My Ass Is Haunted By The Gay Unicorn Colonel - (Classic Tingler Revisited)

DANG buckaroos we are smack dab in the middle of the halloween season, so you know i had to trot out a haunting tale for our CLASSIC TINGLER REVISITED. yet another case of me being in TOTAL SHOCK to find that i had not posted this tingler before, because this is absolutely one of the dozen or so that i consider the ORIGINAL TINGLERS.

there are a handful of books that really reminder me of the early days, and this is certainly one of them. i think you can really see this in the fact that it is a rare story where my usual cover aesthetic is OFF slightly from what it would eventually become. on first glance you see it and just think 'oh theres another tingler' but actually there is a HUGE DIFFERENCE in that the unicorn colonel is not technically standing next to the main character. instead he is in the haunted painting, which i trotted out by taking a photo and using a photoshop PAINT BRUSH FILTER to give it a few swirls.

ALSO up until the arrival of the no sex and ace tinglers most of the humanoid partners (dinosaurs, unicorns, bigfeet) would be shirtless.

despite all of this i have always really really liked this cover there is something about it that very nice to me. maybe it is because the buckaroo model is particularly handsome and i think 'dang, nice glasses buckaroo, nice look.' maybe it is the way the lighting comes down on the painting or the way the lettering pops against the background.

regardless buckaroos, lets continue our halloween season trot with MY ASS IS HAUNTED BY THE GAY UNICORN COLONEL

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MY ASS IS HAUNTED BY THE GAY UNICORN COLONEL

By Chuck Tingle

As I approach the old plantation house, my body fills with a strange sensation.  It’s a feeling that is not entirely new to me, but it is also one strictly reserved for occasions of extreme tension and caution.  To call this emotion fear is flat-out incorrect, it is not fear but something even deeper and more subliminal.  This feeling is the remnant of a long-forgotten instinct, one that taps deep into my mind and then connects itself to some other world, some other plane of existence.

       And then, just like that, the feeling disappears.

       A chill runs down my spine as I look up at the windows of the old mansion, framed perfectly between two large weeping willows here in the deep forest of northern Georgia.

       For a moment, I catch a glimpse of someone standing in the window of a second story bedroom, a unicorn with a long white mane and a large, pearly white horn.  The majestic beast moves out of the way as soon as I see him, letting the curtain fall back into place.

       “Hello there!”  The voice on an elderly woman suddenly calls from the front porch.  “Welcome to Blue Bayou Bed and Breakfast!”

       I smile and wave as my gaze falls upon a small old lady in her casual summer wear, hurrying down the steps to greet me.  When I booked my room I had no idea I would be receiving such a warm welcome, and it’s a pleasant relief from the usual indifference that I get from places like this.

       Get in, pay us, get out, is usually the motto, especially when the ghost sightings have reached a level of notoriety that turns an establishment into less of a bed and breakfast, and more of a tourist trap.

       “You must be Roger.”  The old woman says, taking one of my bags.  “I’m Melody.  It’s nice to meet you, come along right this way.”

       It all happens to fast that I barely have time to protest.  “Oh come on now, I’ll carry my bags up!”  I tell her, legitimately worried that she’s about to break a bone simply hoisting up my leather weekender.

       “Don’t be silly!”  Melody creaks in her own cheerful way.  “You’re my guest, I so rarely get guests anymore.”

       I sigh and follow her up the front porch and into the house.  “I thought people were coming from all over the world to catch a glimpse of Colonel Peach’s ghost, shouldn’t that be bringing in some business?”

       “Oh, it did for a while.”  Melody tells me, placing my bag in the entryway and then leading me into the dining room.  “But it seems like people aren’t interested in history like they used to be.  Nobody cares about an old civil war spirit I guess”

       As I round the corner of the dining room I’m immediately hit with the pleasant aroma of savory, delicious food.  There are two places set at the end of the table, one for Melody and one for me, and an entire assortment of roast vegetables, grilled meats, and a cauldron of soup in the middle.

       “Oh my god.”  I gasp in astonishment.  “You can’t be serious, this looks incredible.”

       “Well, I figured you probably had a long journey today so I figured I’d whip up some dinner.” Melody explains.  “It’s just the two of us tonight but I reckoned that if I’m gonna go through the trouble of cooking, I might as well do it right.”

       Melody sits down in her chair and I follow suit, smiling graciously as she dishes up some of the creamy soup into a bowl and hands it to me.  Even if I don’t see any colonial ghosts on this trip, this is still one hell of a bed and breakfast.

