” Emily batted her eyelashes at everyone. “I mean, look, I’m fuckin’ glam. Wish I’d met her sooner? Coulda used this kinda glow-up back when—”

    “I’ve heard of cosplay,” Candace said, slipping a phone out of the back of her skirt. “We do costume theme kinda stuff at the library, sometimes? For Halloween, and such. I dressed up as a Raggedy Annie doll? It was super cute. Brian, uh—here, lemme show you.”

    “That’s still all like, such a crazy coincidence, though,” Will pointed out. “Kelly’s sister is Sarah Star. Emily’s mother is Hannah Hudson. I wonder if somehow the like, shared experience of—”

    “Hannah Hudson?” Candace asked, confused.

    “Uh, no? Hannah Hudson is a TV show character, not my mother,” Emily scowled. “Shithead. My mom is Anne Rivera. She’s not even an actress anymore—she teaches rich kid cretins Shakespearian shit at fuckin’ Truliet. Yeah, okay she had her fame, but it was years and years ago, and now she’s just a normal, everyday, run of the mill theatre program director. Okay? Stop being weird, Will.”

    “Yeah,” Katie spoke up in a rare moment of solidarity with Emily. “She’s not special or different or amazing—she’s just an ordinary, average mom. So, don’t put her up on some stupid fancy pedestal? She threatened to take my car privileges away, just because she was all pissy that no one else wanted gross sushi, tonight. I mean, come on.”

    “Is… that how it happened?” Dottie quirked her lip.

    “Uh, yeah it was?” Katie scoffed. “You were there.”

    “Sushi’s not gross!” Becky gasped. “I love sushi!”

    “I, uh,” Brian coughed loudly into his fist. “I actually really appreciate your mom? She’s really cool, so—like, ease up on her? I mean, she did give you guys pizza money and—”

    “Oh, shut up,” Will laughed. “Like you weren’t fapping yourself into a coma to screen pauses of ‘Hannah Hudson’ right the moment you found out she was—”

    “Will—fucking gross!” Katie shrieked. “Literally shut the fuck up with that! That’s not even funny.”

    “Yeah, fuck off, Will,” Emily made a face. “Brian’s not like that, you’re like that. Fucking weirdo. Creep.”

    “Why don’t… we just ask Brian,if he ever did that?” Dottie suggested, turning a gaze of interest in his direction.

    “Yeah, Brian,” Mark goaded him on.

    “Brian!” Becky teased.

    “I won’t judge!” Candace giggled. “Much.”

    “Brian,” Emily let out a dramatic sigh. “Tell us the truth.”

    “Well—first of all,” Brian chuckled. “I didn’t know who she was, back when I met her. I think I’d maybe seen Criminal Lives before, like I have some random impressions of it? But, I never watched episodes consecutively the whole way through until like, just a couple years back. Would not have seen her character. I wasn’t in drama courses at Truliet either, so. To me? Emily just had a weirdly hot mom.”

    “But, did you fap to her?” Michael demanded. “C’mon, now —we’ve gotta know. Did you whip out your big ol’ fat schlong and fuckin’ stroke it to her?”

    “Michael—please stop swinging that way,” Tanya warned. “You are my boyfriend. Not Brian’s! Not Mark’s!”

    “Babe, it’s just a figure of speech.”

    “Yeah, and like you miss every swing you don’t take,” Mark said. “You’ve gotta—”

    “Mark.” Tanya warned.

    “Hey, I’m just sayin’!”

    “I love you too, bro,” Michael tapped his fist to his chest twice and then threw a peace sign. “But, Brian dawg, you’ve gotta own up. Were you spankin’ it to Emmie’s mom? Be real. I mean, I was—”

    “Ew—!”

    “I mean—” Brian coughed again and cleared his throat. “Damn, that’s not fair. I was like, fifteen, sixteen. There’s just about no girl I hadn’t fapped to? I—”

    The assembled girls in the group tonight let out a collective groan, but most everyone was grinning with one another as they did it, which robbed the moment of some of its sting.

    “Brian…” Katie wrinkled her nose in disgust. “I am not hearing this right now…”

    “Hear, hear!” Mark praised, throwing his hands up. “No lies were spoken. It really did be like that. When you’re at that age—”

    “Gross,” Monique spat. “That’s literally fucking disgusting.”

    “I think it’s kinda hot?” Becky said.

    “It’s a little hot,” Candace decided.

