Not Pounded By The Admittedly Handsome Sentient Firework Display Because He Really Freak Out My Dog

When Greg Porks heads to his coworker’s summer barbecue, he expects nothing more than a relaxing evening with a few friends. What he gets, however, is an unexpected introduction to Debro the sentient firework display.

Debro is brash, loud and annoying, but he’s also great to look at. Greg suddenly finds himself emotionally torn by his attraction to these colorful explosive bursts, but things make more sense when Greg realizes just how difficult it is for his loyal dog Benny to be around living aerial explosives.

This important no sex tale is 4,100 words of attraction between a man and sentient firework display that remains platonic because the explosives are annoying, including learning about your own needs a preferences and setting boundaries.

(Release Date: June 26th, 2021)

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NOT POUNDED BY THE ADMITTEDLY HANDSOME SENTIENT FIREWORK DISPLAY BECAUSE HE REALLY FREAKS OUT MY DOG

By Chuck Tingle

I’m relaxing on the couch when I hear the first pop of the season, all settled in and allowing my favorite new show to wash over me after a long day of work. My body feels heavy and pleasant as I sink deep into the cushions, but this moment of peace only lasts so long.

Bang!

The sound causes me to abruptly sit up as panic jolts through my body, hunting for the source of the unexpected eruption. My dog, Benny, is even more visceral in his reaction, leaping to his feet and scampering around the room in a state of confusion and fear. His immediate response is to throw himself into battle, to protect me at all costs, but there’s no battle to be had.

My bewilderment ends within seconds. The loud bang is unexpected, but only because I haven’t keeping an eye on the calendar, hadn’t been watching as the seasons shift and the days grow longer. Now that I’ve taken a moment to collect myself, I remember the firework booths springing up in various parking lots across the city, and all the folks getting antsy as they wait for July 4th to arrive.

“It’s okay, buddy,” I offer, climbing down onto my living room floor and wrapping my arms around Benny.

I hold my dog close, feeling the way that he shakes and trembles against my body. I pet him gently as a way of letting him know the worst is over, but deep down I know this is far from the truth.

In fact, our troubles are only beginning.

“Hey! Wait up!” my friend Greeba calls out from behind, jogging up to stop me before I head out onto the bustling city street.

I turn around and greet her, smiling warmly. It’s been a while since the two of us have had a chance to actually talk, the office workload successfully quelling any free time that might otherwise be spent socializing with coworkers. As the summer heat continues to grow, so do the stacks of papers that are piling higher and higher atop our desks. It feels as though all this work might one day consume us completely, spilling over in an avalanche of budget reports and time spreadsheets that bury us alive.

“What’s going on?” I question, deeply concerned.

I’ve made it all the way down to the lobby, so close to tasting freedom after a long work day, and I’m dreading the response that awaits me. Are there loose ends to tie up on the Reems account? Did I forget to punch in new numbers for our third quarter adjustments?

Fortunately, Greeba’s cries reveal themselves to be the exact opposite of what I feared.

“I’m having a little summer barbecue today,” my coworker offers. “Just a few friends from work grilling burgers and jumping in the pool. When it gets dark we’ll probably shoot off a few fireworks.”

Independence Day isn’t until next weekend, but that doesn’t stop folks from popping off a few little displays of their own. Every year I grow more and more annoyed by this practice, but I’m willing to put my distain aside to enjoy some time with my friends.

“Sure,” I reply. “Sounds fun!”

“We’re heading over to my place now,” Greeba continues. “You wanna just follow along?”

We head out into the parking lot and climb into our respective vehicles, taking off into the warm Summer evening. Doing something like this after work would seem a little strange any other time of year, but these days the sun hangs around for what seems like forever, stretching time into taffy.

I throw on some classic good-time jams, allowing myself to slip into this laid-back mood even more. I’ve been tense lately, the job getting to me just as much as the looming panic of how Benny’s going to handle those dreaded 4th of July fireworks, but now I’m allowing myself a break from all that. I’m briefly letting the chips fall where they may.

Eventually, we pull into Greeba’s driveway. For heading straight from work I’m surprised to find this party has already started, folks parking along beside us and others already milling about the house. Apparently, Greeba’s friends we’re already here getting things warmed up.