       “Can I ask?”  I start.  “If it’s just the two of us here, then who was that unicorn upstairs when I drove in?”

       “Upstairs?”  Melody asks, slightly confused.

       “Yeah, he was staring down at me from the far left window.”  I explain.

       Melody freezes as she hears this, a smile slowly creeping across her wrinkled old face.  “A unicorn, you say?”

       I nod, not quite seeing what the big deal is at this point.

       Melody sits in silence for just a moment longer and then stands up.  “Dinner can wait for just a moment, I think you’ll want to see this.”  The elderly woman leaves the dining room and heads back across the hall to what appears to be the main living quarters; two sofas, a fireplace, a mantle, and hanging above it a massive oil painting.

       I follow Melody, but the second that I lay my eyes upon the strange portrait I stop, gazing up in wonder at the incredible sight that suspends before more.  There in the thick strokes of vivid color sits a familiar face, one that I recognize almost immediately.  It’s the unicorn that I spotted in the window upstairs.

       The creature looks absolutely regal, sitting atop a horse with the wind blowing through his sparkling unicorn mane.  He’s wearing a dark uniform and carrying a flag that waves in the wind behind him.

       “Is that the unicorn that you saw in the window?”   Melody asks.

       I nod.

       “That’s Colonel Peach, he’s been dead since the civil war.”  The old woman informs me.

       This information is almost too shocking to comprehend, a revelation so strange that I have to silently repeat it back to myself over and over again until finally it clicks.  I had just seen the ghost with my very own eyes.

       Melody is kind enough to let me stay in the Colonel’s old chambers tonight, which is precisely the room that I saw his single-horned ghost just hours earlier.  The room is slightly chilly but beautifully arranged, featuring heavy oak furniture that has probably been here since the manor was built all those years ago.

       The room itself gives me that same spooky feeling that I got upon arrival at these haunted grounds, an eerie kind of presence that seems to be lurking within each and every shadow.

       As it grows later, the silver moonlight begins to stretch longer into the room.  I’m lying in bed, reading quietly over some recently published papers on the paranormal.

       Suddenly, I jump, a loud knock against the hardwood floors drawing my attention to the closed bedroom door before me.

       “Hello?”  I call out.  “Miss Melody?”

       This particular room has not yet been retrofitted for modern electricity, so I have been reading by candlelight.  I glance over as the tiny flame flickers and struggles to stay alive, fighting against some strange cold wind as it gusts through the room with supernatural speed.

       There is no response to my inquisitive call, but as I listen closely I can faintly hear what appears to be the wild cries of a civil war battle, the sounds echoing within my ears.  I can hear the clap of muskets firing and the shouting of battle commands.  A bungle rings out over the sound of thundering hooves as soldiers ride into battle.  It’s an utterly frightening illusion in its stark realness, and can only be perceived as false because it simply makes no sense.

       My heart pounding within my chest, I watch as the doorknob to my bedroom begins to turn slowly.  There is a loud metallic click and then moments later the door itself starts to open as a dark figure emerges.

       “You called?”  Comes the voice of Melody.

       I let out a massive sigh of both relief and, of course, disappointment.  I’m here to see a ghost, after all.

       “Did you…” I stammer.  “Did you hear that?”

       “Hear what?”  Melody asks.

       “All of that fighting?  Those war sounds?”  I continue.

       Melody just shakes her head.  “No, I’m afraid that I didn’t, but it sounds like being in this room has spooked you quite a bit.  Are you sure you don’t want me to put you up somewhere else?”

       “Oh no.”  I tell the caring elderly woman.  “I’m here to see the colonel, and this seems like the best place to do it.”

       Melody turns to leave and then stops for a moment, hesitating.  She turns back around.  “Roger, why is it that you are so interested in seeing these spirits for yourself.”

       I take a deep breath, closing my book and setting it down on the bedside table next to me.  “Long ago, when I was just a nineteen-year-old fresh out of school, I took a trip to Spain.  It was incredible, the food, the men.”  I tell her, letting Melody in on a subtle hint about my sexuality, in case she didn’t already notice.  “Anyway, I was there for a month and during that time I met a beautiful white unicorn named Paulo.  He was so handsome, and so good to me.  I rode around the city on his back all day and, in the evenings, Paulo would take me back to his flat and we would make love.”

       Melody gets a faint little twinkle in her eye.  “Awe, that sounds very sweet.”

       I nod.  “It was, it was.  Back in those days unicorn and human relationships were looked down upon, but we didn’t care.  When Paulo and me were together it was like we could take on anything, change the world.  I don’t know if you believe in soul mates, Miss Melody, but I can assure you they are real.”

