The Alt Apostle

For the next animation, I've been working on the script and the scenery. I'm not sure how to begin nor how to end the video. So, I'm posting the main bulk of the script here in hopes that you'll give me some insight. For the beginning, I need to convey that the attitude of a modern right wing Christian, or alt right type figure, was transferred into one of Jesus' apostles, or a 13th apostle, an "alt apostle". All of Jesus' lines are referenced from the bible, and the alt apostle hates every one of them. It's to show the hypocrisy of these modern day pharisees who claim to have "christian values", yet act nothing like it. I think this is a video both non-hypocritical Christians and atheists could get on board with. For the end, I'd like to have a strong punchline, an unexpected twist, which I haven't come up with yet and I'm more than happy to read your suggestions. Here's all I've written:

The Alt Apostle

*Scene - On a mountainside (sermon on the mount)*

Jesus

Blessed art thou when people persecute thee, insult thee, or lie about thee because of me. Blessed art those who are persecuted because of their righteousness (Matthew 5:10-11).

Alt Apostle

Dost I spy a professional victim over yonder? Hast the oppression olympics commenced? *pppppffffttttt* Being persecuted is thine currency? Thou art a cuck! Nut up or shut up. Am I right? Up high! *left hanging*

Jesus

Do not divorce thy wife, or you’ll make her the victim of adultery, and do not…(Matthew 5:32).

Alt Apostle

That’s right, JC, marriage is sacred! I love marriage so much I’ve done it four times.

Jesus

Do not swear any oaths, not by heaven, nor earth, nor Jerusalem. Tis enough to simply say “Yes” or “No” and anything beyond that is of the devil (Matthew 5:33-37).

Alt Apostle

Whoa, dude! Art thou seriously suggesting that we should takeith a knee during the pledge of allegiance? I’m sorry but Jerusalem first! Show some respect, Jesus. Art thou one of those JLM protestors? Hands up, don’t crucify? Not cool, man.

Jesus

I say unto thee, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps thee on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also (Matthew 5:38-39).

Alt Apostle

ha ha ha more cuck stuff. To hell with that! There’s a reason I open carry my sword, dude. If thou should striketh me, I shall striketh thee back 10x harder.

Jesus

That is the wrong attitude. For instance, if someone wants to sue thee for thine shirt, hand over thy coat as well (Matthew 5:40).

Alt Apostle

I got the best lawyer in town. Good luck suing me.

Jesus

And if anyone forces thee to go one mile, go with them two miles (Matthew 5:41).

Alt Apostle

Nobody’s going to force me! Thou can shove statist coercion where the sun doth not shine. If thoust hath a problem with that, then 1776 BC shalt commence again!

Jesus

Give to those who ask thee, and do not reject those who want to borrow from thee. (Matthew 5:38-42).

Alt Apostle

Can I borrow thy hammer and sickle? Jesus, Jesus.

Jesus

Do not be hypocritical when ye pray. Hypocrites love to pray out in public, and upon the books of face, and they pray with the tags of hash, so that they will be seen by others. Verily I say unto thee, that is their reward in full. When thou prayest, thou should do it in private. Go into thy room and close thy door when thou pray (Matthew 6:5-6).

Alt Apostle

Oh so now we shalt not pray in public? This is how it starts, I say unto thee! If thou do not likeith the way I practice my religion then thou can get the hell out. Just go away if my prayer bothers thee so much. I’m praying for thee, Jesus, right now. Do something about it. Didn’t think so. All these problems in Jerusalem today are because we doth not institute public prayer at schools, sporting events, and government meetings, and now here thou art telling people not to pray in public. Thou art helping cause the downfall of Middle Eastern society. I hope thou knowest that, Jesus. No wonder the economy is in the feces bucket. Everyone here needs to invest in gold for when the real manure strikes the fan.

Jesus

Worry not about saving money. Thou cannot serve both God and money (Matthew 6:19-24).

Alt Apostle

Yeah right. Thou thinkith I want to live on handouts like thee? Get a job, lowlife. I thought I permanently borrowed thy hammer and sickle.

Jesus

Worry not about thy life. Worry not even about what thouest will eat or drink. God will provide (Matthew 6:25).

Alt Apostle

First of all, thou ain’t gonna be eating anything with all thy commie crap. Second of all, worry not about my life? Dude, the globalists hath taken over; we’ve got open borders and immigrants flooding in with no ark to save us, and thy answer is don’t worry be happy? Thy mind is like that of a child, Jesus.

Jesus

Indeed, whosoever shalt humble himself as a little child shalt be greatest in heaven (Matthew 18:2-4).

Alt Apostle

And then the lowlifes shalt walk all over thee on earth.

Jesus

Do not be so judgemental and hypocritical. Before thou start criticizing someone for their transgression, make certain thou art not even more guilty of that same transgression (Matthew 7:1-3).

Alt Apostle

I’m not guilty of anything. It’s just that the world is going to hell with all these sexual deviants. *sexy woman walks by* Whoa whoa, baby, hold up. Can I get thy pigeon number?

Sexy woman

Yeah right. Like I’d give my pigeon number to someone who hangs out with these scumbags.

Alt Apostle

Thanks a lot, Jesus. Thou art quite the rooster blocker. Why the hell dost thou hang around with all these lowlifes anyway?

Jesus

It is the sinners who need my message, not the righteous. It is sick people who need a doctor, not healthy people (Matthew 9:11-13).

Alt Apostle

*sigh* There’s just a far better class of people at the temple, JC. It’s not my fault these people doth not knowtih how to square their lives away. Why should that be my problem?

Jesus

Worry not, for we’re done hanging out. I’m sending ye all into the towns and villages. Take nothing with thee, no money, no bag with spare clothes, nothing. Stay at the homes of strangers, and live off their goodwill. That will be enough. If they deny thee, then to hell with them (Matthew 10:9-5).

Alt Apostle

Hold up! Now thou wantith us to live like vagabonds? Jesus, I’m not some bum, okay? It’s called self-reliance, leech. Look it up in a wiki scroll. Dost thou live in thy mother’s cellar?

Jesus

Forget thy mother. Anyone who loves their mother or father more than me is not worthy. Anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy (Matthew 10:37).

Alt Apostle

So much for family values! JC, we’re cool and all, but the family is the basis of society, and how I define family pretty much has to apply to everyone. Thou get that, right? Scrolltistics show that married couples make more money, and...

Jesus

Stop worrying so much about money. It is extremely hard for the rich to enter the kingdom of heaven, for they are attached to their worldly possessions (Matthew 19:23-24).

Alt Apostle

That’s right, just give up all thy possessions thou hath worked hard for, so says Jesus of Lennon, I mean Nazareth.

Jesus

If thou worked all day, while thy co-worker only worked a single hour, do not be bothered even if thy boss pays thee identical wages (Matthew 20:1-16).

Alt Apostle

Oh here we go again with the free rides for lowlifes. Equal pay for equal work! That’s what’s fair, Jesus. Why should I have to do all the work while lazy people get handouts?

Scene

*the rich are contributing to the temple treasury, and then a poor widow put in two copper coins*

Jesus

That poor widow has put in more than all the others (Luke 21:3).

Alt Apostle

How could you possibly say that, Jesus? The rich people are the ones who pay for everything. The bottom 50% only pay for like 2%. They’re all leeches, Jesus.

Jesus

The rich gave out of their wealth, not what they have to live on, but she gave out of her poverty, put in all she had to live on (Luke 21:4).

Alt Apostle

*walks up to poor widow and shouts in her face* Get a job, freeloader!

*Needs a good punchline here*