Nice Guy Dinosaur Doesn’t Pound Me In The Butt Because I’m Not Interested And He’s Not Actually Nice He’s Just Annoying And Creepy And Doesn’t Respect My Boundaries When I Tell Him We’re Not On A Date - (Classic Tingler Revisited)

aw yes... NICE GUY DINOSAURS. we all know the type, they talk a lot about how good they are and sweet and kind but when it is time to trot they have a real CREEPY VIBE right under the surface. just so we are all on the same page i am a BIG SUPPORTER of being nice, but in this case we are speaking on folks who put up the illusion of being nice when they really just want something in return.

something interesting about this tingler is that when it was published THE TITLE WAS TOO LONG FOR AMAZON so the computer accidentally cut it short, and to this day there are some buckaroos who get the title confused. i guess that is yet another great thing about this patreon trot because we can set the dang record straight.

alright buckaroos please enjoy this no pound tingler NICE GUY DINOSAUR DOESN’T POUND ME IN THE BUTT BECAUSE I’M NOT INTERESTED AND HE’S NOT ACTUALLY NICE HE’S JUST ANNOYING AND CREEPY AND DOESN’T RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES WHEN I TELL HIM WE’RE NOT ON A DATE

 When Montan learns that his local comic shop is holding a tournament for one of his favorite, old-school videogames, he desperately wants to go. Unfortunately, tickets have been sold out for a while, but when a fedora-wearing dinosaur named Prenko overhears Montan’s dilemma, he offers an extra ticket.

Now Montan finds himself wrapped up in a date from hell with a self-proclaimed gentleman gamer, nice guy, and pick up artist; all while making it very clear that this is not a date.

By the end of the night, Prenko thinks he’s earned enough nice guy points to demand some physical gratification in return, but he’s about to learn that nobody’s ever owed sex, not even in a Chuck Tingle book.

This important no-sex tale is 4,100 words of blossoming annoyance between a moron who thinks he’s a nice guy and a buckaroo telling him to get lost, including standing up for yourself and receiving support from your friends.

----

NICE GUY DINOSAUR DOESN’T POUND ME IN THE BUTT BECAUSE I’M NOT INTERESTED AND HE’S NOT ACTUALLY NICE HE’S JUST ANNOYING AND CREEPY AND DOESN’T RESPECT MY BOUNDARIES WHEN I TELL HIM WE’RE NOT ON A DATE

By Chuck Tingle

On days like today, it’s nice to get a little sun. It’s a warm, breezy afternoon and my friend Clamp and I are sitting out in the courtyard of my apartment building, grilling up some burgers as we relax on what it shaping up to be a pretty good Saturday.

         Clamp is manning the grill while I’m lost in a haze, staring out at the lush garden before me and watching as large ferns sway gently in the wind.

         “Did you hear about the Revengers Videogame tournament this weekend over at the comic book store?” Clamp questions, flipping one of the sizzling burgers as its delicious scent wafts across my nostrils.

         “Wait, seriously?” I question. “That old school game from when we were kids?”

         Clamps nods. “Yep, there’s like a five hundred dollar prize.”

         “Holy shit, we’ve gotta enter,” I blurt. “I used to be so damn good at Revengers.”

         “Already looked into it,” Clamp informs me. “They had a limited number of entries and they’re all taken. People bought tickets up to a year in advance.”

         “That’s nuts,” I reply.

         Clamp finally finishes his work at the grill, pulling off our burgers with his metallic tool and flopping them down into a set of warm, golden buns. Cheese is already running down the sides of our burgers in beautiful yellow streaks, and a little onion, pickles, lettuce and special sauce only adds to the glorious sight.

         My friend grabs two paper plates and carefully walks our food over, sitting the freshly prepared meal on the table before me. “This looks amazing,” I gush.

         Clamp pops open a cold bottle of chocolate milk and two of us toast.

         “Thanks for having me over, Montan, this is fun,” Clamp says as our glass bottles clink off of one another.

         My friend and I both take huge bites of our burgers at the same time, reacting with shock and excitement at just how great these culinary creations have turned out. Neither of us is a particularly good cook, so this whole thing has been a welcome surprise.

         “Remember when we’d play Revengers against each other on that snow level?” Clamp offers after swallowing his first bite. “What was that place called again?”

         “Lockup,” I reply.

         Suddenly, there’s a loud scoff from a bench across the garden from us.

 Clamp and I glance over to see a large green dinosaur in a black trench coat, chuckling loudly and rolling his eyes. He’s got a fedora on his head and a bottle of bright green soda in his hand that is so neon I wouldn’t be surprised if it was toxic to consume.

