Not Pounded In The Butt By Anything And That's Okay - (Classic Tingler Revisited)

today worlds greatest author chuck is releasing NOT POUNDED BY ANYTHING VOLUME 3: SIX MORE PLATONIC TALES OF NON-SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS which is another collection of no sex tingleverse tales for buckaroos who want their trots pound free. it is always a joy to write these stories and while there are all kinds of reasons a bud might not want to kiss in this way, many of these stories are about asexual and aromantic buckaroos.

anyway got me thinking about ace and aro community, buds who have been so kind and welcoming to check as i start writing tales about this way. i have decided to celebrate i will post VERY FIRST pound free tingler NOT POUNDED IN THE BUTT BY ANYTHING AND THAT’S OKAY for buckaroos to enjoy this classic trot.

also wanted to give patreon buckaroos a little heads up behind the scenes info that chuck has two upcoming queer horror books on nightfire, first is CAMP DAMASCUS and second is BURY YOUR GAYS. i have not talked too much about details of these novels dont want to spoil anything but this feels like perfect place to mention that one of the lead characters is bury your gays is aromantic and asexual and i REALLY like her character, so i am counting down the dang days on this timeline before i can talk more on that.

okay buds please enjoy this classic POUND FREE tingler

When Ken starts his day late for a very important presentation at work, he has no idea how much this small mistake will change the rest of his life. Soon enough, the handsome man is having several platonic encounters with a Unicorn Butt Cop, his bigfoot boss, and a shirtless dinosaur librarian.

Eventually, Ken finds himself on a dinner date with the muscular dinosaur, feasting on a home cooked meal as the two enjoy each other’s presence. But is their connection simply friendship? Or something romantic?

One thing’s for sure, it’s definitely not sexual; and that’s okay!

This important tale is 4,100 words of blossoming friendship and possible non-sexual romance between buds, including learning about each other, sharing a home cooked meal, and a powerful love that is just as important with our without sex.

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NOT POUNDED IN THE BUTT BY ANYTHING AND THAT’S OKAY

By Chuck Tingle

I roll out of a mess of blankets and pillows, clearing my mind as I shake away the sleep and let the warm morning sunlight soak in though my skin. It’s a new day.

Next, I take a shower and get dressed, then pour myself a bowl of cereal with chocolate milk; all part of the usual routine. Today feels like just another day in a series of many, but little do I know how important this particular day is about to become.

I check my watch as I head out the door for work, thankful I’ve carved out enough time to prepare for my big presentation today. Everyone in the office is on pins and needles, but I feel like I’ve got everything under control.

The first sign that something’s not right is when I step from the elevator of my apartment building’s massive, hollow car garage, noticing immediately that damn near all the vehicles are missing. Only a handful of cars remain, meaning one of two things: I’m either very late, or everyone else has decided to leave very early.

I check my watch again, just to make sure, then smile confidently. Seven in the morning.

Heading towards my car I suddenly stop, panic shooting through my veins in an icy bolt. I frantically pull the phone from my pocket and check the time, gasping aloud when I see that it’s actually eight, not seven, and the device has updated itself automatically.

I forget about the change in daylight savings time.

“Oh fuck,” I blurt, suddenly breaking into a sprint as throw open my car door and climb inside.

I peel out from my spot and blast from the garage, weaving my way through the city streets as I struggle to make up lost minutes. While I still might make it to the office in time for my presentation, it’s not a guarantee, and I certainly can’t prepare in the way I was expecting to.

My heart slamming hard in my chest, I focus intently on the road ahead, my concentration only broken when a brilliant flash of red and blue lights appears in my rearview mirror.

“No!” I cry, immediately realizing what’s happening.

I pull my car over to the side of the road and take a deep breath, struggling to think of any way I can get out of this quickly and easily.

A large, muscular unicorn police officer appears at the driver’s side window next to me, prompting me to roll it down as I gaze up at him. The creature is shirtless, showing off his perfectly sculpted chest and abs.

“Unicorn Butt Cops: Highway Patrol,” the objectively handsome unicorn says in a deep, gruff voice. “Do you know how fast you were going back there?”

I hesitate, not quite sure how to respond. “I might have been going a little bit over the speed limit,” I finally admit.

The unicorn chuckles to himself, shaking his head as he gazes at me knowingly from behind enormous, mirrored glasses. “You we’re going twenty five over. That’s pretty fast.”
 I let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry,” I finally say.