       “I believe.”  Melody says, smiling to herself.

       “Then I’m guessing you know what it’s like to loose your soul mate as well.”  I say, tearing up a bit.  “You see, Paulo the unicorn was hoof hearted, meaning his heart was the size of a hoof, much too small for a unicorn of his size.  I didn’t know at the time, but he only had a few weeks left to live.”

       As I say this Melody places her hand over her heart, hurting for me as I remember my long lost lover.

       “After, Paulo passed away.”  I continue.  “I’ve been obsessed with the afterlife.  I just want to know if he’s still out there somewhere, my handsome Spanish unicorn.”

       “I’m sure he’s out there.”  Melody assures me.  “Looking down on you.”

       We stand in silence for a moment, before Melody nods and backs out into the hallway.  She closes the door quietly behind her. 

I grab my book off of the bedside table and start to read again.

       I only make it a few sentences in before the words start to blur together in a meaningless mess.  Getting emotional about Paulo my unicorn lover has made me tired, and before I know it I find myself drifting off to sleep.

       I’m not sure how long I’ve been out when I awaken, but I sit up abruptly and suck in a huge gasp of air.  My book, which had been resting on my lap, falls to the floor next to the bed with a light thump as I attempt to figure out exactly what it was that startled me awake so abruptly.

       Faintly, I can hear my own name drifting through the night air.  It sounds as though it’s coming from right outside my window, emanating from somewhere in the front yard of this spooky old manor.

       Cautiously, I climb to my feet and tiptoe over to the window, looking out onto the moon soaked lawn.

       My breath catches in my throat.  There before me, in all of his majestic unicorn ghost glory, is Colonel Peach.  The unicorn colonel sits atop his powerful steed in full uniform, looking up at me as I gaze down at him.  He’s just as handsome as the painting that hangs downstairs, and despite my best efforts I almost immediately find myself just as aroused as I am afraid.

       The sound of my own name still echoes through the trees.  “Roger, roger.”  It’s as if the unicorn colonel is begging me to run down to him and let him pick me up in his big, strong, ghost arms.

       Compelled by some supernatural force, I turn away from the window, ready to sprint down to the colonel and give myself to him, but he’s already here with me.  I stop abruptly, shocked as I discover that the ghost has somehow instantly appeared within my room, no more than five feet away.

       Now that I’m this close I can see that the colonel’s body is slightly transparent, shimmering faintly as it sparkles with a strange unicorn magic.  I can also see now how incredibly handsome this beast is, from his pearly horn to his heavy hooves, which poke out from the pants of his beautiful civil war uniform.

       “Roger.”  The unicorn colonel says.  “I have come here to deliver a message from beyond.  I have come to bring you a message from Paulo.”

       The sound of my dead lovers name causes my heart to skip a beat.  “What is it?”  I stammer.  “Tell me.” 

As I say the words I can feel a slight tingling begin deep within my ass, in a place that only Paulo could reach with his massive unicorn cock.  In this moment I realize that Paulo’s spirit is inside of me, haunting my ass.

“Paulo has a message from the great beyond.”  The unicorn colonel tells me. “A message of passion and fire, a message of love.”

“I can feel it.”  I admit.  “I can feel him deep within my butt.”

The unicorn colonel nods.  “Yes, but he’s always been there, haunting your ass while you worked, slept… cried.”

“He was there all along.”  I repeat.

The unicorn colonel nods.  “Even though he’s not powerful enough yet to manifest himself in physical form, he wanted me to pleasure you the way that he cannot.”

At first I’m not exactly sure what Colonel Peach is saying, the strange invitation bouncing off of my brain a few times before finally sinking in.  When I realize what he’s getting at, however, I can’t help being overwhelmed with a powerful arousal that immediately floods into my veins.

“You mean, Paulo want’s us to fuck?”  I ask, my voice trembling.

“He want’s to give you pleasure.”  Says the Colonel Peach.  “And right now this is the best way for him to do that.”

I close my eyes and try to grapple with the idea of giving myself to a lover other than Paulo.  Since Paulo’s death, I hadn’t slept with a single soul, unicorn or otherwise, and the idea alone seemed daunting.  Still, just the suggestion had gotten my so worked up, my dick rock hard within my boxer briefs and just begging to be unleashed.  Besides, this is what Paulo wants for me.

I swallow hard and then step forward so that I’m just inches away from the ghostly unicorn.  “I want you.”  I say, letting my hand drift lower and lower until it reaches Colonel Peach’s belt buckle, which I unclasp.