I climb out and head inside, greeted by the sound of upbeat music and the laughter of people socializing loudly. From the backyard I pick up on the familiar cacophony of folks splashing water in a pool, their excited cries ringing out through the air.

There’s a table set with all kinds of delicious finger food, snacks ranging from chips and spaghetti dip to chocolate milk soaked watermelon. I can’t help grabbing myself a slice of the latter, taking a huge bite of the juicy, pink and brown melon and chomping it down to the rind before continuing on my way.

It’s delicious, and I could stay here all day just snacking away in silence, but I decide to make my way into the backyard from which the wonderful smell of grilled burgers is emanating.

I push out onto the patio, greeted by a quintessential summer barbecue scene. Beautiful partiers are chatting away in their bathing suits around a giant blue pool, catching the very last of today’s sun before it disappears behind the distant mountains. Someone has set up a DJ booth, and it’s here that a handsome triceratops with large headphones stands before a laptop, bobbing his reptilian head to the music.

On the other side of the backyard is a bigfoot in an apron flipping burgers, smoke wafting up from the grill as he meticulously turns each one.

I’m about to head over and talk to him, curious whether or not there are any veggie patties available, but before I get the chance one other striking detail catches my eye. I stop in my tracks, gazing out across the pool at one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever encountered.

There before me is a cascade of brilliant colors that move together with surreal slowness, various explosions of light and sound frozen in time as they present themselves as a living object. There are four distinct points of blossoming light, luminous sparks erupting outward to create dazzling flowers that are typically seen high above the earth but are now standing some twenty feet away from me.

This is a sentient object, the handsome living manifestation of a firework display who has somehow toned it down enough to enjoy the party without bothering anyone too much.

At least for now.

Immediately, I find myself overwhelmed by a strange and unexpected emotion. Based on the way these loud and brilliant displays bother my dog, I should have nothing but distain for these sentient explosions across the pool, but there seems to be more to him than a single irritating trait.

This particular living object isn’t loudly interrupting anyone at the moment. He’s slowed himself down to the point where any expansion of lights is barely visible, likely taking place over the course of several hours. Sure, a loud, ear- splitting eruption will likely come soon, but for now I’m left to marvel in peace.

“Looks pretty good, huh?” a voice offers from beside me.

I turn to see that Greeba is leering across the pool with me, our eyes trained on this glorious display. I quickly avert my gaze, pretending the sentient fireworks haven’t caught my attention and failing miserably.

Greeba laughs. “He’s handsome, you don’t have to pretend.”
“Oh, no,” I blurt. “Fireworks are so annoying, they drive my dog crazy.” “Well, yeah,” Greeba continues, “but they can still be handsome.”
I finally return my gaze to the slowly churning blossoms of light. “So he’s

actually a decent guy?” I question.
“Oh, god no,” Greeba offers. “He’s a total asshole. Honestly, the only reason

he’s here is it’s a tradition people expect. I’m just saying, you don’t have to pretend he doesn’t look good.”

I laugh. “Fair enough.”

At this point, the sentient firework display glances toward us, making eye contact for a split second. My heart immediately skips a beat as Greeba and I turn

away, but our movements are way too obvious and we end up erupting in a fit of laugher as we struggle to appear inconspicuous.

Of course, this just makes us laugh even more.

I feel like a nervous kid with his first crush, a sensation that I’d obviously moved past years ago but is suddenly flooding back over me. Despite my practical knowledge that this explosive display is not at all what I need in my life right now, I can’t get over my potent attraction to him as these feelings grow stronger and stronger within.

“Hey! Everyone!” the firework display suddenly calls out. “Get a load of this!”

Revelers glance over to watch as the dinosaur DJ turns down his music, giving the sentient explosive display all the attention he craves. The living object is loving every second of this, soaking it all in as the party begins to revolve around him.

The firework display strolls back and forth near the edge of the pool for a moment, getting the crowd hyped up as he pumps his fists in the air and then suddenly throws his hand toward the water.