         “Are you okay?” I question.

         The dinosaur nods. “I’m sorry, m’buds. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about the Revengers videogame, a true classic for refined gentlemen.”

         Clamp and I exchange glances, not quite sure what to make of this dinosaur’s strange attitude. I’ve seen him around the apartment complex quite a few times, but he always keeps his eyes down to the ground when he passes me. This is the first time we’ve actually exchanged words.

         “What about it?” Clamp questions.

         “That stage is not called lockup, it’s called lockout,” the dinosaur informs us, still laughing to himself has he shakes his head from side to side. I can see now that sweat is pouring down his forehead from wearing an enormous trench coat on this hot Summer’s day.

         “Oh yeah, I guess you’re right,” I reply.

         “That’s okay, it’s an easy mistake for a casual gamer like you to make,” the dinosaur continues. “Sometimes I forget that the world is not only made up of intellectuals like myself.”

         “Okay,” is all that I can think to say, turning my attention back to my friend as we continue to enjoy our meal.

         This interruption has thrown us so far out of our conversation that I don’t even know where to begin again, at a loss for words.

         As Clamp and I sit in silence, we begin to her heavy, labored breathing from behind us. We both look back to see that the dinosaur is still sitting in the sun, baking in the heat as he closes his eyes and continues to sweat through his coat.

         “Are you okay?” I finally ask. “It’s a little hot to be out to be dressed like that.”

         “Oh, m’bud. If you only knew what it truly takes to prepare for my gamer’s battle you would not be so flippant with your words,” the dinosaur offers. “I’m out here meditating as I prepare for the Revengers tournament tomorrow, clearing my mind. This is how I study the blade, and it’s also how I’ll study m’games.”

         “But why are you wearing a fedora and a tench coat?” I continue.

         The dinosaur laughs. “You always train in the attire that you will don for battle, this is the Joker’s first rule of war.”

         “I don’t think it is,” I continue.

         “A gentleman gamer and certified nice guy like myself isn’t going to show up at the tournament looking like a slob.”

         “Fair enough,” I offer.

         “I’m guessing the two of you are going?” questions the dinosaur.

         “Oh no,” I reply, shaking my head from side to side. “We just talked about trying to get tickets, but it’s been sold out for a long time ago.”
         The dinosaur grins, then stands up and walks over to me. He reaches into his coat and pulls out a card, handing it to me proudly.

         I read the card aloud. “Prenko Pimmis, professional gentleman gamer, pick up artist, and certified nice guy.”

         “At your service, m’bud,” Prenko offers.

         “Nice to meet you Prenko. I’m Montan and this is my friend Clamp,” I reply.

         Prenko doesn’t even look at Clamp as I introduce my friend, his eyes fixed directly onto me. “You know, I happen to have three tickets to attend the Revengers videogame tournament, and I would be honored if you would go with me.”

         Clamp and me exchange glances. “Of course we’d like to go!” I finally blurt, determining that Prenko’s strangeness is not quite bad enough to keep us away from some free tickets.

         “Oh…” Prenko says, glancing back and forth between Clamp and me. “I only intended to invite you, Montan. This isn’t your boyfriend is it?”

         I shake my head. “We’re just friends, I don’t have a boyfriend,” I tell him, “but we weren’t super invested in the tournament so… if only one of us can go don’t worry about it. Thank you so much, though.”
         I can tell the prospect of me bringing a friend really bothers Prenko, but is slightly more tolerable than me inviting a boyfriend.

         Finally, the dinosaur accepts my offer.

         “Alright, m’bud. We can all go, but you must promise to spend a large portion of the time with me,” Prenko finally says. “I am a nice guy and I deserve to be recognized as such.”

         “I… alright,” I reluctantly agree. “Just to be clear. This isn’t a date.”

         “Of course. Meet tomorrow at five in the parking lot,” offers Prenko. “M’carriage will be ready.”

While some people like to dress up as their favorite characters for comic shop events like this, Clamp and I decide not to go all out. I’m excited to see all the cool costumes, but those take a lot of time to make and this is one of our first big videogame gatherings. Instead, I don a T-shirt featuring my favorite character and we head out the door.

         When we reach the parking lot we find Prenko waiting for us, dressed in the same trench coat and fedora as before and leaning back against his car as he snacks on a bag of nacho cheese Doritos.

         “Greetings, M’bud,” he says to me as I approach, bowing deep and taking my hand in his. He gives my hand a kiss.

         “Hey there,” I reply in turn. “Ready to roll?”