       “I want you, too.”  The handsome dead unicorn says, finally giving in.

       I undo his belt and then slowly unzip the Colonel’s pants, which reveal no civil war era underwear underneath.

       Instead, I’m greeted by this sight of his beautiful throbbing member, which springs forth from the fabric as soon as I let it.  Colonel Peach is hard as a rock and aching to be touched, his enormous unicorn cock jutting fiercely out towards me.

       I smile and slowly drop down into a squat before the beast, so that his shaft is pointed directly at my chiseled face, and then look up at him with my soulful gay eyes.

       “Do you want me to suck you off?”  I ask playfully.  “For Paulo?”

       The unicorn colonel doesn’t answer, silent for a moment as he takes me in with his eerie, ghostly presence.  He seems just as fascinated by me as I am of him.

       “I said, do you want me to suck off that big, fat, unicorn cock of yours?”  I repeat.

       Finally, Colonel Peach breaks his silence; the single word barely making it out of his gently parted lips alive.  “Yes.”

       With that, I open wide and engulf Colonel Peach’s cock with my mouth, pushing my head down along the length of his shaft until I reach the edge of my gag reflex.  I close my eyes and focus, relaxing my body until finally I feel comfortable going even deeper.  Eventually, I reach the base of his shaft with my lips, my face pushed right up against Colonel Peach’s hard unicorn abs as he fills my throat entirely.

       The creature lets out a long, satisfied moan, his entire body shaking from my masterful deep throat.  I can feel the colonel’s hoof hands press gently on the back of my head and hold me there, hesitating, as if he’s still not entirely sure that he wants to commit to this favor for a ghostly friend.

       But the ship has already sailed, and as I reach up and begin to play with the beast’s hanging balls that rest against my chin, the feeling is just too much for Colonel Peach to ignore.  He starts to pump me up and down his shaft, slowly at first and then gaining speed as the waves of pleasure start to overwhelm him.

       I look up at the colonel and we lock eyes, his cock planted firmly in my throat.  I can’t help but give him a playful little wink, and suddenly he’s over the edge completely, a crazed look of sexual passion overwhelming his expression as he rocks his hips against me.

       I slowly pull his unicorn pants father and farther down until he’s able to step out of them.  Releasing Colonel Peach from my mouth I stand up and give him a deep kiss.

       “Lie down on the bed.”  I instruct.

       The unicorn ghost starts to protest slightly but I’m firm with my instructions.  I grab his hoof in my hand and then force it down the front of my boxer brief’s, letting him feel the hard thickness of my massive rod. 

       “Do you want this dick?”  I ask plainly. 

       “I can’t.”  The colonel explains.  “I’m a unicorn, I’ll break it.”

       “Me and Paulo used to fuck on our bed all the time.”  I tell him.  “So that’s what we’re gonna do.”

       The unicorn understands, and moments later he removes his uniform completely and climbs up into the massive oak bed, which creaks under the weight of his massive unicorn body.

       “You look good.” I coo, egging the beast on.

       Finding his confidence, Colonel Peach sprawled out on his bed before me, his cock hard and standing at full attention.  It’s much longer and thicker than I had even realized when it was engulfed within my mouth, and now that I can fully inspect the translucent, ghostly shaft’s incredible size I’m even more impressed.

       I slowly strut across the hardwood floors towards Colonel Peach, enjoying the way that his eyes flicker and dance across my ripped, muscular body.  At this point, he can’t help but stare.

       Seductively, I climb up onto the bed and crawl towards him, popping my gay ass out into the air as I go and then eventually positioning myself directly over his huge body.  I take Colonel Peach’s hooves and pull them above his head, controlling him completely as I make my way down his ripped chest and abs with a series of sensual kisses.

       Despite my newfound confidence, however, I find myself trembling with anticipation and fear.  I know that it’s Paulo who want’s this, but I can’t keep myself from imaging my lover watching over us, analyzing every move that we make.  Moments later, however, I feel that familiar tingle deep within my ass; a reminder.

       I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and then let go of any reservations I had left within me.  Immediately, I reach down and take Colonel Peach’s huge rod into my hand, aligning him with the puckered tightness of my gay asshole.

       “Oh fuck.”  The colonel groans instinctively as I push down onto him, letting out a soft moan of my own as the powerful beast slides up inside of me, my asshole expanding to it’s limits in an effort to take his brutal insertion.

       His presence fills me with a sensation that is familiar and warm, a distant memory that had been locked away until this very moment.  I bite my lip instinctively and start to grind against him with firm, deep swoops of my hips.

