Oh No Caitlin is Having Some Big Feelings

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.”  -Ecclesiastes 3

“A time to be born, a time to die, a time to plant, a time to reap.”  -The Byrds

[You know me, I love to start a post with a Bible quote.]

More than a year ago, I came out of sabbatical. I decided–after much hemming and hawing, weeping and gnashing of teeth– that for the time being I would give up owning the funeral home and funeral industry advocacy. Both the funeral home and nonprofit still exist and are doing wonderful work, which is what allowed me to unclench my icy grip of power. Not everything has to go through you, Caitlin! 

This release allowed me to be worn less thin and focus almost full time on this Titanic book (I’m not being coy with the title, we still don’t have one. Well, we have a zillion ideas, none of which are quite right. Suggestions welcome!) This book is my heart, my soul, my dream, my nightmare. It has been awhile since I’ve felt so clearly like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. There have been rumblings of nonfiction being dead– long live fiction, so they say! Not on my watch, folks. Truth is stranger than fiction.

Writing and researching feels right to me in this season of my life. “Season of my life”– am I a greeting card, what the hell? I wander around and have thoughts about the deep, cold bottom of the ocean. I have books spread across the desk and old newspapers open in 40 different laptop tabs. I feel like a rabbit in my cozy little warren. There is almost a hermit-like joy to the whole process.There are seasons (here I go with the damn seasons again) for collaboration, seasons for sharing your work with the world, and seasons for going deep within yourself to create the work. This is a deep within yourself period.

Here is the issue that I’ve been having. I’m telling you this for two reasons. First, because I am open to advice and wisdom, and second because I’m trying to write it down and understand it myself. How to bring my work on YouTube into alignment with the season. 

Writing my book has felt complicated and hard in a good, boundary-pushing way. Making work on YouTube has felt complicated and hard in... a complicated and hard way. I’m really proud of what we’ve made on Youtube this year, and my collaborators are at the top of their game. It’s just feels like swimming through molasses.

I couldn’t figure out why our last documentary on the Marchioness started so strong and then precipitously dropped in views and engagement. Surprise- we were once again demonetized and dropped from recommendations for being in violation of terms. Ah, the mysterious terms! The terms they shan’t tell us, but rule us all! I don’t want to be complain-y. And I honestly I don’t even feel complain-y because I’m sort of numb to the whole thing. But without being too dramatic, it makes me scratch my head and go “is this all like…a message? Am I forcing the documentaries when this is not really what’s needed or wanted?” 

Beyond that, switching between the cozy, research heavy book work to putting on makeup and performing for the videos has felt harder than ever. Listen, I’m a Leo. I love being Caitlin in front of a camera- it’s just hard right now. Because of, you guessed it, THE SEASONS THING.

I believe the part of me that loves making documentaries and being on camera will come back full force once the book is done. My desire to experiment, to grow as a creator will come back. Until then, I need to figure out a way to make videos and content that fits with my lifestyle and season. A cozier style of work. Less wham bam big travel documentaries. Maybe shorter videos, quieter videos, videos that I narrate but don’t do the whole Caitlin Doughty standup routine in. 

I genuinely don’t think the answer is “don’t make videos or content.” I know you would offer me that grace and permission. Even if you didn’t offer me the grace and permission I could just tell you “this is what I’m doing, take it or leave it, boys!” But that’s not what I want. What I want is to make something I’m still proud of, but that is made with more ease. Please let me know what you think. Share with me videos you watch and enjoy that seem to align with what I’m talking about. Ways of sharing my advocacy that I haven’t explored. You all know me and my work better than I know it sometimes.

The medium is the message, and I gotta get my medium right in 2025.

Happy New Year deathlings!

Caitlin