    “You fapped to Emily’s mother?” Dottie teased in an accusing voice. “What the hell.”

    “See? See?!” Will laughed. “And, they’re trying to make it out like I’m the creep!”

    “Will, you are a creep,” Mary confirmed. “It’s more okay if Brian does it, or he at least like, gets more of a pass. ‘Cause, he’s hot.”

    “What the fuck?!” Will protested. “How’s that fair?!”

    “No no no, she’s got a point,” Michael nodded. “If you’re hot, you get a pass. That’s just common fuckin’ sense, bro.”

    “I didn’t make a habit of it or like, fixate on her, just—” Brian tried to explain. “I was fifteen, you guys, fuck off.”

    “I don’t like it,” Emily sighed. “But, I mean—I do get it. My mom is pretty hot.”

    “Okay, but Brian who have you fapped to MORE?” Kelly asked. “Anne Rivera? Or… Emily Rivera?”

    “Emily, hands down,” Brian answered immediately. “Emily, and it’s not even close. She was like, my go-to.”

    “Wooooww!” Becky laughed. “Wow, wow. Wow.”

    “What?!” Will exclaimed. “No fucking way.”

    “Emily are you hearing this?!” Tanya laughed. “Wow, Brian… just, wow—”

    “Fucking gross!” Katie cried out. “Ew. Ewww. Ew ew ew! Her?! Can we just not?!”

    “Well, thank you, Brian!” Emily pretended to preen herself up. “Glad somebody around here has good taste! Hmph!”

    “Yeah, I’m callin’ bullshit there,” Mark blew out a raspberry and gave them a big thumbs-down. “Brian’s lyin!”

    “W-was Emily your type?!” Becky burst into giggles. “Like—oh my God. Brian, did you ever fap thinking about me?!”

    “Yeah, what about me?” Mary demanded.

    “And, me!” Michael joined in, clapping both hands to his knees and leaning forward as if in anticipation.

    “If you did, I don’t wanna know about it?” Aunt Mattie rolled her eyes. “Keep it to yourself.”

    “Uhhh—” Brian paused. “Sorry?”

    “Sorry, you did?” Candace laughed. “Or, sorry, you didn’t?”

    “Sorry guys, I did not,” Brian clarified. “No offense! Just, uh—Mary, c’mon. Back then you were just a kid. You were like, ten when I was fifteen. And Becky, I didn’t know you until way after I ah, I got a lot of that out of my system? I guess?”

    “Boooo—!” Becky called.

    “Oh, now who’s sour grapes?” Monique mocked Becky. “As if there’s even—”

    “What about me?!” Michael griped. “Bro.”

    “I haven’t been ten in forever,” Mary pouted. “You’ve seen me like, every year. I’ve grown the fuck up, HELLO?”

    “Boooooo—!” Becky heckled again. “Well, hey! It’s never too late. I, Becky Dadesworth, hereby give you permission to fap to me tonight! And, if you need a uh, like a visual aid—”

    “Hey, wait a minute!” Candace couldn’t help but give them all a wry smile. “Uh yeah, can he not? I thought this was, um, kinda like him and I were a thing, tonight?”

    “What, so he can fap to you?” Will asked.

    “No, idiot—she’s sayin’ Brian’s not gonna have to fap tonight,” Mary teased. “Geez, Will. Read between the lines—”

    “Upstairs room,” Tanya nodded. “I just changed the bedding. Brian can—”

    “I—I uh, hey I didn’t say that, exactly, either,” Candace chuckled. “Like, whoa whoa whoa. Not on a first date, right?!”

    “You’re always supposed to put out on a first date!” Becky sighed and shook her head. “Gurl—this ain’t the 1900s, anymore. If—”

    “Yeah, if you’re a sloot—!” Emily joked. “A shameless harlot! A woman of ill-repute!”

    “Oh, shut up—”

    “Brian’s the sloot, fapping to every—”

    “Guys, guys—!”

    “Oh, yeah like you can talk—”

    “Sour grapes! Sour grapes!”

    “Wait, listen—”

    “Well, I don’t see you beatin’ your meat to—”

    “And on that note—” Aunt Mattie threw her hands up in consternation at them. “I’m headed to bed. Thank you all for coming, stay as long as you like—plenty of space downstairs. Tanya’s in charge, if she says you’re too tipsy, she keeps your keys. Goodnight, everyone!”

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