       I’m not fully prepared for the long forgotten sensation of being entered by a unicorn lover, and almost immediately I’m beside myself with pleasure, my body trembling and quaking as I ride him.  It’s as if all the sexual bliss that I’ve been staving myself from has been here the whole time, hiding away in some dark corner of my being and just waiting to be released by the right gay beast.

       “Oh my god.”  I pant loudly, repeating the words over and over again.  “Oh my god, oh my god.”

       Colonel Peach’s hooves are on my hips, helping to pull me up and down across him in an incredible pulsing rhythm.   I can feel all of his powerful strength though this minor touch; he’s showing restraint, his body handling me firmly but with care.

       “Let go.”  I tell him.  “Just pound me like my dead unicorn lover would.”

       That does the trick.  Suddenly, Colonel Peach is sitting up and flipping me over with his muscular unicorn legs, turning me around to that I’m facing away from him on my hands and knees.  I look back at him and smile.

       There’s a loud crack as Colonel Peach slaps my ass with a hoof, hard, then he grabs me by my hips and pulls me back towards him with ease.  He takes his cock and maneuvers it into the entrance of my anal tightness.  There’s a fire in Colonel Peach’s eyes as he thrusts into me, the massive rod filling my butthole entirely as I cry out with a yelp of pleasure.  Colonel Peach wastes no time now, immediately getting to work as he rams my body from behind.

       I grip tightly onto the bed sheets in front of me, bracing myself against the unicorn colonel’s powerful slams.  There is an animalistic nature to his thrusting now, more brazen than sensual, but the ghostly creature still knows exactly how to hit my prostate on the inside.  Somehow, this is even more of a turn on than before, his gentlemanly demeanor finally cracking before my very eyes, the poker face slipping away and finally revealing the sexual beast underneath.

       “Harder!”  I scream back at him, never more turned on my entire life.  “Fuck me harder like the little human twink that I am!”

       Colonel Peach doesn’t need to be told twice, picking up speed until he is absolutely pummeling me with everything that he’s got, slamming my asshole from behind with gay reckless abandon.

       I reach down and grab a hold of my cock, beating myself off furiously.

       Deep within my stomach I can now feel the first beautiful sparks of orgasm begin to fly, lighting a tiny fire that slowly but surely begins to creep its way out across my body.  I can’t help but start to tremble and quake as the sensation consumes me, filling me with a strange warmth from head to toe.

       The tremors of pleasant sensation keep coming in awesome waves, the space between them drawing shorter until finally it just becomes one giant ball of pleasure that envelops my body.  I clench my teeth tightly and let out a long hiss, frantically grasping at the last straws of reality before a powerful orgasm pushes me over the edge.

       I’m outside myself now, looking down at my body as I cum harder than I ever have.  Jizz erupts from the head of my cock, splattering onto the bed sheets before me in a beautiful pattern of milky white.  It’s a satisfaction that can barely be described, a blinding fullness that consumes me perfectly.  I throw my head back and let out a howl of ecstasy, unable to contain all of this sensation within.  In this moment, I know that Paulo is with me, haunting my ass with Colonel Peach.

       I don’t have long to mull on this, however, because seconds later the colonel is shaking as well, his massive unicorn body preparing for an orgasm of his own.

       “Cum all over me!”  I demand fiercely.  “Shoot that load all over this handsome gay face of mine!”

       Colonel Peach pulls out and gives his cock three final pumps with his hand, then grips tightly against the base as a rope of hot jizz ejects out across me.  It feels nice against my skin; playful almost.

       The ghostly unicorn throws his head back and neighs, his abs held firm as several more pumps of cum eject from his shaft and splatter across my chin.

       “Thank you.”  I tell him when the spunk finally stops falling.

       The unicorn looks down at me with a look of satisfaction plastered across his face, then moments later evaporates into nothing.

       “I hope you found what you were looking for.”  Melody tells me as I carry my bags out to the car.

       I smile.  “I did, actually.”

       The old woman is very pleased with this answer and, despite only knowing me for a day, gives me one final hug.  “You’re a very nice young man.”  She informs me.

       “Thanks, Melody.”  I tell her.

       “I hope that one day our paths will cross again.”   The old woman says as she releases her grip and I climb into the driver’s seat of my car.

       I look up at her.  “Are you kidding me?”  I’ll be back within the week.”

       “Really?”  Melody asks, her eyes lighting up.

       “Just don’t forget to put some more of that amazing soup on!”

       As I drive away from the old manor I catch a glimpse of two ghostly unicorns standing off at the edge of a nearby field, patiently awaiting my return.