The Unicorn Butt Cop nods. “License and registration,” he continues.

I hand the officer both, but before he walks away I call out to stop him. “Please!” I shout, prompting the muscular creature to turn around and stroll back to me. “Is there anythingI can do to speed this process up? Anything at all?”

The unicorn gazes over the rim of his glasses, a single bead of sweat forming on his brow in the brilliant morning sun.

“There is… one thing,” the muscular Unicorn Butt Cop replies.

I swallow hard. “Yeah?”

The creature hesitates for a moment. “You can promise to never do it again,” he finally says.

“Sounds great!” I reply, thankful to be let off so easy this time.

The Unicorn Butt Cop tears up a blank citation in his hand, then raps twice on the side of my car with his knuckles as he walks away. “Don’t do that again, okay? It’s dangerous.”

“I won’t! I promise!” I call out as I start my car and pull onto the city street once more, this time at a respectable speed.

While my presentation is incredibly important, it’s certainly not worth getting into an accident over. And besides, even if I do manage to make it where I’m going safely, a promise is a promise. I told this Unicorn Butt Cop I’d follow the speed limit, and that’s exactly what I intend to do.

Surprisingly, thanks to the fact that most people are already where they need to be and the morning traffic is relatively clear, I arrive at my office building only fifteen minutes later than expected.

I hop out of my ride and grab my briefcase, running over to the elevator and somehow making it inside before the sliding doors close. I press the button for the twenty-third floor and then count down the seconds as my lift cruises upward. It feels so much slower than usual.

The second the doors slide open I’m rushing out into the lobby, heading straight for the conference room where I’m certain everyone else is already waiting.

Seconds later, I’m bursting through the doors to see that I’m absolutely correct, an entire tableful of coworkers immediately turning to look at me. My boss, Mr. Blonto, is at the head of the long conference room table.

Mr. Blonto, a well-dressed bigfoot with dark brown fur and striking blue eyes, furrows his brow when he sees me. “Ken, we weren’t sure if you were planning on showing up for your presentation or not.”

“I’m so sorry,” I apologize, walking to the front of the room as opening up my briefcase. I pull out my notes and make sure everything is where it should be. “I forgot to change my clock.”

Mr. Blonto settles back into his chair, clearly a little bothered but not letting it ruin his day. “Fine, fine,” the muscular bigfoot tells me, waving his hand in the air as if to push away any lingering thoughts on the matter. “You’re here now, what have you got for us?”

I nod, walking over to my projector and flipping it on. “Tingleland,” I say aloud as a massive aerial map of the fantastical amusement park appears on the screen behind me. “An enormous theme park for adults, based on the complete works of Dr. Chuck Tingle.”

Mr. Blonto’s expression doesn’t seem to change at all, which gives me great concern, but I push ahead anyway.

“The themepark is going to feature several rides, all of them based on various notable works from Dr. Chuck Tingle. We’re going to have rollercoasters, dark rides, virtual reality simulations; the works. More importantly, we’re going to have restaurants and, of course, plenty of merchandise.”

Mr. Blonto can’t help but smile as the sweet mention of merchandising rolls across his ears. It’s a reaction that couldn’t come soon enough, and the second that I see his stoic façade break I can feel all of my trepidation slip away.

“We’re going to have four themed lands within the park,” I explain, walking over to the projection and pointing to each of the four segments. “Each one is themed after a different kind of Tingler. We’ve got Unicornland, Living Objectland, Dinosuarland, and of course, Bigfootland.”

My boss is nodding along now, and thusly, his table full of kiss asses are following suit, acting incredibly excited about this idea as it unfolds before them. To be honest, I don’t care if their reaction is genuine or not, I’m just glad to have them along for the ride.

“Do you have any questions so far?” I ask Mr. Blonto.

My boss considers this for a moment, letting everything I’ve just hit him with sink in as he rolls it around in his head.

“You said this is a theme park for adults, right?” Mr. Blonto questions.

I nod.

“Chuck Tingle’s books are great, I think we can all agree with that, but they’re also packed with graphic sex. You can’t just have a themepark full of rampant sexual imagery, even if it is for adults only.”
 “Not every Chuck Tingle book has sex in it,” I explain.

Mr. Blonto scoffs. “Somehow I doubt that,” the well-dressed bigfoot retorts.

“It’s true,” I insist. “This one isn’t.”

