Extremely personal post

Please skip this blog if you are either not interested in my personal life OR if you may be triggered by a mental illness you are suffering with as this blog is about my BDD (body dysmorphic disorder) and other mental illnesses and I don't want to spread any negativity to anyone. But i am doing this as an act of braveness and poetry is an expression to do that as I struggle to open up and talk about these things. 

Here goes... it's 02.03am and I cannot sleep again. Insomnia is something I've always faced most nights for 3 years now. Since my depression hit it's worst point in my life, the insomina followed and the anxiety worsened. My doctor believes it was these 3 illnesses that brought on my BDD. Personally I'm not 100% sure and I don't think I ever will be until I get myself better and have a more clear way of thinking. 

There is a lot I'm sure I could try to open up about with my life but I plan on doing it bit by bit with small slow steps and this is one of them. I wrote this poem literally a few minutes ago, I can write poems about anything and they just flow, I don't need to stop to think, the words just come out. They say people who are fighting battles with their minds and suffering are strong and creative, maybe that's why? Here is my poem about my BDD and mental illness, it comes straight from my mind and heart:

Mirror mirror on the wall

Mirror mirror on the wall,

I don't recognise this girl at all.

She looks back at me with tired eyes,

She screams for help through silent cries. 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

You show me my boobs are much to small.

You make me see the ugly, the wrong, the bad,

And wish for things I never had.

Mirror mirror on the wall,

How slowly you have watched me fall.

Showing me in detail every flaw,

Making me not want to live anymore.

Mirror mirror on the wall,

I hate everything, I want to change it all.

To be someone else, anyone but me,

To look into you and be happy what I see. 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

No longer am I standing tall.

No confidence, low self esteem,

No hope inside me left to dream. 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

Looking in you makes me feel worst of all.

As a young woman in this awful society,

Looks are everything... and look at me. 

Mirror mirror on the wall,

They say I have BDD as I recall.

They say it's in my head but how can it be?

When the mirror tells the truth, the mirror shows me. 

Thank you for taking your time to read this. I'm not sure what you'll think or feel but I just wanted to share this. I want people to know that we are all fighting battles others cannot see and we are all so brave doing that. Fighting my own daily battles have made me into a more caring and leas judgemental person. It gave me eyes to see beautiful things about other people... it just kills me that I can't see anything beautiful about myself. Still fighting though 💖 I'll always fight so please fight with me.

Mistyy

xxx