Suddenly, a loud, earsplitting whistle rings out and causes the crowd to jump in alarm. A small rocket erupts from the living object’s swirling form, shooting under the surface and emitting a rush of bubbles. Seconds later, there’s a loud pop from somewhere below the water, sounding strange and distant as the rocket erupts.

Everyone in the pool screams in fear, leaping away from the aquatic explosion near their legs. They’re not happy about this little prank that could’ve easily ended in injury, but everyone else at the party seems to be utterly thrilled by the mischievous display.

I find myself grimacing, unimpressed by the obnoxious attitude of this sentient explosive display, and yet...

The second I realize what’s happening I shake my head in disappointment. Yes, the sentient fireworks are clearly obnoxious, but this simple fact has yet to quell the blossoming attraction within me. If anything, my blooming arousal is only speeding up in the face of his bad boy attitude.

The firework display begins to strut back and forth again, doling out high fives to whoever crosses his path as the music swells once again and the party falls back into its natural rhythm.

My eyes gradually drift down to a burnt out and blackened rocket that now floats on the surface of the pool, a piece of garbage that nobody seems to care about cleaning up.

Letting out a long sigh, I stroll to the edge of the water and scoop out this spent cardboard shell. I turn and carry it over to a nearby trash can, dropping it in before turning to stare daggers at the sentient firework display.

Unfortunately, the second I catch sight of him again I feel my anger and frustration wane. His appearance makes him very, very difficult to stay mad at.

Before my arousal gets any more out of control, I decide to cut it off at the pass with a little distraction. I quickly excuse myself from my conversation with Greeba and stroll over to the grill, allowing the sweet scent of warming burgers to overwhelm my senses and hopefully push out any of the needless thoughts of a handsome, perfectly sculpted firework displays.

The bigfoot grill master glances over at me. “You want one?”

“Yeah,” I reply with a nod, then motion toward the corner of the cooking area. “One of those veggie patties please.”

The grill master gets to work scooping up a patty as requested and placing it on a bun. He hands it over to me and I get to work decking my dinner out with ketchup and mustard, so excited about this little morsel of flavor that I nearly forget about the sentient fireworks.

Unfortunately, the second I turn around I’m provided a sharp reminder.

Bang!

There’s a loud eruption from directly before me, the sentient collection of colorful blossoming sparks causing me to cry out in alarm. Somehow he’s worked his way over to this side of the pool, waiting in line for a burger and then emitting and hearty pop when I turn to face him.

I’m so alarmed that I throw my hands into the air, my veggie burger rocketing skyward as it separates into several pieces of bun and patty.

“What the fuck?” I cry out, still reeling from the shock.

It all happens in an instant, but before I have a chance to continue my angry tirade I witness something absolutely miraculous. The sentient firework display has lifted his gaze skyward, intently watching the movement and trajectory of my separating burger pieces. He tracks their course for this brief, split-second moment, then reaches out and grabs each one before they have a chance to hit the ground.

I have to admit, despite being quite angry about his unexpected and explosive arrival, I now find myself impressed.

“Here you go,” the living firework display offers, handing the veggie burger back to me. “I’m made of rockets, so I’m pretty good at calculating where something’s headed in the air. People tell me I should play baseball.”

“Whoa, thank you,” I gush.

“I mean, I’m really, really good,” he continues, laying it on thick. “I’d probably be the star player.”

Right back to being annoying again, I think to myself.

“I’m Debro Crimms,” the sentient collection of colorful gunpowder explosions offers, extending his hand in greeting.

“Greg Porks,” I reply, giving him a firm shake.
“It’s nice to meet me,” Debro offers with a wink.
His attempts at being charming are horrifically cringey, but there’s still

something about the sentient firework display that I’m deeply attracted to. It’s as though I’m having a visceral, instinctual reaction to his presence, the sights and sounds that make up Debro flooding me with excitement whether I want them to or not.

“How long have you known Greeba?” I question, trying to strike up a conversation for reasons I don’t entirely understand.

“Oh, we go way back,” Debro explains. “I’m not just the physical manifestation of a single firework display, I’m the concept of firework displays in general.”

“I’m not sure what the difference is,” I admit.