My boss mulls over these comments a little longer and then, suddenly, makes an announcement to the room. “Alright everyone, get out. Me and Ken need to chat privately for a moment.”

My coworkers stand up from their seats and take off without a word, getting back to work like good little drones while Mr. Blonto and I wait silently. Soon enough, the whole room is completely empty other than the two of us.

“May I speak openly?” my boss suddenly questions, a strange request from such an otherwise forward Sasquatch.

“Of course,” I tell him, turning off the projector.

Mr. Blonto climbs to his feet and begins to walk slowly towards me, loosening up his tie as he goes and then pulling it off completely.

“I have some concerns about the sexual element of this park,” he informs me in a deep, confident tone. “I think I might need a few examples of how it’s going to work.”

“I have a few examples right here,” I explain to Mr. Blonto, the hulking bigfoot now standing directly before me.

“I’m gonna need more than that,” he retorts, hesitating for a moment. “I’m gonna need… a lot more.”

“Anything,” I tell him.

Mr. Blonto nods. “I’m gonna need ten ride designs on my desk tomorrow morning. Bright and early”

My boss reaches out his hand and gives me a firm shake. “Great presentation. Why don’t you head home and get started on those. I know you’re much more creative out of the office.”
 “Thank you!” I reply. “That’s very understanding!”

“No problem,” retorts Mr. Blonto, turning and heading for the door. “Looking forward to it!” he calls back over his shoulder.

I collect my things, carefully packing up my briefcase as the excitement overwhelms me. I’d known this idea was a hard sell, but as a lifelong buckaroo I just had to give it a shot. Thankfully, it seems like the rest of my coworkers are, at least, receptive to the concept. Now I just need to blow them away with an incredible collection of ride plans.

I head back to the elevator and make my way down towards the garage once more, my mind already flooded with a myriad of different concepts for Chuck Tingle based rides.

Mr. Blonto was right, I really am much more creative when I work from home. I’m even more creative, however, when I work from the library.

With this in mind, I change course and head directly to the nearest library branch I can find.

I pull my car up out front and then head inside, immediately overwhelmed by a powerful sense of relaxation and tranquility as my vision is filled with stacks and stacks of beautiful old books.

In the day of the internet, this place may not be as popular as it once was, but it’s just as beautiful as ever.

I stroll over to a nearby table and consider claiming my spot, but at the last second I alter course and decide to go check out any texts there might be regarding theme park history an construction. Maybe there’s something laying around here that can get my creative juices flowing.

I know this particular library pretty well, and instinctively head over to the appropriate second. I slowly make my way through the aisles, my eyes wandering over binding after binding as I stroll. There’s so much here to get excited about that it’s almost overwhelming, and this proves to be the case when I suddenly find myself running directly into another person while they make their way down the aisle across to me.

“I’m so sorry,” I blurt, watching as a stack of books that was once held in this person’s arms goes clattering to the ground.

I bend down and immediately start gathering the texts, then stand up to find that I’m face to face with a light green raptor in thick-rimmed glasses. The two of us smile immediately as our eyes meet, a powerful sense of friendship and appreciation passing back and forth between us.

“It’s okay,” the dinosaur tells me. “My fault.”

I laugh. “No way, that was totally my fault. I should’ve been watching where I was going.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” the raptor continues to assure me.

I notice now that this prehistoric creature is shirtless, but he wears an official library nametag attached to the waistband of his pants.

“Oh, you work here,” I stammer.

The dinosaur nods. “I’m Trip, the handsome Jurassic librarian.”

“It’s nice to meet you Trip! I’m Ken,” I inform him. “I was actually looking for some books on the history of famous amusement parks.”

The raptor smiles. “Well, I’m glad I can help you then. We’ve been doing some rearranging. The history section is over there now,” he explains, pointing a long, clawed finger across the library.

“Thank you so much,” I gush.

The dinosaur casually leans against a nearby bookshelf now, his eyes narrowing slightly. “Is there anything else I can help you with?” he coos.

I consider his words for a moment. There’s something very cool about this raptor that I can’t quite put my finger on, a confident demeanor that makes me want to spend more time with him.

“What are you doing after work?” I finally question. “I’ve got a lot to do before my big meeting tomorrow, but if I get it finished then maybe we could hang out and talk about libraries.”

“Are you sure?” Trip questions. “I don’t wanna interrupt your work.”