         Prenko nods. “You sit in front.”
         We pull open our doors and climb into the car, but the second I sit down in my passenger seat I notice something is very wrong. I turn in my chair to find that the entire back seat is filled with garbage, ranging from discarded snack packages to entire bags of Styrofoam. The smell is unpleasant, but even more concerning is the fact that there’s definitely not enough room for Clamp.

         “Oh, I’m sorry about that,” says Prenko to my friend as he stands outside of the car. “I don’t think I’ve got enough room for you.”

         “Should we just clean it out?” I question.

         “No time,” Prenko informs me. “The tournament is about to start. Your friend will have to find his own way.”

         Prenko throws his car in reverse and then pulls out into the parking lot, waving to Clamp as we drive away.

         “He’ll be fine,” Prenko offers.

         I consider making Prenko pull over, but then realize Clamp would probably much rather take his own car anyway. It’s hard to tell which one of us is the lucky one right now.

         “That’s a nice outfit,” Prenko offers.

         “Yeah, I thought about going to this in some cosplay or something, but I’m new to the event scene so I don’t really have any options. I wasn’t prepared,” I explain.

         “Cosplay?” Prenko replies with a chuckle. “M’bud, as my date for the evening I would not allow your body to be exposed in such a way. I am a nice guy and I will protect the honor of m’bud, even if that means protecting him from himself.”

         “Sorry, but that decision has nothing to do with you,” I reply, fairly disturbed already. “I just didn’t have a costume made.”

         “Fair enough, m’bud,” Prenko says, tipping his fedora at me.

         We ride along for a short while and then suddenly Prenko mades a quick turn into the parking lot of nearby chain restaurant.

         He parks, then gets out of the car.

         “Uh… where are you going?” I question.

         “I would never think to take a bud on a date without feeding him a proper meal, I’m a gentleman gamer after all,” Prenko explains. “Why do serious?”

         “I thought we were in a hurry,” I retort. “Isn’t that why you left Clamp behind?”

         “A hurry to get to the restaurant,” Prenko explains. “We’re on a very strict timeline tonight.”

         I climb out of the car. “I’m not really that hungry.”

         “You can order as much or as little as you’d like,” Prenko laughs. “I like a bud who watches his figure, though.”

         We head inside and meet the host, who directs us to our table right away. Prenko and I slide into our booth across from one another.

         Every step of the way it has become more and more clear that Prenko thinks this situation is much more serious than it actually is. It’s fascinating to watch and, although in similar situations I might be a little frightened by this clearly unhinged man, his extreme lack of personal care makes me think he’s not capable of accomplishing much.

         I decide that, for the time being, it’s still worth it to hang out with this sad, strange man. After all, there’s a fun event waiting for me at the end of the meal.

         “You two know what you’d like to order?” our waitress suddenly asks, approaching with a papar and pencil.

         “I’ll have the chicken tendies,” Prenko replies. “Actually, two orders of the chicken tendies. My friend here will have the salad.”

         “Right away,” the waitress replies with a nod, then begins to turn away.

         Fortunately, I have time to stop her.

         “Wait,” I cry out. “I have no idea why he just ordered for me. That’s not what I want.”

         “M’bud said he wasn’t hungry for much, and ordering for you is the gentlemanly thing to do,” the fedora wearing dinosaur retorts. “Taking control is one of my pick up artist tactics.”

         “I’ll just have a grilled cheese,” I tell the waitress.

         Prenko eyes me up and down for a moment, then finally shrugs it off. “So have to ever played Revengers?” the dinosaur asks. “It’s a very complicated videogame. An intellectual gamer like myself can navigate it with ease, but it might be difficult for someone like you.”

         “Yeah, I used to play it a lot when I was a kid,” I reply.

         Prenko immediately breaks out in a fit of raucous laughter, trying his best to calm down but unable to do so. I take a long sip from my water, waiting it out until, finally, Prenko settles once more.

         “You seem like such a casual gamer,” he finally says. “I can’t believe you’ve actually played Revengers.”
         “You already knew this,” I inform him. “We we’re talking about it in the courtyard the other day.”

         “I must have not been listening,” Prenko continues.

         “You literally interrupted us to have a conversation about it,” I remind him.

         Prenko shrugs. “I have a lot on my mind, especially after a good meditation or study session with my blade. I ponder a lot of advanced ideas that are difficult for most people to grasp. Questions about society. Questions about real cinema, before superhero movies were destroyed by wokeness. I am very smart, m’bud.”
         “Okay,” I reply, just letting him talk it out.

         Prenko continues rambling until the food arrives, at which point we dive in. The grilled cheese is actually pretty good, and the fact that Prenko can’t seem to really talk and eat at the same time makes the rest of our meal considerably more pleasant than before.