“The broader you are as a sentient idea or event, the less time holds sway over your life,” the living concept explains. “I’ve been around for every 4th of July. I’ve seen it all, you know?”

I nod along, listening intently. It’s fascinating to see the world through the lens of a living concept, and although I still think Debro is a dick, at least he’s an interesting one.

My perception of him has been walking the razor’s edge this entire time, trapped between attraction and utter distain as these two opposing forces fight it out in never ending conflict. Every time my opinion is pulled in one direction, something will yank it to the exact opposite side.

I suppose that’s the relationship I’ve always had with fireworks, though.

Gazing up into the dark sky on a warm summer evening, there really is something magical about these flowers of cascading sparks as the form brilliant patterns and shapes. Even on a technical level, I’m fascinated by the way a little gunpowder in various cardboard compartments can create the vast array of effects we’ve all come to take for granted. They truly are a wonder of engineering, and this is something I have to respect.

Even the smell of brunt gunpowder will take me back, transporting me to these wonderful times among family and friends. There’s something about it that’s ingrained into my soul.

At the same time, there’s plenty about these enormous, bombastic displays that feels kind of... pointless?

It’s hard to put my finger on exactly what it is that bothers me so much, but my logical objection falls somewhere between all the needless injuries they cause, combined with the things they catch on fire, combined with all that damn noise.

Right on cue, Debro springs into action with a performance that could’ve been tailor made to turn me off. Someone is passing by with a keg of chocolate milk, the large silver cylinder propped up on two wheels as they carefully direct it around the edge of the pool. As the keg passes Debro, however, the sentient collection of colorful explosions steps out in front of it.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” the physical manifestation of fireworks blurts, waving his hands in the air and stopping the delivery guy in his tracks. “You can’t just wheel that past without Big Debro havin’ a taste.”

The delivery guy doesn’t know how to respond, but his confusion doesn’t change things. This is Debro’s moment now, and everyone else is just along for the ride.

“Let me get at that milk,” the living collection of colorful explosions blurts, then motions for a handful of guys standing next to him. “Help me out here, bros. It’s time for a chocolate milk keg stand.”

The guys seem pretty excited about this idea, immediately springing into action as they grab Debro’s legs and lift him into it air. Everyone else at the party is watching in awe, utterly captivated by this juvenile display. Soon enough, they’re chanting loudly. “Debro! Debro! Debro!”

The sentient cascade of eruptions is absolutely living for this moment, chugging down an incredible amount of ice cold chocolate milk direct from the keg. He consumes the beverage quickly, allowing the sweet brown liquid to flow down his hungry gullet as the cheers grow louder.

Finally, when Debro just can’t take it anymore he erupts in a plume of spit and milk. The guys lower him down and turn him upright, hoisting Debro’s fists in a sign of victory.

“Damn, I’m good,” the sentient firework display loudly announces.

With that, I take my burger and decide to put some distance between myself and the chaos of these excited revelers. Fortunately, while everyone is crowded around the pool, Greeba’s house features a large yard that’s overflowing with well- maintained plant life.

Soon enough, the obnoxious cheering is disappearing behind me as I stroll along these paths of lush green grass, appreciating the relative silence as the sky begins to blossom in purple and orange above me.

I find myself a small wooden bench and sit down, gazing out across Greeba’s impressive landscaping. I take a deep breath and let it out, then open wide for a large bite of my burger.

The taste is incredible, a rush of salty flavors washing across my pallet as I allow myself to sink into the moment. I close my eyes as I chew, doing everything I can to fully appreciate the experience.

As soon as I’m finished I open wide to take another bite, but this one doesn’t quite go as planned.

Bang!

The now familiar sonic pop erupts right next to me, and although I know this is Debro making an unexpected arrival, the sheer volume of the blast causes my entire body to flinch. I drop the burger for a second time, only now the sentient fireworks are too far away to catch the pieces.

My food lands in the grass with a thud.

“God damn it,” I groan, shaking my head from side to side with overwhelming disappointment.

“Hey,” Debro offers, flopping down onto the bench next to me and gazing out across the yard.

“Welp, you made me drop my food,” I offer, nodding at the open burger buns that now lay in the grass.