“Oh yeah,” I assure him. “Some people think it’s best to work and work and work before a big meeting like this, but what they don’t realize is how important it is to relax, as well. You’ve gotta take care of your business, of course, but you can’t over do it.”

Trip grins with his perfect rows of sharp dinosaur teeth. “I think I can help you relax,” he says. “I’ll see you tonight.”

I’ve just finished plating dinner when the doorbell rings, and I walk over with both excitement and apprehension. I can already tell that Trip is a very, very hip dinosaur, and I hope that he thinks I’m just as hip in return.

I open the door. “Hey! Come in!” I offer my new friend.

The muscular raptor strolls inside, still shirtless. He glances around my apartment and nods in appreciation of my interior decorating skills. “This is a great place,” Trip tells me.

“Thank you,” I reply.

I can tell now that there’s a powerful tension blossoming between us, a potent ache that I can’t quite put my finger on but simmers with intensity in the pit of my stomach. It builds and builds as the two of us stand here in silence, just staring at one another until, eventually; I realize exactly what this feeling is.

“I’m so fucking hungry,” I suddenly blurt. “I’m sorry, I should’ve had a bigger lunch. I know you just got here but can we have dinner now?”

“Yes,” the muscular raptor gushes. “Of course.”

Suddenly, we’re rushing over to the dinner table, taking our seats and immediately chowing down on the food before us. I open wide and take a huge spoonful of mashed potatoes into my mouth, savoring the sweet, buttery flavor while I gaze across the table at my new friend. Trip is clearly enjoying himself, too, lost in a moment of utter satisfaction as he tries the green beans.

“Fuck. This is so fucking good,” the dinosaur groans.

“Thank you,” I moan in reply. “I’m proud of how it turned out.”

I shovel more and more of the delicious food into my mouth, alternating between the potatoes and the beans until, finally, I just can’t take it anymore and take both between my lips at the same time. I swallow hungrily, taking the strange mess of flavors down my throat as I close my eyes tight and focus on the sensation. It’s honestly much better than I would’ve thought, and only adds to the confident assertion that I’ve done a pretty good job for an amateur cook.

Now it’s time for the main course, but despite how excited I am, I can’t help but hesitate.

“You seem nervous,” Trip informs me.

I nod. “I am.”

“Why?” he coos.

“I’ve never done this before,” I finally admit.

Trip looks shocked. “Cooked?”

“Not for a guest like this,” I continue. “Mashed potatoes and green beans are easy, but I don’t know how I did on the main dish.”
 “I’m sure it’s fine,” the muscular, shirtless dinosaur assures me.

I stand up and stroll over to the kitchen, peeking into the oven and then glancing back over my shoulder at the raptor. It certainly looks amazing, but who knows how this roast actually tastes.

Slowly, I open the over farther and farther until it’s gaping wide for Trip to see, the sizzling main course looking absolutely mouthwatering as it waits for me and the raptor to make our move.

“You like what you see?” I call back to the dinosaur, his eyes transfixed on the delectable treat before him.

“Fuck yeah,” Trip offers in return.

I take a deep breath, then let it out, trying my best to collect myself before taking a final leap into the unknown.

“I have to tell you something,” I say, my voice trembling slightly.

“What is it?” Trip questions, a look of grave concern making its way across his face.

“This isn’t meat, it’s vegetarian,” I finally inform him. “I hope that’s okay.”

I hold my breath, on pins and needles as I wait for the librarian raptor’s reply. His expression stays completely blank for much longer than I’d like, but eventually a grin begins to creep its why across his lips.

“I’ve never had a vegetarian roast,” he says. “Sounds exciting! What’s in it?”

“I’m not sure,” I admit. “I just got it at the store. Pea protein I think?”

The raptor climbs up from his seat and positions himself behind me, leaning over my shoulder as he smells the delicious roast. He takes a big sniff, holding it in for a minute and then letting it out slowly. In and out the dinosaur breathes, quickly falling into a rhythm with me as we analyze this exciting new addition to our meal.
 “Fuck yeah,” the shirtless dinosaur gushes. “That smells like a roast to me. I can’t even tell the difference.”

“Wanna help me get it out?” I ask.

Trip nods and soon enough the two of us are pulling the sizzling faux meat dish out of the oven, setting it on the kitchen counter and admiring the bubbling juices that swim around it in the pan. I reach into a nearby drawer and pull out a large knife, cutting off a thick slab for each of us before we return to our seats at the table.