         When the two of us finally finish, the check arrives.

         I pull out my wallet and put down my credit card, then watch as Prenko checks his pockets. “I’m sorry, M’bud, I seem to have lost my card.”

         “It’s… fine,” I offer.

         The waitress comes by and we settle up.

         Soon enough, Prenkon and me are heading back out to the car.

         “Our first date, I shall remember this day for a very long time,” Prenko tells me.

         “It wasn’t a date,” I remind him.

         The dinosaur seems to go out of his way to ignore this, because I’m damn near certain that he heard me. Regardless, he doesn’t react, just hops in the car and waits for me to join him.

         “Let’s go,” I offer as I climb into the passage seat.

         We sit here idling for a moment, the car completely silent as Prenko stares at me with his huge dinosaur eyes, clearly waiting for something. I can see him from my peripheral, and I try to ignore his strange gaze for as long as I possibly can until, finally, I give in and turn to look at him.

         “I have been a nice guy all night, and now you’re disrespecting me,” Prenko says, clearly a little upset about something. “You didn’t even say thank you for dinner.”

         “Thank you?” I question. “I just bought it.”
         “I brought us here, though!” Prenko counters. “And I would’ve paid if I had my wallet.”

         “But you didn’t,” I remind him.

         The two of us sit in silence for a moment.

         Finally Prenko starts his car, still not saying a word as we pull back out onto the road. The dinosaur has shown me a lot of strange and unexpected emotions tonight, but now is the first time I’ve seen his simmering anger and aggression bubble up to the surface. His quietness is unsettling, but fortunately there are only a few blocks to travel.

         It’s not long before we’re pulling up outside the comic book shop, where Clamp is standing by the curb and waiting for us.

         We park, and Prenko turns to me. “Now, I have a few rules for when we’re-“

         Before the dinosaur has a chance to finish, I’ve opened the door and am climbing out onto the sidewalk. I give Clamp a big hug when I see him, happy to be around someone normal again.

         “How was it?” my friend questions.

         “Oh my god,” I reply, my eyes wide. “I’ve got some amazing stories.”

         Prenko strolls over to us, clearly trying his best to remain calm. He forces a smile.

         “Here are the tickets,” Prenko says, handing one to each of us.

         “Awesome,” I reply, genuinely thankful for his generosity, regardless of how weird he’s acting. “Thanks.”

         The three of us head inside, immediately greeted by a wild party of loud music and decadent foods. On a back wall of the comic book shop the Revengers videogame is being projected, patrons gathered around and cheering on the battle as it unfolds before them.

         “Cool!” I blurt, finding myself a lot more excited to be here than I expected to be.

         I turn to Clamp. “You want to go check out the game or should we browse a little bit.”
         “I might want to buy some comics, actually. It’s been a while,” my friend informs me.

         The two of us head over and start browsing the neatly organized rows of comic books, flipping through them one by one and pulling out a few that spark our interest. We laugh together, joking about the covers and reminiscing over issues that used to be a part of our collections.

         We’re having fun.

         “This is great,” I say. “Hey, where’s Prenko?”

         We hadn’t even noticed the dinosaur wasn’t with us.

         “Yeah, it’s really cool of him to get us these tickets,” Clamp continues. “Even if he is a little strange.”
         Eventually, we spot the fedora wearing dinosaur on the opposite side of the room, starring daggers as us as he watches in complete silence.

         “Uh… do you think he’s okay?” Clamp questions.

         “I don’t know,” I admit.

         Clamp and I wave at the dinosaur, who does nothing in return, just continues to stare back.

         “I better go talk to him,” I say, leaving my friend and strolling over to Prenko.

         “Hey man, what’s going on?” I question. “You wanna come browse the comic books with us?”

         “You said you would spend your time with me here, now you’re over there talking to some other guy,” the raptor says sternly.

         “You can come hang out with us,” I inform him. “We’re not trying to ditch you. Besides, me and you already had a whole dinner together. I haven’t seen Clamp all night.”
         “You probably like him more than me,” the dinosaur blurts.

         “I… um… he’s a good friend of mine. We’ve known each other since we we’re kids,” I reply. “Do you really want me to say which one of you I like more? Because me and you literally just met yesterday.”

         Prenko begins to mumble under his breath, his words barely audible. “That’s what I thought, just talking to Chad because he’s handsome. He won’t treat you right, though. I’m a nice guy, I’ll always treat you well.”

         “What was that?” I ask, legitimately not quite hearing him.

         “Nothing,” Prenko replies.