The sentient firework display glances down. “Oh shit, my bad,” he offers, then considers something for a moment. “I mean, technically I caught them last time and saved your meal, so I guess we’re even.”

“You made me drop them last time, too!” I cry out.
Debro shrugs.
“You’re an incredibly frustrating person to be around,” I bluntly inform him. “People seem to think I’m pretty cool,” Debro offers. “I’m pretty much the

highlight of any summer party.”
“Not for everyone,” I continue. “I feel like there’s a time and a place for big

firework displays and you don’t seem to know when that is. It’s one thing to pop off a few rockets on the 4th of July, but the constant eruptions when people are trying to go about their day is a lot to ask.”

“Now you just sound grumpy and old,” the sentient firework display replies.

I should be more offended by this, but he’s not far off. Deep down, I really am worried that this whole thing is just me becoming crabby and unfun with age, trying to rain on everyone else’s parade during this celebratory time of year. I’m torn about how to process my feelings.

I glance over at the sentient explosive display, hoping to find some kind of new, nuanced information that will help me sort through these thoughts. Instead, I’m greeted by overwhelming attraction.

No matter how irritating Debro is, the handsome display of colorful lights and dazzling sparkles keeps drawing me in. I’m overwhelmed by this moment, unable to keep myself from falling back into a state of complete infatuation.

Debro grins, noticing the look in my eyes. He’s used to being a charmer, his bad boy ways somehow just as compelling and attractive as they are repulsive.

Maybe he’s not so awful, I find myself thinking. Maybe I’m being too harsh on this sentient collection of colorful gunpowder eruptions.

“Do you want to come back to my place,” I suddenly blurt, surprising even myself.

“Sure,” Debro replies with a knowing smile.

The two of us stand up and begin to head back across the yard, taking the most direct route as we maneuver around the house and arrive at the front drive. We climb into my car and I pull out onto the road, trembling with erotic anticipation.

The whole time I’m bombarded by my own internal monolog. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with hooking up for the simple reason that you find someone attractive, but the weight of that attraction versus an otherwise abhorrent personality is something each of us has to balance for ourselves. I’m still torn, but as the one leading the charge here, I’m fine with not knowing where I stand just yet.

Who know? Maybe a brief make out session will help me figure things out.

Eventually we arrive at my condo, parking in front. The two of us climb out and begin to make our way up the walk, all the while my eyes lingering on the handsome firework display beside me.

There’s no denying it, he looks great.

Before we reach the front door, however, I hear a familiar scampering, the sound of my loyal dog Benny running circles in anticipation of my arrival.

“Oh my god!” I blurt, turning back to Debro. “I can’t wait for you to meet my pup!”

I open the door to find Benny dancing excitedly on his hind legs. The dog immediately drops down and hurries over to me, thrilled by all the strange new scents I picked up over the course of my long day.

“Who’s a good boy?” I cry out, kneeling and rustling his ears with some friendly scratches that prompt Benny’s tail into a fit of powerful wagging.

Bang!

I jump as Debro erupts behind me, but the fear and alarm that shoots through my body is nothing compared to the panic that I see in my dog’s eyes. Benny yelps wildly, then turns and runs back into the house, diving under the couch where he remains huddled in a trembling ball.

I turn back to the admittedly handsome sentient firework display, anger flooding across my face. “Alright, that’s it,” I blurt. “You may be nice to look at, but when it comes to my dog, I need to take a stand.”

“What do you have against fun?” Debro retorts.

“Okay, you’re kinda fun,” I admit, “but right now you’re also super annoying. Goodnight.”

With that, I shut the door in Debro’s face.
I head over to the couch and drop to the floor, reaching out to pet Benny. “Sorry about that,” I offer.
The dog softens a bit, appreciating my soothing touch.
“You hungry?” I question. “I’ve been trying to have dinner for a while now

and I keep getting interrupted.”
Benny perks up at the word dinner.
I leave my dog and get to work in the kitchen, preparing food for the two of

us. Soon enough, we’re scarfing down a delicious dinner together, and by some wonderful turn of luck this moment goes completely uninterrupted by any fireworks.