“I can’t wait for this,” the dinosaur says, his eyes wide and his mouth watering.

Without hesitation we dive in, consuming the main course with a blissed out fervor unlike anything I’ve experienced. Sharing this moment with my new friend is incredible, and the pleasure of the meal is only elevated by his presence.

Now the two of us are moaning and groaning together, losing ourselves in the moment as we chow down on our succulent roasts. Trip plunges his fork into the slab of tender juiciness over and over again, starting slowly at first and then picking up speed as the flavors overwhelm him.

Not wanting to be left behind, I quickly fall into a rhythm behind Trip, eating at his pace as I continue to shovel more food into my body. Faster and faster we go, until eventually I’m worried there will soon be no roast left.

Of course, that’s when I remember I’ve got a whole tray of the sizzling goodness left to be devoured.

“More?” I question.

“Fuck yeah, more,” the shirtless dinosaur grunts enthusiastically.

I take our plates, which are now wiped completely clean, then head back into the kitchen for another helping of this incredible meal. This time, I slice off two even larger hunks of the roast, not slowing down for a second.

I take a spoon and ladle on some of the juices around it, making sure everything is nice and wet, then return to the table and set my handiwork before Trip once more.

“It’s all yours,” I tell him.

I watch in awe as the dinosaur continues to wolf down the delicious roast, putting my worries of a vegetarian menu completely to rest as he slams the food down his through in a state of aching, belligerent passion.

The dinosaur has consumed his entire second slab before I even sit down, which causes me to reel in shock.

Trip notices this and quickly apologizes. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. Was that too fast?”

“No,” I assure him, shaking my head with a wry smile plastered across my face. “I like it. Actually, I fucking love it.”
 I take the shirtless, muscular creature’s plate and carry it back to the kitchen, loading it up with more and more of the roast before returning to Trip.

Of course, the hungry dinosaur promptly wolfs it down once more.

This process goes one for quite a while, in and out of the kitchen for what seems like forever until it feels like the dinosaur is about to reach his breaking point.

“Oh my god,” Trip groans. “I’m so stuffed, I think I’m gonna blow.”

“Wait!” I cry out. “Just one last thing.”

I run back to the kitchen, but this time I don’t go for the roast, which is nothing but scraps by now. Instead, I head to the freezer and open it up, pulling out a sweet and frozen tub of delicious ice cream. I prepare us two large bowls of the velvety goodness and then carry them over to my friend, setting one down before him and another one in front of myself.

“Think you’ve got room?” I question playfully.

“I’ve got this,” the dinosaur assures me.

The next thing I know we’re both diving into the ice cream with a ravenous hunger, swallowing massive spoonfuls of the milky liquid. I don’t even stop to wipe my chin as the white liquid rolls down my face in long, thick streaks, dangling in the air before dripping off into the bowl once more.

Of course, I’m determined to finished it all, and I immediately get to work scooping up the remainder of the ice cream. I swallow the milky thickness with hunger and passion, utterly beside myself as the sweetness overwhelms me.

“Fuck,” I finally moan, collapsing back into my chair. “That was amazing.”

“You’re telling me,” the raptor chimes in, looking equally satisfied.

We sit like this for a while before Trip stands up and strolls over, rounding the table and taking a seat in the chair next to me instead of across. There’s something about this closeness that I like, as though I can physically sense the way that my new friend is starting to open up to me.

“I was thinking,” the dinosaur begins. “I really like you, and I’d love it if we spent more time together.”

“I like you, too,” I tell him.

Suddenly, the raptor reaches out and touches my arm in a way that I’m not quite prepared for, breaking past the boundaries of a friendship and ending up somewhere else entirely. I pull back slightly, which fills Trip’s expression with grave concern.

“I’m sorry,” the dinosaur offers.

“It’s okay,” I assure him. “I’m just… not interested in anything physical.”

Trip considers this a moment. “That’s okay, we can just be friends.”

I shake my head. “No, no. I don’t mean it like that… we can definitely be more than friends, but I’m never going to be interested in having sex. If you’re okay with that, then so am I. If not, I totally understand.”

“I’m interested,” the muscular raptor says with a smile. “So what does that make us? Buds? Boyfriends?”

I shrug, laughing as I realize what an understanding and caring companion I’ve found. “I don’t know yet, but it’s all on the table. I just can’t wait to figure it out together.”