         “Okay… well, do you wanna come look at comic books with us,” I ask again.

         Prenko nods and then starts to follow me but stops halfway. “Just one thing,” the dinosaur begins.

         I turn back around to face the prehistoric creature. “Sure, what is it?”

         “I’ll only go if you promise you’ll honor my nice guy points,” Prenko says.

         I have no idea what he’s talking about, so I just stare at him blankly, not quite sure what to say.

         Finally, I simply offer a single word in return. “What?”

         “You have to honor my nice guy points,” Prenko repeats. “I took you out to dinner, I’ve been a gentleman gamer to you all night. I even let you order a grilled cheese instead of the salad I wanted you to eat. That means at the end of the night you have to sleep with me.”

         “Are you… are you joking?” I question.

         “I’m I gentleman gamer, m’bud. I don’t joke about serious things like nice guy points,” Prenko replies.

         “Okay, I’m going to say this again and it will be the last time, because you ignored me earlier,” I begin. “This is not a date. This never was a date, and it’s never going to be a date.”

         “But, m’bud,” is all that Prenko can think to say in protest.

         “No,” I reply flatly. “Second of all, that’s not how it works. You don’t earn points towards sex. This isn’t some kind of a videogame, this is a real world interaction between two sentient creatures.”

         “But I’m a nice guy,” Prenko protests.

         “If you do nice things to earn imaginary points towards sex, you’re not actually that nice. In fact, that makes you a horrible asshole,” I continue.

         I can tell that Prenko is upset now, literally trembling with anger. “You just want Chad!” he screams at me, causing the entire store to stop what they’re doing and stare in confusion, not quite sure what’s going on.

         To be honest, I’m not quite sure either.

         “My name is Clamp,” my friend calls over from where he’s standing. “Not Chad.”

         Prenko throws his hands up. “You owe me! You owe me sex right now for all the nice guy points!”

         “You’re disgusting,” I finally say, losing my cool.

         “I’m a nice guy,” Prenko yells, “and I can’t even get laid in a Chuck Tingle book!”

         “Not everyone gets pounded in a Chuck Tingle book, because pounding is never just a given. It’s about respect and understanding between consenting partners, and while there’s a whole lot of things to explore within that realm, the most important thing to include is the consent between partners part,” I explain. “Sure, we’re characters in an erotica book, and sure, Chuck Tingle writes a lot about pounding… but guess what? I don’t want to pound you, or be pounded by you. I don’t like you. If that’s not part of the equation then nothing else matters, and I don’t owe you shit.”
         The entire comic book shop suddenly erupts into applause, clearly happy to hear someone say this to Prenko’s face. I suddenly get the feeling that I’m not the first person he’s done this too, that a dinosaur like this clearly has a problem understanding the boundaries of everyone he comes into contact with, not just me.

         I can sense this is a turning point for the fedora-wearing creature. His mind is racing as the group around us cheers loudly, but where these thoughts are taking him I can only guess. Maybe this is the breakthrough moment that Prenko needed, a place on the timeline of his life where he can finally make a big change in the way that he sees the world.

         Unfortunately, Prenko chooses to take the opposite path.

         “You owe me sex! You owe me sex! I’m a nice guy!” the dinosaur begins to shriek with whiny belligerence, repeating the words over and over again as tears of anger stream down his face. “Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!”

         The crowd around us begins to boo, causing Prenko to finally lose his cool entirely. The dinosaur turns around and pushes through the door of the shop, his trench coat fluttering behind him as he heads out into the darkness of the night.

         “That was… interesting,” Clamp offers, stepping up beside me.

         “Yeah,” I reply. “I don’t give a damn about Prenko, but I’ve gotta admit I’m a little concerned about the readers. Are they gonna be okay without any sex in this Tingler?”

         “I think they’ll get it,” Clamp offers. “Sex isn’t owed. That applies to everything, even erotica books.”

         I nod. “Let’s get back to it then.”
         Soon enough, my friend and I are enjoying the party as it unfolds around us.

         After an hour or so, I’ve completely forgotten about my strange confrontation, and it’s only when the phone in my pocket starts to buzz over and over again that I remember Prenko.

         I pull the device out and stare at its glowing screen.

         “I’m sorry I was such and asshole, will you come meet me?” I read aloud, following the messages down. “Please respond. Please respond. Why aren’t you talking to me? I knew it, you’re just an asshole like I thought you were. Don’t ever talk to me again, you don’t deserve a nice guy like me.”

         Finally, one final message appears.

         “I’m sorry about that, please call me,” I read.

         I turn off my phone and put it in my pocket, excited to spend some quality time with my friends.