Ups & Downers [Cait-bbatical Vol. 2]

Hello my angels of death,

My parents an I watch a show on the History channel called Alone. If you haven't heard of it, imagine Survivor without the games, alliances, or contestant interactions. It's just survivalists dropped into Northern Canada right before winter (completely alone, with their own camera equipment to essentially vlog themselves) and the one who lasts the longest without starving wins.

In this week's episode, one gentleman started his message to the camera with "I'm going to be real and vulnerable with you." It turns out, what he had to be real and vulnerable about was that he'd been secretly nursing a suppurating pus-filled wound. He then proceeds to shoot out some pus at the camera. (This episode also involved maggots.)

This is all to say– I will never be able to hear someone say "I'm going to be real and vulnerable with you" (a common YouTube/social media trope) again without thinking of this man's squirting wound.

That said, I'm going to be real and vulnerable with you.

Sabbatical is going...OK. Some ups and down, ins and outs, beautiful sunsets, pus wounds and maggots.

I'll start with the bad. I'm supposed to be "taking a break"– at least these first few months. I had an image of "taking a break" looking like wandering through the woods or lounging in the French Riviera. What has it really looked? Like lying in bed looking at the internet.

I've had to delete Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube from my phone. Not because I was working or involved in my own social media, but because I was just scrolling through, searching for meaning in my little stupid meaning box. Because there are dark, oppressive algorithms involved, Instagram has decided I need to work on my hip mobility. Which is true. But the cognitive dissonance of lying there motionless watching videos of other people strengthening and stretching their hips gets a little too much to deal with.

But on the up-side!:

1) Getting off your phone does, unfortunately, make you feel better. Like other such dull suggestions as "a little meditation practice" and "take a little walk," getting out from under the darque spell of the the witch's screen does help you be in the world. I've also been at a family wedding this week, which has also been helpful. It turns out being with people in the real world is good. No one tells us any of this.*

2) I AM starting to be inspired again, work-wise. Not, as I was secretly hoping, in a totally new direction I never anticipated. I wanted to announce I was like, going to law school to practice dolphin activism or had developed an lifelong passion for bee-keeping. Alas, it is corpses that have inspired me. IT ALWAYS COMES BACK TO CORPSES.

I won't tell you about the little projects (and one LARGE project) I've been thinking about. Not because I'm being coy. Just because my issue has always been blasting ahead with every idea and whim I had– without considering if I had the bandwidth, help, or true desire for it. Now, for the first time!– I will let my ideas slowly take shape during my sabbatical, and only move forward with the ones that truly stay with me and will create the best work experience for me. And more importantly, the best final products for you!

Thank you for your continued support. You probably shouldn't admit to your generous benefactors you've been in a hip mobility influencer k-hole on Instagram. But I think you understand me.

Until next time,

Caitlin

*Everyone is always telling us this, I'm just not listening.